Pastoral advice: what if a couple wants IVF?

[NSFrame]

Honestly, being told this is about bearing the cross is not helpful. My mother said this to me after I suffered a late-first-trimester miscarriage where I had seen the baby alive twice on ultrasound and then was not able to get pregnant again for a long time. Being told that this is your cross to bear by someone who has never experienced fertility problems is like rubbing salt in the wound. They already know they have been singled out for this grief, it does not need to be emphasized. What they need to hear is the message of God’s love for them.

 

[NSFrame]

I have friends who are practicing Catholics, they never miss a Sunday at church. When they discovered that she is infertile they went to their priest and asked if they could morally seek out IVF. He told them only if no embyos are destroyed in the process and none are frozen. they followed that advice. The IVF was successful for them. I’ve shared this story here before and have been told that the Priest was out of line and should get in trouble with the Bishop.

I’ll be perfectly honest, I considered this route back when I was uncertain if I’d ever be able to conceive.

 

[thewanderer]

Honestly, being told this is about bearing the cross is not helpful. My mother said this to me after I suffered a late-first-trimester miscarriage where I had seen the baby alive twice on ultrasound and then was not able to get pregnant again for a long time. Being told that this is your cross to bear by someone who has never experienced fertility problems is like rubbing salt in the wound. They already know they have been singled out for this grief, it does not need to be emphasized. What they need to hear is the message of God’s love for them.

I know for me, when I have gone through deep suffering in the past, focusing on the fact that that suffering is the cross I was asked to carry and so, through accepting this cross and uniting my sufferings to Christ I would be doing my small part to help others was extremely helpful, as was the particular devotion I posted, because sometimes the cross is just too large and intimidating for a person to even hope to be able to know how to start the process of “taking up their cross”.

Emphasizing the cross doesn’t mean rubbing it in their wounds that they have a cross to bear. Of course they are well aware that they have a particular suffering that they’ve been singled out for. Emphasizing the cross is about giving their suffering purpose and meaning. This, of course, needs to include lots of emphasis on God’s love for us. You are right that they need to hear that message of God’s love for them. But if they only hear “God loves you” While they are stuck with this horrible suffering it would be easier for them to say “yeah right, if God loved me he wouldn’t leave us in this horrible place”. They have to be shown how their suffering has purpose, as well as that the fact that they are suffering does not mean God loves them less, but can in fact be a sign of great love, God is asking them to unite with Himself in an even more intimate way than he asks other people by being united even more closely to Christ through the cross.

 

[thewanderer]

I know for me, when I have gone through deep suffering in the past, focusing on the fact that that suffering is the cross I was asked to carry and so, through accepting this cross and uniting my sufferings to Christ I would be doing my small part to help others was extremely helpful, as was the particular devotion I posted, because sometimes the cross is just too large and intimidating for a person to even hope to be able to know how to start the process of “taking up their cross”.

Emphasizing the cross doesn’t mean rubbing it in their wounds that they have a cross to bear. Of course they are well aware that they have a particular suffering that they’ve been singled out for. Emphasizing the cross is about giving their suffering purpose and meaning. This, of course, needs to include lots of emphasis on God’s love for us. You are right that they need to hear that message of God’s love for them. But if they only hear “God loves you” While they are stuck with this horrible suffering it would be easier for them to say “yeah right, if God loved me he wouldn’t leave us in this horrible place”. They have to be shown how their suffering has purpose, as well as that the fact that they are suffering does not mean God loves them less, but can in fact be a sign of great love, God is asking them to unite with Himself in an even more intimate way than he asks other people by being united even more closely to Christ through the cross.

Of course, I can sit and give general advice til the cows come home, but what really matters is for the priest to find out where the couple stand, Are they just looking for help in bearing their cross? Are they trying to understand why God would afflict them with such a burden? Are they questioning the Church’s teaching on the topic? etc and tailor his approach to the individuals before him and their particular needs. So he should do his best to listen and then work to help them with whatever it is that they need help with most.

 

[Joe_5859]

Of course, I can sit and give general advice til the cows come home, but what really matters is for the priest to find out where the couple stand, Are they just looking for help in bearing their cross? Are they trying to understand why God would afflict them with such a burden? Are they questioning the Church’s teaching on the topic? etc and tailor his approach to the individuals before him and their particular needs. So he should do his best to listen and then work to help them with whatever it is that they need help with most.

Right, and individual approach is needed. Different people are going to respond to different things. The priest would need to feel out where they are at. It may even vary from husband to wife. I have a child with special needs. My wife’s sensitivity level and my sensitivity level with regards to the comments of others is not always the same.

 

[1blessedmomma]

I almost turned away from the Catholic Church earlier this year. My husband and I struggled with infertility for 10 years, we did IVF and have have been blessed with 2 children (through 2 implantations). I prayed for all my embryos to become babies and mourned those that did not survive. I still have 2 embryos left.

After reading about canon law and the churches standing on IVF, I felt that maybe the Catholic Church was not the right christian community in which to raise our family (especially about reading some of the other posts in this forum). My husband has said from the beginning that it is through God’s grace and God’s will we have these 2 beautiful children. But I wondered, would our children think we’re hypocrites for raising them in the Catholic faith who would look at their conception as one conceived out of mortal sin?

So with nervously apprehension I decide to talk to my priest; who was amazing to talk to. He said that we must approach this pastorally, not to judge and then he listened to me. He listened about my medical issues, surgeries to remove a tumor, subsequent infertility, the sadness of feeling empty & broken when you want nothing more to grow your family with your wonderfully caring husband. We talked about different examples (divorce, remarrying, children conceived out of wed lock or rape etc) of canon law/church doctrine and how gray all of these areas are and how only God knows the truth of these matters and we just do our best by making the best heart felt decisions we can with the knowledge we have. He told me that he knows how much we love our children and each other, he knows we did not decide to do this with malicious intent, and he even went on to say if he was in our shoes would have done the same thing.

God Bless all the priests out there that are meeting us sinners where we are at. I am still with the Catholic Church and actually have prayed about getting more involved with the church through volunteering and have recently committed to reading the bible.

My priest could have given me the catholics canon law standing on IVF… but instead he listened and showed me he cared and then shared what he saw in me which was God’s love and light that is the only hope anyone ever needs. So my advice to you is ask questions and listen, show them you care. Sometimes people just have to talk things out and use the free will God gave them to make the decision. Of course give them the facts about Canon. Law if they have not already read it for themselves.

Hope this helps!

 

[Royalist]

I have friends who are practicing Catholics, they never miss a Sunday at church. When they discovered that she is infertile they went to their priest and asked if they could morally seek out IVF. He told them only if no embyos are destroyed in the process and none are frozen. they followed that advice. The IVF was successful for them. I’ve shared this story here before and have been told that the Priest was out of line and should get in trouble with the Bishop.

And that is correct.

usccb.org/issues-and-action/human-life-and-dignity/reproductive-technology/begotten-not-made-a-catholic-view-of-reproductive-technology.cfm

"Not everyone who has had a child through IVF has used donor eggs or sperm, collected the sperm through masturbation, or killed “extra” unwanted babies in the course of the pregnancy. Yet there is still a moral problem with the procedure itself. Why? "

vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/cfaith/documents/rc_con_cfaith_doc_19870222_respect-for-human-life_en.html

“These procedures are contrary to the human dignity proper to the embryo, and at the same time they are contrary to the right of every person to be conceived and to be born within marriage and from marriage.”

In other words, the new life has the right to be conceived in the normal way, inside the body of its mother as a result of the marital act with its father.

This right does not go away just because the couple has a medical condition that makes normal conception very unlikely.