Partner's sexuality

[agnes_therese]

When he broke off the engagement I was distraught but I got my life together even though I missed him terribly. When he saw me getting on with my life, he wanted me back. We’re getting counselling but he won’t tell the therapist the full picture. I wish I never got back with him

To sum up, then:

• he does things that make you very uncomfortable
• he broke off the engagement, but still expects sex from you
• he doesn’t care enough about your relationship to be honest with the counselor.

You have two choices:
a) spend the rest of your life just like you are now
b) end the relationship. Completely – none of this “we’ll be friends” nonsense

I promise you, if you leave, you’ll look back in a year and say “Thank God I did!”

 

[Crusader88]

Ok, my partner has admitted from the start that he loves looking at women’s legs especially if the woman is wearing a short skirt, tights and high-heels. No problem. As we got to know each other more, and by the way he’s a Eucharistic minister, I have found out that he regularly watches porn, masturbates several times a week, and likes putting on my tights and panties and masturbating, whilst fantasizing about Britney Spears, Madonna, Sharon Stone, Katy Perry, or different porn stars, actresses, or any woman he sees wearing a short skirt. My attitude was: pray for him, tell him it’s addictive and bad for his soul, and just hope he’d eventually cut down and stop. But he says there’s nothing wrong with masturbation coz it’s not doing anyone any harm and that everyone does it, including priests. He’s 45 and he’s been doing this for years, so it’s unlikely he’ll stop now. Any time I’ve refused sex he says well we’re not hurting anyone. I feel spiritually sick and trapped. We were engaged but he canceled, saying he couldn’t commit. I really love this man and he treats me very well, and I know he’d never chest. What do I do? My family can’t stand him but I love him

lol masturbation is one thing but when a guy starts wearing panties and tights he has crossed the line imo.

 

[Captain_America]

I"m 50.

I can’t imagine running things that way.

If you like trying to manipulate/work/solve psychological challenges, then here’s a big one for your plate!

In your shoes, I’d look elsewhere for someone more stable, more grounded in the real world.

 

[losh14]

OP, I feel for you. From what you’ve described, this isn’t an easy relationship and it’s not going how you’d like it to go. You didn’t explain what you mean by his breaking off the engagement because he did not want to commit, and you don’t have to, though it indicates to me that he wants a certain level of commitment that is less than what you’d like. It’s one thing for a 20-something figuring out his or her life to want to take time with a relationship. In one’s 40’s, I’d think partners would know more of what they want. For whatever reason, I suspect what he wants will not be what you want, and you have every right to find someone who is willing to return what you offer.

Looking purely at the sexual standpoint, I’m not as concerned by the paraphilia (ie, that his sexual preferences are outside the norm) as that his preferences are solitary. Most men do some form of auto-erotica at some point through their lives. Many of us struggle with it even while we are married. We are told by psychologists that some presence of it is healthy (even while good, solid Catholic therapists will say that it should be struggled against, and it should indeed), but no psychologist (much less a theologian or Catholic therapist) would consider a healthy sexual expression in habitual solitary wish fulfillment. If a man prefers his wife in a certain outfit, or a wife her husband in a certain outfit, or if the couple enjoyed certain music or even a certain routine, so be it - they should be allowed to enjoy each other lovingly. But when that routine becomes more important than the act itself it takes on an excessive importance and removes the intimacy. And when that focus is on the solitary rather than the mutual, it doesn’t build up the relationship (as love-making should) but rather breaks it down.

In other words, your partner’s obsession will not help your relationship. Your partner’s unwillingness to commit to you will not help your relationship. Your partner’s laissez-faire attitude towards sex (which, if I read right, makes you feel sick) will not help your relationship. You feel love towards him but he doesn’t reciprocate in certain very important ways that are key to you. Ask yourself if your unrequited love is worth him.

 

[ClearWater]

Ok, my partner has admitted from the start that he loves looking at women’s legs especially if the woman is wearing a short skirt, tights and high-heels. No problem. As we got to know each other more, and by the way he’s a Eucharistic minister, I have found out that he regularly watches porn, masturbates several times a week, and likes putting on my tights and panties and masturbating, whilst fantasizing about Britney Spears, Madonna, Sharon Stone, Katy Perry, or different porn stars, actresses, or any woman he sees wearing a short skirt. My attitude was: pray for him, tell him it’s addictive and bad for his soul, and just hope he’d eventually cut down and stop. But he says there’s nothing wrong with masturbation coz it’s not doing anyone any harm and that everyone does it, including priests. He’s 45 and he’s been doing this for years, so it’s unlikely he’ll stop now. Any time I’ve refused sex he says well we’re not hurting anyone. I feel spiritually sick and trapped. We were engaged but he canceled, saying he couldn’t commit. I really love this man and he treats me very well, and I know he’d never chest. What do I do? My family can’t stand him but I love him

There are a lot of “red flags” here.

I realize that nobody’s perfect. However, you seem to be trying to move into marriage hoping he will change, that he will stop looking lustfully at women, masturbating, and crossdressing. He is digging in his heels, feels this is fine, has no intention of changing for you or probably anyone else.

He also is 45 y.o., doesn’t want to commit, but in this case, I think it has turned to your advantage. Otherwise, you could have been married to someone who probably will make you very unhappy in the future.

Also, “…because everyone else is doing it” is not a valid excuse. It’s not an excuse to cheat on our income taxes, to steal, to litter or anything else. It’s a rationalization, trying to justify his behavior to make it seem more acceptable to himself, you, and whomever else.

Further, priests who might be doing this need to really get into another line of work, especially.

Some have suggested women often enter marriage with the idea, “He will change” or “I can change him”. I have heard so many men complain that their wives refused to accept them for what they were, that they knew what they were before marriage. Then, on the honeymoon or shortly afterwards, expected the man to transform, become an entirely different person.

You may love him, but the question is whether he would be good as a husband and later a father and grandfather.

Marriage is for life. If he can’t stop the above, how will you be able to count on him to accompany you to mass, to follow through with Natural Family Planning, to help your children grow in the faith and be a good example?

I’ve sometimes have fallen in with men who are wrong for me. I’ve since learned, the hard way, that as painful as it is to break up with someone who is wrong, it’s more painful not to, get married and later divorced.

It’s your choice.

 

[TarkanAttila]

I was about to do something I was going to regret. Then I saw this thread. It has been very, very, very informative. Thank you! And may the Lord send me similar threads to this in the future.

 

[losh14]

Sarah Sinner, leave him. When you write something like this:

We’re getting counselling but he won’t tell the therapist the full picture. I wish I never got back with him

(emphasis mine)

Just be done with him. There are men who are less complicated and who will put you through less turmoil. Make a full, clean break, let him have his secret drawer and his shuttered TV room. May you find a man who is the same in the broad light of day as he is when no one but God is looking.

 

[OraLabora]

Masturbation is common among men but the cross dressing in women’s underwear is not.

He is disturbed, not just morally challenged.

Run, far away.

Fetishistic behaviour is actually fairly common in men. The x-dressing may or may not be a problem; some couples manage to live with it, for others it’s a huge issue and the relationship doesn’t survive. I think porn may be a worse issue, and there are other big red flags in this relationship.

The real problem is that he doesn’t see anything wrong with his behaviour and is dishonest in therapy and probably dishonest in general; the dishonesty probably comes from years shame and having to try to hide his fetish, but dishonesty is dishonesty. Hello Houston, I think we have a problem.

If he was otherwise a decent person, recognized his shortcomings, actively underwent therapy (both alone and as a couple), and was open and honest, well, as others have said nobody’s perfect. But he hasn’t come clean with her, and isn’t doing any prep work. It’s a bit like an alcoholic really. He has to want to change and work at it. Would one marry a person who is an alcoholic and refuses to acknowledge it? On the other hand if the alcoholic is in AA and has been on the wagon for a good long time, it’s a different story.

The problem here is that he owns his problem and until he recognizes that he does, in fact, have a problem, there’s nothing she can do to change him, and in fact she’ll be shouldering a huge part of the burden of his problem. Not off to a good start.

Run, don’t walk, away.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Let’s cut to the chase here.

1. “Partner” is not a relationship recognized by the Catholic Church. If you aren’t married or a consecrated religious, you are a single person.
2. As a single person, you might be “dating,” “dating exclusively,” or “engaged,” these not being official Catholic terms, but terms that are at least compatible with the single state, **which calls for celibacy. ** For the individuals involved, terms such as “girlfriend/boyfriend,” “sweetheart,” “intended,” “fiance’(e)” are appropriate.
3. Before you can evaluate a relationship, therefore, you need to get your chastity back and ditch the popular term “partner” which I realize you may be using partly because it’s a popular term. But it denotes a counterfeit of marriage the way many people use it, or at least a license to be single yet illicitly enjoying the sexual privileges reserved to marriage.
4. I will pray for you and for your boyfriend.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

Let’s cut to the chase here.

1. “Partner” is not a relationship recognized by the Catholic Church. If you aren’t married or a consecrated religious, you are a single person.
2. As a single person, you might be “dating,” “dating exclusively,” or “engaged,” these not being official Catholic terms, but terms that are at least compatible with the single state, **which calls for celibacy. ** For the individuals involved, terms such as “girlfriend/boyfriend,” “sweetheart,” “intended,” “fiance’(e)” are appropriate.
3. Before you can evaluate a relationship, therefore, you need to get your chastity back and ditch the popular term “partner” which I realize you may be using partly because it’s a popular term. But it denotes a counterfeit of marriage the way many people use it, or at least a license to be single yet illicitly enjoying the sexual privileges reserved to marriage.
4. I will pray for you and for your boyfriend.

Why I understand the spirit of your advice and don’t disagree with the principal you put forth, a lot of people use partner when one or both people are past a certain age. My intended is quite a bit older than me and although in some circles boyfriend has come up, and it doesn’t make our blood run cold, many people prefer a more “mature” term. While the rest of the advice is more than valid, I didn’t read OP’s use of the term partner in the same way.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

My Man can share my deodorant, my bed, my money, if I catch him ever wanting the panties we have a BIG problem.

That is just messed up.

I’m sorry, that just really made me laugh.

 

[Galbin]

Ok, my partner has admitted from the start that he loves looking at women’s legs especially if the woman is wearing a short skirt, tights and high-heels. I have found out that he regularly watches porn, masturbates several times a week, and likes putting on my tights and panties and masturbating, whilst fantasizing about Britney Spears, Madonna, Sharon Stone, Katy Perry, or different porn stars, actresses, or any woman he sees wearing a short skirt. I really love this man and he treats me very well, and I know he’d never chest.

He’s already cheated on you multiple times while masturbating about other women. Sorry…

 

[3DOCTORS]

Why I understand the spirit of your advice and don’t disagree with the principal you put forth, a lot of people use partner when one or both people are past a certain age. My intended is quite a bit older than me and although in some circles boyfriend has come up, and it doesn’t make our blood run cold, many people prefer a more “mature” term. While the rest of the advice is more than valid, I didn’t read OP’s use of the term partner in the same way.

I agree it’s often difficult to know exactly what a person these days intends when using the term “partner” (some married couples use it to mean “spouse” even), it’s just one of those things that raises a red flag to me - especially in the context of this thread. I posted another thread about it awhile back if you want to read it - forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=821614&highlight=term+partner

The OP may think I’m nitpicking, I don’t know. Or she may not want anything to do with my recommendations regarding chastity. She is trying to make sense out of a big mess she’s in the middle of, and I like others would probably lean on the side of she should ditch this guy. But I’d like to help, if possible, to increase her understanding of why that might be a good idea, and how to avoid getting into another equally dysfunctional relationship, as so many do. And to encourage her to make use of positive chastity resources and deepen her Faith, rely on the Sacraments for graces to do what is right - in short, grow emotionally and spiritually from this experience.

 

[EasterJoy]

I did google his behaviour and it seems he’s a transvestite, although he says just “likes the feel of the nylon”

If you don’t look forward to a lifetime with him exactly the way he is, in spite of his faults, do not marry him. Period. Let him go.

This man was married and has two children:
oregonlive.com/clackamascounty/index.ssf/2009/09/west_linn_teacher_returns_as_w.html

Based on his videotaped testimony from a talk he gave about his own story, posted to the internet, he does not understand why his wife could not accommodate his decision to live in public as a man. He implies she doesn’t actually love him unconditionally and that those in his circle who do not accept his intention to live as woman are failing to give him the acceptance he deserves.

Although it is possible, your intended probably will not decide to change over to becoming a woman. What he will almost certainly continue to do is refuse to accommodate himself to moral law and respect for you and what you need. This will continue to be characterized not as a fault in him, but as a fault in you. That much is not going to change. It may be why your family does not want you to marry him.

How do you break up? You say, “I want to find someone to marry, and you and I are incompatible. By that I mean that if both of us are true to ourselves, we are going to be in constant conflict. No, do not promise to change. If you had your heart in that, you’d have offered it by now. I wish you happiness, but not a life with me. Goodbye.”

Oh, and you do not know that he will never cheat. I don’t even mean the obvious fact that he regularly acts on sexual fantasies that range the world of women and do not center on you. I mean that if you really believe you know that a man who says things like “everyone does it” will never cheat, go to a courthouse, pull aside a divorce attorney, and ask how many people go through divorce because their spouse cheated, even though they were convinced before evidence of infidelity surfaced that their spouse would never cheat. I think he or she will essentially say that a dollar from every divorced person who could say “I was so sure he/she would never ______” would constitute a good nest egg.

 

[ToTheHeights]

Ok, my partner has admitted from the start that he loves looking at women’s legs especially if the woman is wearing a short skirt, tights and high-heels. No problem. As we got to know each other more, and by the way he’s a Eucharistic minister, I have found out that he regularly watches porn, masturbates several times a week, and likes putting on my tights and panties and masturbating, whilst fantasizing about Britney Spears, Madonna, Sharon Stone, Katy Perry, or different porn stars, actresses, or any woman he sees wearing a short skirt. My attitude was: pray for him, tell him it’s addictive and bad for his soul, and just hope he’d eventually cut down and stop. But he says there’s nothing wrong with masturbation coz it’s not doing anyone any harm and that everyone does it, including priests. He’s 45 and he’s been doing this for years, so it’s unlikely he’ll stop now. Any time I’ve refused sex he says well we’re not hurting anyone. I feel spiritually sick and trapped. We were engaged but he canceled, saying he couldn’t commit. I really love this man and he treats me very well, and I know he’d never chest. What do I do? My family can’t stand him but I love him

You dodged a bullet. This guy is worthless. I’m sorry you’re going though this kind of emotional trauma, but as an outsider, it is a blessing that things have ended.

 

[rinnie]

When he broke off the engagement I was distraught but I got my life together even though I missed him terribly. When he saw me getting on with my life, he wanted me back. We’re getting counselling but he won’t tell the therapist the full picture. I wish I never got back with him

He probally won’t either. You tell her the full picture.

Then let him wish you never got back together also

Sorry but seriously what good is going to her if he refuses to be honest.

Its your turn to speak up! You have the help of a professional use it.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

I agree it’s often difficult to know exactly what a person these days intends when using the term “partner” (some married couples use it to mean “spouse” even), it’s just one of those things that raises a red flag to me - especially in the context of this thread. I posted another thread about it awhile back if you want to read it - forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=821614&highlight=term+partner

The OP may think I’m nitpicking, I don’t know. Or she may not want anything to do with my recommendations regarding chastity. She is trying to make sense out of a big mess she’s in the middle of, and I like others would probably lean on the side of she should ditch this guy. But I’d like to help, if possible, to increase her understanding of why that might be a good idea, and how to avoid getting into another equally dysfunctional relationship, as so many do. And to encourage her to make use of positive chastity resources and deepen her Faith, rely on the Sacraments for graces to do what is right - in short, grow emotionally and spiritually from this experience.

I remember that thread shudder. While I don’t often use partner for my intended, I really don’t see the issue, which is saying something as a writer who finds words very important. Generally speaking I don’t think it necessary or fair for outside people to dictate how loved ones refer to each other.

 

[EasterJoy]

When he broke off the engagement I was distraught but I got my life together even though I missed him terribly. When he saw me getting on with my life, he wanted me back. We’re getting counselling but he won’t tell the therapist the full picture. I wish I never got back with him

You are where you wish you were not. You are in counselling with someone who has refused to change, refused to even tell the truth about what he’s foisting off on you. You are not married. He is does not want to change and he is not going to change. LEAVE!!

Gather up your courage, get yourself some pluck and leave right away. Pick whatever door you will, you need no excuses and you leave without shame. Accept no guilt trips, no last-minute promises, no crying, no manipulative ploys, no demands, no compromises, no “deals.” Run and do not look back. Don’t make silly rationalizations on his behalf. Don’t be caught in a trap over some object that belongs to you.

Run, run, run. Whatever it costs, it is worth your ransom.

 

[Sunbreak]

All of this would creep me out.
You say he treats you well yet he is looking at other women’s legs, masturbating in your things, won’t commit? What part of the above is good treatment?
If this guy is still in your life, you just point blank tell him you want to end the relationship.

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

He probally won’t either. You tell her the full picture.

Then let him wish you never got back together also

Sorry but seriously what good is going to her if he refuses to be honest.

Its your turn to speak up! You have the help of a professional use it.

:extrahappy: