Phone calls and emails

[crenfro]

Hello.

I screen my phone calls and do not feel obligated to answer everyone’s emails. I’ve also been yelled at about it by family.

Spoiler

They tell me they called and had to leave a message, implying to me that I should be by the phone and accessible to them at all times. And these are family members who rarely call or even communicate with me, but when they do, I’m expected to be home, ready and waiting. Then they get angry at me. Been thinking about this a lot.

Any constructive, useful comments?

 

[pianistclare]

Answer the phone.
My children do this and it is VERY annoying.
Just because they think they don’t need to talk to me, doesn’t mean I don’t need to talk to them in the moment.
Messages can be brief. But if someone has your number, you shoudl expect them to contact you via same.
Peace.

 

[Irishmom2]

No one needs to answer the phone every time it rings. My children only call in rare instances, or emergencies though, they usually text.

Just tell your family that you are not able to answer at all times and to leave a message. I don’t understand why they have a problem with that. Sometimes people are driving, eating, showering or any number of things and they can’t expect you to answer on their terms.

 

[Clementine14]

It is polite to answer calls and emails, but that doesn’t mean you have to do either immediately.

People can’t be available every moment of the day. You don’t owe anyone a reason for why you didn’t pick up the phone. Do you eventually respond, just not as quickly as they would like, or do you just ignore them indefinitely? If it’s the latter, I’d say that’s a bit rude but can be justified in some circumstances. But there is nothing wrong with screening calls even if you just don’t feel like talking sometimes.

 

[angel12]

I screen my phone calls and do not feel obligated to answer everyone’s emails. I’ve also been yelled at about it by family.

That’s extremely rude of them. Nobody sits by the phone all the time (or at least, no one should). If it’s urgent, they can leave a message (and you should check your messages promptly, in case there is something urgent).
If you have to respond to these attacks, just say “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Repeat as often as necessary.

 

[Tulitas]

I don’t know. I think phones are not simply texting devices They are speaking devices. How hard is it to say “I’m busy now”. ?
People who care for each other speak to one another.
At least I do.
The consensus here seems to say otherwise.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

If they call you rarely and you’re available screening seems does seem a bit tool like.

If they are calling all the time or your busy, then yeah go ahead and screen. People can get cumbersome and obnoxious and sometimes the ask for attention and you just can’t give it.

My aunts and uncles and grandparents have my phone number. They’ve called maybe a couple dozen times over a decade. If they call me unless I’m knee deep in screaming children, I answer. It’s just not that difficult and it might be important.

 

[Allegra]

Do you mean you don’t answer calls and emails right away, or not at all? If you aren’t responding at all when someone tries to communicate with you, then that IS rude. If someone calls you, and you are indisposed at the moment to talk to them, that’s perfectly reasonable to take their message and contact them when you are available to talk. The advent of smartphones seems to have brought on a whole lot of communication rudeness and entitlement. There seems to be a lot of people who not only assume that you are obligated to own a device that keeps you always at their beck and call, but that there will never be a situation where it is inappropriate, hazardous, or bothersome to answer them. This expectation leads to the rudeness of people staring at their screen when there is a live human in front of them trying to communicate with them. There doesn’t seem to be a consensus of what sort of communication is appropriate in what medium. For example, you don’t breakup with someone or fire them over a text message, nor do you attempt to have a conversation that requires long responses. I’ve actually had a coworker ask me a question like, “Do you have any recommendations for regarding a certain program” and asked me to text her my answer, as if I’m going to sit and type out several paragraphs of information on my flipphone, including answers to all her questions, while I’m driving no less! Some conversations are more appropriate on the phone or in person.

For the OP, my recommendation is to look inward first. Are you being rude, dismissive, or avoiding conversations that might be unpleasant but need to happen? If not, then it sounds like you simply need to set up a communication plan with the individuals who are expecting you to communicate with them. Explain that you can’t always be at their beck and call because you have to work, sleep, shower, etc. Offer them your preferred means of emergency communication. For example, between me and my husband, if we have an emergency, we use our cell phones. If the person doesn’t pick up, we call back a second time, right away. That is our signal that we need to stop what we’re doing and answer the phone. We don’t abuse that method. Short questions that don’t require explainations are best resolved via text. For non-emergencies, maybe email is best, or offer a good time to call. (remember when everyone waited to call after 8 because minutes were free then? That was good.)

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

I think there is two parts to the communication entitlement. Many have the ideal that people should always be available. This is wrong. However, many also have the idea they have a right to screen everything and reply on their convince. Like you mentioned when minutes were free after 8 people would call because they knew they’d be answered. You were available when you said you were. You didn’t “screen” because you could.

 

[crenfro]

I sleep during the day because I work at night. I generally return calls when I can. It’s just these few times that some of my family call and they sound so irritated, like I did something wrong by not being at home or being asleep.

Well, God bless them because I certainly have my faults. Please pray for me.

 

[Irishmom2]

Well there you go. People cannot expect you to answer if it is your sleep time. That is ridiculous.

Prayers offered for you.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

I sleep during the day because I work at night. I generally return calls when I can. It’s just these few times that some of my family call and they sound so irritated, like I did something wrong by not being at home or being asleep.

Well, God bless them because I certainly have my faults. Please pray for me.

Do you give them good times when they could call? It can be annoying to leave messages…

If they have made no accommodations for you, you may need to say “hey you sound annoyed that you had to wait for my reply. I’m just never available between 9am and 5pm. 6pm-9pm is really the only time I have to call. What can I do to make that work for you?”

 

[Irishmom2]

Why is it annoying to leave a message?

No one is “entitled” to speak with someone by phone if they do not wish to be spoken to. The exception is minor children trying to reach parents. Or true emergencies.

 

[Clementine14]

However, many also have the idea they have a right to screen everything and reply on their convince.

People do have this right. I’ve screened calls from people I love very much because I just didn’t feel like talking at that moment. Either I was tired, or watching something I wanted to finish on TV, or whatever. Everyone who calls me knows that I can be counted on to get back to them, but it might not be immediately. (This does not apply to my husband or parents- I will almost always answer their calls unless I cannot.)

I do have the right to screen calls and respond when it’s convenient, as does anyone else. I don’t expect people to be at my beck and call, and neither should anyone expect me to be.

 

[Clementine14]

I sleep during the day because I work at night. I generally return calls when I can. It’s just these few times that some of my family call and they sound so irritated, like I did something wrong by not being at home or being asleep.

There is nothing wrong with not answering the phone when you are sleeping unless you have a kid or someone else dependent on you. People can wait.

 

[Allegra]

Trying to give the OP the benefit of the doubt regarding the screening. I think it’s reasonable to screen calls to some extent. There are certain people who are not going to call me with an emergency, there are certain people who might be calling with an emergency, and there are certain people who I know are not going to call me a certain times (like when I’m at work) unless it is an emergency. If the nanny’s number comes up, I’m going to answer the phone regardless. If my college friend who lives in Chicago calls me, it can wait until I get home or at least my lunch break. If my sister calls (who for some reason doesn’t always seem to know what days of the week teachers usually work) it could be something important or something that can wait. She might get a “what’s going on?” text or a “I’m at work. Can I call you later tonight?” text.

 

[QwertyGirl]

If you care about the family member, you should return the missed call or reply to the email. If you don’t care about them, then don’t. But then you also shouldn’t care if they get mad and yell at you.

Of course, if it is family, the kind thing to do is to always acknowledge a missed call or an email.

Actions have consequences. So does inaction.

All families are different, though.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Xanthippe_Voorhees:

However, many also have the idea they have a right to screen everything and reply on their convince.

People do have this right. I’ve screened calls from people I love very much because I just didn’t feel like talking at that moment. Either I was tired, or watching something I wanted to finish on TV, or whatever. Everyone who calls me knows that I can be counted on to get back to them, but it might not be immediately. (This does not apply to my husband or parents- I will almost always answer their calls unless I cannot.)

I do have the right to screen calls and respond when it’s convenient, as does anyone else. I don’t expect people to be at my beck and call, and neither should anyone expect me to be.

I didn’t say he has to always be available, but that it’s wrong to use technology to never be available. If you need a break from the world than, whatever, take a break. But to screen everything as if you are in a bunker that really isn’t a positive. When phones were invented you were either answered or you didn’t. You also tried to be available to answer at times so people could reach you.

 

[Irishmom2]

Xanthippe_Voorhees:

However, many also have the idea they have a right to screen everything and reply on their convince.

I didn’t say he has to always be available, but that it’s wrong to use technology to never be available. If you need a break from the world than, whatever, take a break. But to screen everything as if you are in a bunker that really isn’t a positive. When phones were invented you were either answered or you didn’t. You also tried to be available to answer at times so people could reach you.

I think perhaps this is an age difference thing. Some people were born late enough to never have known what the world was like without a cell phone, and a way to be reached, in it.

I would imagine they grew up with a total connection, not knowing any other way, and not being able to imagine not wanting or needing to be connected 24/7.

But there are lots of people for whom this was the way it was for almost all of their lives. They don’t have that immediate need because they grew up with a phone, or without an answering machine even. It is just not that important to be available for every single call.

Barring emergencies, most of the time, stuff can wait.

 

[Cruciferi]

Bwahahaha! I have an Iphone and haven’t set up a Voicemail yet… Truthfully, if you wanna get ahold of me you’re better off calling and texting. Then, maybe, I’ll get back to you… (probably not)