Planning a funeral for a Catholic whose family is not practicing

[Phemie]

A long-time parishioner has died and I’ve been tasked to help plan the funeral (the person who normally does this is on holidays). At first it looked like it would be a simple thing, since the family didn’t want a Mass, just the Funeral Liturgy. How wrong I was.

Their idea of a proper recessional? Ring of Fire ! Can they not see the multitude of ways in which this is not appropriate even if secular music was allowed?? “But Johnny Cash was his favorite singer!”

They don’t want the appropriate readings, they want Psalm 23 but they don’t want it sung. Basically, they want a DIY funeral and are only coming to the Church because Dad was Catholic.

Father is at a total loss because he’s not used to dealing with anything but the liturgy after everything is planned. He was there when I was in discussion with the niece and he didn’t have a clue what we were talking about. He’s a missionary from India and although his English is good, I don’t think he got 1/10th of the conversation and he certainly has no idea what Ring of Fire is. Luckily we have written directions for how a funeral is to be done and the niece, who is a practicing Catholic and has been the go-between for the family with the parish, will give it to them and suggest that they have a choice to make.

 

[TheLittleLady]

It is fine to have the Responsoral Psalm recited instead of sung.

Call your Diocese if you do not have the books that tell you the readings that may be selected for what is colloquially called a “Deacon’s Service Funeral”.

They may play the Johnny Cash song after the interment, at the funeral lunch, at the visitation.

Going forward, we have found it is helpful to provide a list of songs and ask the family to select from that list.

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

Maybe suggest that they can do some of this stuff at a reception afterward? Like if they want to play dad’s favorite music and all that, great, just maybe do it at the luncheon.

 

[Phemie]

They were given a binder with all the appropriate readings. They don’t want that. They want to do their own thing, including not using the Canadian Lectionary for the one reading that they’ve agreed to. They don’t like that translation apparently.

As for the music, we do have a binder with all the songs they can choose from if they opt for our choir to do the singing. They aren’t using our choir, they’re using their own musicians and so whatever is sung will be accompanied by guitar and accordion. The Entrance Hymn will be “Beyond the Rain” and then there will be no singing until the recessional.

 

[Phemie]

Maybe suggest that they can do some of this stuff at a reception afterward? Like if they want to play dad’s favorite music and all that, great, just maybe do it at the luncheon.

The niece suggested that but they weren’t going for it.

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

Maybe (gently) remind them that their dad was a Catholic, and presumably would’ve wanted them to follow the Catholic tradition in his funeral?

 

[Phemie]

Maybe (gently) remind them that their dad was a Catholic, and presumably would’ve wanted them to follow the Catholic tradition in his funeral?

The niece did ask them why they were coming to the Catholic Church since they obviously didn’t want a Catholic funeral. They want the holy water and incense, nothing else about the Funeral Rite seems to appeal to them.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

When I went to plan a funeral, I was given a book, told what I needed to choose (readings and hymns) and given the list of approved choices for each of those things.

You didn’t get to pick stuff not in the book or do stuff not in the book. I have seen one Catholic service where the only child of the deceased was allowed to go up at what would normally be the “announcements” time of the Mass, and read a short reflection about the parent. That is pretty much the only deviation I have seen.

Why can’t you just tell these people, “look, this is how it is going to be, here’s what you get to pick from, and no we are not doing Ring of Fire.”

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

I think this is going to happen more and more with both weddings and funerals. If someone isn’t a practicing Catholic all these rules about what readings can be used and what songs can be used seem arbitrary and mean

 

[angel12]

Going forward, we have found it is helpful to provide a list of songs and ask the family to select from that list.

That’s what my parish does. I appreciated that when I had to arrange my husband’s funeral – fewer decisions to make.

 

[TheLittleLady]

If your deceased loved one was in the Military, the family may opt for certain honors at the funeral. There are rules and these things are done in a specific way. You cannot ask the bugler to play “My Way” instead of Taps.

Your boss has rules about how you do your job.

The city has rules about how high you can grow your grass or how loud you play your music.

Folks who see every rule as mean and arbitrary are going to have a very rough time navigating through life!

 

[Augustinian]

Their idea of a proper recessional? Ring of Fire ! Can they not see the multitude of ways in which this is not appropriate even if secular music was allowed?? “But Johnny Cash was his favorite singer!”

I guess you can just tell the people that “homey don’t play that”, and the way it has to be in the Catholic Church. Most people can appreciate that there are rules. If they want a DIY funeral, I guess they can plan it with their funeral director and do it in the cemetery’s chapel. But it wouldn’t be a Catholic funeral.

 

[Phemie]

I think this is going to happen more and more with both weddings and funerals. If someone isn’t a practicing Catholic all these rules about what readings can be used and what songs can be used seem arbitrary and mean

Part of the problem is that we have so many Catholics in mixed marriages and in our small town we attend funerals in each other’s churches. They see what’s done in the UCC/Baptist/Anglican/Pentecostal/Salvation Army parishes and they want the same things. They simply don’t understand what a Catholic funeral is about, whether it’s a Funeral Mass or simply a Funeral Liturgy outside of Mass.

Most of the funerals around here have a big slide show detailing the life of the deceased during the funeral as well as multiple eulogies. We’ve mandated that they can have 15 minutes, beginning at the announced time of the funeral, for these things.

Then the sanctuary is cleared (yes, big screen set up in the sanctuary) of everything, the family returns to the back of the church where Fr. does the Greeting and the Reception of the Body to begin the Funeral Mass/Liturgy. This is a big win for us where one occasion saw a trapper’s tent pitched in the sanctuary in front of the Tabernacle for the entirety of the Mass.

 

[Irishmom2]

"If you want a Catholic funeral, this is what you choose from, this is what is done. If you want ‘Ring of Fire’ you should plan a service with your funeral director and have it elsewhere. The Church has everything planned according to its rules already. "

 

[Augustinian]

If you want a Catholic funeral, this is what you choose from

I think all the choices makes some people think that everything is on the menu.

Like going to a restaurant with 40 page menus. The waitress gives you this tome, and you don’t even look at it- just wing it and guess or ask the girl what they suggest.

When I’ve been in this same position, I always just deferred to choice of reading and hymns to the priest. The man knows his business, its his livelihood, his life’s work. He knows what works out.

 

[ShowersofRoses]

"If you want a Catholic funeral, this is what you choose from, this is what is done. If you want ‘Ring of Fire’ you should plan a service with your funeral director and have it elsewhere. The Church has everything planned according to its rules already. "

I guess you can just tell the people that “homey don’t play that”, and the way it has to be in the Catholic Church. Most people can appreciate that there are rules. If they want a DIY funeral, I guess they can plan it with their funeral director and do it in the cemetery’s chapel. But it wouldn’t be a Catholic funeral.

Why can’t you just tell these people, “look, this is how it is going to be, here’s what you get to pick from, and no we are not doing Ring of Fire.”

All of the above. It sounds like you just need to be incredibly firm and tell them that if they wish to honor him with a Catholic funeral, they will have to adhere to the rules. Otherwise, they can have the funeral director plan it at the funeral home’s chapel.

They can certainly have slideshows and eulogies and Johnny cash music at the reception afterward. They should respect the deceased by giving him a proper Catholic funeral, but you can’t convince some people of anything logical.

 

[Phemie]

Irishmom2:

"If you want a Catholic funeral, this is what you choose from, this is what is done. If you want ‘Ring of Fire’ you should plan a service with your funeral director and have it elsewhere. The Church has everything planned according to its rules already. "

I guess you can just tell the people that “homey don’t play that”, and the way it has to be in the Catholic Church. Most people can appreciate that there are rules. If they want a DIY funeral, I guess they can plan it with their funeral director and do it in the cemetery’s chapel. But it wouldn’t be a Catholic funeral.

Why can’t you just tell these people, “look, this is how it is going to be, here’s what you get to pick from, and no we are not doing Ring of Fire.”

All of the above. It sounds like you just need to be incredibly firm and tell them that if they wish to honor him with a Catholic funeral, they will have to adhere to the rules. Otherwise, they can have the funeral director plan it at the funeral home’s chapel.

They can certainly have slideshows and eulogies and Johnny cash music at the reception afterward. They should respect the deceased by giving him a proper Catholic funeral, but you can’t convince some people of anything logical.

I had given the outline of the service to the niece before but today I brought her the policies and a detailed description of what they could have and not have. She was very thankful and her last words to me were, "I’m going to show them this and say ‘You either follow this format with these options and have a Catholic funeral liturgy, or you go it yourself at home or at the funeral home and then go bury his ashes at the cabin. It’s not a do it yourself thing.’ "

He died on a plane as he was being medevaced to a larger centre “for tests”. His death was not expected so I’m sure there is still shock involved. He was taken directly to the morgue, then taken by one funeral home to the crematorium, cremated, and ashes returned to our local funeral home which released them to the widow. Funeral home is no longer involved at this point.

 

[ShowersofRoses]

Sounds like you and the niece are doing the exact right thing. Sorry you’ve been dealing with this headache. I’m going to say a prayer for the deceased and his family…may he rest in peace.

 

[Phemie]

Just got a phone call: “Would you do one of the readings at my uncle’s funeral?”

“Sure. Did they decide to go with the Church after all?”
"They aren’t responding to my calls. They told me what they wanted, which doesn’t jibe with what the Church wants. They left it up to me to prepare the funeral so I’m going with what the Church wants. I’ve spoken to one of the choir members and she’ll sing an Entrance Hymn and “The Songs of the Angels” at the end, and then the guys who were going to sing both times will sing “After the Rain” for the recessional. If they don’t like it they can lump it.

I’ll call one of the other readers and you two can do a better job of the readings than people who aren’t interested in reading in church."

Ouf! That’s a load off my mind.

 

[Augustinian]

I’ll call one of the other readers and you two can do a better job of the readings than people who aren’t interested in reading in church."

Ouf! That’s a load off my mind.

Good, they were insistent for a while (probably thinking there was more flexibility in the rules) but you stuck with it, and they realized that the church had rules about this.

And now they are fine with it.