Piercings - out of line?

[Tbrightson]

So I “discover” that my wife and three daughters had a “fun time together” and got themselves belly piercings…daughters are 12,13 and 15.

They knew I don’t like piercings other than the ear and this was the first time there are such anywhere else.

Don’t like 'em, think they are trashy, etc.

Do I have a right to be PO’d?

 

[EasterJoy]

Of course you have a right to be upset. Do you have any doubt whether your wife would even *wonder *if she had a right to be upset when she made it clear she was strenuously opposed to something and yet you went off with the children and did it behind her back, anyway? And “for fun” yet? Is she saying that giving your wishes a big fat strawberry and teaching your three daughters to do the same is her idea of a good time?

I would be livid if my husband was so flippant about that level of disrespect for my feelings. I’d also ask her what she will do when her daughters go off and do something like that against her wishes.

I say this as someone who holds the “it is easier to get forgiveness than permission” principle as a particular pet peeve. It is like committing a sin with the plan of confessing the sin, having weighed the “penance” as “worth it” in advance. When someone willfully does something behind my back with the idea that I’ll be forced to forgive them later, it really rankles me. It is one of the most disrespectful, disloyal, and–let me be really blunt–underhanded attitudes someone can have. It is a direct attack on my trust, too, because I know that turning my back is all it takes for my wishes to be kicked unceremoniously into a corner.

 

[Kelfa28]

Wow…seriously?

The piercings themselves, on there own, IMHO…aren’t that bad. I had my naval pierced at one point.

Here is the difference…I was 18 when I got it and I did it on my own because I didn’t need my parent’s permission to do so.

Two things stick out at me here.

First of all…naval piercings are implying that one would want to show off their body and midriff for a reason. Attention is being drawn to that area.

What in the world would a child at the age of 12!!! need to being doing bringing attention to their midriff area…let alone a 15 year old?

Second…what blatant disregard for your opinion and what a lack of disrespect for you as a father.
I can’t imagine.

I’d be out of my mind if I was in your position that my wife took my young daughters to mutilate their bodies without telling me first.

I’m assuming she knew you thoughts on the matter…and if not, why wouldn’t she consult you before hand?

I think piercings themselves are fine…there was a time, before I joined the military, where I had 8 piercings (7 in different areas of my ears and one naval) and I was toying with the idea of getting my nose pierced.
But I was an adult who had no responsibilities to anyone and I could make those decisions on my own and pay for them on my own without any (name removed by moderator)ut from anyone else.

Now…I would never do something like that without consulting my husband’s opinion first.
Let alone take my three daughters out, behind his back, and mutilate their bodies without him knowing and also getting his permission as well.

I wouldn’t even do that for ear piercings with them…let alone anything else.

That is ridiculous.

 

[Isca]

It’s fine for your wife to do it, she can make her own decisions (even if you aren’t keen on piercings). Taking the girls is another matter. Ear-piercing is one thing, navel piercing - not for kids IMO, and especially not for kids when one parent disapproves. I’m not even sure if they’d do piercings like that on kids in the UK.

If they take the stud out now, the hole will no doubt heal up. They can have it done again themselves when they are adults, if they want.

 

[frangiuliano115]

Hello Tbrighson,

I agree with Easterjoy and cannot add much else except the following as far as christianity is concerned:

In the Old Testament the Israelites erected the tabernacle as they moved around in order to worship God. There was a curtain to separate the Holy of Holies where only the High Priest was allowed to go.

In the New Testament, Jesus ripped the curtain to the Holy of Holies because now our body is the temple and we should treat it as such. Everyone can now enter the “holy of holies” thanks to the Lamb of God. No more curtain; we and the holy of holies are one.

You can read the gospel of Mark 15:33-39

Or you might like what Bono of U2 has to say on the matter:
“My body’s not a canvas, my body’s not a toilet wall”
Raised by Wolves, Songs of Innocence album 2014

Sorry, but that could be for the more worldly minded… We are not all christian!

I would just help my daughters to understand this.

God bless you
Fran

 

[MaryT777]

Yes you definitely have a right to be PO’d. Can’t add to the posters above who gave well thought out reasons to be as such.

Mary.

 

[Loly_Maria]

It’s not a big deal. 12 and 13 may be a little bit young, but it’s not doing any harm as long as they take care of them and let them heal properly. They’re just having fun and they can remove it in future if they get tired of it.

 

[DarkLight]

It’s not a big deal. 12 and 13 may be a little bit young, but it’s not doing any harm as long as they take care of them and let them heal properly. They’re just having fun and they can remove it in future if they get tired of it.

I think the big deal here is that the wife took them knowing the husband would object.

I don’t personally have an issue with the piercings per se. But parents should not undermine each other like this. What message is this sending the girls about obeying their father?

 

[pianistclare]

Google:“Failed body piercings”, body piercing infections, mistakes, you get the idea.
Then, take them all to a Doctor that is sympathetic to explain the potential for tremendous damage and infection. But once they se the pictures, I think they’ll all have the objects removed.
Stupid.
Just plain stupid.
Yes, you have a right to be angry. But don’t make it about “obedience” or expect them all to lash back at you in tremendous anger. You have to come at this from a medical perspective at this point. The damage is done.
But yeah, I’d have a serious conversation with your wife. Are you partners in parenting, or not?

 

[Loly_Maria]

Google:“Failed body piercings”, body piercing infections, mistakes, you get the idea.
Then, take them all to a Doctor that is sympathetic to explain the potential for tremendous damage and infection. But once they se the pictures, I think they’ll all have the objects removed.
Stupid.
Just plain stupid.
Yes, you have a right to be angry. But don’t make it about “obedience” or expect them all to lash back at you in tremendous anger. You have to come at this from a medical perspective at this point. The damage is done.
But yeah, I’d have a serious conversation with your wife. Are you partners in parenting, or not?

Done by a professional and properly taken care of, body piercings are unlikely to cause any real damage. Showing pictures of rare occasions when they cause significant damage is just trying to scare people into acting like you want them to. It’s like not wanting someone to cross the road and showing them photos of traffic accidents to stop them.

 

[chevalier]

I wouldn’t make too big a deal of someone’s moment of weakness in wanting to have some fun while thinking himself/herself a bit oppressed by wet blanket relatives. Perhaps this is similar to some things that fathers and sons would be doing without telling the mother — for example involving some variety of combat or risk of physical injury or something exhausting and challenging like survival sklls. Perhaps to them the piercings were like just getting a haircut, and, while I can’t be sure, I don’t think we’d be making much of a fuss of them just getting a quirky haircut.

However, this said, I can’t disagree with EasterJoy (this time, of course ) or with Kelfa. There may be some sort of trouble on that front, i.e. disconnect with you, disregard for you etc.

On the other hand, it’s possible they thought you wouldn’t make a big deal of it, which isn’t exactly respectful but is not the same as just going ahead and hurting you emotionally with full knowledge and intent.

Also, like Kelfa said, there may be a problem with drawing the attention to the body. An interest in one’s body is a natural thing in children and even teenagers, and some kind of a pride in it and desire to experience some sort of appreciation on its account (desire to please, visually, experience another’s interest and appreciation, approval) is natural in women of pretty much all ages. Just simply putting your foot down and thumping against it could have a detrimental effect. You’d need to approach that kind of thing in a delicate and smart manner, with a lot of tact and respect for individual autonomy. It doesn’t take a sexual context for the ‘victim’ to feel violated in one’s body. For example we don’t feel great about being patted or strip-searched by male cops, do we? A young woman could feel violated in having her body ‘regulated’ by an older male, especially over the objections of her mother. Still, you need to pass on God’s teaching, the Church’s teaching, about the meaning and purpose of sexuality. (Though nobody says you have to be gloomy, reproachful and preachy while doing it. St. Thomas More was a great believer in generally having some sense of humour, and I tend to think about him in the circumstances; he too had daughters to deal with, so perhaps seeking his intercession would be a good idea. )

No envy you. Dread the day I’m gonna end up with a teenage daughter of my own (if).

One woman is more than enough trouble, but four?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Oh boy. This could be really bad like everyone else has said, or it could be a situation like Chev described where she didn’t know that it would be a big deal to you. You need to have a talk with her.

But from the sounds of this, it was a huge violation and sends a very bad message to the girls.

I say this as someone who has several piercings.

 

[Vim71]

Don’t like 'em, think they are trashy, etc.

I share the same opinion as you. Personally as I see it, our “bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). So I don’t know why you would want to put tattoos and piercings, which I consider to be akin to graffiti, on one.

 

[Loly_Maria]

I share the same opinion as you. Personally as I see it, our “bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). So I don’t know why you would want to put tattoos and piercings, which I consider to be akin to graffiti, on one.

Well neither you or the OP will ever be required to get them if you don’t want them. One person’s graffiti is another person’s art.

 

[chevalier]

I share the same opinion as you. Personally as I see it, our “bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). So I don’t know why you would want to put tattoos and piercings, which I consider to be akin to graffiti, on one.

Well neither you or the OP will ever be required to get them if you don’t want them. One person’s graffiti is another person’s art.

Both of you folks are right.

For lack of a better word, intentional ‘uglification’ of one’s body (intentional defacing, perhaps related to turpism or some kind of self-loathing or auto-destructive behaviour) would be a problem. An inclination to do it would be disordered. Yielding to disordered inclinations is wrong, as in encouraging them.

On the other hand, tattoos and piercing are not inherently bad, wrong, evil, whatever, and the judgement of their aesthetic qualities and worth and the merit of having them is quite subjective. For example sailors, soldiers and members of tribal cultures don’t get tattoos simply to disfigure themselves.

Obviously, the typical Western person is not a soldier, sailor or tribal, so the analogy may or may not hold and depends on individual motivation. There can be neither a blanket condemnation nor a blanket excuse.

 

[recentrevert]

**Navel piercings are clearly a pagan abomination and are an offence against the dignity of the body. Who would see them anyway? That is a part of the body which should be covered in front of others so what are they going to do, sit on their own gazing at themselves (navel gazing, literally!)? - not normal or healthy. To wear short tops and worse still to have piercings which draw attention to their bellies is gravely immodest.

Your wife ought to obey you in these things - it can often be a mortal sin for a wife to disobey her husband if what he expects is reasonable. For a wife to go against her husband’s reasonable wishes in such a serious matter and in front of her children is very bad example and definitely grave matter. Wives must make obedience easy for children by setting an example of it themselves - the wife’s pride often leads to rebellious children and to put it right she must not say ‘Do as I say and not as I do’, still less 'I don’t have to obey my husband, I am an adult’ - making it seem to her children as if obedience is a childish thing to be shunned by grown-ups; She must humble herself and admit her fault and set very good example from then on.

It sounds as if you have big problems in your family and that this is just a sign of them. The question you must ask is how you can fix them.

 

[pianistclare]

Done by a professional and properly taken care of, body piercings are unlikely to cause any real damage. Showing pictures of rare occasions when they cause significant damage is just trying to scare people into acting like you want them to. It’s like not wanting someone to cross the road and showing them photos of traffic accidents to stop them.

Easy to say when you’re not recovering from one.
They should be scared.
Part of parenting is showing BOTH sides of behaviors.
Not just the “fun” stuff.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Easy to say when you’re not recovering from one.
They should be scared.
Part of parenting is showing BOTH sides of behaviors.
Not just the “fun” stuff.

The damage is done now. Trying to scare them with rare complications will just look petty. But, one thing the OP should keep in mind is that although it’s a bit more sturdy than most, a navel piercing is still just a surface piercing and prone to rejection. Rejection can happen even after the piercing has been healthy and worn for years, so just keep an eye out.

 

[lax16]

So I “discover” that my wife and three daughters had a “fun time together” and got themselves belly piercings…daughters are 12,13 and 15.

They knew I don’t like piercings other than the ear and this was the first time there are such anywhere else.

Don’t like 'em, think they are trashy, etc.

Do I have a right to be PO’d?

1. Give your wife the benefit of the doubt and let her explain why she did this. Maybe she thought you wouldn’t care or it was a spontaneous decision.
2. If she knew better and did it anyway, yes, you have a right to be angry.
3. A Red flag to me is when a mom tries to be hip, a friend instead of a mom, and frankly, immature. I would want to know if this is happening, because this could be the beginning of some loose ideas about other issues.

 

[Loly_Maria]

Easy to say when you’re not recovering from one.
They should be scared.
Part of parenting is showing BOTH sides of behaviors.
Not just the “fun” stuff.

Well then it’s easy to say that it’s okay to cross the road when you’re not recovering from being hit by a car. Piercings are very common now and they very rarely cause any major problems.