I really don’t know anything about how the program is run in my diocese, but there’s a lot of online information I still need to go through. This would be a major step for me and just figuring out whether I’m being called, or just think I am, is harder than I thought it would be. I’ve been praying daily, but there hasn’t really been anything like a “sign”. (Where’s Gideon’s fleece when you need it?) How did you decide that it was your calling?
My story is very similar to (name removed by moderator)'s story of how he felt compelled to apply. Mine goes back over 10 years though when our pastor was new at our parish and he delivered a homily about what is God calling you to be in your life. I didn’t even really know what a deacon was back then other than the guy who helped Father on the alter. Our pastor must have used the word Deacon in his homily as for some reason I reached out to him to talk about it. He had me talk with one of the guys who was in formation for the diaconate back then, and he got me more involved in the parish (Eucharist to the nursing homes, lector,etc) and taught me how to pray the Liturgy of the hours. I stuck with that for a number of years and was okay with that and really never thought of the diaconate for a number of years. Then in 2014, I was at a men’s retreat and on of the guys there and I were talking and he said “have you ever considered becoming a deacon, because I think you would be an excellent candidate”. I brushed this off. Then later that same day, someone else basically said the same thing and I asked him if he had been talking with the other guy and he denied it. They it happened one more time. Anyhow, about a week or so after the retreat, my wife and I are driving down the road and out of the blue she asks me if I had ever thought any more about that “Deacon thingy” (her words, honestly) that I had looked into about 10 years prior. At that point I looked at her and asked her if the guys from the retreat had called her and she didn’t know what I was talking about. That night, when I was doing my vespers I told God that I heard Him and that He has my attention, but I don’t know what he wanted me to do. I was scared and I felt I just didn’t have the time in my life for this at this point. I prayed over it some more, and I remember waking up in the middle of the night a little frightened… why would He want someone like me? Surly there are much better people out there than me that He could use. I continued to pray over it some more, and then one day I was doing my normal routine but still confused about the diaconate and what to do. So I said to God that I would open my bible and hope to find some words that would inspire me on what I should do. I opened the book at random to Acts 9 - Saul’s Conversion!! Here I was saying that God could find better people that me, but here was Saul, a really bad dude, and God picked him to be one of his messengers. Surly, if God could pick someone like Saul and make him into Paul, then He can do wonders with anyone.
Anyhow, I discussed it with my wife, we made the appointment with the diaconate, and started the application process (that was last year about this time).
Last Thursday, we just had our last interview for admissions into aspirancy, and hopefully in a few weeks, we will find out if the Church believes I am being called. Personally, it would be a lot easier for me to just walk away from all this, but if God is calling me, how would I answer Him one day when we meet and He asks me why did I run away when He called me to serve Him (if He is really calling me for this)?
One of the things that I did last year was get a spiritual director to help me with much of the discernment on my side. The aspirancy year will also do that, but it was suggested by the diaconate director that I get one before I go into aspirancy. My spiritual director has been really helpful and has helped me peal the onion so to speak.
Anyhow, my prayers are with you and invite the Holy Spirit into your life and explore what may be calling you. I don’t think I have seen why you feel you have this calling. There is no wrong or write answer, but it would be interesting to hear.
God bless,
John
