In all honesty I have not been completely honest with you all. I am a textbook narcissist. My intentions are bad. Everything I do is to further myself. I only want to approach god because I want eternal happiness. I know that I would never get to heaven like this. I don’t know what to do. My intentions are all about myself and I wallow in self-pity. Praying to god is all for myself and none for him. In my good deeds for others, I instinctively expect reciprocation. I always hear that complete lack of empathy is the final sign of damnation. The only thing that drives me forward is corporal pleasure and the fear of suffering for eternity.
Is there anything I can do at this point
If all you want is eternal happiness (at the expense of living miserably now), then I’m more tempted to call it “low expectations” than “narcissistic.”
What too many miss, is that the “kingdom” that Jesus tells us about – the place where there is no judging, etc. – is for here and now, while we are alive. The fruit of the spirit are not something we are supposed to hope to taste after we’re alive; they are what we are given to taste by sufficiently surrendering our will.
I’m not saying it’s “paradise” in that the world isn’t going to suddenly change into Disneyland or something, but in my mind it can be just as happy. Jesus shows us how. Do not judge, do not worry about tomorrow, repay evil with kindness, the greatest among us is the one who serves, first shall be last, etc. These are all mental exercises to help condition us to receive the gift that is His kingdom, and to receive His peace which He gives us, not like the world gives. The world cannot give “peace” although it can offer “comfort” by providing “good” conditions for a period of time, which means comfort is temporary and conditional; Christ’s peace is eternal and unconditional, and that eternal includes now. These mental exercises are necessary because society binds us – seemingly helplessly – to expectations of the world itself. We are supposed to accuse and shame and condemn and fret over tomorrow, for one reason because it helps those people who will sell us worldly remedies that will not give us the peace of Christ.
The peace of Christ comes with a transformation of mind and heart Jesus calls being born of the spirit. The trick is to self-efface all of the craziness and noise that society gave us, and lay ourselves naked before God to transform our minds and hearts. Easier said than done and all major religions including Christianity have their ways of going about this. In Catholicism it’s often approached by someone reading stories of the mystics and the spiritual journey, and growing widespread use of contemplative prayer and literature. Many will try but few will get there – IMO because we’ve been misled and taught that it’s all about our own will power to control ourselves. It’s actually about losing our will, not building it up, and this is the paradox that requires trust.
The funny part is that once you experience this birthing in the spirit, it may seem at first like nothing really happened except anxiety is somehow reduced. Some have an urge to laugh out loud. But for me, I just noticed that all of a sudden things were very peaceful and still. Over time life gets like that, where I can be in a difficult or “annoying” situation and sit with perfect peace, knowing that as God tells us we don’t have to be upset just because we’ve
judged our environment to be that kind of environment we should be upset about.
Things will happen. Jesus said conditions will keep getting worse. Don’t let that bother you, because He said it will happen and it will divide us. Are you going to live a living hell by worrying and fretting about the evil world, and then just hope for happiness after you die, or will your eyes be opened by the Lord to see the kingdom which is around us, in the disguise of a terrible place called Earth.
2 Kings 6
11 Greatly disturbed over this, the king of Aram called together his officers and asked them, “Will you not tell me who among us is for the king of Israel?”
12 “No one, my lord king,” answered one of the officers. “The Israelite prophet Elisha can tell the king of Israel the very words you speak in your bedroom.”
13 He said, “Go, find out where he is, so that I may take him captive.”
Informed that Elisha was in Dothan,
14 he sent there a strong force with horses and chariots. They arrived by night and encircled the city.
15 Early the next morning, when the servant of the man of God arose and went out, he saw the force with its horses and chariots surrounding the city. “Alas!” he said to Elisha. “What shall we do, my lord?”
16 Elisha answered, “Do not be afraid. Our side outnumbers theirs.”
17 Then he prayed, “O LORD, open his eyes, that he may see.” And the LORD opened the eyes of the servant, and he saw that the mountainside was filled with fiery chariots and horses around Elisha.
I’m not saying that you will hallucinate and see these visual sightings, but you will learn to see things in a different way.
So I say up your expectations and look for peace and joy and the rest of the fruit of the spirit, right now while you’re still alive. You will become a contagion that will infect many others with desire to answer God’s call.
MS
It is an excellent book. I have also benefited from Jean Baptiste’s excellent writings.