Permanently separated

[JACQUE_D]

I have posted a long time ago, and asked for advice. My husband is very abusive and a heavy drinker. I ended up kicking him out of the house. He has been gone for almost a year. Our five teenage children do not want him back and life is so calm and peaceful. I confessed this to the priest, in case it was a sin to kick him out. It was becoming dangerous. He lives around the corner and still drinks to extremes and drives under the influence. My children and I go to church every Sunday and are totally practicing Catholics. He sometimes shows up at Mass, wreaking of cigarettes and alcohol and looking half drunk. We will not be changing parishes to avoid him because we were married there and our children’s baptisms and first holy communions were there. I work two jobs, six days a week.
Am I a bad person for not putting up with my husband? I have chosen my children’s safety and my sanity over my marriage. He will not change his ways and I have fallen out of love with him. I am not interested in another relationship as I understand that I am married to him.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

I have posted a long time ago, and asked for advice. My husband is very abusive and a heavy drinker. I ended up kicking him out of the house. He has been gone for almost a year. Our five teenage children do not want him back and life is so calm and peaceful. I confessed this to the priest, in case it was a sin to kick him out. It was becoming dangerous. He lives around the corner and still drinks to extremes and drives under the influence. My children and I go to church every Sunday and are totally practicing Catholics. He sometimes shows up at Mass, wreaking of cigarettes and alcohol and looking half drunk. We will not be changing parishes to avoid him because we were married there and our children’s baptisms and first holy communions were there. I work two jobs, six days a week.
Am I a bad person for not putting up with my husband? I have chosen my children’s safety and my sanity over my marriage. He will not change his ways and I have fallen out of love with him. I am not interested in another relationship as I understand that I am married to him.

   No contest...... 
The man is not deserving of a family home if he is a violent home wrecker....

There is no excuse at all…

 

[GEddie]

I have posted a long time ago, and asked for advice. My husband is very abusive and a heavy drinker. I ended up kicking him out of the house. He has been gone for almost a year. Our five teenage children do not want him back and life is so calm and peaceful. I confessed this to the priest, in case it was a sin to kick him out. It was becoming dangerous. He lives around the corner and still drinks to extremes and drives under the influence. My children and I go to church every Sunday and are totally practicing Catholics. He sometimes shows up at Mass, wreaking of cigarettes and alcohol and looking half drunk. We will not be changing parishes to avoid him because we were married there and our children’s baptisms and first holy communions were there. I work two jobs, six days a week.
Am I a bad person for not putting up with my husband? I have chosen my children’s safety and my sanity over my marriage. He will not change his ways and I have fallen out of love with him. I am not interested in another relationship as I understand that I am married to him.

You are in no way required to put up with an abusive situation.

You should, however, pray for his repentance, as while someone is physically alive, the Holy Spirit can always make that happen.

ICXC NIKA

 

[Memaw]

You are in no way required to put up with an abusive situation.

You should, however, pray for his repentance, as while someone is physically alive, the Holy Spirit can always make that happen.

ICXC NIKA

My Mom divorced my Dad when I was a young girl, with the approval of the Church because of a similar situation. She raised us ,(a large family) by herself. Neither ever remarried. My Mom prayed for my Dad all her llife and taught us kids to do the same. She died in her mid 50’s. Some 20 years later I met my Dad again and he had quit drinking altogether about 10 years after the divorce. He was a very different person. We had several years to get reaquainted and I loved every minute of it. He regreted ever drinking and loseing his family. He got to know all his children and grandchildren. He came back into the Church and had a priest by his side when he died. He seemed more like a friend than a father but I am sooo thankful to have met him again and I know it was my Mom’s prayers that helped him get his life straight with the Lord. I’m sure they are together again, praying for all of us. Never stop praying and never underestimate the power of Prayer!!. God Bless. Memaw

 

[mountee]

You have my admiration and respect for doing what had to be done. Frankly, I have no clue how you are managing all you do and I will pray for God to give you the strength to keep up with two jobs and all those kids. I will also pray for your husband to be healed from his alcoholism and anger issues.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.

 

[Marysann]

You are not a bad person! You are protecting your children and yourself from the effects of living with an abusive alcoholic. You are setting a proper example by not putting up with this. It does not appear that there is any chance to salvage this marriage. If your husband is a physical threat to you or the children since he lives so close, you may have to obtain a restraining order. Have you considered civil divorce? It may be necessary to take this step if there is any chance that your husband might ruin you financially. If you are still married in the eyes of the state, you may be responsible for his debts. If you have to work two jobs, its doesn’t sound as if your husband is contributing to the support of the children. You need to watch your finances so that you can help with your children’s education and save for your own retirement. The Church tolerates divorce under these circumstances. You are living a proper Catholic life, by living as a married woman. If you need to divorce to protect your finances, you could continue to live as a married woman, unless you obtained a decree of nullity, and still be in good standing with the Church. Of course, you and the children will continue to pray for him.

 

[MJJean]

You are not a bad person! You are protecting your children and yourself from the effects of living with an abusive alcoholic. You are setting a proper example by not putting up with this. It does not appear that there is any chance to salvage this marriage. If your husband is a physical threat to you or the children since he lives so close, you may have to obtain a restraining order. ***Have you considered civil divorce? It may be necessary to take this step if there is any chance that your husband might ruin you financially. If you are still married in the eyes of the state, you may be responsible for his debts. *** If you have to work two jobs, its doesn’t sound as if your husband is contributing to the support of the children. You need to watch your finances so that you can help with your children’s education and save for your own retirement. The Church tolerates divorce under these circumstances. You are living a proper Catholic life, by living as a married woman. If you need to divorce to protect your finances, you could continue to live as a married woman, unless you obtained a decree of nullity, and still be in good standing with the Church. Of course, you and the children will continue to pray for him.

The bolded is very much a concern. Depending on state law, a legal separation or divorce might be the only thing to protect your and your children’s financial future. If your husband is in a drunk driving accident and you’re still legally married under your states laws you could lose everything as assets like home, cars, bank accounts, retirement, etc would be joint marital property. In some states a legal separation protects you, in others only a divorce does. Have you spoken to a lawyer about this? If not, you need to.

No, you aren’t a bad person. You are a person in a bad situation who has made the right moral choice to protect herself and her children. The Church is clear that divorce is acceptable when it comes to protecting ones self and ones children from abuse.

Of course, should you choose to divorce or have to divorce to protect yourself and children financially you should live chastely and receive an annulment before dating or remarrying.

 

[agnes_therese]

You did what was necessary to protect yourself and your children. I firmly believe that God gave us common sense because He expects us to use it.

 

[ClearWater]

I have posted a long time ago, and asked for advice. My husband is very abusive and a heavy drinker. I ended up kicking him out of the house. He has been gone for almost a year. Our five teenage children do not want him back and life is so calm and peaceful. I confessed this to the priest, in case it was a sin to kick him out. It was becoming dangerous. He lives around the corner and still drinks to extremes and drives under the influence. My children and I go to church every Sunday and are totally practicing Catholics. He sometimes shows up at Mass, wreaking of cigarettes and alcohol and looking half drunk. We will not be changing parishes to avoid him because we were married there and our children’s baptisms and first holy communions were there. I work two jobs, six days a week.
Am I a bad person for not putting up with my husband? I have chosen my children’s safety and my sanity over my marriage. He will not change his ways and I have fallen out of love with him. I am not interested in another relationship as I understand that I am married to him.

You did the right thing. One really can’t have a relationship with an alcoholic. In fact, even professional counselors will often tell you this. Many will refuse to accept a couple to marriage counseling until the alcoholic in the couple admits he has a problem, and at the very least is in treatment for it. Otherwise, the counselor say counseling would be a waste of everybody’s time.

I know would consider it cruel to throw an alcoholic out, but if you don’t, you’d all go downhill. You did what you had to do. You are NOT a bad person.

If you were to talk to Alanon, or Copendents’ Anonymous, I think they’d also tell you as much.

 

[Pax2u]

You have my admiration and respect for doing what had to be done. Frankly, I have no clue how you are managing all you do and I will pray for God to give you the strength to keep up with two jobs and all those kids. I will also pray for your husband to be healed from his alcoholism and anger issues.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.

I agree with everything in the post above. God bless you.

 

[JACQUE_D]

The bolded is very much a concern. Depending on state law, a legal separation or divorce might be the only thing to protect your and your children’s financial future. If your husband is in a drunk driving accident and you’re still legally married under your states laws you could lose everything as assets like home, cars, bank accounts, retirement, etc would be joint marital property. In some states a legal separation protects you, in others only a divorce does. Have you spoken to a lawyer about this? If not, you need to.

No, you aren’t a bad person. You are a person in a bad situation who has made the right moral choice to protect herself and her children. The Church is clear that divorce is acceptable when it comes to protecting ones self and ones children from abuse.

Of course, should you choose to divorce or have to divorce to protect yourself and children financially you should live chastely and receive an annulment before dating or remarrying.

Thankyou for all your kind and positive comments. I live in New Zealand, so I will need to check our laws. I am afraid to stir up any legal trouble for him, I am just keeping my head down and out of the way. When the children start leaving home, I will relocate.in no less than 5yrs

 

[CarolNoel]

God bless you for being strong enough to protect your children. You did the right thing.

 

[SerraSemper]

The bolded is very much a concern. Depending on state law, a legal separation or divorce might be the only thing to protect your and your children’s financial future. If your husband is in a drunk driving accident and you’re still legally married under your states laws you could lose everything as assets like home, cars, bank accounts, retirement, etc would be joint marital property. In some states a legal separation protects you, in others only a divorce does. Have you spoken to a lawyer about this? If not, you need to.

No, you aren’t a bad person. You are a person in a bad situation who has made the right moral choice to protect herself and her children. The Church is clear that divorce is acceptable when it comes to protecting ones self and ones children from abuse.

Of course, should you choose to divorce or have to divorce to protect yourself and children financially you should live chastely and receive an annulment before dating or remarrying.

Very good point. You can have a civil divorce to protect your rights and that of your children, but still remain married but separated in the eyes of the Church. I don’t know how it works in New Zealand, but in other countries, people can stand to lose everything because of a spouse’s misbehaviors. Just make sure you protect yourself and your children and know that the Church stands with you in doing so.

 

[MJJean]

Thankyou for all your kind and positive comments. I live in New Zealand, so I will need to check our laws. I am afraid to stir up any legal trouble for him, I am just keeping my head down and out of the way. When the children start leaving home, I will relocate.in no less than 5yrs

When you speak to a lawyer also ask about access to property and the children. Here in my state if a couple is still legally married both spouses have equal access to the marital home unless stated otherwise by a court order. Also, both spouses have equal access to the children unless stated otherwise by a court order. This could be a concern if your husband decides to move back in with you or if he has a few afternoon drinks and decides to pick the kids up from school in the car.