Perpetual adolescence

[NoAvailableName]

I want to understand how to help my children not be perpetual adolescents, young at heart, yes, immature for their whole lives, no.

Well if you are able to successfully convince them that the purpose of life is to serve God (which is of permanent benefit), rather than to perpetually satisfy your own desires (which, at best, is only of fleeting benefit and often causes heartache in the long run), and if you can teach them the basics of how to handle money, than you probably won’t have to worry much. And for yourself, you’ll need to realize that even if they aren’t living their lives the way you would, that doesn’t necessarily mean the way they are living is wrong.

 

[EasterJoy]

…I just want to understand. Also, as a parent, I want to understand how to help my children not be perpetual adolescents, young at heart, yes, immature for their whole lives, no.

Understand that adults who party more than you wanted to at their age are not your concern. As long as they aren’t disturbing the peace of your neighborhood or endangering their children (or other people on the road, that kind of thing), giving guidance about their use of alcohol is not something that is in your jurisdiction. Be thankful for that.

This is the best I can do to explain it, as far as your single neighbor is concerned: Being 30 and having the money to own a home and support a family is only half the battle. You can no longer just marry someone and figure on a lifelong marriage. It does not work that way any more because, as you well know, marriage takes more than one committed person. The chances are high that this guy has friends his own age who are married, divorced, and already paying alimony and maybe even arranging visitations with their own kids. Give him credit for living in a different time. Let him decide when he’s ready to marry. Be very sure, at any rate, that ridicule is not going to make him more “mature.”

As for the TV, that is his business, too. There is not a single reason in the world he cannot be living a fully moral financial life and still own a bigger TV than you happen to want. Let that go, too, lest you fall into rash judgement or even violate the 10th commandment. You can’t worry so much about his soul that you put your own in danger.

If he mistreats his father in your presence, you can tell him to cut it out. I’d be discrete, for his sake and for his dad’s, but let him know it is offensive to third parties to treat someone that way, particularly a parent. Admonish him, though, with respect, as an adult, and with the recognition that he probably does not do it with realization of the effect. What he does with that is his business, though, too. Admonish a brother, but once you realize that you’re throwing pearls before swine, let it go.

As for our own kids…I think the only thing we can do is live a life they’ll want to emulate and teach them the joy of a job well done, the appropriate use of alcohol and the way to have a great time without alcohol abuse, and the hazards of foolishness. If we want them to treat us with respect, treat them with respect. I’ve found that if I thank my kids for doing work that is only their job, they thank me for the work that is only my job. I love that. There are a lot of thank you’s, I’m lucky to have you’s, and I’m sorry can we start overs at our house. I think that is how they learn. We try to talk about everyone as if the person being discussed were standing there. When we fail, we try to correct ourselves.

You know the old poem: Children Learn What They Live

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

So I think you ask yourself: Am I living what I want them to be? Am I giving them opportunities to do the same, even though teaching them to do the work may be more work than doing it myself? Am I following St. Paul’s advice to fathers: “Do not nag your children, lest they lose heart”? After that, it is between them and God. As Mother Theresa put it: “God did not call me to be successful. God called me to be faithful.”

 

[gmarie21]

You know the old poem: Children Learn What They Live

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

So I think you ask yourself: Am I living what I want them to be? Am I giving them opportunities to do the same, even though teaching them to do the work may be more work than doing it myself? Am I following St. Paul’s advice to fathers: “Do not nag your children, lest they lose heart”? After that, it is between them and God. As Mother Theresa put it: “God did not call me to be successful. God called me to be faithful.”

This is a great poem and the first I’ve heard of or read of it. Thank you so much. Sometimes I just need laymen’s terms for things to remind myself about. This will get much use by me, so thank you for sharing.

As far as the neighbor, again, my whole approach in reality is “whatever” but I think he was the peak of a month of head scratching about the lives of people I’ve encountered. He really isn’t the intended target (though I know it seems that way, me putting my foot in my mouth again here on CAF ).

 

[EasterJoy]

This is a great poem and the first I’ve heard of or read of it. Thank you so much. Sometimes I just need laymen’s terms for things to remind myself about. This will get much use by me, so thank you for sharing.

As far as the neighbor, again, my whole approach in reality is “whatever” but I think he was the peak of a month of head scratching about the lives of people I’ve encountered. He really isn’t the intended target (though I know it seems that way, me putting my foot in my mouth again here on CAF ).

I’m glad you like the poem. It is rather famous, so if you put the title into a search engine, you’ll be able to find plaques and posters of it all over the place. It is right up there with the footprints in the sand piece. Once you’ve seen it the first time, you’ll be tripping over it everywhere you look.

The thing is with “head-scratching” behavior is that it also happens to people who’ve spent their whole life delaying gratification and doing “the right thing”, too. When it happens to them, it is called a “midlife crisis.” You’re not the only one wondering what causes that. Heck, the people going through it sometimes wonder what is going on!

As long as it is not you or someone close to you, count your blessings and hope for the sake of the “victim” that whatever part of it lacks virtue passes quickly, and that what is within virtue is thoroughly enjoyed, no matter what anyone else thinks. I think that is about all you can do.

If it does happen to us, may we remain in virtue, too…and in that not get too much perverse enjoyment out of the head-scratching we cause!

 

[gmarie21]

If it does happen to us, may we remain in virtue, too…and in that not get too much perverse enjoyment out of the head-scratching we cause!

But I secretly kind of enjoy the head-scratching I cause in my family. Granted, it’s not my sole motivator, but it’s like the dinner one makes that’s somehow tastier this time than any of the other times one made it.

 

[EasterJoy]

But I secretly kind of enjoy the head-scratching I cause in my family. Granted, it’s not my sole motivator, but it’s like the dinner one makes that’s somehow tastier this time than any of the other times one made it.

I hear you talking!
(Maybe we all have that little independent streak…)

 

[Willy_Jose]

Marriage is a vocation. Readiness to answer the call is not dictated by age rather than by the readiness to respond to such a call, regardless of age. It would indeed be a graver problem if people get married whenever they are not ready to echo Jesus’ love in the context of conjugal love in the domestic church - the family centered on Christ. It must also be considered that single-blessedness is also a vocation by itself. I guess what we must pray for is that our brothers and sisters travel through the pilgrimage of faith by keeping faithfully attached as branches to the Vine, while staying true to their calling.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

I sense a kid who never had to do chores and was spoilt at home.

I think you’re on to something.

Don’t hand your kids everything on a platter.

Even at an early age, you can teach kids to be responsible. Let them help you in the kitchen, setting the table, weeding the yard. Let them keep their rooms clean, etc.

Be consistent! Rewarding them one day for a certain behavior, then punishing them another day for the SAME behavior, makes them mental.

 

[snowlake]

. I get that not everyone who is single is self-centered nor that everyone that is married is self-less./QUOTE]

You said that he is dating someone. I think that’s pretty admirable. At least he isn’t shacked-up w/ someone. To be honest w/ you, most of the young married people in my parish have lots of “toys”, including large screen tvs . They play w/ their children during Mass (matchbox cars on the pews, etc.), and dress like adolescents. They bunch together and run the parish. All parish activities center around marriage and family and
everyone else is left out.
With the divorce rate what it is, maybe it’s a good thing that he is waiting for the right person. In the meantime is he supposed to live in the shed?
Actually, 3 bedrooms is not a whole lot these days. He might use one for a study and another for a guest room.
I’m more shocked at the young families that spend mega $ on out of town “soccer tournaments” and basic “keeping up w/ the Joneses”. It’s one thing for a single person to
legitimately buy a house, etc. w/ his own earned money, and another for parents to set a bad example for their children by their own extended adolescence.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

You were doomed after your first sentence.

I just did that yesterday—my neighbor painted his house. I suppose that dooms me in your eyes too.

 

[starlight101]

First thought: that’s a little harsh on adolescents! Not all of us are like that you know- some of us are responsible I think it depends upon the way you are brought up. If everything is done for you then you learn to expect that and become spoilt. Hopefully once this guy gets a little older, perhaps settles down and has a family then he will grow up.

 

[NoAvailableName]

I just did that yesterday—my neighbor painted his house. I suppose that dooms me in your eyes too.

You read my words the same way atheists like to read Jesus’ words.

 

[snowlake]

Oh, [or singles who have parties like they are still in college. I just want to understand. Also, as a parent, I want to understand how to help my children not be perpetual adolescents, young at heart, yes, immature for their whole lives, no.

Is this young neighbor a Catholic? If so, does he go to your parish? If not, then it truly is
none of your business. Actually , I think that statement still stands even if he is.
If he was openly living with someone or publicly denying the truths of the faith, then you might have some grounds to comment on the situation (and that only if he’s a Catholic).
The rest are just sins and faults (if that, since some of it is hearsay) , and we all have those. And he may have repented and confessed them anyway (disrespect to his father, etc.). As long as he is not prohibiting you from exercising your faith or disturbing you/causing scandal at church, or disrupting the Mass, there’s not much to say.

But I appreciate the fact that you’re saying that you mentioned the situation just because
it is what got you to thinking about the phenomenon of perpetual adolsescence. But I have to say that, in my experience, it pretty much cuts right across the board as far as marital status goes.
[/quote]

 

[Norseman82]

Or it is simply that new he is earning the ca$h to enjoy those things he never could before. In other words, it may be an early onset of “mid-life crisis”…

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

You read my words the same way atheists like to read Jesus’ words.

I inferred nothing. When someone is outside the home doing something, people will LOOK at you. They look at me.

If a neighbor had dumpsters and trash piled up would you wonder what was going on?

 

[NoAvailableName]

I inferred nothing. When someone is outside the home doing something, people will LOOK at you. They look at me.

If a neighbor had dumpsters and trash piled up would you wonder what was going on?

Sailor, the original poster, to her credit, has already appropriately backed off her original overly harsh judgments of her neighbor.

I didn’t say you inferred anything; rather, the problem was you took my words too literally. I wasn’t giving a blanket condemnation of looking at a neighbor through a window any more than Jesus literally meant that he is a vine in John 15:5

It seems like in many of the conversations I get into with Catholics, they aren’t willing to accept the obvious and instead want me to tediously spell out everything.

 

[Flimmy]

First of all, we could point to a lot of problems to society, but in the end, it must come down the individual. With that in mind, the rest of what I am about to say may simply be hogwash.

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A SIDE NOTE: I have listened to several talks Steve Wood gave before Father’s Day on his radio show, and in one, he mentioned that it is generally recognized that children without fathers tend to have more psychological problems/dilemmas. Also, that Fathers in the family represent God, in one way or another, to their children. So a lack of fatherhood may contribute to “perpetual adolescence.”

But to THE MEAT: “perpetual adolescence,” for guys (not sure about women), could simply have to do with a lack of guidance. There is a sort of “path to personal maturity” - or “path to manhood” if you prefer - and many people may possibly be completely unaware of it’s existence.

To get rather personal, MY STORY: I discovered my personal immaturity through a guy by the name of David DeAngelo. I had dated a girl for a year and a half, and I had little clue as to how to relationally attract women. After breaking up with her, I subscribed to his emails, admittedly bought one of his programs (the Deep Inner Game), and was on my way to “personal fulfillment.” Heck yeah - not really. Turns out that the program was too anti-septic and psychological for me, so I returned it.

BUT THE GIST IS, it led me to ways of thinking that I would have never considered. But really, I wish his material was religious, because his psychology only did so much for me by the end of 9 months of getting his emails, and my end goal with women isn’t sex , combined with the fact that I was, at the time, more interested in the psychology behind his material.

Eh, I don’t know where I was going this this. I guess a lot of people might not know that they themselves cause a lot of their own problems. A lot of people tend to think that everyone else has problems and internally criticizes them - or are stuck in varying degrees of self-victimization.

tl:dr

Comes down to personal choice, and then 5 paragraphs of stuff and things.