Pending divorce... now what?

  • Thread starter Thread starter BMorel
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
B

BMorel

Guest
Hey all. Just wondering some things. My wife the other day told me she wanted to pursue a divorce and nothing I have been able to say or do can change that. I’m not realy sure where it went wrong, but I know that while we’ve been in couples counseling, I thought things were getting better. We had our 9 year anniversary on the 6th of March and on the 7th she broke the news to me. I’m extremely hurt and confused, but I know that I will be fine in the end. One concern is that with a divorce, how will that affect my relationship with the Lord, and with church. Being that I am not the one pursuing this, and I am in fact trying to salvage it, do I need to go to confession about it? From a spiritual standpoint, what do I do?🤷
 
BMorel said:
Hey all. Just wondering some things. My wife the other day told me she wanted to pursue a divorce and nothing I have been able to say or do can change that. I’m not realy sure where it went wrong, but I know that while we’ve been in couples counseling, I thought things were getting better. We had our 9 year anniversary on the 6th of March and on the 7th she broke the news to me. I’m extremely hurt and confused, but I know that I will be fine in the end. One concern is that with a divorce, how will that affect my relationship with the Lord, and with church. Being that I am not the one pursuing this, and I am in fact trying to salvage it, do I need to go to confession about it? From a spiritual standpoint, what do I do?🤷
Click to expand...
First of all, I am sorry to hear about your situation. I would contact your pastor and make an appointment to talk to him about the situation and follow his spiritual advise. I’ll pray for you and your wife!
 
With your attempt to reconcile and not wishing for this divorce to proceeed… this is not your sin.

You are still able to go to the sacraments so long as you are living as though you are married …meaing you’re not dating, your not having any sexual situations outside of your marriage etc etc. Since the primary reason we get married is to help the other spouse get to heaven, you still need to be praying for her soul and doing what you can while keeping the peace between you.

I’m so sorry to hear this, I hope things work out. If she is catholic and thinks she can break up a marriage and someday be with someone else…she’s got another thing coming if she thinks she can stay in Gods graces and do this! Is she willing to speak to a priest, catholic counciler at all ? I mean…whether she wants to be with you or not…she needs to be concerned about her soul. You both have the right to separate as long as you need to to keep peace/or if being together is more harmful and such…but you both need to abstain from sexual intimacy with others/self or dating and so forth.

I suggest going to confession for yourself, offering a sacrifice daily for her soul and for your marriage as the husband secretly and going to daily adoration at a eucharistic chapel in your area if possible.
Lastly…as it says in Ephesians…you are to be the “christ” in your marriage in that you are to be the initiator of the gift of love to your spouse and willing to die for her…and to die to self for her. So do just that!

Out of love for her, good works of love and mercy should be springing up for her on their own (she should not ask for anything) . If you guys are currently still under the same roof…this will be easier. Cooking meals, cleaning the home, doing anything for her that makes life easier, etc etc etc.

God bless
 
BMorel said:
Hey all. Just wondering some things. My wife the other day told me she wanted to pursue a divorce and nothing I have been able to say or do can change that. I’m not realy sure where it went wrong, but I know that while we’ve been in couples counseling, I thought things were getting better. We had our 9 year anniversary on the 6th of March and on the 7th she broke the news to me. I’m extremely hurt and confused, but I know that I will be fine in the end. One concern is that with a divorce, how will that affect my relationship with the Lord, and with church. Being that I am not the one pursuing this, and I am in fact trying to salvage it, do I need to go to confession about it? From a spiritual standpoint, what do I do?🤷
Click to expand...
I am so sorry. You demonstrate what is wrong with no fault divorce laws because all it takes is one person to want a divorce for any reason whether the other wants if or not. I hope that you do seek out help and support from your priest or pastoral assistant or deacon during this time. You are in my prayers. May God hold you in the palms of his hands.
 
You shouldn’t have any trouble getting an annulment, Ted Kennedy didn’t.
 
Hello, I just written a lengthy reply which somehow disappeared. To sum it up: love your wife. That is still the deal. Right now don’t even think about an anulment. Be the best man you can be. Some women can be fickle at times (trust me, I can write a whole book about that one), that is not nice but perfectly ok. It ain’t over til its over. And its only over when the big boss in heaven says so. That is the deal. Michael’s post is spot on. Keep your vows. Love your wife. If you have kids, love them. Pray. Think about fasting (maybe you want to check out www.e5men.org). That won’t guarantee that you get her back. But you can always keep your side of the deal. That’s what men do. Good luck, God bless you, I will pray for you and your wife.
 
Certainly in my prayers. This is all good advice except for the Ted Kennedy comment. You have no sin if you were not the cause or the one seeking divorce. To me divorce is nothing more than taking a precious gift given by God and telling him I don’t need you or your gifts. It is true anyone who inside or outside of the marriage that breaks up what God has joined together will have to answer for that. Would not want to be in their shoes when they stand before Him. Forgiveness is the only Key. Forgiveness! If she doesn’t forgive you but you forgive her then you have no sin in the matter unless you provoked anything which only you would know. God Bless!
 
I went through a very nasty divorce years ago. I must admit, some of the fault lay with me. I rushed into a relationship with the wrong person, but that’s no excuse for his behavior. So, in that regard, he had alot of the fault. 😦 That was actually well before I became a Catholic, but he made it clear enough that I was no longer a part of his life. So, about a year after I entered the Church, I applied for an annulment. For me, it was one more step in putting that part of my past behind me. I’ve not dated or anything since then, and so far I haven’t been tempted to do any of that. No dating, no sex, no nothing. But I’m not complaining about it at this point. Just watch what you say and do so that there can be no blame laid at your feet.
 
Thanks everyone, this is all real good advice (sans Ted Kennedy). I could never imagine my wife not being my wife, and the thing is, I’m not entirely sure that is the right answer. Let me explain. What if this entire time it’s me me living my plan for me and not God’s plan. What if this is God’s way of saying… “Brian, you’ve been at the wheel long enough, time to let me drive.” Is that even possible?
 
It’s possible. Actually, I once read that our lives are like being on a tandem bike. You know, the old bicycle built for two? It would be our preference to be on the front seat, the one in control. With Jesus on the back seat giving us directions. But we ultimately control speed and direction. God would rather us have it the other way around. If we put Jesus on the front seat, the speed and direction would be quite different. The speed would scare the daylights out of us, and the direction would scare everything else out of us. Actually, I think it was Max Lucado that came up with this. I like the analogy. We are to give up complete control of our lives. Sometimes it gets yanked away from us. Not necessarily by God. If we let him lead, it would be a scary walk. But we would be walking in HIS path, and not ours. In the Psalms it says that God’s word is “a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path.” We may only see one step ahead, but isn’t that really all we need?
 
Based on my observations, it seems like when spouses are married 7-9 years, marital stress can kick in big time. How it’s handled will determine whether or not the marriage lasts. The long and short of it is that both spouses have to suck it up, sit down, and work it out.
 
And if one spouse isn’t interested in doing that? My ex, after spending a year in Korea, thanks to Uncle Sam, decided I wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t his freebie whore who waited on him hand and foot while not asking anything. If I wanted to eat, I could just go out and get a job and pay for everything I needed. Well, I tried that, and couldn’t find a job. Especially not after I got pregnant the first year we were married. :mad: I was willing to try and work things out, but he wasn’t. In the 3 1/2 years we were married, he had affairs with 8 different women that I know of, and acted like I was married, but he wasn’t. He didn’t want to be expected to live by his wedding vows or anything else. So, I got the boot. And he and his family got pissed when I actually got custody of our daughter and my belongings. They wanted me barefoot and homeless. So, how was I suppose to “suck up and work it out”?
 
Christy_Beth said:
And if one spouse isn’t interested in doing that? My ex, after spending a year in Korea, thanks to Uncle Sam, decided I wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t his freebie whore who waited on him hand and foot while not asking anything. If I wanted to eat, I could just go out and get a job and pay for everything I needed. Well, I tried that, and couldn’t find a job. Especially not after I got pregnant the first year we were married. :mad: I was willing to try and work things out, but he wasn’t. In the 3 1/2 years we were married, he had affairs with 8 different women that I know of, and acted like I was married, but he wasn’t. He didn’t want to be expected to live by his wedding vows or anything else. So, I got the boot. And he and his family got pissed when I actually got custody of our daughter and my belongings. They wanted me barefoot and homeless. So, how was I suppose to “suck up and work it out”?
Click to expand...
Christy, I am so sorry for your pain. I will be sure to pray for you.

My only intent with this was to gain some spiritual guidance from some people that may have gone or are currently going through this or a similiar situation. How did you come to terms with the feeling of being rejected by the very person who vowed to love you till death? That is where my interests lie, as well as gaining some insight as to whether I have to have an annulment to keep in the church or what.
 
BMorel said:
Thanks everyone, this is all real good advice (sans Ted Kennedy). I could never imagine my wife not being my wife, and the thing is, I’m not entirely sure that is the right answer. Let me explain. What if this entire time it’s me me living my plan for me and not God’s plan. What if this is God’s way of saying… “Brian, you’ve been at the wheel long enough, time to let me drive.” Is that even possible?
Click to expand...
Yes it is. God uses many ways to reach us. Not saying that is what is going on with your wife but he doesn’t make bad situations for us but he can turn them for the good of His Greater Glory. It is a test as to what you will do. If you love her then fight for her but you cannot change a person’s free will. But you can pray that person sees the Truth. Once a person sees the Truth they cannot hide. Just like a candle in a dark room. The light will always shine and the darkness will disappear. Same with the Truth. Once the Truth is in front of them then they cannot hide from it.
 
It has taken me years, and much counseling, to get to where I am today. And even this isn’t perfect, note my temper on some issues. The divorce was in 1987, but I kept in touch with him for several years due to the fact that he had liberal visitation rights with our daughter. Not that he ever tried to see her. It was just more excuse to continue her verbal onslaught. I still struggle with self-acceptance. Not just due to him, but also due to my parents.

I’ve been in counseling for years. But not just from the divorce. A year after I joined the church, I applied for an annulment. Not that I needed one. A divorced person can still go to confession and receive communion. It’s the getting remarried part that can cause problems. If you want, you can go ahead and apply for an annulment. For me it was just one more way of putting all that nastiness behind me. I’m well rid of him. Not to sound unchristian, for that would be really terrible. But this man, who claimed to be such a wonderful Christian, showed me that he was everything he claimed not to be. In other words, take his words and reverse them. Then you would see what kind of man he was. He didn’t keep promises, he lied, he cheated and he was abusive. A few times it even got physical.

Give yourself time and distance. It does get easier. Maybe not better, but easier.
 
Find a copy of “Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence” by Father Jean Baptiste Saint-Jure and Blessed Claude de la Colombière. A friend of mine recommended it to me and it has helped me immensely in not just dealing with the pain, suffering, betrayal and loneliness from my separation and divorce, but it has really deepened my faith and trust in Christ. It’s a small book, a quick read, but one you’ll go back to time and again.

I’ll be praying for you.
 
I came up with this to help, what does anyone think?

Lord, thank you for all you have blessed this family with over the years,
for we know that it is only through the love and the mercy you have bestowed upon us that we have made it this far.
Lord, we know that each and every day we have together is a gift that you have given us as a demonstration of your love.
Lord it is with this in mind that I ask you to continue to bless this family with your love and protect us from the evil trying to break our bond, this bond of marriage you bestowed upon us.
Lord, if you will it, strengthen the bond created in the sacrament of matrimony, in this, our most troubled time.
And Lord, if it is your will that this bond be broken, I ask that you soften our hearts, made hard by our sin, that we not forget that it is truly your will that is guiding us on our path to redemption.
Lord, as you will it, let it be done.
Amen
 
BMorel said:
I came up with this to help, what does anyone think?

Lord, thank you for all you have blessed this family with over the years,
for we know that it is only through the love and the mercy you have bestowed upon us that we have made it this far.
Lord, we know that each and every day we have together is a gift that you have given us as a demonstration of your love.
Lord it is with this in mind that I ask you to continue to bless this family with your love and protect us from the evil trying to break our bond, this bond of marriage you bestowed upon us.
Lord, if you will it, strengthen the bond created in the sacrament of matrimony, in this, our most troubled time.
And Lord, if it is your will that this bond be broken, I ask that you soften our hearts, made hard by our sin, that we not forget that it is truly your will that is guiding us on our path to redemption.
Lord, as you will it, let it be done.
Amen
Click to expand...
I love that prayer.

You are in my prayer also.

Blessings to you and your wife!
 
Chantal25 said:
I love that prayer.

You are in my prayer also.

Blessings to you and your wife!
Click to expand...
Thank you so much. I just sat down yesterday when I got home from work and that what what poured out. It did make me feel better, and my wife even agreed to pray it with me, though she assures me my “agenda” is different from hers…😦
 
Hello brian,

I am in a similar situation as you where my husband abandoned me. He was always unhappy beacuase as what he said I am not perfect ! I still love my husband and i have been hurt with all his rejection, criticism and recently his abandonment. He now wants a divorce and i have consulted this to the priest where Father told me to just go ahead with it and seek for an annulment because what he did which i cannot reveal here has causes for nullity of the sacrament.

I still love my husband. I am a true and faithful catholic. No one in my family has ever been divorce so you could just imagine the impact this is causing in my life right now.

I just live day to day. I almost lost my faith. Couldnt go to mass, couldnt say the rosary, crying, waking up in the middle of the night, anxiety attacks, desperation…just the feeling of abandonment and betrayal but little by little i have learned to let go. I have chosen not to contact my spouse and i guess in time, God will show me if I have to through the path of divorce. As a catholic, divorce is not an option, but with this thing going on, some times things are way out of your control. You cannot force people to fix the marriage. It takes two to tango. I’m just leaving everything to God but offcourse deep down in my heart i still pay to God for a marriage reconciliation

Just prepare yourself for the worst. Sometimes we have to live christ’s cross in this world. And always remember…IF GOD IS WITH US, WHO WILL BE AGAINST US !

Pray for me too. I need.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top