Past abuse - what do I do now?

[SecretaryMonday]

A therapist asked me to write down some of my painful memories as an exercise telling me that writing that kind of thing can be more healing and cathartic than speaking it out loud. I’ve read that same idea again recently. I found it to be true.

I would caution you about ever sending it. You never know who’s hands it will end up in (especially if you are in a monastery and a good reason to burn it) and your parent can read and re-read your accusations over and over and over again. Each time it’s read it may cause pain, confusion, anger as if you were saying it again and again and ultimately may not have the effect that you want. If they aren’t ready to deal with these things and are blind to the pain they caused this probably won’t help them see it from your point of view and may cause them to get defensive.

I tested the waters with this in my own family (with a little thing) and got denial and “I don’t remember that…” Not validation. Not an apology. Nope, just the feeling that I was vulnerable and stupid and second-guessed myself as usual.

Oh, no, I’d never mail THAT kind of letter.
I have also experienced denial, fear and bewilderment over a small accusation.

 

[jmcrae]

I recently accepted that I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment. I made excuses for it, thinking that all families have difficulties, there was a lot of stress, I have some very good memories, I didn’t go without necessities, I’m too sensitive, everybody loses their temper sometimes, we never made the news, other people suffer much more, nobody ended up hospitalized or dead, I was a difficult child etc. etc. I stopped pretending we were “normal” and now I’m not sure what to do next. I have a lot of fear and sadness that I have been processing gradually for several years, but now I realize that it isn’t just a personality flaw. I still live with my parents; they seem to have mellowed out over the past decade and we very rarely “walk on eggshells” anymore. Also, they seem to be good grandparents to my niece and nephew.

I am planning to leave in the near future. If I am accepted, I will become a Postulant at a Monastery (if not, I’ll move out of the house anyway). It feels like I only have the next few months to do much if anything about the history of abuse. I could always write letters later, but this might be awkward if a Novice Mistress is reading my outgoing mail.

What do people do in these situations? I honestly believe that my parents do not remember, or they at least only remember it in the mildest form. They are trying very hard to be loving. If I told them what happened, would it just cause them unnecessary pain, or perhaps make them believe that I’m lying to them and threatening their reputation? My sister is aware of the abuse (she left home as soon as she legally could to escape) and she can monitor their interaction with her children to help prevent future problems.

Any advice is appreciated.

Why must you “do” anything at all, if the abuse is over? Some things need not be discussed. Ever. Especially if the discussion will cause hurt feelings (yours, when they deny that it ever happened, or theirs, when they realize how badly they have hurt you, when really that’s not what they meant to do at all).

But you can discuss it with your siblings, and you can learn how to cope with the aftermath. Counseling is good - it will help you re-parent yourself, fill in the gaps, and figure out how to make up for what’s missing.

 

[Pa_Newman]

From my own experience I would say that it takes a long time to come to grips w/ abuse in my case a very long time.Your story sounds all too familiar along w/ the family dis function there was sexual abuse( I must be nuts sharing this in a public forum).Counseling can be helpful, but it has to be the right counselor.I was in and out of counselling for years and had some of very bad experiences.The last person I worked with was an excellent therapist and facilitated much healing in my life.Him along with a kind and holy priest.My advice pray and keep on praying.I prayed for 30 years for healing. I realize that God heard my prayers all those years and was never silent. Healing of such wounds takes time as one of my closest friends says “it is like peeling an onion- one layer at a time”.You can only deal with so much at once. The first step is being able to acknowledge the reality of your situation, which is very hard to do in itself.As far as writing a letter to your parents etc. I would advise against this.Personally I don’t think it would help and might just create more heart ache for all involved and it really will not bring you healing.I now realize that my parents both came from extreme dis function.It may be the same w/ your’s also.As far as your vocation goes I would recommend that you discuss your concerns w/ a priest you trust I am sure he could give you some good advice.I don’t think your situation will prevent you from going to the monastery, but it needs to be dealt with either before or after you enter.These things just don’t go away.Go before the Blessed Sacrament and pray, ask the Blessed Mother for her help and guidance.Take care and God bless you.

 

[SecretaryMonday]

Why must you “do” anything at all, if the abuse is over? Some things need not be discussed. Ever. Especially if the discussion will cause hurt feelings (yours, when they deny that it ever happened, or theirs, when they realize how badly they have hurt you, when really that’s not what they meant to do at all).

But you can discuss it with your siblings, and you can learn how to cope with the aftermath. Counseling is good - it will help you re-parent yourself, fill in the gaps, and figure out how to make up for what’s missing.

Good plan.

 

[SecretaryMonday]

Take care and God bless you.

Thanks, you too. I’m sorry for all of your losses.