Past Affair

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catholicanne

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My husband told me today that three years ago he ended a two-year affair with someone he worked with. We have been married for 11 years and he said this was the only time he has ever cheated on me. He said he didn’t know what he was doing but it lasted for two years so I know he’s not telling me the whole truth.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to respond. He says he still wants to stay married, that he’s willing to do anything make it right. He said he confessed it to me because it was eating away at his soul. How can I recover from this? How can I move forward? Do we still sleep in the same bed? Do I still cook dinner for him? How can we ever be the same again? 😦
 
Sorry for what you’re going through. There have been several threads about this from the perspective of whether a cheating spouse should tell their partner about it, or bear it silently as part of their penance.

But my .02 is it is your life, not mine or anyone else’s. What you can live with and need is different than others, what I would or wouldn’t do in this situation is irrelevant.

You can consider counseling, retrovaille (sp?), marriage encounter etc.

I would suggest as a start you take a weekend away, pray, ponder what you want, need, and can deal with first. It will be hard to do this kind of introspective pondering and internal examination without some physical distance.

God bless you and yours.
 
I have no advice, but I will pray for you tonight.

My heart is broken for you.😦
 
I’m so sorry. Please make an appt for both of you to meet with your Priest. He may be have the names of some Catholic counselors in your area. Only you can decide whether this is something you can move past.

My prayers are with you.
 
You have every right to be angry, confused and upset. I think you both need to find a priest that can help you find a good counselor. I think it would be a good idea to get tested for any STDs because even though your husband has only been with this one other person, there’s really no telling about the other woman’s past sexual experiences. So yes, I would definitely withhold intimacy until you and your husband are tested and found clean.
I’ll be praying for you tonight.

God Bless!
 
I would say that your wedding vows were yours alone and you made them before God, so the fact that he violated his does not give you cause to violate yours. I echo the sentiments of the other posters regarding prayer, spiritual and psychological counseling, and medical testing, but I add that “What God has joined, man must not divide” applies even to the offended spouse.
 
No one can tell you if you should cook his dinner or share his bed. That is your decision to and anything you choose is perfectly fine.

I pray you will eventually find peace in your heart regardless of how things turn out on the outside

Angie
 
This type of thing takes a lot of time to work through. It helps if your husband has some contrition, (and patience), because it’s pretty normal to go through some pretty strange feelings for quite some time. It helps to have someone to talk to that you can trust. Don’t share with someone just because you are angry, it’s dangerous and you might really regret it later.

Be patient with yourself as well.
I’ll pray for the both of you.

Peace.
 
I agree with Marlap. You are angry and upset now and you have a right to feel that way. Sometimes the shock and hurt make you open up to someone who would not have your best interest at heart. You need a weekend to yourself… and also if your spouse is truly sorry he will go with you to a priest or other Catholic based counselor to find out what needs to change in your marriage in order for you to stay together or seek anullment.
 
catholicanne said:
My husband told me today that three years ago he ended a two-year affair with someone he worked with. We have been married for 11 years and he said this was the only time he has ever cheated on me. He said he didn’t know what he was doing but it lasted for two years so I know he’s not telling me the whole truth.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to respond. He says he still wants to stay married, that he’s willing to do anything make it right. He said he confessed it to me because it was eating away at his soul. How can I recover from this? How can I move forward? Do we still sleep in the same bed? Do I still cook dinner for him? How can we ever be the same again? 😦
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Has he gone to confession? Did he tell you to make himself feel better? Or because he wants you to punish him? It just brings up a thousand more questions doesn’t it? you must feel like you’ve been hit by a truck. 😦

Here’s a big hug for you sister. :hug3: One thing you know. He chose you. He didn’t leave. Are you willing with the help of the Holy Spirit to forgive him? It is a looong up hill climb, but it is do-able. I feel for you, and wish I could some how make this better for you!

Know that you are in my prayers
 
catholicanne said:
My husband told me today that three years ago he ended a two-year affair with someone he worked with. We have been married for 11 years and he said this was the only time he has ever cheated on me. He said he didn’t know what he was doing but it lasted for two years so I know he’s not telling me the whole truth.
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If he offered this information up on his own (i.e., you didn’t discover it and subsequently discovered it), that is a very good sign. It is indicative of him realizing his error, trying to make it right, and asking for forgiveness.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to respond. He says he still wants to stay married, that he’s willing to do anything make it right. He said he confessed it to me because it was eating away at his soul. How can I recover from this? How can I move forward? Do we still sleep in the same bed? Do I still cook dinner for him? How can we ever be the same again? 😦
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Only time will heal these type of wounds. Yes, he screwed up big-time, but since he came forth and admitted it, I’d recommend allow him to attempt to make things right.
 
I really hate to pile on in a thread like this, but I have to say that coming forward with this information is incredibly selfish on his part. Quite frankly I think it better that a spouse who commits this transgression is better off saying nothing unless there is a risk of a sexually transmitted disease or an out of wedlock child. People who come forward with this information out of nowhere are just looking for absolution that they can only receive from the confessional, not their spouses.

That’s not to say that a spouse who has strayed should lie about. He or she should not. That spouse should say nothing unless confronted. At that point it’s best to tell the truth. But to come out of nowhere with the disclosure? I don’t care for it.

I guess I see it a lot like my own father who confessed his sex addiction to my wife because I have my own struggles (with porn, not with strip clubs, affairs or anything like that). She didn’t want to hear it but he insisted in disclosing everything which really troubled her heart and he did it probably only in part as a warning. The rest was for his own benefit.

I don’t have advice about how to deal with this situation, only prayers for you OP because you’re quite the innocent victim here. You have every right to sever the conjugal life if you desire that. The only obligation you have is to forgive him but that’s because as Christians we are obliged to forgive everyone for every transgression against us even if some of those who hurt us never ask for it.
 
The_Bucket said:
I really hate to pile on in a thread like this, but I have to say that coming forward with this information is incredibly selfish on his part. Quite frankly I think it better that a spouse who commits this transgression is better off saying nothing unless there is a risk of a sexually transmitted disease or an out of wedlock child. People who come forward with this information out of nowhere are just looking for absolution that they can only receive from the confessional, not their spouses.

That’s not to say that a spouse who has strayed should lie about. He or she should not. That spouse should say nothing unless confronted. At that point it’s best to tell the truth. But to come out of nowhere with the disclosure? I don’t care for it.

I guess I see it a lot like my own father who confessed his sex addiction to my wife because I have my own struggles (with porn, not with strip clubs, affairs or anything like that). She didn’t want to hear it but he insisted in disclosing everything which really troubled her heart and he did it probably only in part as a warning. The rest was for his own benefit.

I don’t have advice about how to deal with this situation, only prayers for you OP because you’re quite the innocent victim here. You have every right to sever the conjugal life if you desire that. The only obligation you have is to forgive him but that’s because as Christians we are obliged to forgive everyone for every transgression against us even if some of those who hurt us never ask for it.
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I totally disagree. If a husband/wife cheat, the other spouse has the right to know that the marriage vows were broken. I know if I ever cheated, I would feel like I was living a lie until I confessed to my husband and priest.
 
The_Bucket said:
People who come forward with this information out of nowhere are just looking for absolution that they can only receive from the confessional, not their spouses.
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Not necessarily.

If there is one person on the planet that we should be able to trust, it should be our spouse. And if there is one person that we should be able to confide in when we fail, it should also be our spouse. The spouse is the person that can best keep us from failing again.

Granted, people are different, and each person will ultimately have to decide for themselves what the appropriate course of action should be.
 
Hello Catholicanne,
I am sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this. I’m sure there are times when you feel you cannot even function, like your mind is stuck in quicksand.

It is extremely difficult but always ask yourself what our Blessed Lord would do with your relationship with Him had you been committing some grave sin for two years but repented of it and asked for His forgiveness.
If you were heartily sorry and truly desired to ammend your life would He tell you, “Sorry Catholicanne, I do forgive you but I will never allow your reconciliation with Me again. I could never risk you hurting Me like that again.”

A few amazing stories from Sacred Scripture that help here are the prodigal son story, the story of God and Israel in Jeremiah 3, and the story of Joseph being betrayed by his brothers. Let us seek to imitate the father, Joseph and God in those stories!

You and your husband will be in my morning prayers.
Bryan
LOVE SO AMAZING
 
I hope that you are finding some sort of comfort and peace. 🙂

I remembered you in my prayers tonight.
 
Monicad said:
I think this is where the controversy exists. The emphasis is on the “feelings” are on the one who had the affair. They are confessing to their spouses to release pressure, to feel free of the lie, to get it off their chest. This is why I think many people feel the act is self-focused since clearly it is NOT going to make the cheated-on spouse feel better! Very easily the only one who will feel any better whatsoever would be the one who cheated as they feel a sense of relief. This is why (in my opinion) not feeling that “relief” is the cross that the cheater has to bear in order to spare the feelings of the spouse who does not know. Just my opinion though.

I do agree though with confessing to a priest. Confess to the priest and accept the fact that your soul is as white as snow! Once the sin has been confessed the spouse need not know unless like others have said, there may be a sexually transmitted disease to worry about or a pregnancy.

To the original poster sorry to derail your thread by my comment, please know I am so very sorry for your situation and have been praying and will continue to pray for you. God bless you and stay as close to Jesus as you can. God bless you.
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I don’t think it’s wrong to ask for forgiveness. The pain that the spouse is feeling isn’t because they were told about the affair, it’s because the affair happened in the first place. The guilt may cause the marriage to deteriorate even further. The guilt may actually cause this to happen again down the road if he feels he cannot appoach his wife. By apologizing, he wants the marriage to heal. There are obvious issues that need to be worked out, and it is better done by both spouses than alone. The cheating spouse obviously has some issues that need to be dealt with, and so if confessing to his spouse will lead him out of the shadows and into healing by working on this issue together than that might be beneficial for both of them. Living a lie, and not confessing it may create a bigger problem. How will the wife know to get herself tested for STDs? The truth always comes out eventually. Who knows if she would later find out through someone else? Cheating is incredibly selfish! Perhaps by working together as a team, they can fix the obvious breaks that were in the marriage so this will never happen again.
 
Evania said:
I don’t think it’s wrong to ask for forgiveness. The pain that the spouse is feeling isn’t because they were told about the affair, it’s because the affair happened in the first place. The guilt may cause the marriage to deteriorate even further. The guilt may actually cause this to happen again down the road if he feels he cannot appoach his wife. By apologizing, he wants the marriage to heal. There are obvious issues that need to be worked out, and it is better done by both spouses than alone. The cheating spouse obviously has some issues that need to be dealt with, and so if confessing to his spouse will lead him out of the shadows and into healing by working on this issue together than that might be beneficial for both of them. Living a lie, and not confessing it may create a bigger problem. How will the wife know to get herself tested for STDs? The truth always comes out eventually. Who knows if she would later find out through someone else? Cheating is incredibly selfish! Perhaps by working together as a team, they can fix the obvious breaks that were in the marriage so this will never happen again.
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I definitely agree, and I can assure you that if my fiance ever cheated on me I would absolutely want him to come clean and confess it to me. I want to know, I do not want him to ever lie to me or hide things from me, and if he did so that would be far more harmful to our marriage than an affair which he repented of and confessed to me.this isn’t just about the guilty party relievving their feelings, it is about the guilty party being honest with their spouse and helping to preserve trust between the spouses. If my fiance ever cheated on me, it would be hard to trust him around other women, yes, but if he, on top of that, lied to me about it, then it would be hard to trust him about** anything. **Once he is willing to lie to you about one thing, what else could he be hiding from you? Honesty between spouses is an absolutely fundamental aspect of a healthy marriage, one should never advise people to be dishonest to their spouse.
 
Monicad said:
Once the sin has been confessed the spouse need not know unless like others have said, there may be a sexually transmitted disease to worry about or a pregnancy.
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There is almost always a risk of sexually transmitted disease when engaging in sexual activity with multiple partners.
 
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