Pastor's Inappropriate Actions, What to do?

[BVM_prayforus]

I’m going to not mention specifics because I don’t want to cause scandal. Especially as the pastor (I’m not sure if it was intentional) possibly broke the seal of confession with me. It wasn’t a very embarrassing sin, so I just brushed it off and never went to confession again with the said priest. I thought it would be more prudent to keep this private because I don’t want to get someone excommunicated. Honestly, I don’t mind if people know about that sin. I was also really conflicted because this pastor was always very orthodox, and I’d always highly respected him.

I know that my pastor is yelling at children/adults in an unwarranted abusive way. This is not a one time slip-up, this has been going on for years. However, my family didn’t believe the rumors until it happened to my younger sibling. We weren’t sure if it was just typical small town gossip. Unfortunately the current bishop is in Rome, so we have been told to wait on the issue. But, it has reached the point that something has to be done.

The pastor has also fired many parish council members who are faithful Catholics in full agreement with the church. He also hasn’t let the parish council meet in over a year.

This is only half of what has been going on. I’m really not sure what to do. Parishioners have been writing letters to the former bishop for years. We are really worried that if matters are pushed the pastor will take out more anger on my siblings. (He’s threatened to withhold sacraments.) We have a new bishop, but he is out of the country for now.

 

[Trishie]

My prayers that all will unfold for the best outcome.
Lord I ask Your healing for this pastor, and for whatever he needs to deal with issues that cause scandal and harm to young souls and their faith.
Please give protection to the faith of those who have experienced their pastor’s anger.

Hiding a breaking of the Seal of Confession does not remove the seriousness of the sin and its consequences. I understand your reticence, but unless your pastor is ill and in some way not responsible for his actions, it is a matter for excommunication through his sin, not your fault. It is a serious matter that does require the attention of the Bishop.

Gossip would be wrong, but quietly informing the appropriate authority may prevent another person going through a similar experience.
Your pastor may be ill in some way and may need help.
Many a person has been driven from the Church even for a lifetime when experiencing the unjust anger of one of God’s shepherds.

I ask the Lord that all will be well for all concerned. Lord I trust all to Your merciful love.

 

[Edmundus1581]

(Nice prayer, Trishie! - I have read it allowed for this priest and parish).

To the OP…

I had a priest break the seal of the confessional once by discussing with me, outside the confessional, what I had confessed. He did this in the nicest possible way, by encouraging me in the remedies I was working on. Nevertheless he broke the seal. He also did this quite conspicuously in a small country parish I was visiting. Even though it was very well intentioned, it did cause me a lot of distress. I decided, as you did, to just let it go. Anyway, you would have to be absolutely certain of your facts and that there was no other explanation for the apparent violation, whereas you admit that there was some doubt about it.

However your other matters sound serious, and worthy of attention. I would recommend that you do something about them, but don’t mention the violation of the seal. That could seem like you were using it to get action on other matters. These matters should stand on their own merit. However, if you hear of other violations of the seal then you should probably act on that as well.

:twocents:

 

[agnes_therese]

If your bishop is only in Rome for a short time – such as for an ad limina visit – there’s no reason not to go ahead and write him. Just state the facts that you know, not rumors that you can’t be sure about. But if other parishioners, who have direct knowledge of this yelling and threats, also write, it will strengthen your case.

 

[martininthefiel]

I once had an Episcopal priest inadvertently break the Seal of Confession with me. (The rules concerning this in TEC are exactly the same as in the Catholic Church.)

It was during prenuptial counseling. Something I had said during a Confession earlier that same month was brought-up in the presence of my wife-to-be. I decided at the time not to pursue the issue, because the disclosure was in fact trivial, but years later, during a brief counseling session with the same priest, I did confront him personally. His response was that he did not have a specific memory of the incident, but that he sometimes had a hard time remembering how came to know certain things about an individual. He said that he likely did not remember that I had revealed this matter in the course of a Confession. He apologised for the breach. As far as I was concerned, that closed the matter.

As to the matter of a priest displaying abusive conduct toward members of a parish, I think it is essential that he be confronted; and that, if necessary, the regional vicar, or a bishop be informed. Such conduct is unacceptable, and needs to be dealt with.

 

[bmullins]

Just keep in mind that the priest is indeed human, just as you and I are. I had a problem with a Parish priest when I first began going to our parish, and left the parish for over a year. Then one day I began to think of my own struggles with anger. After I began to watch him I saw a man who struggles. A man who yes, loses his temper… but also is quick to appologize. Who sits with his head in his hands (counting? breathing? I don’t know what happens in his mind) and then looks up and is back to peace. Who might leave the room in anger, but moments later walks back in to put his arm around the person he lost it with, and tell them he realizes he was in the wrong and is sorry.

Now he didn’t always do this… but now 7 years of being with us, he has began to change. To grow in Christ. Make sure that we aren’t judging them too harshly, they need our love and support as well. These are men who give up their families, friends, their lives… to serve us. Often times in a new parish, especially the first few years, they are going to clash with everyone who is used to it being done ‘their way’. The old priest and the new aren’t going to run things the same way or even think the same… so get to know him, and find out who he is before throwing stones. (I know in this case it’s been years.)

The other thing is the withholding sacraments… that’s a serious thing… usually that’s not done unless there is a serious matter. I don’t want to know the specifics… but is there a reason behind it? For instance, confirmation… are they coming to RE? the Eucharist… is there anyone living in open sin and not going to confessional? etc. I can’t imagine any priest simply threatening to withhold a sacrament for no reason.

 

[Edmundus1581]

…make sure that we aren’t judging them too harshly, they need our love and support as well. These are men who give up their families, friends, their lives… to serve us. …

And remember, they are not like you local member of parliament, or doctor, or butcher. You can live without these. But you can’t live without your priest.

 

[Joe_Kelley]

…
The pastor has also fired many parish council members who are faithful Catholics in full agreement with the church. He also hasn’t let the parish council meet in over a year. …

I don’t know the rules for your diocese. However, in general, I don’t think there is a requirement that he have a parish council. You may want to check that before continuing a complaint on that issue.

 

[BVM_prayforus]

If your bishop is only in Rome for a short time – such as for an ad limina visit – there’s no reason not to go ahead and write him. Just state the facts that you know, not rumors that you can’t be sure about. But if other parishioners, who have direct knowledge of this yelling and threats, also write, it will strengthen your case.

I don’t want to identify my diocese, so I’m not going to go into details. But, the bishop will not be back for three or more weeks.

 

[BVM_prayforus]

Just keep in mind that the priest is indeed human, just as you and I are. I had a problem with a Parish priest when I first began going to our parish, and left the parish for over a year. Then one day I began to think of my own struggles with anger. After I began to watch him I saw a man who struggles. A man who yes, loses his temper… but also is quick to appologize. Who sits with his head in his hands (counting? breathing? I don’t know what happens in his mind) and then looks up and is back to peace. Who might leave the room in anger, but moments later walks back in to put his arm around the person he lost it with, and tell them he realizes he was in the wrong and is sorry.

This is not the case. I too am not perfect, but I am happy to apologize. The pastor denies the behavior. The dishonesty is what worries me. Also, this is not just a case of losing a temper.

Now he didn’t always do this… but now 7 years of being with us, he has began to change. To grow in Christ. Make sure that we aren’t judging them too harshly, they need our love and support as well. These are men who give up their families, friends, their lives… to serve us. Often times in a new parish, especially the first few years, they are going to clash with everyone who is used to it being done ‘their way’. The old priest and the new aren’t going to run things the same way or even think the same… so get to know him, and find out who he is before throwing stones. (I know in this case it’s been years.)

This has been going on for over six years, he has been a pastor for a while longer. We just didn’t believe the stories because he was nice to my family. He was very nice to my family until the past year. We had him over for dinner almost every month. I looked up to him and greatly respected him. I saw him everyday at daily mass when I was in high school. I spent hundreds hours around him while volunteering within the parish. I’ve been to dozens of retreats he’s led. He gives beautiful homilies and is an accomplished speaker. The same thing goes for the rest of my family. We are very involved in the parish. The past year he started to become manipulative, dishonest and abusive towards multiple family members on a regular basis.

I feel guilty because as a teenager I saw this behavior towards others, including the elderly. But I idealized the priest, and didn’t tell my parents. He hid the behavior from my parents at this point.

The other thing is the withholding sacraments… that’s a serious thing… usually that’s not done unless there is a serious matter. I don’t want to know the specifics… but is there a reason behind it? For instance, confirmation… are they coming to RE? the Eucharist… is there anyone living in open sin and not going to confessional? etc. I can’t imagine any priest simply threatening to withhold a sacrament for no reason.

Nothing you mentioned is the case. My family is faithful; I am very blessed to have been born into such an amazing Catholic family.

I thought like you that this was the case when he withheld sacraments from others. Honestly, I realize this was out of pride on my part. Unfortunately, many people have gone to bishop before my family about this behavior. There have been hundreds of letters written.

The priest is good friends with multiple Cardinals including the prefects of tribunals in the Vatican.

 

[Edmundus1581]

I thought like you that this was the case when he withheld sacraments from others. Honestly, I realize this was out of pride on my part. Unfortunately, many people have gone to bishop before my family about this behavior. There have been hundreds of letters written.

The priest is good friends with multiple Cardinals including the prefects of tribunals in the Vatican.

This is all very strange. How can there have been hundreds of letters written, and no action?

It is also very significant the priest presents two personalities. He has fine homilies and can be very nice to people. Yet he verbally abuses others and unjustly withholds the sacraments. Such people, who are able to present a good front when they choose, are usually more damaging and more difficult to confront than those who are uniformly and predictably flawed.

I agree with the previous posters who have said that action must be taken, but you have to ensure that it is completely factual, and preferably involves incidents where there were witnesses. Nevertheless, if a vulnerable person reports that he or she was verbally abused in private, and there are several such cases, then their accounts should also be included.

I agree entirely with this early response to your OP…

If your bishop is only in Rome for a short time – such as for an ad limina visit – there’s no reason not to go ahead and write him. Just state the facts that you know, not rumors that you can’t be sure about. But if other parishioners, who have direct knowledge of this yelling and threats, also write, it will strengthen your case.