Penance Problem

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TruthSkr

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Today I went to confession and discussed a very personal sexual issue my wife and I have been struggling with. As part of my penance the priest told me to pray 10 Hail Mary’s with my wife. I should have told him this would be a problem, but was afraid to question his instructions. My problem is that doing so would require me to tell my wife the details of my confession which are very personal to me and would violate the privacy of the confessional. My wife has also refused to pray with me in the past as she feels prayer is very personal and the idea of praying together is a big problem for her. What do I do?
 
All your wife needs to know is that your penance is to say 10 Hail Marys together with her. She doesn’t need to know what your Confession was. But I suppose you’re implying that she’d insist on being told.

Anyway, to get to your question, if your wife refuses to pray even 10 Hail Marys together with you, go back to the priest or a different one, explain that you were given a penance that you can’t fulfill because it involved another person who won’t cooperate and you’d like to be given a new penance.

For future reference, that’s the rule of thumb. If you’re given a penance you reasonably can’t complete you ask a priest for a different one.
 
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TruthSkr said:
Today I went to confession and discussed a very personal sexual issue my wife and I have been struggling with. As part of my penance the priest told me to pray 10 Hail Mary’s with my wife. I should have told him this would be a problem, but was afraid to question his instructions. My problem is that doing so would require me to tell my wife the details of my confession which are very personal to me and would violate the privacy of the confessional. My wife has also refused to pray with me in the past as she feels prayer is very personal and the idea of praying together is a big problem for her. What do I do?
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You ask her to pray the rosary with you as the priest instructed you.

And I truly doubt that the priest asked you to inform her about the details of your confession. No priest would ever do that. He probably just asked that your pray the rosary together, a very reasonable request.

Your obligation is to ask your wife to pray the rosary with you. If she refuses, go back to the priest and explain to him that she refused to pray the rosary together with you and take it from there.
 
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Actually, he felt it was an issue that we need to work on together which is true, but letting her know I discussed this in confession would open a new can of worms. I really don’t want her to know I discussed this in confession. It would create a whole new set of problems and just make things worse than they already are. I really don’t feel another person should be required to do part of MY penance.
 
All we can do, is all we can do.

Often I hold my wife’s hand & pray for us, while she is asleep. I believe in my heart of hearts there is no more she & me. We’re one, the same. Whatever she does, wherever she is I’m with her doing it with her. & wherever I am, whatever I’m doing she’s with me doing it with me.

So as she sleeps & I’m there conversing with our Lord or praying the Rosary I feel I am praying with her. It’s not that I’m trying to hide anything from her, she just falls asleep before I do.

So I would do that, then talk to my wife about the issue. I wouldn’t bring up the Church or the confession. I’d just talk about the issue & how I feel about it. How it makes me feel.

Then I’d go back to my confessor & explain the how & why I did what I did.
 
TruthSkr said:
Actually, he felt it was an issue that we need to work on together which is true, but letting her know I discussed this in confession would open a new can of worms. I really don’t want her to know I discussed this in confession. It would create a whole new set of problems and just make things worse than they already are. I really don’t feel another person should be required to do part of MY penance.
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Well that’s the problem. The priest thinks otherwise and your wife isn’t just another person, she’s you wife, sacramentally united with you as one entity. You two are bonded together and maybe that’s why the priest gave you the penance that he did.

If you don’t want to (or refuse to) do the penance, then go back to the priest and explain your situation and thinking to him personally.
 
Wesrock said:
All your wife needs to know is that your penance is to say 10 Hail Marys together with her.
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Actually, no, his wife doesn’t need to know, nor does she even have a right to know, that or that he went to confession at all.
 
Do not tell your wife about your confession or ask her to do something you know is going to open a can of worms. She doesn’t have a right to know about your confession and the priest cannot require anything of you that will betray your confession. This penance is going to generate questions from your wife, so don’t go there.

Your sins are forgiven whether you do the penance or not, and as this penance is problematic, ask for a different one from your priest.

Frankly if it were me, I’d say the rosary by myself and call it a day. But I can’t tell you what to do, obviously.

The priest shouldn’t have asked you to do a penance that involved your wife.
 
PeterT said:
Your obligation is to ask your wife to pray the rosary with you.
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Actually he is NOT obligated to do this penance. He can ask for another one. And even if he doesn’t do a penance at all, his sins are forgiven.

The seal does not allow the priest to require anything that will betray the penitent.
 
Dear 1ke. I have read your comments before and you have always given very sound advice and I trust your judgement. The privacy of the confessional has always been of utmost importance and should never be violated under any circumstances. Thank you for confirming what I believed to be true.
 
This was an improper penance for the priest to give.

A priest told me what my wife asked in the confessional

Note, this was after he gave her absolution and didn’t have anything to do with her sins, but still she was upset that he came to me with her request.
 
I don’t see this as violating the seal - you do not have to tell your wife why you want to pray together nor do you need to even mention that you went to confession. As far as the sin itself is concerned, I’m presuming from what you said that your wife is already aware. However, I do appreciate the problem @TruthSkr is facing - saying “the priest told me to pray with you” does rather beg the question of “why was that?”. It seems to me the easiest way is simply to ask if she’d like to pray with you and if she says know then just go ahead on your own. Ultimately, you can only do what you can do and completion of your penance (while obviously beneficial) isn’t necessary for forgiveness or absolution. That said, given that what you confessed is something that you and your wife are struggling with then praying about it together might not be such a bad idea and this is probably the reason for your particular penance.
 
In the 45 years my wife and I have been married we have never prayed together because she is just not comfortable doing so. So I am 100% sure she would say no. Furthermore, my wife has zero respect for the Catholic Church because of the sex scandal, the fact that her deceased brother may have been molested by a Catholic priest who died in prison as a convicted sex offender, and numerous other issues. So for her to learn that I discussed the intimate details of our sex lives with a Catholic priest would not go well at all. I rest my case.
 
TruthSkr said:
I rest my case.
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I’m sorry that you feel you need a “case”. You aren’t beholden to anyone on this forum.

As a general rule, anyone may ask for a different penance if the one they receive is difficult or impossible to complete. And, if one does not do their penance, they are still absolved. There is no contingency.
 
I did not explain that to the priest because my initial reaction was that it would be disrespectful to question the priest’s penance. It wasn’t until after I left the confessional that I realized the repercussions of discussing this with my wife.
 
Thank you again 1ke. I will be leaving this thread now as I have resolved my issue. Thank you everyone for your comments.
 
TruthSkr said:
My wife has also refused to pray with me in the past as she feels prayer is very personal and the idea of praying together is a big problem for her.
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One time when my husband and I were in a rough spot, we went for counseling with our pastor. He is fairly well-known in the Catholic world, we were blessed to have him as pastor for a couple of years!

Anyway, he asked if we pray together. When we said that aside from grace before meals, no, he smiled and shook his head. Said that of all of the couples he talks to, it amazes him that couples who are physically intimate feel prayer is too intimate. That praying together is vital for a Sacramental Marriage to remain strong.

He suggested we begin with something formal to “take the pressure off” making it up on our own, we began praying Night Prayer together. I cannot tell you how awkward it was at first. It also strengthened our marriage in ways that are indescribable.

You can ask your priest for a new penance, that is fine.

Still, I advise making prayer together a goal. 10 Hail Marys is started with saying 1 together “honey, will you pray a Hail Mary with me before we go to sleep?” or “let’s say one Our Father before we hit the ground this morning.”

Start slow, but, that is an intimacy level that does draw you closer.
 
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