Paying for a wedding, rescinded promises

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My oldest of two daughters is getting married out of state on June 1st. It will cost me about $30,000. His family did not offer to share expenses, nor did I expect them to. However, if your in-laws said they would contribute, they should fulfill their self-imposed obligation. I consider myself lucky. While I’m a lawyer and consider myself fortunate, my daughter is marrying into a very wealthy family. They spent approximately $110,000 on my daughter’s future sister-in-law’s wedding two years ago ($10,000 Vera Wang dress included). I feel like a pauper in comparison. 🙂
 
nodito said:
“MIL, I completely understand how situations like this can sometimes change. I’m afraid we can’t afford such a large wedding anymore. We’re either a) going to forfeit the deposit (if it was her contribution) and host a smaller reception at this other location or b) drastically cut the guest list so that it only includes immediate family and close friends. We love you and hope you will understand why we will no longer be able to invite Bob from legal/Mary from rotary club/next-door neighbor Jane.”
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That is SO charitable. I can’t even write what I would have said.

😊
 
Have the invitations been sent? If not, you can trim down the list to your immediate family and friends. You will probably lose your deposit and that stinks, but you can still change your plans and save money in the long run. Perhaps if you explain, some of the vendors may be able to offer you a less expensive option and not require you to forfeit your deposit. (especially whoever is supplying the food and cake. It isn’t like they’ve already bought the food.) I imagine it can be devastating when you’ve worked so hard to prepare all the festivities, but it will all work out, it will be lovely, and when it’s said and done, you will be married!
 
aemcpa said:
Slash the guest list, starting with anyone involved with the in-laws who is not blood.
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+1

While the in-laws may have no obligation to contribute to the costs, the bride and groom and most certainly the bride’s family have no obligation to pay for receiving people with such connections as e.g. the groom’s father’s workmates.

I’d want to talk to the in-laws and make them realise the damage done. Paying or not is one thing, withdrawing from support promised is another, but leaving somebody in debt and/or defaulting on contracts is yet another.
 
chevalier said:
+1

While the in-laws may have no obligation to contribute to the costs, the bride and groom and most certainly the bride’s family have no obligation to pay for receiving people with such connections as e.g. the groom’s father’s workmates.

I’d want to talk to the in-laws and make them realise the damage done. Paying or not is one thing, withdrawing from support promised is another, but leaving somebody in debt and/or defaulting on contracts is yet another.
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Yep, a really nasty thing to do. FH needs to speak to his parents, but as someone else said earlier, this may not be the first time they’ve done something like this.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Yep, a really nasty thing to do. FH needs to speak to his parents, but as someone else said earlier, this may not be the first time they’ve done something like this.
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What’s more, 2/3 of the guests are people whom they put on the list despite no real connection to the bride and groom, far exceeding the broken promise anyway.

I’d be expecting the groom as a man to stand up to them on the issue of the guest list. Otherwise I’d be afraid of parental influence in the marriage to come. Might be an eye opener.
 
chevalier said:
What’s more, 2/3 of the guests are people whom they put on the list despite no real connection to the bride and groom, far exceeding the broken promise anyway.

I’d be expecting the groom as a man to stand up to them on the issue of the guest list. Otherwise I’d be afraid of parental influence in the marriage to come. Might be an eye opener.
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Yeah, might even be a deal killer.
 
The practical advice that everyone has given you in regards to the wedding is pretty much spot on - I have nothing to add.

In regards to letting go of the anger and betrayal: lots of prayer, lots of talking with your fiance (have things like this happened before to you both? just to him? if so, why didn’t he warn you this might be a bad idea, etc), and possibly bringing it up with your priest at a pre-Cana meeting. Heck, maybe schedule a one-on-one session to talk it over with the priest - he knows you better than this forum does. 🙂 It will take time, but hopefully the planning stress won’t make it take longer. You don’t want to have your marriage starting out with such a sour note.

Literally cutting the guest list might also help. 😉 Or ripping, shredding, burning…
 
chevalier said:
What’s more, 2/3 of the guests are people whom they put on the list despite no real connection to the bride and groom, far exceeding the broken promise anyway.

I’d be expecting the groom as a man to stand up to them on the issue of the guest list. Otherwise I’d be afraid of parental influence in the marriage to come. Might be an eye opener.
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Maybe I’m mistaken but I don’t think there was an agreement to split the guest list in thirds, just the expenses. My MIL “padded” our guest list as well with people neither I nor my husband really knew. But then again, so did my parents. I don’t take the uneven number of guests from one side of the family as an indication that they’ve broken that promise, just the agreement for the expenses.
 
Ahhh…the infinite benefits of paying for your wedding totally on your own.

Hubby and I footed the vast majority of the bills. With the exception of the wedding cake and the down payment to hold the reception hall we footed the entire bill.

The wedding was small, the guest list was small and I got exactly what I wanted in regards to food, theme, venue…everything.

The best part. We had absolute and total control over the guest list. My MIL made an attempt to pad it with extra people.
My husband called her and told her, politely, that it was not going to happen. She wasn’t happy…but, hey, it wasn’t her wedding.

I think we only had mild squabbles when it came to the guest list.

To the OP:

The best advice I can give you now…given the information available.

If I were in your shoes and faced with this situation.
I’d give her the consequences…guest list will be slashed. It’s your wedding and not hers…period.
Your husband needs to speak to his mother…frankly…because, despite any financial issues, what they did was very disrespectful and would leave a bad taste in my mouth in regard to my in-laws.
 
PatriceA said:
Maybe I’m mistaken but I don’t think there was an agreement to split the guest list in thirds, just the expenses. My MIL “padded” our guest list as well with people neither I nor my husband really knew. But then again, so did my parents. I don’t take the uneven number of guests from one side of the family as an indication that they’ve broken that promise, just the agreement for the expenses.
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I see. I tried to connect the expenses and the reliance damage with the padding, from a fairness point of view.
 
Hi everyone,

sorry it took me so long to get back to you, yesterday was my birthday so I was out with friends at the movies and dinner.

To answer some questions: FH and I have been together for a few years, and been friends even longer. I know him -very- well. His family, I don’t know as well, though they don’t have much bearing on my relationship with him, other than causing us stress from time to time. While they are not the kindest people, they have never backed out of something financially before that I am aware of. Their choice to not help with the wedding anymore came as just as much of a shock to my FH (their eldest son) as it did to me.

To those who have brought up that it is my family’s responsibility to pay for my wedding: They are, for the most part, destitute. My mother is the only member of her family who has completed a college degree, and she is always giving money to relatives who can’t afford house payments and electric bills. My father left my mother when I was very young, and has not been involved with my life since. My FH and I are both in our late 20s, and have decided that after dating for three years we’d like to get married because remaining chaste is hard and we have done a lot of diligence as far as discerning marriage, including numerous discussions with our priest.

Our original plan for our marriage was a small wedding mass, followed by a reception in the school cafeteria. That was what we could afford. When we started talking to our families about it, they both came forward with guest lists that were much larger than the cafeteria could hold, we informed them this was out of our price range, and we all talked it out and agreed that 10,000$ a piece was more than enough for the wedding size we were now talking about (FMIL kept insisting we had to make a good impression on people). 10,000$ was the whole wedding budget when just FH and I were paying for it, but we were only going to invite 100 people, now we’re looking at 225-250.

I am leaving dealing with his mother in FH’s hands. I know if I turn into a shrew about this she’ll just make his life miserable. Apparently FMIL also sent FH another guest list, adding more people, after telling him she’s not helping with wedding expenses anymore. He is going over there for a chat later today, where he has told me he plans to inform her that her list is being cut down drastically, and we’re capping the guest list at 150.

Thank you for the advice, and hopefully FH and FMIL can work something out.
 
mandajane said:
Hi everyone,

sorry it took me so long to get back to you, yesterday was my birthday so I was out with friends at the movies and dinner.

To answer some questions: FH and I have been together for a few years, and been friends even longer. I know him -very- well. His family, I don’t know as well, though they don’t have much bearing on my relationship with him, other than causing us stress from time to time. While they are not the kindest people, they have never backed out of something financially before that I am aware of. Their choice to not help with the wedding anymore came as just as much of a shock to my FH (their eldest son) as it did to me.

To those who have brought up that it is my family’s responsibility to pay for my wedding: They are, for the most part, destitute. My mother is the only member of her family who has completed a college degree, and she is always giving money to relatives who can’t afford house payments and electric bills. My father left my mother when I was very young, and has not been involved with my life since. My FH and I are both in our late 20s, and have decided that after dating for three years we’d like to get married because remaining chaste is hard and we have done a lot of diligence as far as discerning marriage, including numerous discussions with our priest.

Our original plan for our marriage was a small wedding mass, followed by a reception in the school cafeteria. That was what we could afford. When we started talking to our families about it, they both came forward with guest lists that were much larger than the cafeteria could hold, we informed them this was out of our price range, and we all talked it out and agreed that 10,000$ a piece was more than enough for the wedding size we were now talking about (FMIL kept insisting we had to make a good impression on people). 10,000$ was the whole wedding budget when just FH and I were paying for it, but we were only going to invite 100 people, now we’re looking at 225-250.

I am leaving dealing with his mother in FH’s hands. I know if I turn into a shrew about this she’ll just make his life miserable. Apparently FMIL also sent FH another guest list, adding more people, after telling him she’s not helping with wedding expenses anymore. He is going over there for a chat later today, where he has told me he plans to inform her that her list is being cut down drastically, and we’re capping the guest list at 150.

Thank you for the advice, and hopefully FH and FMIL can work something out.
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You two sound mature enough to marry to me.

You and your husband are still free to return to the original wedding plans, and the original guest list. Even if you are stuck with a minimum cost at the original venue, making it the cheapest to have your reception there because it has to be paid for, anyway, you can scale down the wedding to include that minimum amount of food and so on that the contract stipulates. Were I you, I would handle the mailing of all invitations, and not let your future in-laws touch them. If they won’t trim the guest list themselves, that will force their son to do it for them. Oh, well!

Also, if you stay with the original venue, have it in writing that no one may add anything to your bill except you and your husband, not so much as a Jordan almond or a carnation.
 
Also, if you stay with the original venue, have it in writing that no one may add anything to your bill except you and your husband, not so much as a Jordan almond or a carnation.

Excellent advice^^^!!!
 
“(FMIL kept insisting we had to make a good impression on people).”

Now I want to say whatever TheRealJulianne was going to say.

Be nice, but stick to your guns.

“I’m sorry, FMIL, we’re just going to pay for the wedding that we can afford. People that love us will understand that. And we don’t want to invite anybody who doesn’t care about us and won’t understand.”

OK, maybe that wasn’t super nice. I guess it all depends on the delivery.

(By the way, it occurs to me that “FMIL” could stand for something totally different than “Future Mother-in-law.”)
 
mandajane said:
I am leaving dealing with his mother in FH’s hands. I know if I turn into a shrew about this she’ll just make his life miserable. Apparently FMIL also sent FH another guest list, adding more people, after telling him she’s not helping with wedding expenses anymore. He is going over there for a chat later today, where he has told me he plans to inform her that her list is being cut down drastically, and we’re capping the guest list at 150.

Thank you for the advice, and hopefully FH and FMIL can work something out.
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First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 🍰:dancing:

Hard to believe that a mom of the groom would pull the financial support AND add guests - it’s almost as if she’s deliberately trying to provoke a response! Seriously?? I hope your future hubby takes his mother well in hand today, because this will set the tone for your relationship with her from here on out.

I will say, though, that things like this are almost never totally out of character for the person in question. Maybe she’s never pulled exactly this stunt before, but trust me, this is not new behavior… Unless there’s something organic going on such as brain damage.
 
thanks

FH had a few choice words for what he thinks is going on - namely, that his parents overspent themselves, and rather than just tell us “We can’t afford as much as we thought”, they want us to use our down payment to cover the wedding. He noted to me that his mothers announcement came the day after he talked with his father about buying a house, and had mentioned how much we had set aside for a down payment (more than our wedding budget!) and now his mother is acting as though that money is just “lying around”.
 
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