Perplexed by conversation with Co-worker. Opinions?

[MarkInOregon]

it’s bullying to make her feel like

1. she’s on the way out
2. she OUGHT to be on the way out.

Bullying has with it the intention to cause discomfort and anxiety.
Clearly the OP is anxious about this, and hurt, frankly.

That is not a definition of bullying that I am familiar with. I also don’t see anything in the conversation that should make Marie feel she’s on the way out or that she ought to be on the way out. This doesn’t seem like aggressive behavior and bullying requires aggressive behavior (though not all aggressive behavior is bullying). Bullying usually involves actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, excluding someone from a group on purpose or attacking someone physically or verbally. I don’t see Marie being attacked verbally in this exchange. Just because someone gets anxious and hurt by questions asked of them–doesn’t mean the person asking the questions was bullying. I just don’t see how this conversation fits any definition of bullying that I am familiar with. Heck I see a lot more exchanges on these forums that might come closer to bullying than the conversation presented in the OP.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[EasterJoy]

it’s bullying to make her feel like

1. she’s on the way out
2. she OUGHT to be on the way out.

Bullying has with it the intention to cause discomfort and anxiety.
Clearly the OP is anxious about this, and hurt, frankly.

What evidence do you have that the questioner intended discomfort and anxiety?

No, the clumsy woman interrogating her did not say, “So, you’re not working here next year, right?” She said, "So Marie, are you planning on working here next year?” She seemed to imagine the OP needed no intimidation, and seemed surprised that the OP had any intention of coming back (because she didn’t know a reason she would).

She also clearly said, ““I just meant that this isn’t the ONLY place a person can work.” If she implied that the OP “ought” to be on the way out, it was only by pointing out she was the sort of employee who would have other choices because other employers would so obviously want to hire her. How is that bullying?

The woman who upset her could have been just as easily upset that she herself did not have as many options as she imagines the OP has. She seems a bit self-absorbed and insensitive about the feelings of others, but that doesn’t make her a bully. That merely makes her socially immature.

It is possible, yes, that the questioner had a friend she hoped to be able to tell about a job opening working with her. Again: self-absorbed, not intentionally hurtful towards the “collateral damage.”

 

[EasterJoy]

So I obviously didn’t hear tone or anything, but this doesn’t strike me as anything malevolent or manipulative. I’d start a conversation like that with a co-worker if I was unhappy with my current job and thinking about leaving. Maybe expecting the conversation to go something like this:

Susie: So Marie, are you going to come back next year?

Marie: Yes, I think so. How about you?

Susie: I’m not so sure. I’m not crazy about the administration. And I heard the school district in Bopperville is paying more.

Marie: Oh yeah, so-and-so is driving me crazy too.

Susie: I know! Right?

At least, that’s my take. Maybe she just wants to commiserate. Or she’s looking for reasons to stay. Either way, it’s probably more about her than you. Why not try asking her what her plans are next year, see where it goes.

Marie: So Susie, I was thinking about your question yesterday. Are you happy here? Are you planning on coming back next year?

This. The conversation read like someone who not only wanted to complain about her employer, but who perhaps has had someone else inconveniently decline to join in a pity party.

I say that because she seemed both surprised and unusually frustrated to hear that the OP liked the same job she has. She seems to have imagined an entirely different conversation than the one she got, but almost as if someone else had said the same thing to her, but she’d refused to believe it the first time around. It’s as if the OP had “taken sides” against her.

 

[Allegra]

I do think it was a strange line of questioning, but my instinct is that the coworker is unhappy with the job and wanted someone to complain to. Other possibilities is that she was genuinely curious as to if the OP is coming back, for whatever reason. Maybe she was wondering if the position would be open or not?

 

[EasterJoy]

I do think it was a strange line of questioning, but my instinct is that the coworker is unhappy with the job and wanted someone to complain to. Other possibilities is that she was genuinely curious as to if the OP is coming back, for whatever reason. Maybe she was wondering if the position would be open or not?

I agree with you, too. The OP was absolutely normal in feeling this was an unsettling conversation and wondering if she was the only one who would think it was a bizarre line of questioning. Many of us would have to repeat this conversation to a third party to a) believe we’d heard it and b) to reassure ourselves that the questioner wasn’t alerting us to an upsetting situation we’d never suspected.

As it turns out, co-workers who ask bizarre questions or who even upset people by implying things never meant to have been implied aren’t that unusual. Even those of us who know this still have to go “debrief” when we have one of these strange encounters, though.

 

[mommy_k]

I wonder if this person Susie is generally a grump with everyone…

 

[pianistclare]

That is not a definition of bullying that I am familiar with. I also don’t see anything in the conversation that should make Marie feel she’s on the way out or that she ought to be on the way out. This doesn’t seem like aggressive behavior and bullying requires aggressive behavior (though not all aggressive behavior is bullying). Bullying usually involves actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, excluding someone from a group on purpose or attacking someone physically or verbally. I don’t see Marie being attacked verbally in this exchange. Just because someone gets anxious and hurt by questions asked of them–doesn’t mean the person asking the questions was bullying. I just don’t see how this conversation fits any definition of bullying that I am familiar with. Heck I see a lot more exchanges on these forums that might come closer to bullying than the conversation presented in the OP.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

Well, I have worked with many people like the OP described. And I can tell you , it’s not fun, and it’s definitely inappropriate. If it was so harmless, why did she come here posting?
Never mind. Obviously people don’t think it’s any big deal to be incredibly rude and in your face anymore.
I agree, here too. I’m out.

 

[Allegra]

Another perspective to consider is that support staff positions are often filled be people who aren’t so dependent on the income, because it isn’t a year-round gig. Maybe the coworker was awkwardly pointing out, since the OP said she needed to work, that other jobs are year-round. Maybe the coworker is planning to leave for that reason.

 

[EasterJoy]

Well, I have worked with many people like the OP described. And I can tell you , it’s not fun, and it’s definitely inappropriate. If it was so harmless, why did she come here posting?
Never mind. Obviously people don’t think it’s any big deal to be incredibly rude and in your face anymore.
I agree, here too. I’m out.

Do not get me wrong. That’s not appropriate behavior, and it isn’t going to win any points. It is not harmless. It is rude. and it is immature. It is not unusual, however, for someone to be rude and upsetting with no intention of being either one. They’re just that wrapped up in themselves that thinking of what they’re saying from someone else’s point of view doesn’t even occur to them.

It is unfortunate to have to say it, but the thing that does not make this seem like bullying is that it is so unlikely that a bully would be that artless. Bullies look for their victim’s weak spot, and go for it. This person didn’t seem to have that kind of awareness of the victim’s point of view. The upsetting comments don’t seem to be something said from a position of power, as a bully would, or with any cunning. Instead, it seems something said by someone who doesn’t have the first idea how to manipulate anybody.

 

[mommy_k]

Do not get me wrong. That’s not appropriate behavior, and it isn’t going to win any points. It is not harmless. It is rude. and it is immature. It is not unusual, however, for someone to be rude and upsetting with no intention of being either one. They’re just that wrapped up in themselves that thinking of what they’re saying from someone else’s point of view doesn’t even occur to them.

It is unfortunate to have to say it, but the thing that does not make this seem like bullying is that it is so unlikely that a bully would be that artless. Bullies look for their victim’s weak spot, and go for it. This person didn’t seem to have that kind of awareness of the victim’s point of view. The upsetting comments don’t seem to be something said from a position of power, as a bully would, or with any cunning. Instead, it seems something said by someone who doesn’t have the first idea how to manipulate anybody./QUOTE

I would think most people would have asked the same question back to Susie right then and there…"so what about you, are you coming back? " Except for the most gentle or quiet people. And that in itself sometimes makes one a target, as it may be perceived as a weak spot…it’s not but –

Sometimes people are just mean towards someone else because they can be. How sad, but true.

 

[MarkInOregon]

Well, I have worked with many people like the OP described. And I can tell you , it’s not fun, and it’s definitely inappropriate. If it was so harmless, why did she come here posting?
Never mind. Obviously people don’t think it’s any big deal to be incredibly rude and in your face anymore.
I agree, here too. I’m out.

I don’t think anyone said it isn’t a big deal to be rude and in your face. I asked how it was bullying–you told me why you thought it was bullying–I said that wasn’t a definition of bullying I was familiar with and told you what I thought you needed for something to be bullying. Words have definitions. Rude does not equal bullying. If someone upsets me that doesn’t mean I was bullied. I usually enjoy your posts, but I am baffled by this response to my post (of course I am often baffled by the way people respond to things so its probably a me problem).

What are people like the OP described? From the OP all I can tell is it was kind of an odd conversation–I’m not sure that it is safe for me to draw any conclusions about the person called Susie from this snippet of information. It’s a conversation from one persons perspective and we can’t hear the actual tone of the conversation. The OP states that this Susie hadn’t been too friendly previously–I’m sure this is often said about me until people get to know me, as I am very quiet and can be hard to get to know. I am also terrible at small talk and to me this reads like small talk done very badly. I also find that people, in general, just want to try and read all kinds of things into anything that is said and seem overly eager to take offense at anything these days.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[NM505StKate]

I’m an employee of a public school cafeteria. As such, we get all holidays and the entire summer off. I’ve been at this particular school for 6 months now, and I like it there. The faculty and the students are wonderful! We get some great perks and benefits. I love the hours. And I love all the time off, that we get. I’m happy there and I’m reliable. I show up for work every day. I’m a team player… and I enjoy what I’m doing.

But this afternoon… while setting up, to serve lunch to our students… I had a strange, baffling conversation with a co-worker (which SHE initiated). And I’m curious to know how other people would have reacted to such a conversation. I’m concerned how to react… from a spiritual standpoint, too.

I will call myself “Marie” and I will call the co-worker “Susie”. This is the conversation, verbatim:

Susie: “So Marie, are you planning on working here next year?” (meaning, after summer break).

Marie: “Of course!” (said with a smile, but a bit perplexed).

Susie: “Why?”

Marie: “WHY?!" (surprised, but still a trace of a smile) "Well, because I need to work.”

Susie: “Well, you can get ANOTHER job!”

Marie: (smile now fades… totally perplexed, baffled and feeling a bit rejected) “Another job? Why would I do that? I like it here.”

Susie: “I just meant that this isn’t the ONLY place a person can work”.

Ok… so, by this time… the students are starting to come in for lunch and the conversation abruptly ends. For 2 hours, I work along side this co-worker, shaken to the core. Because I don’t understand HOW her line of questioning originated… or WHY?

Was I being bullied? Or just too overly sensitive? And how do I proceed, in dealing with this co-worker from here on out? Does it sound like she has a problem with me? Should I simply forget about it… and act as though nothing has happened? I should add… that this particular co-worker hasn’t been too friendly, previously. But I’ve done everything I can to take it in stride… and (prior to this) never felt that there was any problem between us. I regularly call her by name. I greet her in the morning, say goodnight as I’m leaving… and smile at her frequently. And in addition, this past Christmas… I made presents for everyone… including Susie. So this really came out of LEFT FIELD and left me shaken. Your opinions and/or clarity would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

I think you are over analyzing it. I would need her side of the story before I can truly say anything though.

 

[Katherine438]

It was an odd line of questioning … sounds like she has a friend looking for a job … I would ignore it and make sure your bosses know that you are very happy with your job.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I’m an employee of a public school cafeteria. As such, we get all holidays and the entire summer off. I’ve been at this particular school for 6 months now, and I like it there. The faculty and the students are wonderful! We get some great perks and benefits. I love the hours. And I love all the time off, that we get. I’m happy there and I’m reliable. I show up for work every day. I’m a team player… and I enjoy what I’m doing.

But this afternoon… while setting up, to serve lunch to our students… I had a strange, baffling conversation with a co-worker (which SHE initiated). And I’m curious to know how other people would have reacted to such a conversation. I’m concerned how to react… from a spiritual standpoint, too.

I will call myself “Marie” and I will call the co-worker “Susie”. This is the conversation, verbatim:

Susie: “So Marie, are you planning on working here next year?” (meaning, after summer break).

Marie: “Of course!” (said with a smile, but a bit perplexed).

Susie: “Why?”

Marie: “WHY?!" (surprised, but still a trace of a smile) "Well, because I need to work.”

Susie: “Well, you can get ANOTHER job!”

Marie: (smile now fades… totally perplexed, baffled and feeling a bit rejected) “Another job? Why would I do that? I like it here.”

Susie: “I just meant that this isn’t the ONLY place a person can work”.

Ok… so, by this time… the students are starting to come in for lunch and the conversation abruptly ends. For 2 hours, I work along side this co-worker, shaken to the core. Because I don’t understand HOW her line of questioning originated… or WHY?

Was I being bullied? Or just too overly sensitive? And how do I proceed, in dealing with this co-worker from here on out? Does it sound like she has a problem with me? Should I simply forget about it… and act as though nothing has happened? I should add… that this particular co-worker hasn’t been too friendly, previously. But I’ve done everything I can to take it in stride… and (prior to this) never felt that there was any problem between us. I regularly call her by name. I greet her in the morning, say goodnight as I’m leaving… and smile at her frequently. And in addition, this past Christmas… I made presents for everyone… including Susie. So this really came out of LEFT FIELD and left me shaken. Your opinions and/or clarity would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

If she brings it up again, just ask “Why? Do you have a problem with me working here?” Why wonder? Just ask and see her response.

 

[Elena321]

I’m an employee of a public school cafeteria. As such, we get all holidays and the entire summer off. I’ve been at this particular school for 6 months now, and I like it there. The faculty and the students are wonderful! We get some great perks and benefits. I love the hours. And I love all the time off, that we get. I’m happy there and I’m reliable. I show up for work every day. I’m a team player… and I enjoy what I’m doing.

But this afternoon… while setting up, to serve lunch to our students… I had a strange, baffling conversation with a co-worker (which SHE initiated). And I’m curious to know how other people would have reacted to such a conversation. I’m concerned how to react… from a spiritual standpoint, too.

I will call myself “Marie” and I will call the co-worker “Susie”. This is the conversation, verbatim:

Susie: “So Marie, are you planning on working here next year?” (meaning, after summer break).

Marie: “Of course!” (said with a smile, but a bit perplexed).

Susie: “Why?”

Marie: “WHY?!" (surprised, but still a trace of a smile) "Well, because I need to work.”

Susie: “Well, you can get ANOTHER job!”

Marie: (smile now fades… totally perplexed, baffled and feeling a bit rejected) “Another job? Why would I do that? I like it here.”

Susie: “I just meant that this isn’t the ONLY place a person can work”.

Ok… so, by this time… the students are starting to come in for lunch and the conversation abruptly ends. For 2 hours, I work along side this co-worker, shaken to the core. Because I don’t understand HOW her line of questioning originated… or WHY?

Was I being bullied? Or just too overly sensitive? And how do I proceed, in dealing with this co-worker from here on out? Does it sound like she has a problem with me? Should I simply forget about it… and act as though nothing has happened? I should add… that this particular co-worker hasn’t been too friendly, previously. But I’ve done everything I can to take it in stride… and (prior to this) never felt that there was any problem between us. I regularly call her by name. I greet her in the morning, say goodnight as I’m leaving… and smile at her frequently. And in addition, this past Christmas… I made presents for everyone… including Susie. So this really came out of LEFT FIELD and left me shaken. Your opinions and/or clarity would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

:console:

It could be any number of reasons why she said that.
For example she might know something about your workplace like if they were going to lay people off or something and be giving you “subtle hints” to look for another job before this happens.
Also this might seem unlikely due to her previous demeanour.
Or she might be projecting her own feelings of being dissatisfied with her job.
Is it even possible that she could have FT Dementia or another illness which cause her to be excessively blunt with people?
Or,unfortunately,she may not like you …

Perhaps you could deal with this by first trying to find out more about where she was coming from.
Eg: How does she treat other people at work?
In which way has she been unfriendly before?

Is there someone at work that you could ask whether “Susie” has mentioned to them about having negative feelings regarding yourself?