Planning to move soon--which US cities are the least xenophobic to (most accepting of) Asian men?

[CaliLobo]

As you know from my previous posts, I’m not ashamed to say that there is nothing more I want than to be married to a woman I love, who loves me back. I’m 33 now, and meeting my future wife is a priority for me. I feel young, but I can’t waste my time.

I’ve concluded that as much as I enjoy my work, I will not stay in the government career comfort zone at the cost of not finding my future wife. New Mexicans are open and friendly, but the available women are too scarce. Everyone marries or has children too early, and the population here is just too small.

And I’ve already met the best woman in New Mexico, and it didn’t work out…

Therefore, I plan on moving out of New Mexico soon.

But, to where? Which US cities are not xenophobic, and accept Asians? I am an Asian man that is interested in dating white women.

I also need work to survive. Which cities have a good job market for attorneys, and have lots of single white women that are open-minded to dating an Asian-American like me?

It’s easy to rush and say LA, San Francisco, or Seattle. But in my experience, the more diverse cities are racially segregated. It’s possible to live your whole life in them, only mingling with your own kind. But I don’t want that. Though I’m proud of my Korean heritage, I’m more comfortable amidst Western culture, and I’m more attracted to white women.

But, the hidden discrimination that Asians face is real. It is a major topic of discussion in universities that have sizable Asian populations.

Whereas Asian women are accepted by Western society for their exotic beauty and willingness to let men take the lead, Asian men are discriminated because of negative images in Hollywood (passive, effeminate, geeky, etc), and lack of media representation. The glass ceilings that Asian men face are real. It doesn’t help that Asian men are shorter and that the Asian culture is still seen as foreign in America.

If you don’t believe me, answer this question: Why are there many more white man-Asian woman couples than vice versa?

No, most places in the US won’t lynch me for being Asian. Trust me, I’ve fearlessly driven through some Hickville cities, and deliberately stopped for gas, food, and touristy pictures (which most Asians hesitate to do!), and no one’s given me a dirty look. However, though I am open to getting to understand Hickville, would people in Hickville be my friend? Would they date me? Would they see me as an equal colleague at work? No. Hickville is xenophobic.

But on the other hand, the more diverse cities, despite their diversity, are segregated.

So going back to my original question. Finding my future wife is a priority for me. I still feel young, but I feel I have no time to waste. I am an Asian man that wants to date white women.

Which cities have a thriving legal job market, and have many single women who are open-minded to dating Asian men? Where can I find work as an attorney, and maximize my dating chances?

I’m NOT asking which cities have the highest Asian population. Instead, which cities are the least xenophobic to (most accepting of) Asian men, in terms of dating? It’s a fine distinction.

 

[Xantippe]

Hawaii is also a possibility. I get the feeling that there are a fair number of Asian male/white female couples there. One of my college roommates was from Hawaii and had an Asian dad and a white mom.

I wonder if Seattle has changed. My dad’s Japanese-American college roommate (also from Hawaii, I believe) married a white girl he met in Seattle, and that would have been in the late 1960s/early 1970s (my dad introduced them, as a matter of fact–she was from our home town). I wonder if the trick is finding a community large enough to have a number of Asians, but just small enough not to have the communities be entirely self-contained.

I wonder how Portland is? It was conspicuously missing from your list of major West Coast options.

“If you don’t believe me, answer this question: Why are there many more white man-Asian woman couples than vice versa?”

Oh, I totally believe you. There’s some funny stuff on this very subject in the Stuff White People Like books.

 

[Xantippe]

Speaking of ethnic preferences and dating, some of the stuff you mention applies equally well to Jewish men, and yet successful Jewish men do VERY well with dating non-Jewish women. (I have to confess that that’s kind of my type–my husband is Catholic, but he is of somewhat Jewish extraction, and very cerebral and not at all the Marlboro Man. But I didn’t want the Marlboro Man.) Look at Woody Allen–he’s not at all good looking, but he’s dated way, way above his attractiveness level.

I think it is possible to compensate.

 

[aTraditionalist]

I suggest you relocate where this is no Asian population. Total immersion is the key. I’m white, traveled/lived across the country, and have less than tolerant friends/family. Asians are not what most white folks fear, or label in my experience (if they are bigoted). If anything, your Asian genetics will help you stand out and your circle of friends will grow readily. For the record, I knew a mixed couple that was a married Korean man and white woman. It does happen, so hang in there but be open to all possibilities.

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[pensmama87]

You might try a city in the mid-Atlantic and/or Midwest. Many of them are not particularly diverse, but there aren’t ethnically defined neighborhhoods in the same way (some historical designation, maybe, but the populations are very fluid. Pittsburgh comes to mind - some people think of it as just an old steel town but it’s growing now and the people are very friendly.

 

[Richard_White]

Come to New York City, Westchester County, New York, or Fairfield County, Connecticut. There are a tremendous amount of law practices here, and, not to be wierd, but a lot of beautiful women! We are very accepting here, so I would say give it a try. Plus, it is very interesting and dynamic in the area.

 

[Layp3rs0n]

I second that the midatlantic is very welcoming of all ethnicities. I live in Maryland, near the capital. Here our asian population is exploding. My girlfriend is asian. I am white. Im actually a minority here. Its a tad socially liberal here but that aside, it’s a great place to live.

 

[Xantippe]

I just remembered–my dad’s Japanese-American Hawaiian roommate and his white small-town wife had a son that I went to college with. He in turn married a white woman and became a doctor (I forget in what order that happened or where they met).

Likewise, I just remembered that we used to be neighbors in Texas with a couple where the wife was white and a psychiatrist and the husband was Chinese-American and some other kind of doctor (but definitely a specialist).

So, based on personal experience, it seems to be more than possible for an Asian-American man to marry a white woman–if he’s a doctor.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Hmmm. I live in the Houston area, and there’s a fairly large Asian population here. Vietnamese, predominantly, though, rather than Korean. From what I see here, one can choose to live in a more “ghettoized” community (“ghetto” in the sense of a community from a single background, not in the negative sense in which it’s often used) or more in the mainstream, or sort of alternate back and forth between the two. For whatever it’s worth, my husband works for one of the big oil companies here, and when we go out socially with friends it’s a fairly mixed bunch, including Asian men.

Another point in the Houston area’s favor is that there are a LOT of young Catholic groups in which to meet people. I would even go so far as to say that young people (in the 18-35 year old sense) are the primary focus of the archdiocese, partly because we have several universities here, but also because Houston is a very “young” area due to the job boom. I know of several groups which meet throughout the week for Mass, Holy Hours, volunteer opportunities, Theology on Tap, and so on. And once again, due to the oil/energy job boom, these tend to be rather diverse groups because in oil and energy people don’t really care what you look like: the fact is, they care about the bottom line, and if you’re good at what you do, you’ll have a job.

 

[Xantippe]

Houston is a very good suggestion. If you can hack the climate, it does have a lot of positives, as UbiCaritas was pointing out. Also, it’s relatively low-cost, so it’s a less challenging place to raise a family once you have a family.

 

[LSSOct13]

Hello there – I am a white woman married to an “other”. My husband is funny and likes to say that Filipino isn’t actually Asian, I tell him it is indeed, as that is the continent it belongs to.

For the love of your future wife, please do not live too close to your family (or even hers). Living too close to either family, will make marriage more difficult. I suggest no closer than an hour drive (wink). Blending a western and eastern culture is very difficult. I suspect it works a little bit easier with American men and Asian women because culturally, the gender stereotypes fit very well. But if you find yourself with an independent type wife who either wishes to (or in my case, needs to) work outside the home and gender roles become a little less traditional – cultural issues can come to a head. This especially becomes an issue when children enter the picture and parenting comes up. Discuss these things with your potential wife ahead of time. Look up some intercultural blogs. Your family will likely find your future wife not quite acceptable and it is possible your future wife’s family may think the same of you. Most of this is based on what our culture has taught us to value. Neither culture is right, since they both have good and less desirable points. I am not suggesting not to marry an American woman, but going in with eyes open can help to avoid a lot of issues. I think combining a family, you get the best of both but navigating that path can be difficult.

I would second Houston as a good suggestion. My sister lives nearish to there and says it is quite the melting pot. The mid-atlantic region up North is another good area but is more expensive for cost of living. Good luck and God bless!

 

[Archangelic]

You seem very concerned about discrimination against you as an Asian man, and yet you are very specific about the ethnicity of the woman you will accept. That strikes me of hypocrisy.

 

[Della]

How about Minnesota? The Twin Cities in particular. We are very welcoming of all peoples here and no one cares who anyone marries. St. Paul and Minneapolis have thriving law practices. But I am partial to St. Paul, myself. It has more character, as well as our beautiful St. Paul’s Cathedral. Try us out. In spite of the cold weather, we are known for being “Minnesota nice.” I think you’d really like it here.

 

[EasterJoy]

Generally speaking, the West Coast has such a long-time presence of various national groups from Asia that the very idea of someone asking some who looks Asian for a “touristy” picture was astonishing to me. The Asian populations are larger in the big cities; in the rural areas, it depends on whether there have historically been Asian farmers in the area.

It is my impression, however, that there isn’t an “Asian” community here any more than the white-skinned people have a “European” community. Among whites, people know if their grandparents came over from Ireland or Finland or Germany or France or Scotland or whereever, and their family traditions can vary accordingly. In the Portland area, there is a Japanese community, a Chinese community, a Phillipino community, a Vietnamese community, Korean community, and so on. If you are interested in attracting a woman with an ethnic background similar to yours, you might look into whether your background matches the background of women specifically looking for an “Asian” man. People of Finnish background do not assume they have the same ancestory as those with a French background, and people with a Chinese background do not consider themselves as having the same ancestry as people whose grandparents are from Japan or Korea. I would think that a woman of Asian ancestry will either want a man of similar national background or else she is not going to care whether you are Japanese, French, or Sudanese. (IOW: race consciousness tends to go hand-in-hand with nationalist consciousness.)

 

[Ridgerunner]

I live in the Southwest Missouri Ozarks and, as strange as it might sound to some, I don’t see prejudice against Asians here. There is no “Asian community” either. I do know one American whose parents are from the Philippines, and he married a white woman. Nobody cares about that one way or another. Nor would they have cared if he had married an Asian woman. He’s not a doctor, either, he’s a high school teacher.

I’ll admit, though, it sometimes sounds incongrous to hear an Asian speak with the local accent, which is closer to “Arkahoma” than anything else; partly southern, partly western and partly “hill country”. The children of Asians from elsewhere pick it up from their peers.

One of the Asian kids who was born here is, indeed, a young doctor…an orthopaedic surgeon, and I can imagine the surprise of people who don’t know him. I picture them expecting an Asian accent, then in comes this doctor who speaks with their own accent. Probably even a greater surprise when people from up north who have moved here first meet him.

I should add that this part of the country is overwhelmingly “white”. Not many Asians at all, or any other minorities either.

 

[EasterJoy]

I would even go so far as to say that race consciousness is rather more rare among Asians than among Americans of African ancestry, because so many Americans of African ancestry come from ancestors who were torn away from their nation of origin without being able to tell their descendants exactly what part of Africa they were from. The Asians who even care about ancestry when it comes to dating seem very much more likely to identify with a particular nation or tribal group in Asia, rather than with the broad category of “Asian”. After all, nobody speaks “Asian”! On that account, if I were Asian and wanted to marry another Asian, I’d look to move to a city where there were active groups with my national background, with the culture of at least one of my grandparents.

 

[CaliLobo]

Hello there – I am a white woman married to an “other”. My husband is funny and likes to say that Filipino isn’t actually Asian, I tell him it is indeed, as that is the continent it belongs to.

For the love of your future wife, please do not live too close to your family (or even hers). Living too close to either family, will make marriage more difficult. I suggest no closer than an hour drive (wink). Blending a western and eastern culture is very difficult…

Oh yeah, I’m well-versed in these matters, being from Los Angeles and going to college in the UC system. I will definitely defend my wife against my mom, at all costs. My mom will know that she is not to expect anything like a “good Korean wife”.

UbiCaritas:

Another point in the Houston area’s favor is that there are a LOT of young Catholic groups in which to meet people. I would even go so far as to say that young people (in the 18-35 year old sense) are the primary focus of the archdiocese, partly because we have several universities here, but also because Houston is a very “young” area due to the job boom. I know of several groups which meet throughout the week for Mass, Holy Hours, volunteer opportunities, Theology on Tap, and so on. And once again, due to the oil/energy job boom, these tend to be rather diverse groups because in oil and energy people don’t really care what you look like: the fact is, they care about the bottom line, and if you’re good at what you do, you’ll have a job.

Thanks for the suggestion. I hear Houston has a reputation for being an obese city though? Also do you have any advice on how to get your foot into the energy industry? How much do you have to be in the know?

Archangelic:

You seem very concerned about discrimination against you as an Asian man, and yet you are very specific about the ethnicity of the woman you will accept. That strikes me of hypocrisy.

I don’t fault women for having racial preferences in dating, so no it’s not hypocrisy. However, I am looking for those exceptions that are open to dating an Asian man.

Della:

How about Minnesota? The Twin Cities in particular. We are very welcoming of all peoples here and no one cares who anyone marries. St. Paul and Minneapolis have thriving law practices. But I am partial to St. Paul, myself. It has more character, as well as our beautiful St. Paul’s Cathedral. Try us out. In spite of the cold weather, we are known for being “Minnesota nice.” I think you’d really like it here.

I am hearing good things about Minneapolis, but “Minnesota nice”, if I understand it right, would really annoy me. I’m annoyed with fake friendliness, “don’t rock the boat”, and especially fake friendships. I also hear mixed reviews… some say it’s diverse and welcoming, others say it’s insular and racist, and that the natives don’t leave MN very much so their view is narrow?

 

[CaliLobo]

Generally speaking, the West Coast has such a long-time presence of various national groups from Asia that the very idea of someone asking some who looks Asian for a “touristy” picture was astonishing to me. The Asian populations are larger in the big cities; in the rural areas, it depends on whether there have historically been Asian farmers in the area.

It is my impression, however, that there isn’t an “Asian” community here any more than the white-skinned people have a “European” community… If you are interested in attracting a woman with an ethnic background similar to yours, you might look into whether your background matches the background of women specifically looking for an “Asian” man.

You misinterpreted. I’m the one stopping by hickville to take pics and get food, and to say hello just to see if people react weird. Only once has someone asked for a pic with me because I’m Asian (it happened in Atlanta). If they’re really nice I might, but otherwise I’d be offended. I’m not an object for your amusement.

Also I’m looking to date interracially with white women, not Asian women.

Ridgerunner:

I live in the Southwest Missouri Ozarks and, as strange as it might sound to some, I don’t see prejudice against Asians here. There is no “Asian community” either. I do know one American whose parents are from the Philippines, and he married a white woman. Nobody cares about that one way or another. Nor would they have cared if he had married an Asian woman. He’s not a doctor, either, he’s a high school teacher.

I’ll admit, though, it sometimes sounds incongrous to hear an Asian speak with the local accent, which is closer to “Arkahoma” than anything else; partly southern, partly western and partly “hill country”. The children of Asians from elsewhere pick it up from their peers.

One of the Asian kids who was born here is, indeed, a young doctor…an orthopaedic surgeon, and I can imagine the surprise of people who don’t know him. I picture them expecting an Asian accent, then in comes this doctor who speaks with their own accent. Probably even a greater surprise when people from up north who have moved here first meet him.

I should add that this part of the country is overwhelmingly “white”. Not many Asians at all, or any other minorities either.

Interesting point. Often the diverse areas are the ones in which race theory and relations are overexamined, which often begets more prejudice! Having lived in Kansas, I was surprised to learn that people (who are mostly white) aren’t even aware that such hidden racism, media underrepresentation, and glass ceilings exist.

But, the bottom line is that I was not able to find a girlfriend during my two years in Kansas. Which is pretty close to your neck of the grasslands.

And there are still some Midwesterners that have something against Hispanics and Asians. Anti-Hispanic sentiment–you already know why. And I’ve met a woman who says she dislikes Asians for “infiltrating” Lawrence, not understanding American culture, and not knowing how to take care of dogs properly. It reeks of ignorance, but still. Quite a few white Kansans have complained to me that Asians do not say hi back when you greet them. (It’s not part of East Asian culture to be openly friendly to strangers; that is considered intrusive. Look up the Five Relationships in Chinese culture. Even Germans and Slavic culture are somewhat like that…)

 

[CaliLobo]

Please don’t get the wrong idea though. I know I can’t dwell on these race issues. Each individual is different, and it’s my responsibility to create my own unique outcome for myself.

The reason I post this thread is, where can I maximize my odds?

 

[Della]

I am hearing good things about Minneapolis, but “Minnesota nice”, if I understand it right, would really annoy me. I’m annoyed with fake friendliness, “don’t rock the boat”, and especially fake friendships. I also hear mixed reviews… some say it’s diverse and welcoming, others say it’s insular and racist, and that the natives don’t leave MN very much so their view is narrow?

The thing is, the MN nice is real. People just are nice–no fakery about it at all. Visitors come away mildly stunned because it’s just true.

Well, the Twin Cities area is very open and welcoming. There are some conclaves of insular communities, but they’re more in the out-state area.

If we don’t leave very much it’s because we are content where we are. That should say something about the life here. We’re not snobbish, we’re simply happy to be living in MN.