Past Failure at Chasity

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PeterDaniel

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I am maturing into my faith and have realized the importance of staying chaste until marriage. I am a 20 year old male nd use to not be an “active” Catholic. In some senses I am re-entering my faith. I stopped going to mass for about 5 years until I was 19 and was not involved at all. Durring that time I had sex a lot, with a lot of different partners, I was large into partying and that scene. But now I am deep in my faith and want to stay away from that lifestyle and wait till marriage to have sex. I am concerned because I want to date (discern marriage) a Catholic girl. I worry that when I tell my future girlfriend of my past I will have difficulties keeping a girlfriend because of my failure in the past to remain chaste. I honestly want to wait now. I want a truly authentic marriage, and to see my wifes beauty as God intended, pure. How do I explain my past to my future girlfriend (who hopefully will also want to wait to have sex. I wouldnt date her otherwise.)
 
Go to confession return to Sunday Mass attendance, maybe even go to weekday Mass when you can, and don’t look back.
You will be ok. God always invites to come back. Welcome home.
 
I have done all these things. I just worry how to talk to my future girlfriend about it.
 
I don’t think that’s a conversation you really need to have. Maybe when you are considering marriage, but for a girlfriend? No.
Too much too soon.
 
But I feel like discussing the fact that neither of us want to have sex before marriage will give her the impression I am a virgin. However I am not. If I wait for marriage it might hurt her that I didnt tell her.
 
OK, so say, I’m not a virgin, and I regret that. But I’m living a new pure life now.
Sounds good to me. You are under no obligation to tell everyone you date. Seriously, move past it.
You can’t move past if you continually rehash it.
 
I waited. My wife didn’t. Want some fearless (i.e., I’m not worried about “scaring away” your new faith) honesty?

It actually hurt a lot. As a virgin, those mostly-fictitious thoughts like “I wonder if I’m the best s/he’s had?” are really difficult to banish. I remember being crushed the first time I imagined my wife giving oral sex to her past partner. (It’s still not fun to think about.)

Now the good news: It goes away. All those insecurities and all that pain are such a wonderful opportunity for the mercy of Christ to enter into our lives in a concrete way. By some tiny, dull measure, I reflect the forgiveness of Jesus when I refuse to hold her past against her. Alternatively, her love quiets my fear by its very unconditional nature.

My perspective/advice is: Sex has a meaning; grace has a price. For now, focus on giving yourself a break. Don’t let the devil turn this into a way of corrupting your new path under the mercy of God. When the time comes, be prudently honest at the appropriate time. Many women (rightly) see sorrowful honesty over past sins as a form of bravery.

You’ll be alright.
 
It bothers me that you did not wait for marriage, you asked God for forgiveness and he gave it to you, and yet, you want a girlfriend that is a virgin. A bit of a double standard don’t you think? Why not just make it clear that you have a past, but will be waiting for marriage from now on, including whoever you date, and whatever their own past might be?
 
I appoligize if I didnt communicate clearly. She does not have to be virgin ( I am not a virgin. I would forgive her as I would hope to be forgiven.) I was trying to communicate that I want my girlfriend to also want to wait till marriage as I do. That being said I wouldn’t deny her if she had messed up in the past (as have I). Its about wanting to stay pure now I would not condemn her for her past. I would only want to encourage her to keep chaste until marriage.
 
One thing I should warn you about - if you started going back at 19, and are 20 now, some people may be a little more cautious, simply because it’s been a very short time. This isn’t going to be a permanent thing so much as many wanting to wait to ensure you show a long-term commitment to chastity.
 
PeterDaniel said:
I worry that when I tell my future girlfriend of my past I will have difficulties keeping a girlfriend because of my failure in the past to remain chaste.
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That’s a real possibility. There are dating couples who do split over that. But there are also those who will look past the past. If she is troubled by your past and end it, you must accept that it has ended no matter how much it hurts. If she wants time to decide on whether she wants to continue dating, don’t pressure her.
 
This wasn’t in your question, but you’re going to have to learn a completely different style of dating, with a completely different pacing.

Here’s a good book:

“How Far Can We Go: A Catholic Guide to Sex and Dating”

The cover and title are a little cheesy, but the advice is extremely solid and practical.
 
I am actually currently reading Jason Evert’s new book “Theology of the Body In One Hour”. Also I saw him speak a few times a week and a half ago in Chicago at the Student Leadership Summit (basically a young adult Catholic conference.) I really like his books and talks. They help me a lot and deepen my faith.
 
He is an excellent speaker! So glad you had the opportunity to hear him.
 
If it´s the right partner, it can work - even if you have to understand worries of your future spouse, too.
I was in a similar situation. Many “past stuff”, then meeting my husband, I was his first relation, even if he wasn´t raised catholic. We talked about it, mostly he feared he could blame himself or that I have fixed standards in my mind. We talked about this before marriage. I feared I would have to hide my experiences. None of this happened. But we are able to talk openly about this stuff, and this is important. I don´t talk about past relations if it´s not really needed, but he know my past exists. There is really no reason to have ex-relation talks daily.
One of the most beautiful experiences I ever made was to feel pure after my wedding in a way I didn´t expect to be possible. So, stay on your good way, It´s not just right, it is a kind of healing, even in this way, you might not think you need until you have it.
 
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The way things are today, there are probably more non-virgins than virgins out there, so there’s a good chance that, unless you are limiting yourself to “pristine waters”, you may find a Catholic lady who also "has a “past but repented”. And, to be honest, such a woman may be able to understand your situation better than a person with no past (and vice versa).

One thing for you to consider: if both you and a virgin male were both interested in the same virgin female, what would you do?
 
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