PDA in Front of Family?

[BlueEyedLady]

I am starting a new thread for this topic because I didn’t want to derail the gay cousin at Thanksgiving thread. But, on that board many people expressed shock or disdain at the idea of any couple kissing or holding hands at a family dinner. This really confused me because in my family it is no big deal at all for couples to show affection. I’m not talking about making out, groping, or anything like that, but holding hands, putting arms around each other, and quick pecks are really commonplace. So are random 'I love you’s between partners.

For example, when I sit next to my husband I almost always have my arm linked under his and we hold hands. (Even when he drives I have my arm under his) My mom and her husband always rest their hands on the other’s leg when they sit, and my brother always has an arm around his wife. None of this is viewed as shocking or offensive. Even when we celebrate holidays with my husband’s family he will come up behind me when I’m cooking and give me a hug and a quick kiss after stealing a bite of food. It never occured to me that that could be construed as offensive.

I was really surprised that even little, nonsexual displays of affection are often seen as rude or inappropriate in front of family. I guess it’s just one of those things that every family does differently.

Anyway, I was just curious about other’s thoughts on the matter. What displays do you find acceptable, if any, and why or why not?

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Everything you described happens more or less in my family also. That is to say among the 4 married couples (dh and I both come from small families). One sister and her husband are much less demonstrative, but no one would raise an eyebrow at hand holding or a husband having his arm around a wife. However, no one actually kisses at the table, or rubs their spouse’s back, or even “sweet talks” too much.

We’ll see how the teens/young adults behave when they start bringing girl/boyfriends to family events.

 

[dshix]

I am starting a new thread for this topic because I didn’t want to derail the gay cousin at Thanksgiving thread. But, on that board many people expressed shock or disdain at the idea of any couple kissing or holding hands at a family dinner. This really confused me because in my family it is no big deal at all for couples to show affection. I’m not talking about making out, groping, or anything like that, but holding hands, putting arms around each other, and quick pecks are really commonplace. So are random 'I love you’s between partners.

For example, when I sit next to my husband I almost always have my arm linked under his and we hold hands. (Even when he drives I have my arm under his) My mom and her husband always rest their hands on the other’s leg when they sit, and my brother always has an arm around his wife. None of this is viewed as shocking or offensive. Even when we celebrate holidays with my husband’s family he will come up behind me when I’m cooking and give me a hug and a quick kiss after stealing a bite of food. It never occured to me that that could be construed as offensive.

I was really surprised that even little, nonsexual displays of affection are often seen as rude or inappropriate in front of family. I guess it’s just one of those things that every family does differently.

Anyway, I was just curious about other’s thoughts on the matter. What displays do you find acceptable, if any, and why or why not?

I saw the thread you refer to.

The reason we find it offensive is for one, simple reason.

We, as Catholics, consider homosexual “marriage” to be an aberrational abomination against the natural law. Yes, strong words, but our faith makes it absolutely clear that such unions, especially when sanctioned by law, are wrong.

To expose young children to such a thing will rob them of their innocence. When we teach our children that marriage is a union between a man and a woman before God and that union is sacred and integral to society, permitting them to see two men or two women making a display of affection is damaging. It is showing to them an evil in the world unnecessarily. Allowing a young Catholic child to see two men kissing is, essentially, the same (if not worse) as allowing them to see an unmarried couple, male and female, kissing. It’s just wrong; they aren’t married, they shouldn’t be making such a display of affection.

Just as an unmarried man and woman shouldn’t have sex or touch each other in certain places, because they aren’t married, a homosexual couple should not have sex or touch each other because they CAN’T be married. Such a marriage cannot exist.

I don’t expect you to necessarily agree with this, you not being a Catholic, but I hope it helps you to understand our perspective.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Yeah, no backrubbing or cutesy talk in my family either, but couples do exchange pretty frequent 'I love you’s, and lots of big hugs. Thinking about it more I think that my brother and his wife are the most demonstrative. They are both in their mid-40’s and as in love as two teenagers at the prom. They will frequently look at each other and laugh at an inside joke, or cuddle up after dinner, etc. I really don’t begrudge them at all, I’m just so happy to finally see my brother so happy. (I come from a small family though, so there are never more than 6-10 adults at any given holiday.)

Also, after dinner it’s not uncommon for everyone to retreat to the living room for football, and there we all stretch out on the couches and floor and the couples will cuddle.

Ok, so typing this makes me think that we are actually more affectionate than I initially thought, and although I would never assume that other families just accept that stuff as normal, I was still kind of shocked at the reactions to couples who just hold hands or peck in front of others.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I saw the thread you refer to.

The reason we find it offensive is for one, simple reason.

We, as Catholics, consider homosexual “marriage” to be an aberrational abomination against the natural law. Yes, strong words, but our faith makes it absolutely clear that such unions, especially when sanctioned by law, are wrong.

To expose young children to such a thing will rob them of their innocence. When we teach our children that marriage is a union between a man and a woman before God and that union is sacred and integral to society, permitting them to see two men or two women making a display of affection is damaging. It is showing to them an evil in the world unnecessarily. Allowing a young Catholic child to see two men kissing is, essentially, the same (if not worse) as allowing them to see an unmarried couple, male and female, kissing. It’s just wrong; they aren’t married, they shouldn’t be making such a display of affection.

Just as an unmarried man and woman shouldn’t have sex or touch each other in certain places, because they aren’t married, a homosexual couple should not have sex or touch each other because they CAN’T be married. Such a marriage cannot exist.

I don’t expect you to necessarily agree with this, you not being a Catholic, but I hope it helps you to understand our perspective.

I would really, really like to leave homosexuality out of this thread if at all possible, simply because it is too inflammatory and there is already another thread on it. I started this thread because so many people said that NO couple, gay or straight, should be doing XYZ at Thanksgiving, and it surprised me.

Basically, I just want to hear about what you and your partner/a typical couple in your family does. I guess if you are gay or the typical couple in your family is, then by all means post about it, but otherwise this doesn’t need to be another bloodbath.

 

[Book_Worm]

I saw the thread you refer to.

The reason we find it offensive is for one, simple reason.

We, as Catholics, consider homosexual “marriage” to be an aberrational abomination against the natural law. Yes, strong words, but our faith makes it absolutely clear that such unions, especially when sanctioned by law, are wrong.

To expose young children to such a thing will rob them of their innocence. When we teach our children that marriage is a union between a man and a woman before God and that union is sacred and integral to society, permitting them to see two men or two women making a display of affection is damaging. It is showing to them an evil in the world unnecessarily. Allowing a young Catholic child to see two men kissing is, essentially, the same (if not worse) as allowing them to see an unmarried couple, male and female, kissing. It’s just wrong; they aren’t married, they shouldn’t be making such a display of affection.

Just as an unmarried man and woman shouldn’t have sex or touch each other in certain places, because they aren’t married, a homosexual couple should not have sex or touch each other because they CAN’T be married. Such a marriage cannot exist.

I don’t expect you to necessarily agree with this, you not being a Catholic, but I hope it helps you to understand our perspective.

I believe in this thread the OP was referring to displays of affection between heterosexuals and whether or not people find them offensive.

 

[dshix]

I would really, really like to leave homosexuality out of this thread if at all possible, simply because it is too inflammatory and there is already another thread on it. I started this thread because so many people said that NO couple, gay or straight, should be doing XYZ at Thanksgiving, and it surprised me.

Basically, I just want to hear about what you and your partner/a typical couple in your family does. I guess if you are gay or the typical couple in your family is, then by all means post about it, but otherwise this doesn’t need to be another bloodbath.

I guess I didn’t read that far in the other thread.

Well, I also find that opinion rather odd. There is nothing directly wrong about married couples showing their affection, unless, of course, it’s obviously excessive. I’ll have to take a look at the other thread once more.

 

[Book_Worm]

To answer your question, I don’t find them offensive or even notice them too much. However, a similar question on another board elicited the response that those who do not have a SO might find them to be rude since it would remind them of their alone-ness.

I have had friends who carried it a little far - kissing every few minutes, lots of sweet nothings and never being more than six inches apart. Interestingly, these couples generally didn’t make it to their fifth anniversary.

 

[phil19034]

To me, it’s usually not the married couples who bother me (unless they are asolutely over the top or being too sexual), but rather the unmarried ones.

Unmarried couples who act like they have earned the same privileges as married couples in the family dynamic erks me. I also don’t like it when family members try to introduce family members to boyfriend/girlfriends at a holiday, family function.

But married couples kissing is fine, but don’t use tounge.

Note: I’m not talking about couples living together.

 

[Orogeny]

If sitting together, I almost always hold my wife’s hand or have my arm around her. I’ll sneak a quick kiss every now and then, too.

But then we have only been married for 28 years, so we are still basically newly-weds.

Peace

Tim

 

[EasterJoy]

It depends. If a couple is having problems or someone is recently widowed or going through a divorce, getting kissy-face can be depressing for them. If someone has a homosexual partner there and they would make someone uncomfortable if they did that, then it is gracious to restrict yourself the same way. Use your head and do unto others; it is not that hard.

The other thing of course is that you will find it hard to keep your privacy if you are too openly affectionate. The day you have a spat, congratulations! The whole family will know it and the “open window” you’ve cultivated will be yours to “enjoy”.

 

[Rau]

I am starting a new thread for this topic because I didn’t want to derail the gay cousin at Thanksgiving thread. But, on that board many people expressed shock or disdain at the idea of any couple kissing or holding hands at a family dinner…

I was really surprised that even little, nonsexual displays of affection are often seen as rude or inappropriate in front of family. I guess it’s just one of those things that every family does differently.

Anyway, I was just curious about other’s thoughts on the matter. What displays do you find acceptable, if any, and why or why not?

Assuming the context is heterosexual couples, I fail to see any reasonable basis (in general) for a person to be offended by the behaviour you describe.

But I can also foresee circumstances where restraint would be in order, eg:

• a couple should not behave so engrossed with each as to fail to interact appropriately with the wider group, as is the expectation at a group dinner. Such behaviour would be discourteous;
• couples might temper their conduct somewhat if in the presence of others who are in special circumstances (eg. a recent widow, a couple in the throws of divorce, etc.)

 

[Rau]

…I also don’t like it when family members try to introduce family members to boyfriend/girlfriends at a holiday, family function…

I guess you’re thinking that this is an abuse of the “family function”? I think that is a case by case judgement. I can imagine families with special traditions where to bring “another” to that special event might be inappropriate. But in other cases, it’s a non-issue and just a great opportunity to advance a relationship.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Assuming the context is heterosexual couples, I fail to see any reasonable basis (in general) for a person to be offended by the behaviour you describe.

I can foresee circumstances where restraint would be in order, eg:

• a couple should not behave so engrossed with each as to fail to interact appropriately with the wider group, as is the expectation at a group dinner. Such behaviour would be discourteous;
• couples might temper their conduct somewhat if in the presence of others who are in special circumstances (eg. a recent widow, a couple in the throws of divorce, etc.)

These are good guidelines. I think in general though, simple signs of affection are enough. Anything more than hand-holding, a quick peck, or things of that nature don’t need to happen at a family gathering (or other party). Mostly because the couple should be talking to and paying attention to the others at the event. I do find it very annoying when dinner table conversations get split by couples/families instead of people mingling - I’ve even threatened to arrange seating charts!

 

[EasterJoy]

… I also don’t like it when family members try to introduce family members to boyfriend/girlfriends at a holiday, family function…

Generally speaking, it is convenient for the family member doing it, and overwhelming to the “object” of that many introductions. Sometimes it can’t be helped, but it is a bit hard on the newbie.

 

[maryjk]

I am starting a new thread for this topic because I didn’t want to derail the gay cousin at Thanksgiving thread. But, on that board many people expressed shock or disdain at the idea of any couple kissing or holding hands at a family dinner. This really confused me because in my family it is no big deal at all for couples to show affection. I’m not talking about making out, groping, or anything like that, but holding hands, putting arms around each other, and quick pecks are really commonplace. So are random 'I love you’s between partners.

I have been reading that thread too. Subscribed, but not posting. Yet.

And I thought the same thing. My husband and I are always holding hands. Or my hand is simply resting on his thigh. Sometimes his arm is around me. We will kiss in front of the family. Now I am not talking about making out, either. I am talking about a quick peck on the lips.

For example, when I sit next to my husband I almost always have my arm linked under his and we hold hands. (Even when he drives I have my arm under his) My mom and her husband always rest their hands on the other’s leg when they sit, and my brother always has an arm around his wife. None of this is viewed as shocking or offensive. Even when we celebrate holidays with my husband’s family he will come up behind me when I’m cooking and give me a hug and a quick kiss after stealing a bite of food. It never occurred to me that that could be construed as offensive.

My husband normally rests his hand on the gear shift. And I put my hand on top of his. If he is driving with two hands, I might put my hand on his thigh. My parents also held hands, A LOT.

I was really surprised that even little, nonsexual displays of affection are often seen as rude or inappropriate in front of family. I guess it’s just one of those things that every family does differently.

Anyway, I was just curious about others thoughts on the matter. What displays do you find acceptable, if any, and why or why not?

As long as it doesn’t look like you need a room, I am fine with a little DPA. Hand holding, pecks (kisses), arm around each other, all of that is fine.

In fact, I think is shows that you and your spouse still have affection for one another.

 

[Rau]

The expression “personal displays of affection” (PDA) is broad. Even the term “kiss” is broad. I suspect when some use the term, they have in mind a peck, or something that lasts about a second. Quite a different thing to an embrace that goes on and on, complete with sound effects etc… The latter is not generally what you expect to see at a dinner party, and by such intense focus on the “one”, seems to express disregard for the “many”.

 

[EasterJoy]

Exactly. Consider what may make others uncomfortable, and err on the side of caution. It is not a lot to ask yourself. Very few people ever died from dialing down the kissy-kiss for a day, or from biting their tongues around people who couldn’t manage to take the feelings of others into consideration. This is what we do for our relatives, and for the sake of celebrating our gratitude over other worthy things.

 

[maryjk]

The expression “personal displays of affection” (PDA) is broad. Even the term “kiss” is broad. I suspect when some use the term, they have in mind a peck, or something that lasts about a second. Quite a different thing to an embrace that goes on and on, complete with sound effects etc… The latter is not generally what you expect to see at a dinner party, and by such intense focus on the “one”, seems to express disregard for the “many”.

It seems that most here are describing what they mean.

I am fine with a little DPA. Hand holding, pecks (kisses), arm around each other, all of that is fine.

he will come up behind me when I’m cooking and give me a hug and a quick kiss after stealing a bite of food.

but no one would raise an eyebrow at hand holding or a husband having his arm around a wife.

there we all stretch out on the couches and floor and the couples will cuddle.

None of that seems out of bounds. I think all of us would agree that kisses that go on and on and include sound effects are not what we are talking about.

EasterJoy:

The other thing of course is that you will find it hard to keep your privacy if you are too openly affectionate. The day you have a spat, congratulations! The whole family will know it and the “open window” you’ve cultivated will be yours to “enjoy”.

On the other hand, if you have agreed to never argue in front of others it won’t be a problem.

 

[Millie123]

A few years ago my brother was newly engaged to my now sister in law (who I love) there was a while there when I could not stand to be around them.
I would sit next to them on the couch and they would be giving each other an open mouth kiss.
If One of them got up to get a glass of water they would respond to each other with an open mouth kiss
If one of them let the dog out to go defecate they would reward each other with an open mouth kiss.
Get up to make popcorn and…more open mouth kissing.
It was just every second I was around them there was just, to my perception, an excessive amount of open mouth kissing. At the time I was newly pregnant with my son and my husband had to leave the country for 6 months. So I was both very lonely and very emotional and I just could not handle being around them. They were driving me nuts.

When My father saw how lonely I was without my husband he invited me over for dinner. I said “no.” My father saw through my refusal and said “Don’t worry, the Smoochers aren’t coming.” Which gave me comfort that I wasn’t going to be confronted with my brother and sister-in-laws constant display of affection, and I had a nice dinner with my parents.

Anyways, it has been a couple of years and they’ve completely toned down their displays. They are still affectionate with each other, as they should be as a husband and wife. It is not that I’m against public displays of affection. But, I think that displays of affection should not be excessive. I myself cuddle with my husband on the couch, give him little pecks, hold his hand, run my fingers through his hair.