Planning a future with a non-Catholic...or not?

[PaxAeterna]

My boyfriend and I started dating in September 2012, our first semester of college. We lived on the same floor of our dorm building, so we spent all of our free time together and got very serious very quickly. I was his first kiss and first girlfriend, and I had just gotten out of a year-long relationship the preceding summer.

Lately, we have begun talking about the future more seriously than we ever had before. He knows that I’m Catholic and that I’m strong in my faith, but until now I don’t think he fully understood the implications of that.

He doesn’t want to get married until he has graduated from college. I agree. He doesn’t want to have children until he has all of his student loans (around $36,000) paid off. I’m not so sure about that. He doesn’t want to use natural family planning because he doesn’t trust it (I pointed out that my parents used it, and he pointed out that my parents ended up with six children, one of whom was born when both were in their forties). I have a problem with that.

He comes to Mass with me every once in a while, usually after much pleading on my part, but he wasn’t raised in a faithful home. He believes in God, but he doesn’t know the Lord’s Prayer. I’m getting scared that I will have to sacrifice our future together. I don’t know how to make him understand how important these things are to me.

I tried to loan him a book about the Catholic faith, but he said he would read it only if I read a book he had suggested to me that I wasn’t interested in. I don’t know what else to do without scaring him off. To someone raised without organized religion, talking to a priest can be a little daunting. Does anyone have any other ideas?

 

[MichaelHowling]

He does not sound interested in Catholicism at this time… and you can’t “force” it on him and try to “change him”…you can’t force anyone into a love relationship with Christ… love doesn’t work that way.

First…it’s ok he’s not interested in becoming catholic at this time.

The most important things you need to be worried about right now is that

1. He will not get in the way of you practicing your Catholicism or teaching it to your children.
2. That he is willing to RESPECT you and your right to practice.
3. That he’s open to truth when and where he finds it and is willing to follow it.
4. Is he a man that will help you come to know God or get to heaven (the main reason for marriage).

If any of the above is lacking…then that could be a game changer. These are non-negotiables.

Apart from that, pray for him and practice your Catholicism rightly and fully and daily…if he still loves you and respects you…he will love and respect your Catholicism. The holy spirit and truth are contagious…God can work with him where he’s at.

DONT BE PUSHY…that can be a HUGE turn off… (you need to respect him too).

 

[bsroufek]

PlEASE don’t make the very terrible mistake of marrying a non-Catholic, or even seriously dating one. It is sin, separation, hardship and bitter disappointment if you take your Faith seriously.

Find a Catholic, but even if you never do, leave this man.

 

[KCT]

I tried to loan him a book about the Catholic faith, but he said he would read it only if I read a book he had suggested to me that I wasn’t interested in. I don’t know what else to do without scaring him off.

I don’t get the book comment. Was it a tit for tat type of thing? I’ll only do this if you do that?

 

[Xantippe]

“I’m getting scared that I will have to sacrifice our future together. I don’t know how to make him understand how important these things are to me.”

I don’t think you can do that. Have a look at the posts from people in mixed marriages to see how much misery may be in store for both of you if you pursue this relationship. Think about what kind of family and what kind of marriage you want and pursue a spouse accordingly, rather than trying to mold your boyfriend into the desired shape.

 

[Xantippe]

Also, I don’t know how much you can have in common if neither of you is interested in reading a book the other recommends. This should be the stage in your relationship where you’d happily swim the Great Lakes at a whim from your sweetie and neither of you is willing to even read a book. This is not a great sign for your future, religion aside.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Let me describe the family in our little parish. The husband got married to a Catholic girl, in their 30’s because they would not date anyone who wasn’t a practicing Catholic. They have little ones now and they get to see daddy go up and kiss the icons. (we are Eastern Rite) and they know icons and that they get kissed. I saw daddy carrying the littlest one in his arms when we had a feast day and the priest anoints with oil. The little fella had the best seat in the house, watching daddy get the oil on his forehead in the sign of a cross. As they walked back to the pew, the little guy traced the sign of the cross on daddy’s forehead, like the priest had done. Daddy had a HUGE smile. I had tears.

Being Catholic means children see daddy kneeling in church, praying, holding his wife’s hand and praying together. They see daddy standing in line for confession and he makes sure the kids have the opportunity to go too. Daddy shuts off the TV and has a rosary in his hand. The parents have an icon table or statue to the Blessed Mother in their home, and it gets used. When mommy is sick, daddy takes the kids to church, and if he needs to split up the kids and go twice, he will. Catholic fathers know the faith and can teach the virtues. Have a look here…en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_virtues He gives thanks to God at the supper table, and when out somewhere. He puts the sign of the cross on his children to receive a blessing at bedtime. He observes Lent and the calendar of the Church, which is so rich and wonderful. When thing get tough, and they will, he’s on his knees, pulling down graces, for his family, his neighborhood, and the world.

I can tell you, coming from an unbelieving home, a faithful spouse is priceless. Please consider that your children and* grandchildren* depend on the choice you make in a spouse. Don’t settle for less.

Scripture says:
Do not yoke yourselves in a mismatch with unbelievers. What do righteousness and lawlessness have in common, or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What common lot between believer and unbeliever?..You are the temple of the living God, just as God has said:
"I will dwell with them and walk among them.
I will be their God and they shall be my people.
Therefore, ‘Come out from among them and separate yourselves from them’, says the
Lord. 2 Cor 6:14

The choice before Israel, and us as well…
"Here, then, I have today set before you life and prosperity, death and doom. If you obey the commandments of the Lord your God, which I enjoin on you today, loving him, and walking in his ways, and keeping his commandments, statutes and decrees, you will live and grow numerous, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to occupy. …I call heaven and earth today to witness against you: I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. Choose life, then, that you and your descendants may live, by loving the Lord your God, heeding his voice, and holding fast to him. Deut 30:15

Think hard and be sober in your judgement. May God strengthen your resolve to have a Catholic home and family.

 

[fastenatingguy]

You have at least two years before you graduate. A lot can happen in that time. You will both continue to mature. Remember, guys (like me) are typically juvenile into their 20’s.

As others have said, LIVE your faith. A non-believer is not going to be talked into becoming Catholic, but he can be LEAD there–by your example as a loving disciple of Christ and His Church.

There is plenty of good advice that has been posted from both ends.

 

[Kelfa28]

I wouldn’t advise marrying a man that isn’t Catholic.

It’s proven that children follow their father when it comes to the faith. Mom can do everything she can to Catechize her children, bring them to weekly/daily Mass and adoration, ensure they have a Catholic upbringing…but if her husband isn’t supportive or has no interest in the faith…the chances that the children will not continue with the faith are staggeringly high.

Marriage itself is hard enough…it doesn’t need to be that much harder when you are the only one dragging young children to Mass while your husband stays home. Or trying to practice NFP with a husband who is indifferent and unsympathetic…and could be downright hostile for each subsequent pregnancy after you’ve had 2 children. Or isn’t helping you out or contradicting you when it comes to teaching your children the faith because he disagrees with so much that the church teaches.

You don’t go into or continue a relationship with the hopes that you can convert them before you walk down the aisle.

It can happen. It actually happened with my husband and I. I was an ill-infomed, non-practicing Catholic who considered herself agnostic. My husband was raised Christian…and while he truly believed in Christ…he had been searching for his home for years and years.

He wanted to convert to Catholicism well before I was ready. He took a huge chance and decided to wait it out a little longer for my sake.
He had already converted me to Christianity in general…but I wasn’t on board with Catholicism just yet.
His waiting and praying did pay off and we went through RCIA together and became Catholics together.

How did my husband make it work with me? He convinced me of the Truth that is Christ. That is it. He convinced me that the bible was true and that the tomb was empty. He didn’t go into the weeds with history or the Church’s teachings.
He just waited for me to catch up with him in regards to what the Church taught.
He was also darn lucky. I could have spun off it a totally different direction.

Looking back and knowing what I know now…I really can’t recommend anyone go through what we did. It was stressful and we had some seriously huge bumps in the road.

You need to think about what it would be like if you brought children into this world. Your job is to rear them in the faith. Your job as a spouse is to get each other into heaven.

Is he able to fill any of these requirements?

 

[aemcpa]

Run, don’t walk, out of the relationship. It’s not worth it.

 

[Kit15]

He does not sound interested in Catholicism at this time… and you can’t “force” it on him and try to “change him”…you can’t force anyone into a love relationship with Christ… love doesn’t work that way.

First…it’s ok he’s not interested in becoming catholic at this time.

The most important things you need to be worried about right now is that

1. He will not get in the way of you practicing your Catholicism or teaching it to your children.
2. That he is willing to RESPECT you and your right to practice.
3. That he’s open to truth when and where he finds it and is willing to follow it.
4. Is he a man that will help you come to know God or get to heaven (the main reason for marriage).

If any of the above is lacking…then that could be a game changer. These are non-negotiables.

Apart from that, pray for him and practice your Catholicism rightly and fully and daily…if he still loves you and respects you…he will love and respect your Catholicism. The holy spirit and truth are contagious…God can work with him where he’s at.

DONT BE PUSHY…that can be a HUGE turn off… (you need to respect him too).

I am also married to a non-Catholic. I have no tale of misery to tell. On the contrary I have almost no regrets marrying the man I did. That being said I also advise against it because such men that fit MH’s guidelines are really rare. But I also won’t tell you to look a gift horse in the mouth either if you actually find a non-Catholic that brings you closer to God.

You also must be willing to accept that fact that he may never convert. If you can’t marry him as-is, you shouldn’t marry him at all.

Although you didn’t say it, nothing makes me cringe harder then when a couple says “we don’t let religion stand in the way of our love”. That means you either don’t take your religion seriously, you don’t take your love seriously, or you don’t take either seriously. Religion should be in the way. It should be that 800 lb. elephant in the room that demands to be acknowledged. It should make you uncomfortable and nervous and doubtful. It should make you talk and talk and talk and talk some more. Some marriages won’t realize their cross for some time. A mixed marriage will know theirs from Day 1. Don’t take this difference for granted. It is not a decision to take lightly.

 

[Nimzovik]

O,P, - Not.

 

[HandyAndy]

I always thought it was only the other religions that were secretly so prejudiced about the Catholic faith. I’ve heard these same things said from non Catholics about not getting hooked up with a Catholic. I am surprised to find it coming from Catholics, who really should have nothing to fear. Ours is a religion of** truth** and one of** love**. One’s life should be a lived example of this love. For we get it in abundance from Christ in the Eucharist. We are embraced at every mass and upon every visit.

When Jesus gathered the people to him, he did not segregate them into groups based on some belief system. He loved them all and he spoke with them all. God loves and is engaged with all his children…not just the “Catholics”. You must look for these qualities within the one you love. We need to move past all the labeling. I suspect we may be surprised at all the non “Catholics” that we will find inhabiting the kingdom of heaven. For God will judge the soul…not the label.
If with a click of our fingers we could be rid of all the labels, we would see each other as being more alike then we are different. All of us simply on our quest for the truth. Some have found it…some are still looking.

Love is the most important of all the commandments. If you both have found it, then you are fulfilling this commandment.
Unfortunately as mortal and fallible human beings, the church sets the bar pretty high…to be as Christ like as we can. I would not presume to be worthy of being close to any such claim. Very few us will attain such levels of purity. But we try…and we strive toward it.

Explain to him the whys involved in the things you do concerning your faith. Listen to the whys in the things he has trouble with going along with. Most you will find he doesn’t have a problem with and in time he may well adopt and eventually be joining an RCIA group. If he is willing to climb the mountains and swim the raging river to get to you…most of your requests will not be a big stretch for him.

If NFP is your sticking point…I think you would be surprised again at just how many Catholics don’t use it. It is one of many failings we are humbled by in the presence of God. He continues to love us. He longs to be with us. He will work with us.

Being a non Catholic is by no means a deal breaker. It is simply just one of the many things you will need to debate throughout your lives. Your communication skills will be the thing that will make or break your marriage. If neither of you can speak your mind and talk about your…“feelings”…hopes and dreams…it will be a struggle. And when I say talk…that’s not you talking and him listening. lol.
Communication peels back the layers. If you’re not a match without religion…you will never be a match with it.

 

[HandyAndy]

To give some cause for thought. I find some of the comments and the prejudices toward non Catholics, very much aligned with much of the worst of our history. Atrocities against one another, that were based on a principle, that not all men were created equal.

 

[stephe1987]

Communication is key, but all the communication in the world isn’t going to make two incompatible people become compatible.

You need to marry someone who will raise your children in the faith, and someone who will help lead you to heaven (and you lead your spouse to heaven).

The purpose of dating is to discern marriage. If someone isn’t right, that is fine; most people don’t marry the first person they date. But staying with someone who isn’t even interested in your point of view, who won’t even read a book you recommend, isn’t a good idea. You will look back and regret wasting these years on someone who wasn’t right for you.

I know it’s not a popular idea nowadays; we’re taught to be “accepting” and “tolerant” and that is good for friendships, but a spouse needs to be on your side. Too many people marry out of convenience rather than compatibility and later divorce. Or they shack up for years and never marry, but waste 5-10 years with the wrong person.

 

[HandyAndy]

Communication is key, but all the communication in the world isn’t going to make two incompatible people become compatible.

Exactly!

Two people that are incompatible, by its very definition, will not be compatible. They would not by definition be likely to strike up a romance or perhaps even speak to one another. Compatibility is finding someone that you simply want to spend every minute with…where time becomes your enemy. You feel it in the Eucharist and you feel it with that unique someone else…its an emotional bond.
If compatibility is being based purely on religious grounds…then I’m afraid you are fishing in a small pond.
I was at Mass last week and will be again this week…a very small pond indeed.

Good Luck.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I don’t think you can do that. Have a look at the posts from people in mixed marriages to see how much misery may be in store for both of you if you pursue this relationship. Think about what kind of family and what kind of marriage you want and pursue a spouse accordingly, rather than trying to mold your boyfriend into the desired shape.

Excellent advice. Discern what you want and then look for a man who shares your values and goals and has the same vision of life together. Married life can be hard and presents many challenges. When you are not on the same page about what you believe things are even harder. My husband is not Catholic and we struggle over this. Also, it can be very lonely to not be able to share your faith with your husband. Very lonely.

 

[aemcpa]

Exactly!

Two people that are incompatible, by its very definition, will not be compatible. They would not by definition be likely to strike up a romance or perhaps even speak to one another. Compatibility is finding someone that you simply want to spend every minute with…where time becomes your enemy. You feel it in the Eucharist and you feel it with that unique someone else…its an emotional bond.
If compatibility is being based purely on religious grounds…then I’m afraid you are fishing in a small pond.
I was at Mass last week and will be again this week…a very small pond indeed.

Good Luck.

It’s not a unique someone else. You don’t need to find your “soul mate”. And yes, you should be fishing in the small pond of high-quality fish.

 

[HandyAndy]

It’s not a unique someone else. You don’t need to find your “soul mate”. And yes, you should be fishing in the small pond of high-quality fish.

Too late. Already found her and she chose a non Catholic.

 

[aemcpa]

Too late. Already found her and she chose a non Catholic.

I missed the post stating that they are now married.