Paying for funeral mass

[Joannm]

But you are jumping to a hypothetical meeting with the pastor. In many cases, the initial discussion about stipends and Masses is done at the funeral home. The priest isn’t even likely to know that the person died until he is contacted by the funeral home director. With a parishioner, it is likely that the pastor would have known the person was dying, maybe even been the one to give last rites. In these cases, the family probably calls the parish before they call the funeral home. I know we did, when my father died.

In the OP’s example, we don’t know if the family ever had a discussion with the priest in person, only that when informed of the stipend, they decided to have the service at the funeral home instead.

I can see this as happening. In our parish we are contacted by the funeral home when someone dies, even if it is someone who is well known, we usually hear from the home first. Any fees associated with the funeral, including the church, are included in the funeral home’s bill. So it could be that the family, trying to cut costs, told the director that they wanted to have a service instead of the costs involved in the church. It could have completely bypassed the parish. Our priests aren’t involved in planning funerals, they just show up at the home for the wake and then at the funeral, unless it is someone they know and have been visiting.

Included in the funeral home’s fees are the wake, limo and hearse to the church, pall bearers (usually 4), the organist, cantor, sacristian, priest stipend, transportation to the cemetary, and more,

We have waived the fee for a funeral, but usually it is because we have been contacted by the funeral home or family. It could be that the family just said drop the funeral mass just have the priest come for a service. We have been seeing more and more of that and not becuase of money but because they don’t see the funeral mass as important.

 

[agapewolf]

No,this is not third hand-this is about my father who died on Monday. Dad chose cremation as well.

The funeral home is not going to be involved-the price is “$100 for the Priest and $150 for the church”. That was the exact quote from the director when we told him we wanted to have a funeral mass.

This is in a retirement community where upwards of 150 to 200 people will be at a Daily Mass

First you say the funeral home isn’t involved. Then you say there is a quote from the director. Seems like the funeral home IS involved.

Where I am, the funeral home has an automatic system. The family pays the funeral home, and the funeral home pays me (musician) and the church/priest. The priest meets with the family, so they can express their financial need at that time.

 

[Corki]

I can see this as happening. In our parish we are contacted by the funeral home when someone dies, even if it is someone who is well known, we usually hear from the home first. Any fees associated with the funeral, including the church, are included in the funeral home’s bill. So it could be that the family, trying to cut costs, told the director that they wanted to have a service instead of the costs involved in the church. It could have completely bypassed the parish. Our priests aren’t involved in planning funerals, they just show up at the home for the wake and then at the funeral, unless it is someone they know and have been visiting.

Included in the funeral home’s fees are the wake, limo and hearse to the church, pall bearers (usually 4), the organist, cantor, sacristian, priest stipend, transportation to the cemetary, and more,

We have waived the fee for a funeral, but usually it is because we have been contacted by the funeral home or family. It could be that the family just said drop the funeral mass just have the priest come for a service. We have been seeing more and more of that and not becuase of money but because they don’t see the funeral mass as important.

This is exactly how it was handled when one of our family members died. Even though my relative was VERY active in the parish and the pastor had given him last rites on his deathbed, the money conversation was all at the funeral home (with me and my brothers). Even the “tip” for the altar servers was handled by the funeral director after the Mass.

The** only **Mass stipend that I have ever known to be “non-negotiable” or not waiveable due to financial need is for a wedding being requested by a non-parishioner. But the pastor isn’t going to know that there is a financial difficulty unless he is approached.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hi all,

This is 3rd hand info, but I’m looking for your experience.

A baptized relative recently died. He was not an active parishioner.

The church wanted $300 for a funeral mass. The family couldn’t pay, so the priest is coming to say prayers at the funeral home.

I find it hard to believe a parish wouldn’t have a payment plan or sliding scale for this. Isn’t burying the dead pretty basic Christianity?

But I’m not convinced the family tried to work things out either.

Thought I’d just remind everyone that the OP was talking about 3rd hand information. Sheer speculation and rumor. Nothing to get so serious and intense about, basically gossip.

Perhaps also making the Church look bad? Mercenary? Petty? What is the motivation for spreading this third-hand information?

 

[Seeker1961]

First you say the funeral home isn’t involved. Then you say there is a quote from the director. Seems like the funeral home IS involved.

Where I am, the funeral home has an automatic system. The family pays the funeral home, and the funeral home pays me (musician) and the church/priest. The priest meets with the family, so they can express their financial need at that time.

The funeral director is not providing any services at the church. All he did was tell us the costs to be paid. We are to write 2 checks out to the Church-$100 for the Priest and $150 for the Church. We are not paying the funeral director for any services at the Church. Dad requested cremation so there is no hearse or casket or any of that.

 

[Seeker1961]

Thought I’d just remind everyone that the OP was talking about 3rd hand information. Sheer speculation and rumor. Nothing to get so serious and intense about, basically gossip.

Perhaps also making the Church look bad? Mercenary? Petty? What is the motivation for spreading this third-hand information?

The OP was giving third hand info, which is why I brought my FIRST hand information into the thread. It was a struggle getting my Mom to agree to even do a funeral Mass and her objection was monetary. So it made me wonder how many families might also refuse a funeral Mass due to cost. In our experience, we did not feel we could ask for assistance or a funeral without paying. If there was such an option, it was not explained to us.

It’s a tough time in your life. You’re hurting and confused and everyone wants your decisions right now, so I could easily see people opting out of that Mass and I think that is a shame.

 

[maryjk]

The funeral director is not providing any services at the church. All he did was tell us the costs to be paid. We are to write 2 checks out to the Church-$100 for the Priest and $150 for the Church. We are not paying the funeral director for any services at the Church. Dad requested cremation so there is no hearse or casket or any of that.

Have you talked to the priest or the parish? Or is this information just from the funeral home?

Does the priest know your family, from attending Mass?

Again, I don’t know how it works in other parishes but I did not pay anything to the parish. I made a donation/stipend payment to the priest, but I was not told to or asked to do so. But I am a member of that parish. Maybe if you aren’t a member, they charge???

 

[Seeker1961]

Have you talked to the priest or the parish? Or is this information just from the funeral home?

Does the priest know your family, from attending Mass?

Again, I don’t know how it works in other parishes but I did not pay anything to the parish. I made a donation/stipend payment to the priest, but I was not told to or asked to do so. But I am a member of that parish. Maybe if you aren’t a member, they charge???

We went to the church first, and they did not mention price at all. My thought was that they let the funeral director deliver the “bad” news.

This church has over 200 people in a morning mass. The weekends are beyond crazy, you could be there every week for years and not be known. Mom and Dad were not regular attendees or involved, especially not since Daddy got sick.

 

[PatriceA]

The OP was giving third hand info, which is why I brought my FIRST hand information into the thread. It was a struggle getting my Mom to agree to even do a funeral Mass and her objection was monetary. So it made me wonder how many families might also refuse a funeral Mass due to cost. In our experience, we did not feel we could ask for assistance or a funeral without paying. If there was such an option, it was not explained to us.

It’s a tough time in your life. You’re hurting and confused and everyone wants your decisions right now, so I could easily see people opting out of that Mass and I think that is a shame.

I can easily understand people opting out of a funeral mass as well, but not from the point of view that you have. Most Catholics I know that have had a funeral mass for a deceased loved one understand why parishes will ask for a stipend such as $100 for the priest and $150 for the Church. Most parishes depend greatly on those fees to operate in the black for the year. Would you go to Sunday mass week after week not giving some kind of tithe to help cover the expenses of having that mass scheduled? My parish greatly depends upon the generousity of its regular parishoners and their donations to function throughout the year to just cover the expenses incurred from the regularly scheduled masses every weekend.

A funeral mass is not something that can be counted into the equation because the parish can not predict how many or how few they might have to schedule. Our priest has had up to 6 funerals in one week this past year, how else do you suggest the parish cover those expenses incurred during those type of masses then to ask for a suggested fee from those wanting a funeral mass? I wouldn’t expect to go to my regularly Sunday mass every week and not give something in the collection basket and I certainly wouldn’t expect to have a funeral mass said for one of my loved ones without giving a suggested donation to cover the costs. Even a funeral mass scheduled during the daily mass would still incur more costs than just the daily mass being said, as the daily mass is said in a small chapel in another building to cut down on the expenses. A funeral mass would be moved to the main church building and the utilities would jump greatly.

I know my parish can not schedule funeral masses without charging some kind of fee or stipend, even for registered, every Sunday participating parishoners. If they didn’t charge something, we’d be struggling more than we already are to meet our regular expenses as a parish. I think its a shame that more people do not realize how many parishes are truly struggling to make ends and would rather “opt out” of a funeral mass and make the Church out to be the bad guy in these kind of situations because they didn’t want to contribute towards the expenses incurred for a funeral mass.

 

[Seeker1961]

What if the family truly cannot afford it and is too embarrassed or ashamed to admit it? Now, again-in my case my Mother’s poverty plea was inaccurate-there was plenty to pay. However, I can certainly see a situation where medical bills could drain finances to such an extent that even that relatively small amount could be placed out of reach.

 

[maryjk]

What if the family truly cannot afford it and is too embarrassed or ashamed to admit it? Now, again-in my case my Mother’s poverty plea was inaccurate-there was plenty to pay. However, I can certainly see a situation where medical bills could drain finances to such an extent that even that relatively small amount could be placed out of reach.

What solution can there be? Other than never charge anyone for anything. Otherwise, at some point there will be a charge that someone can’t afford to pay, but isn’t willing to talk about it.

If the person isn’t willing to admit it, how does the church know?

 

[PatriceA]

What solution can there be? Other than never charge anyone for anything. Otherwise, at some point there will be a charge that someone can’t afford to pay, but isn’t willing to talk about it.

If the person isn’t willing to admit it, how does the church know?

Exactly, the Church can only help those that have disclosed their problems. In my parish, there have been times other parishoners have helped hardship case families financially. Its one of the things that makes the parish community stronger, helping each other out in the time of need. One of our former parish priests even paid the expenses out of his own pocket when one or two families could not afford the fees. There are resources to help financially with these types of situations, but the Church can not read people’s minds if there is a hardship. I would think the family that has activiely participated in the Church that is suffering financially are known on some level to be in that situation, they’ve used the resources available such as the foodbank or community pantry, Catholic Charities, St. Vincent de Paul Society, etc. Its not the same as the situation of families not having stepped into a Church for years, if ever, and bulk at the fees of a funeral mass that seem to always cry foul and how dare the Church want them to pay for the expenses incurred.

 

[EasterJoy]

I can easily understand people opting out of a funeral mass as well, but not from the point of view that you have. Most Catholics I know that have had a funeral mass for a deceased loved one understand why parishes will ask for a stipend such as $100 for the priest and $150 for the Church. Most parishes depend greatly on those fees to operate in the black for the year. Would you go to Sunday mass week after week not giving some kind of tithe to help cover the expenses of having that mass scheduled? My parish greatly depends upon the generousity of its regular parishoners and their donations to function throughout the year to just cover the expenses incurred from the regularly scheduled masses every weekend.

A funeral mass is not something that can be counted into the equation because the parish can not predict how many or how few they might have to schedule. Our priest has had up to 6 funerals in one week this past year, how else do you suggest the parish cover those expenses incurred during those type of masses then to ask for a suggested fee from those wanting a funeral mass? I wouldn’t expect to go to my regularly Sunday mass every week and not give something in the collection basket and I certainly wouldn’t expect to have a funeral mass said for one of my loved ones without giving a suggested donation to cover the costs. Even a funeral mass scheduled during the daily mass would still incur more costs than just the daily mass being said, as the daily mass is said in a small chapel in another building to cut down on the expenses. A funeral mass would be moved to the main church building and the utilities would jump greatly.

I know my parish can not schedule funeral masses without charging some kind of fee or stipend, even for registered, every Sunday participating parishoners. If they didn’t charge something, we’d be struggling more than we already are to meet our regular expenses as a parish. I think its a shame that more people do not realize how many parishes are truly struggling to make ends and would rather “opt out” of a funeral mass and make the Church out to be the bad guy in these kind of situations because they didn’t want to contribute towards the expenses incurred for a funeral mass.

One priest did six funerals in one week? Wow. That was quite a week. I think of three in one week as being a lot.

Funeral Masses also cannot be counted into a parish’s budget because parishioners of limited means have a right to a fitting funeral, regardless of their ability to pay. “Fitting” does not mean that there have to be professional musicians or that a funeral Mass must be offered between eleven o’clock and 2 pm instead of 8:30 in the morning regardless of the number of mourners expected, but rather that no family is ever forced to decide whether or not to have Mass based on their ability to pay. Neither a proper Christian burial nor the Mass itself are items for sale. All appearances of simony are strenuously to be avoided, and the spiritual needs of the poor are to be seen to above all else. The rest, as important as the rest is, has to come after those necessities.

Considering that the average for a funeral in North America is $7-$10K, however, it is not out of line for a parish to ask families having the means to make a donation of $250 (or even more) to the parish when they have a funeral. It would be a great shame if a family with the means to offer that were to “opt out” of having a funeral Mass for themselves or for a loved one in order to evade making that donation. The need to avoid the appearance of simony does not mean that a parish has to treat members of the faithful as if they were poor when in fact those particular members of the faithful are only being parsimonious at the expense of the legitimate needs of their parish. That may mean that some members of the faithful will not have a Catholic funeral because they or their family is too cheap. Sad, but true.

God said to him, ‘You fool, this night your life will be demanded of you; and the things you have prepared, to whom will they belong?’ Thus will it be for the one who stores up treasure for himself but is not rich in what matters to God." Luke 12:20-21