Participation in a marriage ceremony

[Dr.Colossus]

I have posted this to the “Ask An Apologist” Forum as well:

I have a Catholic friend who is in a relationship with a non-Catholic (possibly non-baptized, but I’m not sure). They are planning on getting married eventually, and the topic came up that this friend thought he’d probably ask me to be his best man.

The problem is this: they aren’t planning on getting married in the Church. From my understanding of Canon Law, since my friend is a baptized Catholic, if they do not receive permission from the Church to marry, and celebrate the marriage in accordance with the proper canonical form, the marriage would be invalid.

As a faithful Catholic, then, what is my obligation? I’m pretty sure I would not be allowed to participate in the wedding as best man. Would I be allowed to attend at all?

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

Dr. Colossus:

I have posted this to the “Ask An Apologist” Forum as well:

I have a Catholic friend who is in a relationship with a non-Catholic (possibly non-baptized, but I’m not sure). They are planning on getting married eventually, and the topic came up that this friend thought he’d probably ask me to be his best man.

The problem is this: they aren’t planning on getting married in the Church. From my understanding of Canon Law, since my friend is a baptized Catholic, if they do not receive permission from the Church to marry, and celebrate the marriage in accordance with the proper canonical form, the marriage would be invalid.

As a faithful Catholic, then, what is my obligation? I’m pretty sure I would not be allowed to participate in the wedding as best man. Would I be allowed to attend at all?

To answer this on two levels:

From what I understand the Church would discourage you from participating at the level of Best-man. Nor are you allowed to participate in a manner where you be taking any liturgucal role, such as Reader, leading a prayer, distributing communion, witnessing the vows. You could participate in attendance but it would be best if you just attended the reception only.

Now in order to participate in any way it would be necessary for you to have tried to explain to your friend your concerns.

So you have one obligation not to by your actions signal approval of an invalid Marriage attempt. On the other hand you have an obligation to attempt to change his mind on the necessity of at least seeking a dispensation to marry a non-baptized or non-Catholic outside the Church.

 

[martino]

As harsh as it sounds any participation at all would be scandalous! Just being there is the same as you saying, “I approve of this marriage!” Maybe you can talk them into getting permission to have the wedding eslewhere with priest present as a witness!

 

[Dr.Colossus]

Thank you both. I agree with the fact that mere attendance could imply approval, and I do not want that to be the case. As it happened, the conversation with my friend was somewhat short, and I didn’t have the opportunity to go into my moral dilemma with him. I hope that before the topic comes up again I might have some “official teaching” to back it up with. I have been looking through Canon Law to see if there is anything that would apply to me (as opposed to the couple) in a situation like this, but haven’t found anything yet.

 

[RMP]

This is directly from my experience. I am Catholic. Both my parents are deceased. My sister left the Catholic Church after my parents died. My sister rebaptized as a Baptist and decided to marry a Baptist. He is in seminary trying to become a pastor. I struggled with this delemma. I did not want to attend to ceremony at first due to our religious differences, however, out of love for her, I did. Being the oldest brother, she asked me to give her away as my father should have done. It was very difficult for me to do. But to not be a part of it would not have helped my relationship at all. This marraige was not about ME! It was about the love bond that they share.

But here is the real lesson I learned. Something about myself. I was trying to be pleasent, even though I was uncomfortable. I was very troubled, irratated to outside the Catholic church. Soon after the ceremony, before the reception, my son became ill. So ill, he puked all over my new mini van I just bought. It was so bad, he was hitting the ceiling of the van, I mean all over. I took him inside to the mens room. He was puking and pooping uncontrolably. I lost control. I was upset and this brought me over the edge. I began to yell and fuss, at him unfortunately…He looked up at me, tears in his eyes. I stopped and realized. In my slefishness, all I kept doing was focussing on me. Instead of those around me. There was no love, no charity, no delight in what was going on around me. I apologized to my son, and to my sister for being so self centered later on.

I beleive their marraige is valid. Even the pagans have validity to their marraiges. To not be a part of it would have caused division in the family. I am distraught that she rebaptized out of our faith and did not share the grace the Catholic church offers in the marraige sacrament. To not attend, would have been more for my own selfishnish rather than an act of love. I chose to go and I am glad I did. I can only pray that both of them continue to sift through all the truth out there and discover the road back to the Catholic church.
I remember the prodigal son. If you recall, the father did not beg and plead for his son to stay home. He GAVE him what was due the son and let him go his way. He did not cause a big scene, just to make a point his son was wrong. A true test in humility you might say.
I had an opportunity to show virtue and humility, and like usual, I missed it. I failed horribly. Dont let your religion get in the way of your love. The joining of two families is not the time or place to start a division of christain apologetics.
Just my 2 cents.

 

[Dr.Colossus]

RMP,

Thank you for that beautiful insight. I believe that you did the right thing. But the situation is slightly different in my case, as this friend is still Catholic, and is therefore bound by Canon Law. My goal is not to find an excuse to remain absent from the wedding. My goal is, ultimately, to gather every bit of help I can get to convince him to marry inside the Church.

 

[Jim_ov_Cov]

Two of my brothers married outside of the Church and I refused to attend either service but ,thank God, they both accepted my decision. Does that mean I’m being selfish or that I love my brothers less? No of course not. In fact by refusing to go you show your love for them much more because you refuse to participate in something that will harm them, that offends God, and endangers their immortal souls.

We have to love Christ and His Church more than Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, Son, Daughter, even our own lives.

 

[RMP]

Two of my brothers married outside of the Church and I refused to attend either service but ,thank God, they both accepted my decision. Does that mean I’m being selfish or that I love my brothers less? No of course not. In fact by refusing to go you show your love for them much more because you refuse to participate in something that will harm them, that offends God, and endangers their immortal souls.

We have to love Christ and His Church more than Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, Son, Daughter, even our own lives.

---

What offends GOD is a lack of humility, division of the family, lack of service. All symptoms of selfishness. By refusing to do something, you cannot SHOW your LOVE. Love is more than a thought, it is an act of will. Of course they accepted your decision, they respect your free will… what was the alternative, to object to your decision not to be there.
Marraige cannot harm someone. The very purpose of it is to bring two people together. There is truth outside the church, but not fullness of truth. They may not receive the all graces we would get by not being Catholic, but this do not make Catholic marraige acceptable, and non Catholic marraige unacceptable.
The Catholic Church accepts all previous marraiges as valid once someone converts. Non catholic marraige does not destroy the truth that love exists outside of the Catholic church in a visible way of expression. If anything, their marraige my actually arouse them spiritually to come back to the church or approach the church for the first time. I think just the opposite. Their marraige will not endanger their souls, but perhaps may even allow them some grace that will persuade them to come HOME. I think this virtue is called HOPE.

 

[RMP]

One more thing, I am not being judgemental of the past events, I am only making the challenge for us Catholics to be less judgemental, leaving judgement for GOD alone. The call for us is to be more loving, Hopeful, and charitable to all people around us.

 

[Dr.Colossus]

Marraige cannot harm someone. The very purpose of it is to bring two people together.

Agreed. The problem is, a Catholic who marries outside the Church does not have a valid marriage (due to invalidity of form).

 

[RMP]

If you are saying the valid form of sacrement, yes I agree.

But the non christain world can still SEE God’s truth in invalid marraiges : love bond, creation of life, fidelity til death, patience, even suffering (lol).
Some people are called to take BIG steps toward GOD…some people HAVE to take baby steps.

That was my point.

 

[Jim_ov_Cov]

RMP:

What offends GOD is a lack of humility, division of the family, lack of service. All symptoms of selfishness. By refusing to do something, you cannot SHOW your LOVE. Love is more than a thought, it is an act of will. Of course they accepted your decision, they respect your free will… what was the alternative, to object to your decision not to be there.
Marraige cannot harm someone. The very purpose of it is to bring two people together. There is truth outside the church, but not fullness of truth. They may not receive the all graces we would get by not being Catholic, but this do not make Catholic marraige acceptable, and non Catholic marraige unacceptable.
The Catholic Church accepts all previous marraiges as valid once someone converts. Non catholic marraige does not destroy the truth that love exists outside of the Catholic church in a visible way of expression. If anything, their marraige my actually arouse them spiritually to come back to the church or approach the church for the first time. I think just the opposite. Their marraige will not endanger their souls, but perhaps may even allow them some grace that will persuade them to come HOME. I think this virtue is called HOPE.

Deeply flawed reasoning here. It seems you feel the need to bolster your own position and that’s understandable. But your implication is that if someone witneeses to their overiding love for God and His Church by refusing to participate in something which is evil, then they are being proud, or at least suffering from a lack of humility. My loving act of the will was to reject the emotional desire to be with my brothers on their wedding day, for the love of God and them. An illicit ‘marriage’ does harm someone, it offends God and attacks the authority of the Chruch, remember any Catholic who marries outside of the Church is ipso facto excommunicated. That’s how serious it is. Hope is a supernatural virtue, i.e. we hope in God. Hoping that apostate Catholics will return to the Faith because they marry outside of the Church is called wishful thinking.

 

[RMP]

You totally miss the point. WE both agree for the need and the neccessity for the institution of the Catholic church and the sacraments. I never said to stop directing or having an influence on their conversion. But not everyone feels the way we catholics do. (people outside the church).

What you call wishful thinking, I call hope in the lord’s grace, patience toward conversion, and prayer that truth will become known.

All of Jesus’s actions show mercy, love, patience, service, and humility. Show me an instance where Christ said, “I object to going to be with THOSE people, they are misled and a bunch of sinners, seperated bretheren, and for me to go would be an abomination to GOD.” Quite the contrary, that is usually where you could find him hanging out.

A house divided cannot stand. Has it ever occured to you that your presense at the INVALID wedding might have an positive influence on them to returning to the Catholic church? My job is to try to love and share truth. I’ll leave the dividing and saving up to GOD.

You seem to think one decision is better than the other, (do i go or do I stay). I think this logic is flawed. Both actions have good merit, it all depends on you and the outcome. I was not saying I was making the better decision. I was only expressing the benefit of my going and the reasons I felt that way. There was no justification of myself or Bolstering my case, as you put it. Plus, I learned a valuable lesson for myself in the process, staying home I would have learned nothing. So I did get something from it.

Excommunicated…I know of nothing in canon, the catechism, or scripture that supports this claim. Please correct me with your source.
evil act. Technically its not a sacramental marraige, its just a formal gathering to commemerate their love…a legal formality… you call this evil? cmon. fornication, maybe. This is not grounds for excommunication.
Non catholic weddings can become valid in the catholic church if the two parties decide to come back to the church. Remember, the marraige sacrament in validated by the people taking the vows (in the presense of a catholic priest), so once a priest is convinced that occured the marraige can become valid.

I hear the pope is even hanging out with the buddist, the protestants, envaglelists, ect, on a few occasions. What a great opportunity to share the faith.

 

[Dr.Colossus]

any Catholic who marries outside of the Church is ipso facto excommunicated

Not true. They are prevented from receiving the Eucharist, but are not excommunicated. An excommunication can only be lifted by a bishop, while those who have married invalidly can receive Reconciliation and agree to live with their spouse as brother and sister in order to return to the sacrament. In addition, an invalid marriage can be convalidated by the Church at a later time, restoring full communion.

 

[RMP]

I beleive their marraige is valid. Even the pagans have validity to their marraiges

I have to correct myself here, it was late and I was tired. I only mean that the wedding is a true bond between two people and that bond lasts until death or until the church declares otherwise…

Non catholic weddings can become valid in the catholic church if the two parties decide to come back to the church. Remember, the marraige sacrament in validated by the people taking the vows (in the presense of a catholic priest), so once a priest is convinced that occured the marraige can become valid

ahh… a bishop… Thank you for the correction.