Participation In Church by Wife (Who has committed Adultery/Proceeding w/Divorce)

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4ourMyKids

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Long story short on the background. Have been married 14 years with 2 kids. Both lifelong Catholics. Wife, soon to be Ex-Wife in a few months began an affair in May of last year and lasted until the end of December when other man’s wife made him make a choice to leave or make amends to what he had done and he stayed with his wife.

My wife attempted a short 2 week reconciliation when I first found out but now with what I have found out with evidence, she never stopped the affair even when I first found out in June, she just kept taking it deeper and deeper and she lied to her family, my family and me the entire time saying it was a one time kiss and an emotional affair. Learned in December that she created secret communication accounts and was planning a new life with him, looking for houses and he was leading her on thinking he would leave his wife as well but I believe that was never his intention, his intention was just to have a girlfriend. His secret as he called her.

There’s a lot more to this but I’ll spare the sad details for now other than I tried with all my heart to work on the marriage, forgave her and did everything in my power to save this even as she made no attempts to work on the marriage and blamed it on me just not being compatible, that she wasn’t getting the love she deserved and maybe she got married just because it was the thing to do at the time. She rewrote our entire marriage history during the fog of the affair. I don’t think they are totally done but cooled off for now, since the OM’s wife is tracking his every move. My wife has now moved on for the time being to another ‘friend’ that she talks to all the time and is meeting up with on some days to do things like going to the shooting range, etc.

Sorry, to my question. She is still participating in mass, which I have no problem with her going but she is still receiving communion and is in many church groups, like planning, worship commission, etc. Our priest who I am on good terms with but she is great friends with knows about everything from me. What’s odd is that she has had 2 meetings with him and the way she made it sound is that he is understanding on why she proceeded with divorce? I don’t know how to take this or if she told him such extreme lies like she told her family that he is believing what she is saying or unfortunately, I’m worried that he knows what the real truth is but still lets her participate in all of the things. I do not want to change parishes, my kids go to school there and have been for the last 8 years, with my oldest moving on after this year to middle school. It’s a great parish, school and community. I just don’t know how to take this, as she has skated by so many consequences and really doesn’t feel like she did anything wrong, that she was just following her heart and that the kids will be better off with a happier and healthier mother. I don’t want to do anything out of spite but others are asking me why she is still participating in communion and that I should write the Bishop. Any thoughts or opinions on this would be greatly appreciated, thank you!
 
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You need to talk to the Priest and explain everything. He is only hearing her side.
 
I have spoken to him in person before she did and I have been keeping him up to date via email on all the major stuff. You are recommending that I go back to him in person?
 
Yes, make an appointment. Tell him in person. And you need proof that she has continued the affair. Also, it may be a great parish, but chances are people know. How are your kids being treated by their peers because of mom’s decision?
 
Kids are fine for now. Been eating me up thinking about their lives beginning after we tell them. We have our first friend of the court meeting in a few weeks and then we were going to tell the kids. Most don’t know at church yet and the divorce is not public outside of the close friends yet, although like you said others probably already know. Kids are still being treated the same. I told the Principal 2 months ago so that she and the teachers could be my eyes and ears at school to look out for behavior changes, etc. So far so good. Wife was beside herself when I said I told the Principal and said for the sake of our kids she had to know. She said she had been thinking about it but never said anything but got mad that I didn’t consult her first. I told her flat out, based upon the last 7 months, I could not trust your judgement any more and I had have to look out for the kids best interests. I’m going for primary custody of the kids with joint decision making. She was up in arms about that too, even though the only thing that was on her priority list over the past 7 months was talking, meeting and doing whatever with the other man.
 
You need documentation and proof of the affair. You need to call the Bishop and tell him what is going on in regards to the Eucharist. Your wife is playing multiple games and it is time for her to pay the consequences. Keep being proactive.
 
Thank you for the advice. Sorry to be precise but are you saying I should contact the Bishop regardless or only if the Priest doesn’t respond with what is righteous? And proof will not be an issue. I have emails, texts, pictures, etc.
 
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Give the Priest a chance, and talk to him in person. If things don’t change, (still having affair and taking Eucharist). Contact the Bishop.
I will pray for you and your kids.
 
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I am assuming you have a good lawyer. Hopefully a junkyard dog because from the sound of things you need a pit bull. Sorry if this offends, but you seem too generous to her. Have you, really and truly in your heart, decided and know that the marriage is dead and over. If so, you need to move on, especially financially and in regard to the kids. Honestly, they need to be the focus of your concerns. After the divorce is final and you have taken care of your kids financially and emotionally, then worry about yourself. You future dealings with your soon to be ex-wife need to be definitive but in the presence of the kids, cordial.
Honestly, you sound like a solid Catholic man and father; you got a bum deal from this woman, but you need to focus on today and what is going to be best for you and the kids in the future. By your wife’s reactions to your telling the principal and other factors you’ve mentioned, she seems like a very conniving person. Good riddance and good luck.
 
Thank you. That sounds good. I don’t believe the affair is still going on from a physical standpoint as his wife forced him to end it but I still believes he will come back around because they are ‘soulmates’ and ‘meant to be’. Even after all of this I said I don’t want to end this and I still wanted to make this family work but she said even without him she just doesn’t want to be with me and the papers were served a few days later.
 
“4ourMyKids said:
There’s a lot more to this but I’ll spare the sad details for now other than I tried with all my heart to work on the marriage, forgave her and did everything in my power to save this even as she made no attempts to work on the marriage and blamed it on me just not being compatible, that she wasn’t getting the love she deserved and maybe she got married just because it was the thing to do at the time. She rewrote our entire marriage history during the fog of the affair.

Joeybaggz:

Another thought. I would see if I could get this attitude of hers in some form that, in the future might be used as support in a proceeding for obtaining a decree of nullity. Sounds like gross psychological immaturity to me, though I am no canon lawyer.

My friend, face it, this is over and from an outside POV it is something actually good for you. God knows what is in your future, and your future is yours to make. As to your original question of her continuance at church; she may be good at deceiving others and keeping up a front for all to see, but there is one judge that isn’t going to fooled. That is between her and her God. Not your concern, unless it is scandalous to your kids. Again, good luck.
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I could give you a link to a post where I started to get online help from people that have been through this on a marriage forum and you will see for the past 3 months them repeatedly telling me what I was about to go through and how it was going to happen because they have seen it a million times. Still, knowing what she had said and done with her own actions, I tried with my heart with what I believed in. I feel somewhat regretful that I didn’t take the advice sooner and show tough love and consequences but good some good talks from close family and friends that it probably wouldn’t have mattered either way. They were proud of me for leading with my heart and doing what i thought was right and best for the family. My counselor, lawyer and many other people that are ‘experts’ in this all told me the same thing. They said I could have done things differently, I could have done things differently in the marriage. I blamed myself for many months on what I could have done better. I put too much energy into the kids and not into her, etc, etc. The first time my lawyer talked to me and spent two hours listening to my story, she was taking notes. She then circles something over and over and then holds up the paper and says. “You know what the problem is?” I said what is that. She holds up the paper and my wife’s name is circled. She said no matter what you did or do, the problem has always been her. The insecurities, the depression that has been there her whole life, the self centeredness, the hypocrisy … it’s always been there and there’s nothing you could have done. My counselor only saw her three times but could read her to a tee. She said that my wife will have to undergo some live changing event to realize that the problem is in her and until then, she will keep pushing it further and further down and pushing people away and looking for answers in the wrong places. I hope she does get real help eventually. She talks to a phone counselor who is essentially providing justification for her actions. The other thing, this is not my wife’s first go around with this guy. She had an emotional affair with him in 2009, so I thought. Knowing what I know now it was probably much more back then as well. So much more to this story and even her own family telling me to move on months ago because she won’t change and what she has done is horrible a bad wife but I stayed and still tried. Now I’m just trying to continue to work on myself, be cordial to my wife as we live together through the next few months before it’s all final and show my kids the best father and example they can have. If anything the most hurtful things that happened aren’t even what she did but rather the things she said to him, like him being her true love before, now and always and the gaslighting that took place for almost a year making me feel like a fool for saying she wanted to leave the marriage because of me and it wasn’t an affair and later when I had proof that the affair wasn’t the reason for her wanting to divorce, it was the love she didn’t get that she felt she deserved, we weren’t compatible and everything else from the cheater’s handbook.
 
4ourMyKids said:
The first time my lawyer talked to me and spent two hours listening to my story, she was taking notes. She then circles something over and over and then holds up the paper and says. “You know what the problem is?” I said what is that. She holds up the paper and my wife’s name is circled. She said no matter what you did or do, the problem has always been her. The insecurities, the depression that has been there her whole life, the self centeredness, the hypocrisy … it’s always been there and there’s nothing you could have done. My counselor only saw her three times but could read her to a tee. She said that my wife will have to undergo some live changing event to realize that the problem is in her and until then, she will keep pushing it further and further down and pushing people away and looking for answers in the wrong places. I hope she does get real help eventually. She talks to a phone counselor who is essentially providing justification for her actions.
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Look, you have all the answers. Two professionals have said pretty much the same thing. Again, please focus on the here and now. For you kids and for yourself. I empathize with your situation, but what you really need now is not empathy, but solid, practical advise from professionals who can help you navigate this swamp and help you emerge in the best shape possible.
A prayer said for you and your kids, and good luck
 
You’re not the one that needs to seek counsel form a priest SHE IS.
Implore her to go to confession and pour her heart out.
Of course, this means you will have to forgive her.
You may not want her back, but you must forgive as Christ does if she repents.
Something to pray about.
But you BOTH need to make an appointment. Perhaps even go together eventually for counseling. No one on the internet is going to be able to fix this.
No lawyer can fix this.
Best wishes.
 
I have forgiven all 3 discovery days and even after she said she was moving forward with divorce. That night after we talked I told her I loved her and hugged her and always would even though it may of been the last time I openly tell her that I felt like she knew it was true on my end. She wants no part of me or reconciliation. She has made that clear to our priest, family and friends. No turning back for her.
 
Well then just pray for her.
She’s obviously in a desperate state.
he may never come back, but at least you know youve done all you could.
 
4ourMyKids said:
I just don’t know how to take this, as she has skated by so many consequences
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A divorce is the next to most ultimate consequence (the ultimate would be eternal separation from God).

If she has been to Confession, she has been forgiven. That people think you should complain that the priest has not punished her in a public way, to suggest you go to the Bishop is so far out of line that I am slackjawed.

Is it your desire to see her receive some sort of public punishment for her sins? Perhaps you seek revenge in her being stripped of her membership of the parish groups and think that would be her just desserts?

It sounds as if it would be better for everyone if you attend a different Mass than she does, or, go to a different parish. God forgives people from sins. While you are hurt and wounded, rejoice that God can and does forgive even the most terrible adulterer (remember what Christ did for the woman caught in adultery?) Now, the tough part is that you forgive her.
 
I have forgiven my wife for what she has put me through but what she has put our kids through and even worse for what she is about to … that may take a bit longer to move towards forgiveness on that aspect.

As for consequence, the consequences aren’t to punish her but to help her. The reason for her cheating in 2009, the last year and who knows what I don’t know have been a result of having no boundaries and consequences essentially her entire life. She had a mental breakdown at age 3 and since has been babied her entire life. When her parents would try to discipline her as a child, her grandparents would come and pick her up and make it all better. Even today with as much as they know and are sick about the situation, they are still babying her. The love I have for my wife is more than I have for myself, same goes for my kids but she is one of the most self-centered people I have ever known. She doesn’t live by the same rules she applies and chastises others for.

She has had a pushover husband for the last 14 years that sadly contributed to the issue because I rarely stood up for myself and thought my compassion and just ability to let things go would eventually help her see the light and some days it felt like she was getting it, finding her happiness with being a mother and a wife but it wouldn’t last. Our daughter is a carbon copy of my wife and treats me like her mother does, with wild mood swings in addition to that. I’m going to get the kids into counseling after we tell them but take it even further with my daughter once it’s finished to get her checked for bipolar, etc.

Her whole life, my wife cannot stand to be wrong and when she is confronted with that, projects it back at people, especially those closest to her. My counselor (Catholic Counseling Services) feels the same way, the lack of consequences, along with the internal struggles that my wife pushes away instead of dealing with have created someone with walls so thick that it’s going to take a significant life event to alter her course which will continue to lead on the wrong path but she’s going to have to learn on her own.

The lack of consequences in life have and will harm the three of us but most importantly and what I still care about is the lack of consequences will continue to be a detriment and harm someone else a lot more … herself
 
If you have no grounds to believe she is still publicly unfaithful then what is the problem you want the Priest to attend to?
 
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