Partner's sexuality

[NFPWife]

Isn’t it scary how a “holy” Eucharistic minister could have such a disturbed secret life?

Agreed. It’s really sad. I hope he avails himself of the healing power of the Sacraments in a meaningful way and gets some treatment. You don’t need to stick around for that to happen, though. I see so many amazing women waste waaaay too much time trying to turn a frog into a prince.

 

[3DOCTORS]

It is good to hand him over to Heaven. Looking back on my life and my breakups, I’d say the best thing is to either look straight at what just happened, drawing lessons from it, or otherwise to turn your mind to other things. The sooner you can discard the sidelong glances that are neither profitable thinking about him nor forgetting the whole thing, the better.

Pray that he lives long enough to repent and accept his deliverance. Resolve that you will never ever put him in a position of trust again. Look at the path you just took, and ask where the signposts were that you missed this time, but should be on the lookout for next time, so that you ever again find yourself on the wrong freeway you will not miss the closest off ramp. Besides that, move on. Find a thought to think on when he comes to your mind, and gradually replace his place in your head with those things better suited to your current life.

Do take the time and find the right counsellor to go through the debriefing with you, though. You’ll be glad you did.

Mazel tov, BTW! It may be hard to see when the salty water of the Red Sea is still clinging to your feet, but you have been given a deliverance. Praise the Lord for it!!

Well said! :clapping:

You handled that so well by involving the police. You called his bluff on the emotional blackmail. Well done! Block him from your phone, social media, everything. He may escalate again. Are you safe?

I agree that looking at your patterns in how you choose potential mates is important. Dating and courtship should be a discernment process for whether or not someone would make a good spouse. Not whether we can make them into a good spouse. You deserve a finished product. Not a few raw ingredients.

This too! :clapping:

Agreed. It’s really sad. I hope he avails himself of the healing power of the Sacraments in a meaningful way and gets some treatment. You don’t need to stick around for that to happen, though. I see so many amazing women waste waaaay too much time trying to turn a frog into a prince.

Or, in some cases, a toad.

Not that I don’t hope for healing for the OP’s ex - I do. Just that for now, he’s exhibiting toadlike behavior, whether he can help it or not, and it’s best she stays away from him.

 

[EasterJoy]

Isn’t it scary how a “holy” Eucharistic minister could have such a disturbed secret life?

None of us would want the script of our last week’s thoughts and actions played back for the rest of our parish. Some of us have merely embarrassing incidents in the secrets of our minds, while some are truly shameful or even disturbing. It is no surprise, though, that closets with locks will sometimes have some very unsavory things hiding in them.

This is why the measures to protect children and minors from sexual abuse are needed. We can’t see into those locked closets of the mind or see evil designs written on the foreheads of those who entertain wolfish thoughts. For the sake of those who would otherwise be victims and even for the sake of those who struggle with wolfish temptations, we need to deny opportunities for the predators to pounce. If wicked designs get opportunities, someone will figure out how to use them for wickedness.

 

[EasterJoy]

I fell for him coz he seemed very holy.

I wouldn’t conclude that you are particularly vulnerable to this kind of a ploy, but I would encourage you to read “The Sociopath Next Door.” It is very informative reading with regards to spotting and avoiding expert liars. (You do want to spot and avoid someone with a pattern of lying. If they amend, they can prove their trustworthiness to someone else. Strike them off the list of your inner circle.)

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

I wouldn’t conclude that you are particularly vulnerable to this kind of a ploy, but I would encourage you to read “The Sociopath Next Door.” It is very informative reading with regards to spotting and avoiding expert liars. (You do want to spot and avoid someone with a pattern of lying. If they amend, they can prove their trustworthiness to someone else. Strike them off the list of your inner circle.)

Thanks!

 

[dshix]

Do you realize that he could have been lying, and was sending the “better of dead” message as one last guilt trip as a parting gift? Whatever the case, he doesn’t want you in his life, you don’t want him in yours, and you’re terrible for each other. GO WITH THAT!!

You wouldn’t run, but he did. Thank Heaven for delivering you, and leave this man alone. Do not accept any more communications from him, ever. Get some counselling; you need a real person for the debriefing. Without debriefing, this whole incident is going to take up way too much real estate in your mind. Your work is to hand his care and feeding over to Heaven and get on with your life.

This.

Sarah, I understand that this is an extremely difficult emotional situation for you, but this is the best way this could happen. Now you need to find healing to rebuild yourself emotionally, spiritually, psychologically. Talk to a priest you trust, and start the process.

 

[bmaj]

Like I said last night, I messaged him telling him how I feel, and that I couldn’t change him but that if he wanted to change, and was willing to accept my help, I’d help him 100% and we’d need a good priest. No response. After having got a msg saying he was at the Airport and didn’t know where he was going or when he was coming back, I replied saying that running away wouldn’t solve anything and that he can’t escape from himself. After 12 hours and no word, that’s when I made contact with the police, especially since yesterday he has messaged: Forget about me, I’m better off dead.
They located him abroad via phone and then reassured me that he’s safe and well. However, this seems to have ignited fury in him coz he messaged me saying why the hell did u do that, u don’t care about me etc…and he said he was in a hotel getting drunk. Then he messaged: u won’t c me again and I’m changing my number. I replied saying that’s your choice, take care, good night.
This is how I get treated for offering to help him. I’m feeling emotionally scared coz he’s being abusive and he knows that I know all his secrets. I really don’t know how to deal with this, although I am seeing the counsellor today. Thank God this guy and I don’t live together

The Lord does work in mysterious ways, doesn’t He? I’m so glad you have worked your way out of this relationship. Way too many red flags… Please be sure to tell the counselor everything the man has said over the phone to protect yourself, though. As one of the above posters noted, he has already cheated on you numerous times by masturbating with the porn and feels no remorse, and that doesn’t even take into account the women’s clothing issue he has or the infatuation with staring at women’s legs. It truly saddens me to hear that he’s a Eucharist Minister, but please know that there are other decent and moral men out there without such insane issues. God will lead you to one or one to you, just as He helped you realize that this was not a healthy relationship for you.
There’s also a women’s support group here at CAF titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity,” that deals with the hurt we feel when our boyfriends or husbands use porn. You or any other woman reading this may wish to join if you feel it might help you. It definitely helped me in my life with my husband when I learned of his porn use.
Please take care, my dear, and be ever so thankful to God for helping you realize that you deserve so much better in a man! Prayers and hugs heading your way.

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

The Lord does work in mysterious ways, doesn’t He? I’m so glad you have worked your way out of this relationship. Way too many red flags… Please be sure to tell the counselor everything the man has said over the phone to protect yourself, though. As one of the above posters noted, he has already cheated on you numerous times by masturbating with the porn and feels no remorse, and that doesn’t even take into account the women’s clothing issue he has or the infatuation with staring at women’s legs. It truly saddens me to hear that he’s a Eucharist Minister, but please know that there are other decent and moral men out there without such insane issues. God will lead you to one or one to you, just as He helped you realize that this was not a healthy relationship for you.
There’s also a women’s support group here at CAF titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity,” that deals with the hurt we feel when our boyfriends or husbands use porn. You or any other woman reading this may wish to join if you feel it might help you. It definitely helped me in my life with my husband when I learned of his porn use.
Please take care, my dear, and be ever so thankful to God for helping you realize that you deserve so much better in a man! Prayers and hugs heading your way.

Thanks so much. Yes I do deserve better. Dunno if I could ever trust a man again though. But I’m better off single than with this sad recluse. I still love him but I don’t think I actually even know him. And he won’t face his schizophrenia. He just gets the injection and gates the mental health professionals.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks so much. Yes I do deserve better. Dunno if I could ever trust a man again though. But I’m better off single than with this sad recluse. I still love him but I don’t think I actually even know him. And he won’t face his schizophrenia. He just gets the injection and gates the mental health professionals.

You can learn how to spot a person you can trust, how to spot someone you cannot trust, and how to proceed when someone violates your trust. After all, if you do not marry, it does not mean you will never put anyone in a position of trust. If you marry someone so trustworthy that you will never be let down, you still need to develop your ability to discern manipulation, because of course your decisions about who to trust or not trust do not end with your spouse. It will not be long before you will have children and even teens to oversee and guide. You cannot just bring your children up right and then never worry about them ever making the awful decision to try to deceive you!

You learned a hard lesson without having a failed attempt at marriage to show for it. Whatever you did that was objectively wrong can be repented of and confessed, and whatever wrong was done against you can be forgiven without returning the offender to a position of trust. Even a person struck by lightning can learn how to enjoy the outdoors without rushing inside every time the sky gets dark. Of course you are gun shy, but you can heal up and return to the world. Give yourself time! You can do this!

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

You can learn how to spot a person you can trust, how to spot someone you cannot trust, and how to proceed when someone violates your trust. After all, if you do not marry, it does not mean you will never put anyone in a position of trust. If you marry someone so trustworthy that you will never be let down, you still need to develop your ability to discern manipulation, because of course your decisions about who to trust or not trust do not end with your spouse. It will not be long before you will have children and even teens to oversee and guide. You cannot just bring your children up right and then never worry about them ever making the awful decision to try to deceive you!

You learned a hard lesson without having a failed attempt at marriage to show for it. Whatever you did that was objectively wrong can be repented of and confessed, and whatever wrong was done against you can be forgiven without returning the offender to a position of trust. Even a person struck by lightning can learn how to enjoy the outdoors without rushing inside every time the sky gets dark. Of course you are gun shy, but you can heal up and return to the world. Give yourself time! You can do this!

Thanks, I’m planning on seeing a priest tomorrow and just trying to start fresh. I’m:bighanky: so glad we didn’t get married. We would be stuck together forever

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

Agreed. It’s really sad. I hope he avails himself of the healing power of the Sacraments in a meaningful way and gets some treatment. You don’t need to stick around for that to happen, though. I see so many amazing women waste waaaay too much time trying to turn a frog into a prince.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Thanks, I’m planning on seeing a priest tomorrow and just trying to start fresh. I’m:bighanky: so glad we didn’t get married. We would be stuck together forever

Good for you, making a new beginning! :extrahappy: This will be an instance of healing and grace for you, of allowing God to bring good out of evil. I wish you all the best and will be a prayer warrior for you.

Check out some of these resources that might help explain some better directions in relationships in general, and how to find the right person to marry eventually if that is in God’s plan for you:

shop.catholic.com/booklets/chastity.html
shop.catholic.com/books-1/chastity.html
amazon.com/The-ABCs-Choosing-Good-Husband/dp/0965858243

This one sounds so good, I may need to read it myself! shop.catholic.com/how-to-find-your-soulmate-without-losing-your-soul.html

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks, I’m planning on seeing a priest tomorrow and just trying to start fresh. I’m:bighanky: so glad we didn’t get married. We would be stuck together forever

There is someone in my past that I did not marry. He’s not a bad sort, but I’ve never stopped being grateful that we each married someone else.

What was really amazing to me (and you may find the same thing) were the number of people coming out of the woodwork to say a) I dodged an ill-advised wedding, too, and it wasn’t long before I began to be thankful for it or else b) I’m sorry if this hurt you, but I can’t tell you how relieved I am that you two didn’t marry after all.

It helped me to know that I wasn’t unusual, that many people go through this and then go on to have marriages that go on for decades and decades, for their lifetimes. I hope it will help you to know that, too.

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

Good for you, making a new beginning! :extrahappy: This will be an instance of healing and grace for you, of allowing God to bring good out of evil. I wish you all the best and will be a prayer warrior for you.

Check out some of these resources that might help explain some better directions in relationships in general, and how to find the right person to marry eventually if that is in God’s plan for you:

shop.catholic.com/booklets/chastity.html
shop.catholic.com/books-1/chastity.html
amazon.com/The-ABCs-Choosing-Good-Husband/dp/0965858243

This one sounds so good, I may need to read it myself! shop.catholic.com/how-to-find-your-soulmate-without-losing-your-soul.html

Thanks so much. New start

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

There is someone in my past that I did not marry. He’s not a bad sort, but I’ve never stopped being grateful that we each married someone else.

What was really amazing to me (and you may find the same thing) were the number of people coming out of the woodwork to say a) I dodged an ill-advised wedding, too, and it wasn’t long before I began to be thankful for it or else b) I’m sorry if this hurt you, but I can’t tell you how relieved I am that you two didn’t marry after all.

It helped me to know that I wasn’t unusual, that many people go through this and then go on to have marriages that go on for decades and decades, for their lifetimes. I hope it will help you to know that, too.

Maybe there is a prince charming out there…as long as he’s not wearing tights…

 

[cornbread_r2]

In the interest of fairness, maybe the OP should send a link of this conversation to her partner so that he can have to opportunity to defend himself or at least be aware that intimate details of his life are being discussed by total strangers.

 

[Pablopedro]

Maybe there is a prince charming out there…as long as he’s not wearing tights…

What no super man? No Robin Hood? The secret you see is he has to be wearing men’s underwear over his tights.

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

In the interest of fairness, maybe the OP should send a link of this conversation to her partner so that he can have to opportunity to defend himself or at least be aware that intimate details of his life are being discussed by total strangers.

The whole point of me posting here is to get Apologetics, and this forum covers a zillion different personal topics. I hear what you’re saying, but the thing is that if I showed my (now ex) this thread, he wouldn’t reply to it at all, he’d start ranting and raving about the Catholic church, that priests abuse boys, and that half the people here probably masturbate. Trust me, if I thought that showing him this thread would help him, I would, because I do still love him, but I know that it would actually drive him further away from the truth. He’s very sensitive and does not handle even the gentlest criticism well. This thread has helped me so much. He sent me a guilt-trip message last night and I found the strength not to reply. He’s got his own demons to fight, all I can do is pray fo:shrug:r him at this stage

 

[agnes_therese]

He sent me a guilt-trip message last night and I found the strength not to reply.

That’s wonderful. It may not seem like it now, but it will get easier.

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

That’s wonderful. It may not seem like it now, but it will get easier.

Thanks