Piercings - out of line?

[Kelfa28]

Google:“Failed body piercings”, body piercing infections, mistakes, you get the idea.
Then, take them all to a Doctor that is sympathetic to explain the potential for tremendous damage and infection. But once they se the pictures, I think they’ll all have the objects removed.
Stupid.
Just plain stupid.
Yes, you have a right to be angry. But don’t make it about “obedience” or expect them all to lash back at you in tremendous anger. You have to come at this from a medical perspective at this point. The damage is done.
But yeah, I’d have a serious conversation with your wife. Are you partners in parenting, or not?

While I do agree with you…the damage has been done…as another poster has mentioned. Especially since the oldest and mom got it done…I highly doubt trying to scare the girls will do anything.

However, naval piercings are on of the hardest piercings to take care of, one of the easiest to become infected and also it takes the longest to heal.

I hope the girls will either remove the piercings or learn to love dial soap and are responsible enough to take care of the piercing for months.

When I had mine done…I took good care of it…and then made the mistake of putting the wrong type of jewelry in after it had “healed”…it promptly got infected and I had to take it out and it closed up very soon after.
I was 19 when that happened.

Now, thanks to several pregnancies…it’s just a big, ugly, stretched out scar. It looks ridiculous and I wish I never bothered.

I share the same opinion as you. Personally as I see it, our “bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). So I don’t know why you would want to put tattoos and piercings, which I consider to be akin to graffiti, on one.

Which is a perfectly valid opinion to have except that this doesn’t pertain to the situation at all.
Plenty of good Catholics have body piercings and tattoos. I’m one of them…though I only have tattoos now as the military has seen fit to make me remove all of my non-regulation piercings (all that I had except for the lobes of the ear).

The situation is more in line of is it appropriate for a wife to overstep her husband’s wishes.

It’s also a situation that is more in line of is it appropriate for a 12 year old to have a naval piercing…setting aside the argument that all tattoos and piercings are “wrong”.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Of course you have a right to be upset. Do you have any doubt whether your wife would even *wonder *if she had a right to be upset when she made it clear she was strenuously opposed to something and yet you went off with the children and did it behind her back, anyway? And “for fun” yet? Is she saying that giving your wishes a big fat strawberry and teaching your three daughters to do the same is her idea of a good time?

I would be livid if my husband was so flippant about that level of disrespect for my feelings. I’d also ask her what she will do when her daughters go off and do something like that against her wishes.

I say this as someone who holds the “it is easier to get forgiveness than permission” principle as a particular pet peeve. It is like committing a sin with the plan of confessing the sin, having weighed the “penance” as “worth it” in advance. When someone willfully does something behind my back with the idea that I’ll be forced to forgive them later, it really rankles me. It is one of the most disrespectful, disloyal, and–let me be really blunt–underhanded attitudes someone can have. It is a direct attack on my trust, too, because I know that turning my back is all it takes for my wishes to be kicked unceremoniously into a corner.

Easter Joy- you nailed it.

You can’t be a team, raising children together if the other person blatantly disregards your feelings or (name removed by moderator)ut. If your wife and girls all knew this was something you disapproved of and your wife went ahead with it anyway— that sends an extremely powerful message to your daughters on what respect and deference should be given to your opinion or guidance. Your daughters are getting into some dangerous years, where your guidance is critical. Mom going to also poo-poo things like curfews? Rules on dating, having boys in the house when you aren’t around? Where your daughters are allowed to go in the car once they can drive? (Mom’s setting herself up on this too-- if they can disregard Dad when he’s being ‘unreasonable’ in their opinion, if they can disregard one parent-- -why not the other? She’s also setting up the precedent of playing Mom/Dad off against each other. Always thought I’d want my kids to see a united front from their parents on everything.)

Undermining the other parent is bad for kids.

I would ask her why she did this? Why did she want to show her daughters it’s fine to ignore their father on this? Why, now that she has set this example, would they follow your wishes in the future? Does she still expect you to back her up in guidance to your kids, especially when you disagree with her on it? Why will the kids even listen to you when you’re backing her up, why won’t they see that as being unreasonable as well? They’ll just see both of you as being unreasonable. Thats’ what undermining authority does…

My three kids have been living with me full time since my ex decided to move out and live about three miles away. I wouldn’t do something like this, do something with my kids I know she’d disapprove of without discussing it with her. I don’t think she would do so either. I don’t keep confidences with them that I think their mother should know, the kids get the choice to tell her themselves in X days, or I will tell her.

 

[Anglewannabe]

They knew I don’t like piercings other than the ear and this was the first time there are such anywhere else.

With all dues respect, there is a very big gap between ‘they know I don’t like them’ and ‘they know I have forbidden them’. From the sounds of your post, it comes across as the first situation. So unless you have explicitly had a talk with your wife before this happened, technically, your wife did not do anything wrong. Very few mother / daughters outings consider what dad thinks of the shade of nail polish they are going to buy or which wrist bracelet they will get.

But I must admit, this is a switch for me. My dad is the one who got my ears pierced and bought me my first bottle of nail polish against my mom’s wishes. It didn’t make me think I could pit one parent against another. I knew which issues were big and non-negotiable and I knew which issues were small and which parent to get it from. The only thing it did was make me think my dad had more power in the marriage, which in itself, could be disrespectful to my mom.

 

[EasterJoy]

OP, I think the way to handle this is to stay calm and simply take your wife aside privately and say: If you thought I’d be OK with this once I saw them, you thought wrong. I want you to go to the girls and tell them you were mistaken about how I felt about this. Have them take the navel piercings out and tell them they are to keep them out until they are 18 (or until whenever your state will allow them to get that kind of piercing without parental permission).

Then tell your wife that you will defend her choice to do it herself by saying you won’t say a word against hers and won’t say anything to the girls if they get them when they are old enough, except to say that you’re biting your tongue about what you really think.

Then talk. Stay calm, be willing to believe that her disrespectful act was not in fact meant in any such way, stick to the truth that you have as much say in this as she does when it comes to the girls and that both of you ought to be in favor before it is done, and listen to what your wife says. As for her piercing, tell her you are not wild about piercings but you are wild about her. You can’t lie and say you like them, but you love her a lot more than you dislike those horrible things. You’d live in an ugly house if it made her happy, and you’ll learn to live with this…but as for the girls, stick with the principle that you both ought to agree on these non-essentials or else let the girls go without.

 

[GreyWings]

I used to have my belly button pierced. I took it out. It was just a phase. After a while it just got in the way with wearing pants and belts.

Thankfully you can take a piercing out, but I have a little mark on my belly button now, which I might use cosmetic treatment to correct, or perhaps cover with a cosmetic tattoo to make it look like a beauty mark (mole) instead of a piercing scar.

 

[Mark121359]

This is just my opinion, and reading some of the posts here it’s probably an unpopular one. But I have never quite understood the current tattoo craze. Half the time, I believe people get them on a whim, or simply because their friend has one or what have you. I try to think of it from a Catholic perspective. If they were living in modern times, would a Therese of Lisieux, or a Bernadette Soubirous, a Maria Goretti *or insert your favorite female saint here *ever consider getting one? Can you imagine any one of these three with a naval piercing? Having read extensively about two of the above saints, the answer would be…heck no!

Also, I can’t help but wonder how it will look as you begin to age. You know…that natural process that catches up to all of us eventually. That beautiful eagle or flamingo you have tattooed on your arm will probably begin to look like *roadkill *before it’s all said and done.

Just throwing in my proverbial :twocents:

Peace, Mark

 

[Loly_Maria]

I try to think of it from a Catholic perspective. If they were living in modern times, would a Therese of Lisieux, or a Bernadette Soubirous, a Maria Goretti *or insert your favorite female saint here *ever consider getting one? Can you imagine any one of these three with a naval piercing? Having read extensively about two of the above saints, the answer would be…heck no!

Also, I can’t help but wonder how it will look as you begin to age. You know…that natural process that catches up to all of us eventually. That beautiful eagle or flamingo you have tattooed on your arm will probably begin to look like *roadkill *before it’s all said and done.

Just throwing in my proverbial :twocents:

Peace, Mark

St Therese and St Bernadette may have gotten them if they were living in this time, I don’t see why not. Maria Goretti was a child and children cannot legally get tattooed.

Tattooed people know that the tattoos will look different as they age, it’s part of the experience.

 

[Mark121359]

St Therese and St Bernadette may have gotten them if they were living in this time, I don’t see why not. Maria Goretti was a child and children cannot legally get tattooed.

Tattooed people know that the tattoos will look different as they age, it’s part of the experience.

You couldn’t be more seriously flawed with the above comments. When you consider what both of these two individuals believed about vanity, and how their exceptional parents reared the both of them, it leads me to believe that you haven’t read too much about either of them. I suggest you read “The Story of a Family: The Home of St. Therese of Lisieux” by Rev. Fr. Stephane-Joseph Piat and see if you still come away believing what you posted here. Both of her parents, Zélie and Louis Martin will be canonized in October by the way.

***Peace, Mark ***

 

[Loly_Maria]

You couldn’t be more seriously flawed with the above comments. When you consider what both of these two individuals believed about vanity, and how their exceptional parents reared the both of them, it leads me to believe that you haven’t read too much about either of them. I suggest you read “The Story of a Family: The Home of St. Therese of Lisieux” by Rev. Fr. Stephane-Joseph Piat and see if you still come away believing what you posted here. Both of her parents, Zelie and Louis Martin will be canonized in October by the way.

***Peace, Mark ***

I’ve read a lot about both of them. Tattoos aren’t just about vanity and the Church doesn’t say that they are not allowed, so with how common tattoos are now there is no reason why there wouldn’t be tattooed Saints in the future.

 

[Mark121359]

I’ve read a lot about both of them. Tattoos aren’t just about vanity and the Church doesn’t say that they are not allowed, so with how common tattoos are now there is no reason why there wouldn’t be tattooed Saints in the future.

You can’t seem to grasp the holiness of these two, and their deep love for the Virgin Mary and the way they looked upon her as a role model. For that matter the entire Martin family. By your way of thinking, I suppose that you’d also believe that the Blessed Virgin Mary would consider tattoos and piercings if living here in this time. By the way, good luck with the bolded above!

Peace, Mark

 

[DarkLight]

You can’t seem to grasp the holiness of these two, and their deep love for the Virgin Mary and the way they looked upon her as a role model. For that matter the entire Martin family. By your way of thinking, I suppose that you’d also believe that the Blessed Virgin Mary would consider tattoos and piercings if living here in this time. By the way, good luck with the bolded above!

Peace, Mark

Actually yes, sometimes I picture the Virgin with a tattoo of her Son.

 

[Allegra]

I agree with most of the other posters, with the caveat that the OP’s wife was fully aware of the OP’s distaste for them and objection to his daughters getting one.

I don’t necessarily have a problem with piercings and tattoos in general. However, I questions the purpose of putting jewelry on your navel. It seems to me that this would go along with the intention of showing one’s navel to others. Why would a twelve year old be doing this? Why would a mother, who is supposed to be her daughter’s main role model of Christian modestly, encourage this? There is also a higher risk of infection and injury to a navel ring than other piercings because of sweat and the chance of getting it caught in clothing. I don’t know if the OP actually discussed these concerns with his wife prior to this, or if he just privately felt they were “trashy”, but if he did, I think it was enormously disrespectful and harmful for the wife to go behind his back.

 

[DarkLight]

I agree with most of the other posters, with the caveat that the OP’s wife was fully aware of the OP’s distaste for them and objection to his daughters getting one.

I don’t necessarily have a problem with piercings and tattoos in general. However, I questions the purpose of putting jewelry on your navel. It seems to me that this would go along with the intention of showing one’s navel to others. Why would a twelve year old be doing this? Why would a mother, who is supposed to be her daughter’s main role model of Christian modestly, encourage this? There is also a higher risk of infection and injury to a navel ring than other piercings because of sweat and the chance of getting it caught in clothing. I don’t know if the OP actually discussed these concerns with his wife prior to this, or if he just privately felt they were “trashy”, but if he did, I think it was enormously disrespectful and harmful for the wife to go behind his back.

I do think this is something some women do for themselves. I know I enjoy having pretty/“sexy” stuff even knowing that as a single woman no one will ever see it. So I don’t think it necessarily indicates an intention to show that area off.

That said, I definitely agree going behind the father’s back was extremely inappropriate, especially if the mother was aware of his opinion.

 

[EasterJoy]

I used to have my belly button pierced. I took it out. It was just a phase. After a while it just got in the way with wearing pants and belts.

Thankfully you can take a piercing out, but I have a little mark on my belly button now, which I might use cosmetic treatment to correct, or perhaps cover with a cosmetic tattoo to make it look like a beauty mark (mole) instead of a piercing scar.

I have so many scars all over me from my childhood, I can’t imagine worrying about a navel-pierce scar. As we say in my family, I was ruined as a show dog a long time ago!

Now, those people with the nickel-sized loop in their ear lobes, that is something else again. When that goes out of style (and everything does) or those lobes give out, there are going to be some plastic surgeons with a long line of patients to sew up.

 

[Allegra]

I do think this is something some women do for themselves. I know I enjoy having pretty/“sexy” stuff even knowing that as a single woman no one will ever see it. So I don’t think it necessarily indicates an intention to show that area off.

That said, I definitely agree going behind the father’s back was extremely inappropriate, especially if the mother was aware of his opinion.

“Women” being operative word. I have doubts about the ability of the average tween to differentiate. I expect that the message received is that the navel is suddenly an area to show off to others.

 

[Loly_Maria]

You can’t seem to grasp the holiness of these two, and their deep love for the Virgin Mary and the way they looked upon her as a role model. For that matter the entire Martin family. By your way of thinking, I suppose that you’d also believe that the Blessed Virgin Mary would consider tattoos and piercings if living here in this time. By the way, good luck with the bolded above!

Peace, Mark

There is no reason why a tattooed person can’t be holy or love Mary. Catholics are allowed to have tattoos therefore future Saints are allowed to have tattoos.

I do think this is something some women do for themselves. I know I enjoy having pretty/“sexy” stuff even knowing that as a single woman no one will ever see it. So I don’t think it necessarily indicates an intention to show that area off.

I agree with this. When I had a navel piercing only a few people ever saw it. I just liked having it.

 

[Jelrak_TB]

I have so many scars all over me from my childhood, I can’t imagine worrying about a navel-pierce scar. As we say in my family, I was ruined as a show dog a long time ago!

Now, those people with the nickel-sized loop in their ear lobes, that is something else again. When that goes out of style (and everything does) or those lobes give out, there are going to be some plastic surgeons with a long line of patients to sew up.

I agree. I recently met a family whose 12-year-old boy has those buttons in his ears so he can be like his dad. Goodbye future job prospects…

 

[Tbrightson]

Thanks All for the replies.

To clarify; I don’t remember explicitly “forbidding” them, but I was never asked and given the opportunity to “forbid”. But they certainly knew I did not like anything other than ear piercings…The fact they tried to hide these piercings from me attests to that.

Yes I did chew my wife out and gave many of the objections raised here. she said absolutely nothing and today pretended like nothing happended. I think my wife is too permissive. This is not the first time she has done things behind my back. the last major incident was having grandpa buy the kids iphones behind my back even though I disapproved. I think the social media aspect of them gives then access to too much garbage and is turning one of my kids into a narcissist. I was only ok with just a flip phone.
Imagine my delight when looking thru my 12 yr olds instagram thread I see a link to a video talking about oral sex.

I am completely ignored, and when I do blow up its not good and am told to leave the house. We almost separated over my temper. I am not sure what to do with this repeated insolence. I feel I am just an ATM machine. Wasn’t an issue when they were younger as we didn’t face these “grown up” issues. Seems I am growing more in the faith while the kids and wife are rolling there eyes over it.

Oh well what do you do? Next time the wife needs a few dollars to carry her over on the expenses she takes care of, I feel like stating since you have money for piercings you should have enough money.

 

[DarkLight]

This sounds like your wife doesn’t have much respect for you as a father. Would she be willing to go to marital counseling, or at least talk to a priest together? You really need to get on the same page with regard to raising the kids.

 

[Tbrightson]

This sounds like your wife doesn’t have much respect for you as a father. Would she be willing to go to marital counseling, or at least talk to a priest together? You really need to get on the same page with regard to raising the kids.

I suggested. We went to secular counseling years ago, and she said it didn’t work…told me the counselor told her privately, “there is nothing I can do for you”; something to the extent I am too “old school” and there is nothing he can do about it. (real nice eh?) So she feels there is nothing to be done for “my problem”. I have half a mind to leave and let them live like the white trash in the local projects whom all have plenty of $ for tats,piercings and iphones. BTW in regards to my “temper” she has no problem asking for the “heavy” in me to come out and play when the kids don’t listen to her…

Just really fed up.