Perspective on my marriage?

[acat]

I would like to hear from other Catholics about how you’d handle this situation and what your perception of it is.

My husband and I have struggled for years now. I’m not sure when things took a turn for the worse but it seems like some time soon after our child was born (8 years ago). Our son has some special needs - mild, medically speaking, but his social/emotional needs are rather intense, and I’ve had to devote most of my energy to caring for him. I suspect I largely neglected my husband during the first few years of our child’s life.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for a few years now. He also struggles with anxiety/depression/low motivation. He is a very nice guy but largely “checked out” – he isn’t emotionally present, he isn’t helpful around the house, his relationship with our son has improved but he is more like a friend than a parent figure to him. He is open to change but nothing sticks. He is willing to be helpful, but I need to literally spell everything out for him and repeat it day after day after day, which is so draining for me.

We lived apart for a year or so while he was sobering up. I took him back because of the Catholic ban against divorce, and because I felt like the best chance of our son having a healthy, involved dad would be if my husband and I stayed together.

This is important because I have a terminal illness. My life expectancy is uncertain – could be a year, could be 10 or more years. There is a very real possibility that my husband will end up raising our child alone. This possibility terrifies me, and I feel like I put a tremendous amount of effort into “building up” my husband to be a better, more responsible dad and person so that my son can grow up safe and healthy even without me here.

Our biggest challenge lately is my husband’s lack of consistency/follow-through. Because of my illness, which often leaves me fatigued, sick, and in pain, I need a lot of help around the house. We have written up division of responsibilities, and sick or not, I follow through with mine. My husband, however, does not - despite agreeing to do these things. When I bring it up, he’ll get back on track for a day or two, but things inevitably slide backward quickly.

It is extremely challenging to live with this man. He is quite sloppy and irresponsible to begin with, but his inability to follow through on chores (dishes, laundry, lawn mowing, etc.) make my life so much harder. Everything was a million times easier when we lived apart. He has caused us lots of financial challenges because of irresponsible decisions and periods of unemployment. On top of that, he lacks substance – he has no hobbies or interests and he’s largely emotionally unavailable, which makes the relationship very unfulfilling for me.

To be honest, I feel very trapped in this relationship. If it weren’t for our beliefs about the permanence of marriage, we would have been divorced long ago. I have considered another separation (without intent to divorce), but my concern is that my husband will never learn to be a responsible adult without my prodding, and our child will suffer for it. On the flip side, the thought of having to live my possibly very limited remaining days with him is so painful to me.

 

[pensmama87]

I’ll be praying for you and your marriage, OP.

I think there are so many very serious factors in here that an outside support system is a must, but you don’t mention anything like that. What support groups/therapists/family counseling is available in your area for people with your diagnosis? When your husband got sober did he participate in AA or another group? Have you reached out to your family, friends, and parish?

There is a LOT going on here for everyone, so I encourage you to reach out to people for help.

 

[newlywed8]

My first question regarding your husband would be: was he always like this? Or did he become more apathetic after your diagnosis? I know sometimes when I feel anxious about something (minor in my case) I often put off doing things to prepare for that event. It is possible that he views learning how to manage without you as a means of preparing for life without you? That could just be too difficult, so he is unable to do so.

Regardless, is it at all possible for you to bring in some support/outside help? Even if your husband was industrious, being an attentive/hands-on single parent to a special needs child can be very challenging. A monthly yard service or housekeeper might help make everything more manageable.

I also think you should work on building outside supports for your son. For example, does he receive therapy with regular therapists with whom he can form a bond? Is there any support groups for people/parents of children with his condition? Do people who help care for your son know about your condition and the help he may need one day? What about grandparents? Are they able to provide a stong support system and can help both your son and your husband through the transition and afterwards?

As for you. IMHO, you are probably right that it is best for your son to remain with his father so that you can help nurture the bond between father and son and to help smooth the eventual transition (unless your husband is abusive, then my advice would differ). I would still take the time, however, to enrich your life with spiritually fulfilling bonds with friends, enriching hobbies-- even if your husband does not share them, and even traveling if you can afford it.

I wish you the best and you and your family have my prayers.

 

[Boatswain2PA]

It is often said, accurately, that we can’t change others, we can only change ourselves.

During our Engaged Encounters, one of the things that really “stuck” with my wife and I was a discussion about how “loving your spouse” was a DECISION to make. Marriages go through episodes of intense love, being too busy to love, apathy, and sometimes “If he/she does that one more time I think I’m gonna scream!”. But, maintaining a marriage requires both parties to sometimes simply make a DECISION to love their spouse, despite all of their many flaws.

You can’t change your husband, but you CAN make a decision to LOVE him.

Hope that helps…if it doesn’t, then just ignore this post.

 

[jinglebelle]

I would like to hear from other Catholics about how you’d handle this situation and what your perception of it is.

My husband and I have struggled for years now. I’m not sure when things took a turn for the worse but it seems like some time soon after our child was born (8 years ago). Our son has some special needs - mild, medically speaking, but his social/emotional needs are rather intense, and I’ve had to devote most of my energy to caring for him. I suspect I largely neglected my husband during the first few years of our child’s life.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for a few years now. He also struggles with anxiety/depression/low motivation. He is a very nice guy but largely “checked out” – he isn’t emotionally present, he isn’t helpful around the house, his relationship with our son has improved but he is more like a friend than a parent figure to him. He is open to change but nothing sticks. He is willing to be helpful, but I need to literally spell everything out for him and repeat it day after day after day, which is so draining for me.

We lived apart for a year or so while he was sobering up. I took him back because of the Catholic ban against divorce, and because I felt like the best chance of our son having a healthy, involved dad would be if my husband and I stayed together.

This is important because I have a terminal illness. My life expectancy is uncertain – could be a year, could be 10 or more years. There is a very real possibility that my husband will end up raising our child alone. This possibility terrifies me, and I feel like I put a tremendous amount of effort into “building up” my husband to be a better, more responsible dad and person so that my son can grow up safe and healthy even without me here.

Our biggest challenge lately is my husband’s lack of consistency/follow-through. Because of my illness, which often leaves me fatigued, sick, and in pain, I need a lot of help around the house. We have written up division of responsibilities, and sick or not, I follow through with mine. My husband, however, does not - despite agreeing to do these things. When I bring it up, he’ll get back on track for a day or two, but things inevitably slide backward quickly.

It is extremely challenging to live with this man. He is quite sloppy and irresponsible to begin with, but his inability to follow through on chores (dishes, laundry, lawn mowing, etc.) make my life so much harder. Everything was a million times easier when we lived apart. He has caused us lots of financial challenges because of irresponsible decisions and periods of unemployment. On top of that, he lacks substance – he has no hobbies or interests and he’s largely emotionally unavailable, which makes the relationship very unfulfilling for me.

To be honest, I feel very trapped in this relationship. If it weren’t for our beliefs about the permanence of marriage, we would have been divorced long ago. I have considered another separation (without intent to divorce), but my concern is that my husband will never learn to be a responsible adult without my prodding, and our child will suffer for it. On the flip side, the thought of having to live my possibly very limited remaining days with him is so painful to me.

The last paragraph is telling.I think you already know the answer through experience but the last sentence is the killer.Read this to yourself every day,this is a partnership and you have more than contributed your share.Marriage includes respect,if none is given to you then find your own

 

[St_Pancake]

I would like to hear from other Catholics about how you’d handle this situation and what your perception of it is.

My husband and I have struggled for years now. I’m not sure when things took a turn for the worse but it seems like some time soon after our child was born (8 years ago). Our son has some special needs - mild, medically speaking, but his social/emotional needs are rather intense, and I’ve had to devote most of my energy to caring for him. I suspect I largely neglected my husband during the first few years of our child’s life.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for a few years now. He also struggles with anxiety/depression/low motivation. He is a very nice guy but largely “checked out” – he isn’t emotionally present, he isn’t helpful around the house, his relationship with our son has improved but he is more like a friend than a parent figure to him. He is open to change but nothing sticks. He is willing to be helpful, but I need to literally spell everything out for him and repeat it day after day after day, which is so draining for me.

We lived apart for a year or so while he was sobering up. I took him back because of the Catholic ban against divorce, and because I felt like the best chance of our son having a healthy, involved dad would be if my husband and I stayed together.

This is important because I have a terminal illness. My life expectancy is uncertain – could be a year, could be 10 or more years. There is a very real possibility that my husband will end up raising our child alone. This possibility terrifies me, and I feel like I put a tremendous amount of effort into “building up” my husband to be a better, more responsible dad and person so that my son can grow up safe and healthy even without me here.

Our biggest challenge lately is my husband’s lack of consistency/follow-through. Because of my illness, which often leaves me fatigued, sick, and in pain, I need a lot of help around the house. We have written up division of responsibilities, and sick or not, I follow through with mine. My husband, however, does not - despite agreeing to do these things. When I bring it up, he’ll get back on track for a day or two, but things inevitably slide backward quickly.

It is extremely challenging to live with this man. He is quite sloppy and irresponsible to begin with, but his inability to follow through on chores (dishes, laundry, lawn mowing, etc.) make my life so much harder. Everything was a million times easier when we lived apart. He has caused us lots of financial challenges because of irresponsible decisions and periods of unemployment. On top of that, he lacks substance – he has no hobbies or interests and he’s largely emotionally unavailable, which makes the relationship very unfulfilling for me.

To be honest, I feel very trapped in this relationship. If it weren’t for our beliefs about the permanence of marriage, we would have been divorced long ago. I have considered another separation (without intent to divorce), but my concern is that my husband will never learn to be a responsible adult without my prodding, and our child will suffer for it. On the flip side, the thought of having to live my possibly very limited remaining days with him is so painful to me.

Go ahead and end the marriage, it will be doing both of you a favor. If my wife thought as little of me as you do your husband, I would leave. I think God would be more pleased if you left this man rather than stayed together with you hating him.

 

[Polycarp1]

Go ahead and end the marriage, it will be doing both of you a favor. If my wife thought as little of me as you do your husband, I would leave. I think God would be more pleased if you left this man rather than stayed together with you hating him.

How do you know what God would think? What you, I or anyone would like Him to think, or what we would imagine what we would think if we we’re Him, has little bearing on how He actually thinks.

 

[Polycarp1]

The last paragraph is telling.I think you already know the answer through experience but the last sentence is the killer.Read this to yourself every day,this is a partnership and you have more than contributed your share.Marriage includes respect,if none is given to you then find your own

Remember we are only hearing one part of the story, and that is not a good basis on offering potentially life changing advice. Marriage is a three way oath and that shouldn’t be cast off lightly.

 

[St_Pancake]

How do you know what God would think? What you, I or anyone would like Him to think, or what we would imagine what we would think if we we’re Him, has little bearing on how He actually thinks.

That was my opinion and written as such.

 

[Irishmom2]

I would like to hear from other Catholics about how you’d handle this situation and what your perception of it is.

My husband and I have struggled for years now. I’m not sure when things took a turn for the worse but it seems like some time soon after our child was born (8 years ago). Our son has some special needs - mild, medically speaking, but his social/emotional needs are rather intense, and I’ve had to devote most of my energy to caring for him. I suspect I largely neglected my husband during the first few years of our child’s life.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for a few years now. He also struggles with anxiety/depression/low motivation. He is a very nice guy but largely “checked out” – he isn’t emotionally present, he isn’t helpful around the house, his relationship with our son has improved but he is more like a friend than a parent figure to him. He is open to change but nothing sticks. He is willing to be helpful, but I need to literally spell everything out for him and repeat it day after day after day, which is so draining for me.

We lived apart for a year or so while he was sobering up. I took him back because of the Catholic ban against divorce, and because I felt like the best chance of our son having a healthy, involved dad would be if my husband and I stayed together.

This is important because I have a terminal illness. My life expectancy is uncertain – could be a year, could be 10 or more years. There is a very real possibility that my husband will end up raising our child alone. This possibility terrifies me, and I feel like I put a tremendous amount of effort into “building up” my husband to be a better, more responsible dad and person so that my son can grow up safe and healthy even without me here.

Our biggest challenge lately is my husband’s lack of consistency/follow-through. Because of my illness, which often leaves me fatigued, sick, and in pain, I need a lot of help around the house. We have written up division of responsibilities, and sick or not, I follow through with mine. My husband, however, does not - despite agreeing to do these things. When I bring it up, he’ll get back on track for a day or two, but things inevitably slide backward quickly.

It is extremely challenging to live with this man. He is quite sloppy and irresponsible to begin with, but his inability to follow through on chores (dishes, laundry, lawn mowing, etc.) make my life so much harder. Everything was a million times easier when we lived apart. He has caused us lots of financial challenges because of irresponsible decisions and periods of unemployment. On top of that, he lacks substance – he has no hobbies or interests and he’s largely emotionally unavailable, which makes the relationship very unfulfilling for me.

To be honest, I feel very trapped in this relationship. If it weren’t for our beliefs about the permanence of marriage, we would have been divorced long ago. I have considered another separation (without intent to divorce), but my concern is that my husband will never learn to be a responsible adult without my prodding, and our child will suffer for it. On the flip side, the thought of having to live my possibly very limited remaining days with him is so painful to me.

If you are truly concerned for your son, you should try to work with your husband, no matter how many times you have to remind him to do things. I would think you would want to know he would be able to take care of your son if that ever was the case.

Encourage your husband to get help for his depression, anxiety and low motivation. Give him positive credit because he stopped drinking. His problems with getting things done the way you would like, probably come from his depression. Depression is serious, and can really cause a lot of his irresponsible decisions and periods of unemployment.

But just as importantly, I think that you and your husband should get some marriage counseling. You have nothing good to say about your husband and that is troubling. To say he has no substance? That is really uncharitable toward him. Perhaps he senses how you have already checked out and figures why bother.

 

[St_Francis]

Acat,
I am sorry to hear about your illness; I cannot imagine how difficult all this is for you.

I suggest two things: pray for your husband, generally and every time you feel annoyed with him.

And second: you sound like you are being responsible in his place. Let him be responsible for himself, even if the dishes don’t get done and the floor goes unvacuumed.

I hope that you have a good support structure, esp. at church. If not, find a good priest or other holy person to help you grow in holiness.

And you might try Al-Anon. They can be very helpful with precisely the issues you are concerned about, but at the same time, don’t worry overly much about tough love; rely on prayer.

Try to spend this time making good memories with your son, memories with you and good family memories. Let your husband deal with his own fallout (ETA) without making that an issue which will be a bad family memory. Model respect to your son for his dad, they will both need that.

 

[acat]

Trying to take this all in and not respond defensively. There is a reason I posted this here, on a Catholic forum, and that is that I wanted to get perspective from others who value the sanctity of marriage. In real life, everyone - friends, counselors, etc. - urges me to just leave him. I do appreciate the thoughts given here, although I think I may not have presented a full view of the situation. Sometimes all my negative feelings spill out when I write in an anonymous format like this.

I do not hate my husband. He broke my trust in a HUGE way, and also disclosed some really awful things to me. So sometimes it is hard to trust him, to feel safe with him… sometimes it’s hard to even LIKE him. But I do LOVE him, to my best ability. I absolutely do not hate him.

I feel frustrated with him… It is hard to feel like I am the only one trying in the marriage. It feels like I am trying to be both sides in our relationship and it’s upsetting and exhausting.

No, he was not always like this exactly, the biggest change happened when he stopped drinking. It is like he emptied himself out of all the alcoholic stuff but never filled it up with something else. When I say he has no substance, I don’t mean that as an insult, it’s just the only way I can describe my experience in interacting with him. It’s like interacting with a shadow or a ghost or something. I can’t connect to him and it almost feels like there’s nothing to connect TO. But I know he’s in there somewhere and I just don’t know how to find the real him.

We do have a lot of emotional support from friends and professionals, but not a whole lot of practical support. There are issues with some of the grandparents as far as alcoholism and abuse. The rest of the family lives far away. I want to set up some support system for when I’m gone but I am at a loss as to what else I can do to make that happen. My husband does get professional help for his mental health issues (which include other stuff not listed here) and takes meds too, but it doesn’t always seem like enough. He does go to AA. I have gone to Al-Anon off & on and have found it helpful at some points.

I know I can’t change him but I struggle with that and still want to try to help him become happier and more responsible. I will be completely forthright here and say that I feel challenged by mentally comparing him to others, which I know is not fair. My friends’ spouses take care of them, help them out around the house, provide for the family, parent the kids, show interest in them, etc. Because of my illness I could really use some extra caretaking and he is unable or unwilling to provide that, and I feel it as a personal slight – like I am not good enough to deserve love and care and compassion.

It’s all way more complicated than a simple message board post can convey. I do appreciate the insight and prayers (and the suggestion to pray for him more… I struggle with that sometimes).

 

[Xantippe]

Acat,
I am sorry to hear about your illness; I cannot imagine how difficult all this is for you.

I suggest two things: pray for your husband, generally and every time you feel annoyed with him.

And second: you sound like you are being responsible in his place. Let him be responsible for himself, even if the dishes don’t get done and the floor goes unvacuumed.

I hope that you have a good support structure, esp. at church. If not, find a good priest or other holy person to help you grow in holiness.

And you might try Al-Anon. They can be very helpful with precisely the issues you are concerned about, but at the same time, don’t worry overly much about tough love; rely on prayer.

Try to spend this time making good memories with your son, memories with you and good family memories. Let your husband deal with his own fallout (ETA) without making that an issue which will be a bad family memory. Model respect to your son for his dad, they will both need that.

Yes. There’s been a lot of good advice in this thread, especially about reaching out beyond your nuclear family. Aside from propping up your husband, I would advise making sure that there are other people looking out for your son. It’s an uncomfortable subject, but you may want to talk to a lawyer about the legal side of this. For example, what happens when you die and your husband is dropping the ball on taking care of your son? Will there be somebody who is willing to pick up the ball and do what’s needed, and has the legal standing to do so? If you have any assets, one mechanism that comes to mind is creating a special needs trust, with the trustee being someone other than your husband.

Of course, this may be a moot point–you may survive until your son is nearly an adult, and your son may go on to lead an independent life.

I do have to disagree a bit with poster St. Francis on housework. I know from unfortunate experience that some people have enormous tolerance for filth. If the OP’s husband is one, leaving housework to him will just lead to a depressing spiral of chaos and filth, which would not be a pleasant environment, either for the OP or her son. So I’d suggest figuring out a basic cleaning/chore schedule and try to make it work–the OP’s son may be more and more capable of picking up slack at home.

In fact, this is not a happy thought, but it might be a good use of resources and energy to teach the son a routine and hand over more and more of household management to him. Even with his disability, he may be more capable than his dad.

If you do have the financial resources, I would definitely encourage hiring cleaning and yard help when you can.

Best wishes!

 

[acat]

To have my son pick up more of the slack is a great idea. He’s not quite capable of that at this point but we’re working on it and maybe I can direct more of my efforts there.

Yes, to just let my husband accept responsibility if the housework isn’t done would result is unsafe and unsanitary conditions.

The ideal situation would be for a close family member or friend to move in with us, help out with the household but especially with our son (including after my death). Unfortunately, that is a big sacrifice for someone to make and I’ve yet to find anyone willing to do so. Perhaps as my health situation becomes more dire, someone will step up or things will otherwise fall into place, but I certainly have a lot of anxiety about it at this point.

 

[Xantippe]

To have my son pick up more of the slack is a great idea. He’s not quite capable of that at this point but we’re working on it and maybe I can direct more of my efforts there.

Yes, to just let my husband accept responsibility if the housework isn’t done would result is unsafe and unsanitary conditions.

The ideal situation would be for a close family member or friend to move in with us, help out with the household but especially with our son (including after my death). Unfortunately, that is a big sacrifice for someone to make and I’ve yet to find anyone willing to do so. Perhaps as my health situation becomes more dire, someone will step up or things will otherwise fall into place, but I certainly have a lot of anxiety about it at this point.

Yeah–because the end goal is not just for your husband to be a decent dad, it’s for your son to be an independent adult. This is really not fair for your son in any sense, but if you’ve only got so much energy, I would focus it on teaching your son stuff for himself rather than nudging your husband forward.

Even if a relative were just to move to your neighborhood (or you move to theirs) that would be a big help going forward–and less of a commitment for them.

Keep building your son’s outside relationships (it’s not uncommon for kids to spend a lot of time with friends’ families in situations such as your own). Also, if you can get his school situation sorted out well in advance, that would be very helpful. For example, are you happy with his current school? What happens once he gets out of elementary school? Are you happy with the middle school he is districted for? (Middle school is unpleasant for totally typical children, and very unpleasant for children with differences.)

Some stuff can’t be arranged right now, but if you do the research now and make decisions now, it will be easier later on.

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

Yes, to just let my husband accept responsibility if the housework isn’t done would result is unsafe and unsanitary conditions.

Not surprised.

 

[Xantippe]

Please turn over responsibility completely to your husband for everything and do it now. Better that your house be in unsafe and unsanitary conditions occasionally now, while corrections can be made then be unsafe and unsanitary with a grieving widower and grieving child that may be depressed and have little hope. At least now your husband may be occasionally motivated to please you and do his best and can get practice. Tell him you love him, tell him you TRUST him. Do all you can to build him up! Build his confidence, tell him he is a great dad, tell him he is a strong man, tell him he is a trustworthy person. If you keep making lists and directing everything it reaffirms his total dependence on you and he will fall apart even more so if you pass away. That will be an even bigger disaster for your son. Your husband needs strength and most men do not grow strong from lists, prodding or nagging. Men derive true strength from love. Slowly build your husband up by showing him love and building on his strengths. This will be difficult for you as you will have to let things go. When you husband promises to cut the grass and doesn’t, simply tell him that you love him and trust him. Tell him you have to learn to trust him eventually and trust him to do it. Wrap your arms around him and tell him he is a great husband and father.

The OP says:

"Our biggest challenge lately is my husband’s lack of consistency/follow-through. Because of my illness, which often leaves me fatigued, sick, and in pain, I need a lot of help around the house. We have written up division of responsibilities, and sick or not, I follow through with mine. My husband, however, does not - despite agreeing to do these things. When I bring it up, he’ll get back on track for a day or two, but things inevitably slide backward quickly.

“It is extremely challenging to live with this man. He is quite sloppy and irresponsible to begin with, but his inability to follow through on chores (dishes, laundry, lawn mowing, etc.) make my life so much harder. Everything was a million times easier when we lived apart. He has caused us lots of financial challenges because of irresponsible decisions and periods of unemployment.”

It sounds to me like the OP has already been doing more or less what you suggest and it hasn’t been working. Given that she has limited energy, I don’t think it’s a very good idea to expend it on propping him up, when she has an actual child at home.

You don’t like the list idea, but a guy who can’t manage tasks with a list probably wasn’t managing the same tasks without a list.

It’s hard to know without knowing the OP’s husband how far he would let things go–some people will let things go very, very far–in fact, the mess will make them lose hope and give up and the mess will pile up deeper and deeper. You wrote, “Better that your house be in unsafe and unsanitary conditions occasionally now, while corrections can be made then be unsafe and unsanitary with a grieving widower and grieving child that may be depressed and have little hope.” It’s unfortunately possible that the danger and the filth would not be “occasional” but would become a way of life, with the depression and filth spiraling more and more as time goes on.

We can’t know, but it is certainly one of the possibilities. I always get very anxious about people assuming that mess or dirt is self-correcting, because a lot of people just give up or can’t even see dirt. When I was a kid, my mom was not Mrs. Clean, but she tried and she made us do a lot of stuff. The canary in the coal mine, though, was the fridge–even when I was a kid, it was always at least 25% full of rotting/moldy/liquefied food. The house got a lot worse after we kids left home as room after room turned into storage, the passages between rooms shrank, and the stairs became more and more difficult to traverse. Plus, the cobwebs, cat hair, and dead bugs piled up. I put my foot down and told my parents that I wasn’t bringing the kids to visit unless they did something, and glory be, they have rolled back the filth. It took my dad, my mom, and my mom’s buddy working for days (plus a housecleaner from time to time), but I’m no longer scared to take my kids to visit. The one lingering problem is the fridge–to this day, it’s generally 90% packed full of rotting food. I’m helped with many cleanouts of that fridge over the years, but it always goes back to “normal.” We only visit only once a year, but my mom and dad usually can’t pull it together to clean out that fridge.

So, tldr–it scares me to death thinking about just letting things go and assuming that the OP’s husband will pick up the slack, because for some people, if there’s no outside force (like me!) pushing them to fix things, things will go very, very far wrong. They will never pick things up–they won’t even see that there is anything to pick up. For examples of how this works in real life, watch all the hoarder shows.

OP, here’s a quick thought–teach your son to throw out expired or rotted food without asking anybody–he’s old enough to do that. If salad dressing is three months past due or a cucumber is liquefied or there’s a green spot on the cheese, he doesn’t need to even ask anybody–it goes straight into the trash. This one thing will do a lot to keep both your son and husband safe and the house livable going forward. (Somebody may say, waaaah, the waste–but I have to say, there’s nothing as wasteful as dealing with a fridge where 90% of the stuff has to be tossed out because it’s so stuffed with garbage that nobody ever finds and eats the good stuff.)

OP, here’s another quick thought–is your husband depressed, and is he getting appropriate treatment? To me, it sounds like he may have already been depressed for a long time.

Best wishes!

 

[pianistclare]

The OP says:

"Our biggest challenge lately is my husband’s lack of consistency/follow-through. Because of my illness, which often leaves me fatigued, sick, and in pain, I need a lot of help around the house. We have written up division of responsibilities, and sick or not, I follow through with mine. My husband, however, does not - despite agreeing to do these things. When I bring it up, he’ll get back on track for a day or two, but things inevitably slide backward quickly.

“It is extremely challenging to live with this man. He is quite sloppy and irresponsible to begin with, but his inability to follow through on chores (dishes, laundry, lawn mowing, etc.) make my life so much harder. Everything was a million times easier when we lived apart. He has caused us lots of financial challenges because of irresponsible decisions and periods of unemployment.”

It sounds to me like the OP has already been doing more or less what you suggest and it hasn’t been working. Given that she has limited energy, I don’t think it’s a very good idea to expend it on propping him up, when she has an actual child at home.

You don’t like the list idea, but a guy who can’t manage tasks with a list probably wasn’t managing the same tasks without a list.

It’s hard to know without knowing the OP’s husband how far he would let things go–some people will let things go very, very far–in fact, the mess will make them lose hope and give up and the mess will pile up deeper and deeper. You wrote, “Better that your house be in unsafe and unsanitary conditions occasionally now, while corrections can be made then be unsafe and unsanitary with a grieving widower and grieving child that may be depressed and have little hope.” It’s unfortunately possible that the danger and the filth would not be “occasional” but would become a way of life, with the depression and filth spiraling more and more as time goes on.

We can’t know, but it is certainly one of the possibilities. I always get very anxious about people assuming that mess or dirt is self-correcting, because a lot of people just give up or can’t even see dirt. When I was a kid, my mom was not Mrs. Clean, but she tried and she made us do a lot of stuff. The canary in the coal mine, though, was the fridge–even when I was a kid, it was always at least 25% full of rotting/moldy/liquefied food. The house got a lot worse after we kids left home as room after room turned into storage, the passages between rooms shrank, and the stairs became more and more difficult to traverse. Plus, the cobwebs, cat hair, and dead bugs piled up. I put my foot down and told my parents that I wasn’t bringing the kids to visit unless they did something, and glory be, they have rolled back the filth. It took my dad, my mom, and my mom’s buddy working for days (plus a housecleaner from time to time), but I’m no longer scared to take my kids to visit. The one lingering problem is the fridge–to this day, it’s generally 90% packed full of rotting food. I’m helped with many cleanouts of that fridge over the years, but it always goes back to “normal.” We only visit only once a year, but my mom and dad usually can’t pull it together to clean out that fridge.

So, tldr–it scares me to death thinking about just letting things go and assuming that the OP’s husband will pick up the slack, because for some people, if there’s no outside force (like me!) pushing them to fix things, things will go very, very far wrong. They will never pick things up–they won’t even see that there is anything to pick up. For examples of how this works in real life, watch all the hoarder shows.

OP, here’s a quick thought–teach your son to throw out expired or rotted food without asking anybody–he’s old enough to do that. If salad dressing is three months past due or a cucumber is liquefied or there’s a green spot on the cheese, he doesn’t need to even ask anybody–it goes straight into the trash. This one thing will do a lot to keep both your son and husband safe and the house livable going forward. (Somebody may say, waaaah, the waste–but I have to say, there’s nothing as wasteful as dealing with a fridge where 90% of the stuff has to be tossed out because it’s so stuffed with garbage that nobody ever finds and eats the good stuff.)

OP, here’s another quick thought–is your husband depressed, and is he getting appropriate treatment? To me, it sounds like he may have already been depressed for a long time.

Best wishes!

OP, you’re in our prayers.

 

[Trident_H]

Well I don’t have a lot to say these days. I mean I’m usually not feeling all that confident with giving out too much advice atm. But I do sort of think I see one pattern here.

I see you probably live with a phlegmatic type. And maybe you know that anyway? But it sometimes helps to remind yourself of his basics. I mean sometimes it helps to be able to see how life plays out through his eyes.

temperamentcounselinginc.com/strengths-and-weaknesses.html

Motivation’s the big deal for the phlegmatic. And seriously I don’t know him well enough to even be 100% sure he’s that? But maybe if you look at that site and then look under the strengths and weaknesses of the phlegmatic (about halfway down) you might be able to see for sure.

I’m really sorry you’re in this tough spot. I really wish there was a full way to give you ease from this. I’m so sorry with what you’re going through with your sickness and your husband and your worries for your child. I really wish there was more I could do for you. I truly do.

All I can promise is I’ll do my best to pray there’s a way to help your husband find some sort of motivation. He really does need to see some sort of point to what he’s doing. That’s the hardest thing to get across to phlegmatic types.

Again. I’m truly truly sorry.

Peace acat.

-Trident

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you for sharing Xantippe, I always enjoy your perspective. I don’t think that cleaning mess or dirt or fixing any bad habit is self-correcting. Actually I firmly believe that bad habits often take a VERY long time to correct. What stood out for me in the original post and part of your quote was that **the original poster seemed to wait a short amount of time (a few days by her own admittance) before stepping in. **Therefore I don’t think she was doing what I suggested in really turning things over to her husband.

Partially, this is to help her son cope. To be realistic here, there is a chance that her husband will be messy like this if she passes away. She needs to help her son cope with this reality. If the house is messy while mom is living, she can be there to help her son cope with the messes and guide him. Otherwise, the vulnerable son will lose his mother and his clean and happy home will disappear all at the same time. Her son needs to be able to cope with living the way dad will be raising him.

Ideally, her husband will change but this wife needs to really turn things over to him and put him in charge completely. Giving him lists and prodding him are not working you saw this with your mother. Nothing may ever work really. Prayers for this family.

I feel like a few days would fine for lawn, but it might be kind of bad for laundry and absolutely catastrophic for dishes.

(Come to think of it, OP, how about paper plates to keep the dish volume down? You can specifically mention this to your husband, that you’re doing this to reduce his work load. That is money and more trash to haul out, but $2 worth of paper plates is a lot of plates not to have to wash and put away.)

With my mom, she never had a list from my dad, and I think the prodding from my dad (and very occasional visits from company) was the only thing that kept her cleaning (or at least running big housecleaning sprees). My sis and I have come to believe (based on the total collapse of housekeeping after we left home) that those big Saturday housecleaning sprees were the primary housecleaning that happened when we were tweens and teens.

Having known my mom for the past 40 odd years and having read about hoarders (not to mention having watched more than a few episodes), I now believe that she is definitely on that spectrum, and that my dad committed a huge error in believing that since she was the woman, she’d be able to keep the house clean all by herself, and that it was only his job to complain from time to time. (My dad’s mother is an immaculate 1950s housekeeper, so it was a matter of continual astonishment to him throughout my growing up that his wife didn’t keep house or cook like his mom.)

Having watched them and had a home of my own for a number of years, I have drawn somewhat different conclusions. I now believe that there is something neurologically wrong with my mother, and that she was never going to be able to keep a house clean by herself, and that (as the more capable party), he should have stepped up, helped her keep things clean, or at least gotten regular cleaning help. Thank God they did the purge and they’ve finally started having regular help, because otherwise, they were on track to go on one of those shows.

So, my conclusion from dealing my mom is pretty much the opposite of yours–I suspect that the OP’s husband is going to need a lot of help, including once the OP goes to her reward.