People continue to ask me when I'm going to start dating

[thequietsinger]

Nosy relative/friend: “So, when are you going to start dating?”

You: “When I’m ready.” (Which is true, since that could be never if you do enter religious life.) Then change the subject. “So, how was your vacation?”

That could work, also. I really love all of the ideas you guys have given me, and I am very, very thankful. :thumbsup:

 

[thequietsinger]

When I was around that age, others around the same age would ask me why I didn’t have a boyfriend. It was usually done with a compliment. “You’re so nice. Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” It also happened when I was in between my first and second boyfriend, which was about six years. I used to get a complex over it. It caused me to question myself, what was wrong with me, my looks, etc.

As I got older, the questions changed into why aren’t you married and why don’t you have children (even when they knew I wasn’t married). People are both inquisitive and rude.

The best answer I have come up with is a smile, a shrug and, “I don’t know.” To me, it is embarrassing and a feeling of wanting to remain private. I have shared so much of myself with people who asked personal questions, because one leads to another, or to suggestions that I would then need to explain why I would not want that.

I don’t know. Maybe, you can turn it around when someone asks. “I love talking to you and you will be one of the first to know if do start dating someone. Now, tell me how has life been treating you?” (Ask a specific question that focuses on them.) In a perfect world you could say, “That is too personal.” “None of your business.” Or the like. But most people are not only going to be offended by that, they will think you have something to hide.

I’m very sorry that that happened to you! It seems as though many people can’t seem to understand what the word “personal” means today, like they have nothing better to do or worry about than poke their nose where is really doesn’t belong. One of my great Aunt’s did that once. Then she fell off her porch and broke her nose.

 

[thequietsinger]

Ah, relatives and friends, the well-meaning busybodies. Make it a joke. You won’t get rid of them, but at least you’ll discourage them a little and have some fun.

Answer, “Ah, when the time is right, when the time is right. I suppose you are hoping you can marry me off and perhaps get rid of me! What, are you going to ask Mom for my bedroom when you have me married off? Maybe you just want a big wedding reception to go to? You young people are always so impatient!” And so on…:“Oh, no, I know what it is! You are afraid I will be a spinster, and have to come live with you! Your horse-faced cousin who waited too long and never got a man! That’s what you think, that I’m already losing my looks!” Joke that they can’t wait to get rid of you, that they think you’ll be an old maid, that kind of thing, that it is all about looking out for their own self-interest, and stick with that. If they insist, you can say, “Really, I am flattered that you think I would make some young man happy, but you are not helping that fellow by hurrying me! I have a stubborn nature, I will be ready when I am ready, you know that!” If they seriously are afraid that you’ll be an old maid, then you can say, “Do not worry, if I don’t marry then some convent will take me. The Lord will not care about my looks, only that I have a big heart. I won’t show up on your doorstep with my hand out!”

Yes, the way you put that is so true!

The spinster part would definitely take a few of those who have really been on my case about it by surprise!

 

[thequietsinger]

I don’t really have an answer, but I would say this: “Why do you wish for me to date so badly? You have no right, even though I am your friend (or daughter), to push me into dating someone. Maybe I would like to become a Nun and not get married. After all, the Lord may be calling me to the religious life. Should I deny Him or follow Him?”

I know you said you didn’t want to mention about yourself planning to be of the religious life, but even if they do yell or fight you, just tell the truth. Whatever the Lord is calling you to do, go do it! What God decides is greater than man’s. This is just my opinion, though. God bless!

Ah, I never thought about saying if I should follow or deny Him with His plan for me. That is an excellent point to make.

 

[thequietsinger]

If they do freak out when you say you aren’t afraid of the convent, turn that around on them, but still in a teasing way: “Oh, nice! I suppose you’re going to tell Fr. John that people with a lot going for them shouldn’t be priests or nuns! Very nice–so I guess he’s chopped liver? Or Sr. Mary Eucharista! She would be thrilled to know that she’s wasted her life! How awful you are! You had better go to confession!” IOW, do not take them seriously if they freak out about you even mentioning religious life. You can even act as if you enjoy pulling their chain by bringing it up.

You can’t make them quiet, but you can make them squirm. You may as well make it fun.

Knowing my Catholic relatives, I’m pretty sure they’d say “Whoa there, wait just a minute. I didn’t mean it like that!” But, that would probably be the major hint right there. Thank you so much, EasterJoy!

 

[phil19034]

Since mid December, I have had relatives and friends ask me when I’m finally going to start dating. I’m almost 17, and in my area many get married around the ages of 18-20, so it they expect me to date now, though my parents always told me to wait. I really want to say “I’m not dating a boy because I’m discerning the religious life,” but I know that wouldn’t go over well with any of them, and I’d like to avoid saying that because I also know they’d tell my Mom about what I said, and right now, I really want to avoid that. What else would be a good thing to say instead of “it’s just not for me.” I’ve continued to say that, and they continue to ask, and I could really use some help with this. Thank you so much, and God Bless!

simply tell them that you were rather focus on your “studies”

God Bless You

 

[Vicktoria]

I didn’t ever really “date” anyone, and never really “went out” with anyone, although there were a few, and far between, people I had interests in… got married when I was 30. Only person i was ever really “with”… separated, divorced, and now live as a Single person.

There is no shame in following God’s Will <3

Especially if it’s your will also =)

Tell them that.

Kyrie Eleison,

~V~

 

[Ragamuffingirl]

Well, tell your mom you want to go hang out at Barnes and Noble because you think you would be more likely to meet someone you would actually be interested in getting to know in a bookstore than in some other type of hangout. You don’t have to specify that you’re only interested in friendships My old CS Lewis Society met in a Barnes and Noble. They still do, but I moved to another state and our local BN is not as cool.

 

[bstorm]

Since mid December, I have had relatives and friends ask me when I’m finally going to start dating. I’m almost 17, and in my area many get married around the ages of 18-20, so it they expect me to date now, though my parents always told me to wait. I really want to say “I’m not dating a boy because I’m discerning the religious life,” but I know that wouldn’t go over well with any of them, and I’d like to avoid saying that because I also know they’d tell my Mom about what I said, and right now, I really want to avoid that. What else would be a good thing to say instead of “it’s just not for me.” I’ve continued to say that, and they continue to ask, and I could really use some help with this. Thank you so much, and God Bless!

“Maybe later” is a perfectly acceptable answer to “When are you going to start dating?” That does not really answer the question and does not commit you to anything.

 

[Cricket2]

You are under no obligation to answer this. You could simply state that you are not interested right now, and advise them to stop worrying about something you are not worried about.

You have plenty of time to consider this option in your life. I actually suggest to young people that it is a good idea to live on your own for a couple of years before dating, even going to college, and when discerning a religious vocation. You will learn a lot about yourself if you live on your own first.

You will discover strengths you don’t know you have, weaknesses you would rather not have, good sides to your personality and some bad. But you will learn and mature.

Good luck. It really is not their business, and it would be horrible to rush into a relationship just to meet their demands.

 

[EasterJoy]

Knowing my Catholic relatives, I’m pretty sure they’d say “Whoa there, wait just a minute. I didn’t mean it like that!” But, that would probably be the major hint right there. Thank you so much, EasterJoy!

Laugh and tease when you say it, and you can have fun with this. Making a busybody squirm and backpedal a little without showing you’ve taken any offense is one of life’s guilty pleasures that you can allow yourself to indulge in, just a little. I’m sure even your confessor would say so, because what is worse than a sour-faced saint? The best way to keep yourself off of the hook they want to catch you on is to keep them always on one themselves!

 

[AuditVocemMeam]

I would say, “with all due respect, it isn’t any of your business.” I would flash a nice smile and walk off.

I think there’s a more graceful way to handle this.

How about “I just don’t want to right now”? “I’m focused on other things”? Since it is presumably an innocent question, I would expect you want to resolve the situation amicably, without delivering some sort of putdown.

 

[Vicktoria]

I would expect you want to resolve the situation amicably, without delivering some sort of putdown.

Generally, I would agree with that idea, but she should also be prepared to fend of certain types of folk who can be overly persistent, and require a greater degree of “please leave me be”.

 

[Ragamuffingirl]

You could also say, “Dating is for courtship, courtship is for marriage, and I am not ready to get married.”

 

[maryjk]

I think there’s a more graceful way to handle this.

How about “I just don’t want to right now”? “I’m focused on other things”? Since it is presumably an innocent question, I would expect you want to resolve the situation amicably, without delivering some sort of putdown.

I have to agree with this.

If these questions are honest questions from people you know (and love,) I don’t see how you have to be obnoxious.

Now, if someone just won’t drop it, that is a different story.

Since you really haven’t answered the questions, I can see why people are still wondering.

Is there a reason that you haven’t told your parents that you are discerning a religious life? If they knew, they could help you, not only with discernment, but also with questions.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have to agree with this.

If these questions are honest questions from people you know (and love,) I don’t see how you have to be obnoxious.

Now, if someone just won’t drop it, that is a different story.

Since you really haven’t answered the questions, I can see why people are still wondering.

Is there a reason that you haven’t told your parents that you are discerning a religious life? If they knew, they could help you, not only with discernment, but also with questions.

When it comes to aunts, uncles, and cousins, not to mention parents and siblings, it pays to have many different strategies for dealing with idle questioning about topics that really are none of their business. It is well worth managing life-long relationships wisely from the start, drawing your boundaries as graciously as you can, but drawing them in no uncertain terms. You want them to learn that it is utterly pointless to try to get personal information out of you when you don’t want to give it and that any and all fun to be had on that front will come at their expense, not yours!

Decide which topics are open for discussion and which are not. It is probably better to guard your secrets with coyness and a sense of humor rather than open defiance, but it is well worth letting it out to the family at large that you know where your boundaries are, and that no amount of persistence or cunning will lead to success in crossing them. I think it is good to teach that there is something to be lost in even trying, but without being offensive yourself. Good-natured teasing is a consequence that relatives can learn to want to avoid without sowing any ill-will. Another good one is to simply pretend to be too thick to understand what they’re getting at. They get frustrated with the exercise of getting an intelligent report from someone who suddenly seems to have no more comprehension than a farm animal when it comes to certain topics, and learn to leave you alone.

 

[MomaMary8]

My daughter has discerned a single vocation and she has many strategies to avoid some uncomfortable queries. Devoting your life to God is a very personal decision, and it is not always easy to open your inner most feelings to people who casually/rudely/inconsiderately ask about your “dating life.” The biggest pickle was her Lit. teacher asking the class if they think they would get married, and why or why not! (Marriage was a bit topic of the book they were reading.) Luckily the teacher likes my daughter and quickly understood a note my daughter passed to her.

Some things my daughter says/does:

• plans special outings on days of High School dances
• schedules work for Saturday nights
• brings homework to family gatherings to bolster the claim “focusing on my future” right now
• avoids girl-boy parties except for special circumstances
• has a spiritual director to bounce off ideas when awkward situations arise

A recent dilemma she is worried about is being labeled “gay” if she’s not “interested” in boys. She’s decided to keep her self looking feminine and attractive without being over-board on the fashion scale. Just being a pretty teenagers

God Bless you! I’ll pray for your discernment.

 

[thequietsinger]

I have to agree with this.

If these questions are honest questions from people you know (and love,) I don’t see how you have to be obnoxious.

Now, if someone just won’t drop it, that is a different story.

Since you really haven’t answered the questions, I can see why people are still wondering.

Is there a reason that you haven’t told your parents that you are discerning a religious life? If they knew, they could help you, not only with discernment, but also with questions.

I think she meant for that to be directed more at the nosy, not so close to me people I know. Trust me, it isn’t just family and close friends of mine who keep asking. It’s gotten to the point now where my parents friends have begun asking that question.

I apologize for not answering any of the questions posted on here. I really didn’t notice there were any, to be perfectly honest. I’ll get right on to answering them after this post.

The reason why I haven’t mentioned anything about discerning religious life to my parents, or that I am converting to Catholicism, is because they have a very strong dislike to the Church, and everything they say about it is so bitter. Any time the Pope is mentioned, a Priest comes on Fox News to discuss certain topics, etc., they say every possible thing to belittle the Church. My Mom used to be Catholic and converted to the Greek Orthodox Church when my sister and I were baptized in that faith, which makes it even harder because she of all people should understand my feelings for Catholicism and about my discernment. I tried to tell her about converting/discerning months ago, but she told me I made the whole thing up, and that was that. End of story. I don’t mean to sound rude here at all, but does it make more sense now why I can’t tell them, when they think I’ve made the whole thing up? It’s not easy for me to keep it in the closet, so to speak, as I’ve been doing so for almost a year.

 

[thequietsinger]

18-20 in this day, age and country is extremely young to be married. In most instances in the developed world today, an 18 year old is not mature enough to handle a marriage. Even 20 is pushing the boundary for maturity. Most people at age 17 are worried about getting into college or what they are going to do on the weekend with friends. Marriage seems so far off. Most dating and relationships don’t even have a marital goal in mind in late high school.

Marriage at 18-20 is something that people did in this country when college wasn’t an option for most, factory jobs were standard, and women were supposed to be housewives.

I agree with you, but I know some people who allowed their daughters to marry at 17. Even if I wasn’t discerning a religious vocation I would still want to wait until at least 18 to start dating, because, no offense to teens out there, we can get carried away at times, and I wouldn’t want to be regretting something that could have been avoided.

 

[thequietsinger]

I didn’t ever really “date” anyone, and never really “went out” with anyone, although there were a few, and far between, people I had interests in… got married when I was 30. Only person i was ever really “with”… separated, divorced, and now live as a Single person.

There is no shame in following God’s Will <3

Especially if it’s your will also =)

Tell them that.

Kyrie Eleison,

~V~

Thank you for your advice! I am sorry about your divorce, but following God’s Will is most definitely the most important thing to follow.