Past sexual sin causing problems in new relationship

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lizdog

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I would love any help or guidance with this issue. About one month before I met my current boyfriend, I sinned sexually with another guy. We didn’t have sex and we didn’t go super far but definitely still wrong and sinful. After that mistake, I did a lot more research on premarital sex and prayed on it a lot since I didn’t get taught much on this topic growing up. I decided that I didn’t want to make those mistakes anymore and I was constantly praying and asking God to show me (when I was ready) a pure man who wouldn’t seek sexual things for me. Then I met my current boyfriend and he was exactly that. We started dating a few months later and I’ve never felt closer to God and on the right path in my life. Recently (about 6 months of dating later) my boyfriend found out the details of this guy I made mistakes with a month before we met and he is totally crushed that this happened so close to when we started dating because he thinks I haven’t healed. I had no idea this would be an issue since I haven’t felt super affected by it since my original conversion away from that but I can see why he’s upset. I guess my question is. Was this too soon for us to date? Should we break up because of this? Do I need more time to heal even though I don’t feel affected by it?
 
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if you don’t mind me asking, about how old are you? The reason I am asking is because that it may help me assess the majority level for you or him. I completely understand that struggle by the way. It’s not impossible to get over though… I’m sorry he feels that way, and I’m sorry that you weren’t taught that much about that.
 
Difficult situation for you, because the problem isn’t primarily yours, it’s your boyfriend’s. The discovery has made him insecure, and that’s very understandable. It’s a terrible ordeal for a young man in love to discover that his girl was involved with someone else fairly recently. The (fortunate) fact that you didn’t have intercourse with the other guy definitely helps (a lot, in my opinion) – but it won’t take away your new bf’s pain completely. It’s going to take quite a bit of time for him to get over this. If you want things to work out, you’ll have to give him that time, and make sure you don’t waver in your commitment to him. (I’m not talking about other guys; I’m sure you don’t intend to do that. I just mean don’t give your bf the feeling you’re not sure anymore, because if that uncertainty comes on top of what he’s already going through, he’s really going to freak out.)

One important question: is the other guy actually around? I mean, does he move in the same social circles, do you and/or your boyfriend occasionally meet him or just see him? That would make things much harder on your boyfriend, you see. If this is the case, you might want to consider taking steps to remove the other guy from your life, or get yourself and your bf away from him. And definitely make sure he’s not on your Facebook, your phone, or whatever. Make sure he’s gone and stays gone from your life.

You ask if it was too soon for you to date. I think not really. You can’t really artificially postpone dating anyway. It doesn’t work. When the opportunity presents itself you take it or you leave it; I don’t think it would work if you said “well we want to date but we’ll do it later”. And especially now that he’s already made the discovery, creating distance between yourself and your new bf would only make him feel worse.

You also ask if you should you break up. I’d say, not if things are otherwise good between you and your boyfriend. If this problem is the only problem, just give it time. He’ll get over it, but not easily, and not soon. If this is the guy you want to be with, stick with him.

Last, you ask if you need more time to heal. I don’t think so. It sounds like you clearly feel and understand the big difference between your “thing” with the other guy, and what you have with your current guy. So you seem to have realized your mistake, which is the healing you needed.
 
Nobody is really ever 100% prepared for a relationship or a vocation. We grow in holiness throughout our lives, or at least we are suppose to. If we aren’t moving forward it means we are moving backwards. There is no such thing as standing still. If people waited until they were in perfect condition to start a relationship, the human race would have went extinct a long time ago.

Conventional wisdom is to make sure that grave sin isn’t active in your life, which it seems like it isn’t. So you’re probably okay to be in a relationship although you know yourself better than anybody else.

Peace.
 
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When you say he is totally crushed, it makes me think that he is the one who is in need of healing, and I wonder why he thinks you have not healed.

To answer your questions: I do not think it was too soon for the two of you to date. You had time to think about it, pray over it, and resolve to do better. It doesn’t sound like you need more time to heal. I don’t know if you should break up because of it. If you do have to break up, it may be because of problems on his side, not yours. I think he may have some issues of his own, such as jealousy, which may be related to possessiveness (thinking of you as an object that he wants to own or control), or maybe some hurt in his past. I think I agree with @Roguish that if things are otherwise good between you, then give it time, be patient with him.
 
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I think I’d ask your boyfriend to point out areas of healing that he thinks you need to address.
 
I agree with everyone that said the boyfriend is the one with the problem. If you have been to confession, you have been forgiven. He should know this. If he can’t handle your past, you might need to rethink the relationship, you don’t need this being “there” for the rest of your life. Not sure how he knew all of this about your past, but for others reading this, it is not necessary to go into great detail about your past.
 
lizdog said:
Was this too soon for us to date? Should we break up because of this? Do I need more time to heal even though I don’t feel affected by it?
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This is HIS issue, not yours. He is not the arbiter of your thoughts and feelings. He does not say when you are “healed” and when you are not. You do.

His feelings are hurt, and he is projecting that on you. You have done nothing wrong in this current relationship.

These sins are in your past and the only person who has a right to the details is Christ through your priest in confession.

Your boyfriend needs to accept what you say, not what he’s making up in his head. He’s making something out of nothing, and it’s aimed at you. Tell him once more that the other guy is in your past, and that you are committed to a godly relationship. If he won’t listen, you may end up breaking up but not because of something you did or because you arent “healed”, but rather the fixation your boyfriend has on something you cannot change.

Please understand this is HIS issue.
 
You’re not the one who needs time to heal, from the way it sounds- but maybe he does.

I think you need to ask him whether he can see himself getting over it, or whether he thinks it’s going to be an issue for him. Recently there was a thread on here started by a women who was not able to get over her husband’s past relationships, and she was considering divorce because of it.

If he can’t deal with the news in a healthy way, it’s going to be a problem for your relationship. It’s not up to him to decide whether you’ve “healed” or not- if you assure him it’s not an issue, he needs to either believe it and trust you, or let go of the relationship.
 
You have been to Confession and God has forgiven you, right?

Then it is no one else’s business.
 
Is the man who has a problem with your past actually friends with the one you dated, then went too far with? Otherwise, how is he getting his information? It’s pretty low, two men discussing the past of a woman they both dated. Is the first man jealous? Trying to cause trouble? I agree that they shouldn’t both be in your life, but if your current bf is friends with the other, and wants to stay so, I’d say you’d be well to get rid of both of them!
 
Hate to be a last chime in? But seriously you’re in the clear.

We all make mistakes. We can’t all heal from all of them either.

But if it’s something you’re over with? This is even more of a non-issue.

Besides? A proper and right sort of relationship is really all you’d totally need to heal through your near past anyway. So dive in. And just hold strong to your new and improved values.

Everything else should fall into place.

Peace.
 
If your boyfriend consider that it is an issue for him, please consider it as an issue for him.
To think it is his problem and ignore it might not be do some good. It will nit sove anything and can be some real harm in some years.

I don’t think that you should break up because of it, but perhaps he sould express his worries at you or another person, such as a therapist, or afriend. It can be good that you both have an honest discussion on how this past can affect your current relationship and your future marriage.
 
TheLittleLady said:
You have been to Confession and God has forgiven you, right?

Then it is no one else’s business.
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It’s not that simple. The bf seems like a good person and is hurting, so it’d be cruel (it is cruel) to dismiss the difficulties the bf is undergoing. Yes, sin hurts and hurts others. You sinned? And your sin hurt another? Then take up the double responsibility that the other was hurt by your sin and is hurting. Instead of adding insult to injury, by dismissing the others suffering with a cold shoulder - and less even, by stating his suffering is invalid.

And that’s just a brief matter of principle, without unpacking and developing the moral and personal issues the person is left working through. So, suddenly, charity doesn’t mean nor imply carrying each other through difficulty…
 
I don’t know “how far” you went nor what constitutes “super far”, nor do I want to know. It is possible that you did not go far at all but your current bf thinks you did - possibly scrupulosity on his part? Maybe a difference of standards? Or maybe you did go super far but don’t realize it or don’t want to admit it?

I’m not asking you to answer this to us, but just giving you some things to consider.
 
Unless the other person has contracted a deadly STD, become/made someone pregnant or been married, the details of their past sexual sins are between that person and God. Not between that person, God, the next person I date, the person I date after that, the person I get engaged to, etc.

If knowing every detail of your date’s sexual history is important to you, then, make that known right up front so they can make a decision to date you knowing this requirement.
 
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