Please..am I hurting my son?

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erazo

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Hello,
My dilema today is my son. Because of a recent affair my husband had with a friend of ours; my son (9 years old) has been separated from his 3 best friends (8 years old twins and 6 year old). My son still holds a friendship with his friends at school, although sleepovers and play dates have stopped.

I just learned that my son and his friend have been planning a reconciliation date for “my friend” and me. They plan on us meeting one day next week so we can “make-up”. They boys want thier sleepover days, so bad!

I have explained to my son that the situation is a little more complex. (To this day “my friend” has not applogized to me and has denied everything the day I confronted her of it.) I am working on forgiving her, although she has not asked for my forgivness (very difficulty to do). And becuause she has not shown any signs of remorse, empathy, etc; I find it difficult to associate myself with someone like this.

Am I right? not letting my son over their home and keep him from attending their birthday parties? According to my husband…“my friend” feels bad that the kids are suffering for their mistakes. My husband keeps telling me that “the kids have no fault in this.”
 
We do not sin alone, sin does have an impact on others.

I would not go into details with your son, just always be too busy or have other plans. If your son persists, tell him that there are some matters that are between adults and this is a grown up matter, and it is off limits for further discussion.

Could you arrange a play date with another friend, or maybe sign your son up for scouts or a sports team? Something where he will meet other friends and cultivate other friendships.
 
Just because you should eventually forgive her, because being a Christian requires that of you, doesn’t mean you have to forget what she did to you.

Without knowing all the details it is hard to comment, but I am betting you definitly don’t have her trust anymore. Also the idea of your kids at her house probably upsets you. Maybe try to come up with a different solution. Maybe suggest that if she would like your kid to come to a birthday party they have it at a third location, like a restaurant, park, etc. That way you aren’t on her territory. As for the sleepovers, maybe see if another one of their friends will host it or you can host it.

Like you said, you don’t want to blame your kids or her kids but you don’t have to put yourself in a bad situation, especially if you haven’t fully forgiven her yet.
 
erazo said:
Hello,
My dilema today is my son. Because of a recent affair my husband had with a friend of ours; my son (9 years old) has been separated from his 3 best friends (8 years old twins and 6 year old). My son still holds a friendship with his friends at school, although sleepovers and play dates have stopped.

I just learned that my son and his friend have been planning a reconciliation date for “my friend” and me. They plan on us meeting one day next week so we can “make-up”. They boys want thier sleepover days, so bad!

I have explained to my son that the situation is a little more complex. (To this day “my friend” has not applogized to me and has denied everything the day I confronted her of it.) I am working on forgiving her, although she has not asked for my forgivness (very difficulty to do). And becuause she has not shown any signs of remorse, empathy, etc; I find it difficult to associate myself with someone like this.

Am I right? not letting my son over their home and keep him from attending their birthday parties? According to my husband…“my friend” feels bad that the kids are suffering for their mistakes. My husband keeps telling me that “the kids have no fault in this.”
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No sane person would expect you to sit with this woman that slept with your husband and tolerate her presence.

Sadly, because of your son’s association with her children you may be forced to tell him the actual reason that you are uncomfortable with her. One day her sons will tell your son the truth, so you might have to explain to him before they do.😦 Don’t assume that her kids don’t know. Kids are pretty good at ferreting out secrets.

Forgiving her does not mean being friends with her any longer. I thought that I would put that in, just in case that is the ideal that you are aiming for.

I would be tempted to shake my husband if he said something so stupid as 'the kids shouldn’t pay for our mistakes." Um… he should have thought of that before he slept with your friend!
 
kage_ar said:
We do not sin alone, sin does have an impact on others.

I would not go into details with your son, just always be too busy or have other plans. If your son persists, tell him that there are some matters that are between adults and this is a grown up matter, and it is off limits for further discussion.

Could you arrange a play date with another friend, or maybe sign your son up for scouts or a sports team? Something where he will meet other friends and cultivate other friendships.
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This is excellent advice. There are unpleasant consequences for others in this type of sin, and, unfortunately, it is often children who pay the price. My sense is that it is best that you and your children stay far away from that woman, hard as it may be on them. And I would remind your husband that he should, indeed, have thought of the impact his adultery would have on the little ones.

God bless.
 
First of all, how does your husband know how this other woman is feeling? I can’t believe he is actually still talking to her.

Secondly, I would never in a million years send my child to that womans house. I’m sorry that your son has lost his pals, but their mother did that…along with your husband. I wouldn’t want my children to be left alone with someone who makes such bad choices and disrespects you the way she obviously does.

What does it say about your selfworth to even consider this. You deserve more than that. Forgiveness doesn’t require you to be friendly with this woman, or to share your kids with her.
And, your husband is waaay out of line in suggesting that anyone in your family has anything to do with the woman he’s been having adulterous sex with.
And, he’s waaaay out of line for talking about how the other woman feels about the situation…and, really, for even knowing how the other woman is feeling about it.
These people are trying to twist this around where it somehow becomes your fault. They messed up things for those kids, not you. Your kids will be fine. Tell them it is not up for discussion anymore and then find them some knew playmates.

:hug1:
 
erazo said:
Hello,
My dilema today is my son. Because of a recent affair my husband had with a friend of ours; my son (9 years old) has been separated from his 3 best friends (8 years old twins and 6 year old). My son still holds a friendship with his friends at school, although sleepovers and play dates have stopped.

I just learned that my son and his friend have been planning a reconciliation date for “my friend” and me. They plan on us meeting one day next week so we can “make-up”. They boys want thier sleepover days, so bad!

I have explained to my son that the situation is a little more complex. (To this day “my friend” has not applogized to me and has denied everything the day I confronted her of it.) I am working on forgiving her, although she has not asked for my forgivness (very difficulty to do). And becuause she has not shown any signs of remorse, empathy, etc; I find it difficult to associate myself with someone like this.

Am I right? not letting my son over their home and keep him from attending their birthday parties? According to my husband…“my friend” feels bad that the kids are suffering for their mistakes. My husband keeps telling me that “the kids have no fault in this.”
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Sounds to me like your husband is trying to shovel off his guilt from his affair on to you.

You do not need to have any kind of relationship with this woman and I would be very concerned if my husband was intent on continuing a relationship with her via your children. Honestly it sounds to me like the “friend” and your husband still want to stay in contact (can someone say “occasion of sin”?) and are using the children to make you feel guilty. Your husband and the “friend” should both understand the pain you are in from their actions…not to mention the incredible harm they have done to their children as well. Putting you in the position as the “bad guy” who won’t let the kids get together is a huge red flag for me. The people who feel so bad about the kids being apart are the ones who made the whole problem…and I think they are still having an affair or at the very least are pushing boundaries that aren’t a good idea if they are trying to move forward from their huge mistake. Just my $0.02…
 
Not only is he shoveling off his guilt for the affair on you but I also suspect that he and possibly the other woman have been contemplating a life together if they both want the kids to get along and play together… kinda like one big happy family (except for you). It justifies them being together, because if you ever leave, he can just take up with her and the kids all get along…kwim?
 
I am so sorry for your situation. My prayers are with you.

I second everyone who has pointed out that that you can forgive this woman, but hanging out is not part of that. The burden of this guilt is not yours, don’t let them convince you otherwise.
I think you have made a wise choice to keep your kids away from there.
 
My first thoughts were like others why is he still talking to her?
Dont worry too much about your son I know that as my kids grow thier friendships change just make an effort in finding new friends. I know that the way i would harm my kids in this situation or any situation when i am highly distraught is being crabby and withdrawing from others. Just something to keep in mind. sent a few prayers your way. Oh and a good way to start with forgiveness is to pray for the other person regularily…if you find it hard, pray that God gives them what they deserve…What I think they deserve and what God thinks they deserve often differ but hey its a start. And lastly, it will all be okay in the end, if its not ok then its not the end.
 
Be honest with your son. Tell him that his friend’s mom has done something very wrong, and has not repented or apologized for it, so you don’t feel safe sending him to her house. If he wants to know what she has done you have two options: Tell him it’s grownup stuff that you have to deal with, or tell him to ask his dad, and stand right there while your husband answers, not allowing him to lie and interrupting him every time he tries. (You have to discern how much your son can handle/needs to know.) Tell your son it is fine for him to see his friend at school, and perhaps, if you feel OK with it, offer sleepovers at your house only. But don’t allow him over there. Don’t try to take away his friend, though. I found the advice above about kids friendships changing, and so taking this friend away would be no big deal if you helped him make others, very insensitive and disrespectful. Our children are people, and they choose friends the same way we do, and they have the same need for their friends we do.

Your husband and his, well, if I type the word I am thinking I’ll get at least a warning… are the ones hurting your son, not you.
 
erazo said:
Hello,
My dilema today is my son. Because of a recent affair my husband had with a friend of ours; my son (9 years old) has been separated from his 3 best friends (8 years old twins and 6 year old). My son still holds a friendship with his friends at school, although sleepovers and play dates have stopped.

I just learned that my son and his friend have been planning a reconciliation date for “my friend” and me. They plan on us meeting one day next week so we can “make-up”. They boys want thier sleepover days, so bad!

I have explained to my son that the situation is a little more complex. (To this day “my friend” has not applogized to me and has denied everything the day I confronted her of it.) I am working on forgiving her, although she has not asked for my forgivness (very difficulty to do). And becuause she has not shown any signs of remorse, empathy, etc; I find it difficult to associate myself with someone like this.

Am I right? not letting my son over their home and keep him from attending their birthday parties? According to my husband…“my friend” feels bad that the kids are suffering for their mistakes. My husband keeps telling me that “the kids have no fault in this.”
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hi erazo;

I would definitely follow the advice of others…forgiving is what we must do, to mirror Christ, and to be charitable to others–and actually, to help us heal. But, forgiveness doesn’t mean going back to the way things were–things can never ever be ‘the way they were.’ The way things were means you trusted your friend. She has shown that she is really not a ‘friend,’ and your husband should really not be talking to her either. She hasn’t apologized…and it would be nice if she did, but even if she never does–I would keep my family separate from her…for a variety of reasons. I don’t think it’s unreasonable…I can understand you feeling bad for your son–but unfortunately, it just wouldn’t make good sense to have him mingling with her kids…not anymore.
 
I agree with the sentiments of the other forum members.

I just want to add that friendships at 8 years old tend to be transient, especially for boys anyway and if and when you told them when they were 33 years old, they would understand.

If the kids were lifelong friends since kids and they were 17 y.o., you may somehow make better accomodations but I see no need to for the sake of kids at this point.

I hate to put it so bluntly but his friends are easily replacable at that age.

Anyone with a matching interest (esp. for boys w/sports) and you have a new friend.

ANOTHER POINT TO ADD/EDIT:

Tell your husband as a parent, the best thing you can do is not insulate your kids from peer pressure (because peer pressure will happen) but choose his peers wisely. Peers are selected based on family value systems.

My mom did this in an ingenious fashion when I was kid - I was to attend Catholic Youth group, who for the most part, were good kids, didn’t do drugs, and we only got into the occasional trouble (fireworks, ha, ha).

We know the mother of these children sleeps around.

I see no fault in selecting your children’s peers based on what is a value system of the family.
 
so…little miss (uncharitable thoughts about her) feels bad the kids have to suffer, but has shown no remorse about your feelings or sense of betrayal. hmmmm.

I would also be a little concerned about your husbands attitude. Does he really think things will just blow over just like that?

I do feel bad for you your son. I have a 9yo old daughter and if she was not able to be with her BFF because of what the parents did, it would not be so easy to tell her to get other friends. But I sure wouldn’t let my kids go to their house anymore. Just as I wouldn’t let my kids go to someone’s house if there was a live in situation, or the parents let the kids watch things I wouldn’t let my kids watch, etc. I would tell them that I am not comfortable having them go to a house where the grownups make choices that I don’t feel comfortable with.

Whether to let the kids come to your house…wow. I’m not sure if I could do that. There would still have to drop offs and pick ups and that would just be way too uncomfortable for me.

The poor kids always are getting the raw end of things. How many kids had a part in their parents’ divorce, yet are the ones who have to deal with their world being torn upside down? And why should you be the one to have to deal the aftermath of your husband’s sin? I’d make him man up and sit your son down and explain to him why he can’t be with his friends anymore.
 
I agree with the above poster. Some kids do not make friends easily. It is not a matter of remove friend A, insert friend B, and all is solved. This child is facing some painful times, especially if his family breaks up over this, but even if it doesn’t while his parents work out their mysterious (to him) emotional problems. Measures to protect his friendships should be taken, because the father is right about one thing here. It’s not the kids’ fault.
 
It is not a matter of remove friend A, insert friend B, and all is solved.
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You know. . .I know I am being sexist and if it was a girl. . .I would agree a different approach is needed. I think the OP said it’s her sons and for the most part, I find with boys you can remove friend A and insert friend B. Okay, not quite that simple but you get my drift.

Boys (and men) tend to center their friendships around doing something (video games, sports, etc.)

Girls (and women) center their friendships around the give and take of the relationship and sharing feelings.

You don’t see boys invite other boys over and ask if they’d like to talk over a cup of coffee.

I am speaking as a father of 2 knuckleheaded boys (who I love to death 🙂 )

I am not saying it will require no effort but I would suggest to the mom to “redirect” the friendship away from the other kids.

As far as it being a “raw deal”, that’s life. You can’t coddle your kids through life, esp. boys. That’s half the problem with kids today - they have never had any tragedy to speak of by the time they reach 25 and when one happens, they are clueless and off the psychotherapist to figure out what Mom did wrong.

Sorry. . .mom’s entitled here.
 
erazo, I’m sorry this happened to your family. It happened to mine, too, and I ended social times with the kids of my former girl friend. Sure, this isn’t the kids’ fault, but two adults caused the situation. As I see it, allowing the kids social times at OW’s home will help her and your H to justify what they did, and justify that there is nothing wrong with it. Those two adults need to live with the consequences of their adultery.

Is your H still in contact with her? Is he living at home with you? If he lives at home, he should have NO contact with her. NONE.

They could be using the kids’ friendship as a reason to continue theirs. It’s just so Brady Bunch, to have two families of kids seal a relationship. My H and OW still use the kids to justify their relationship. As they force our kids and hers to spend time together, the friendship is fading.

Stand your ground on this Don’t let your H plant doubt in your mind. If he tries to turn it around and make it your fault that these kids can’t play together, flip it right back to him. He caused this problem.

Let me know if I can help you.

eta - to answer your question, NO, you are not hurting your son. Your husband did that.
 
You poor thing! You have been betrayed and the betrayer(s) are trying to make you feel guilty?
I would have nothing more to do with her or her sons.
I would do everything in my power to help my son find new friends. Keep him busy and occupied. Spoil him a bit with outings and visiting people you DO like. Meet some other mothers at his school and get the children together. Invite his friends over to play.
I would NOT want my son at this womans house ever again. Her morals are not what you want shown to your son.
Do not relent or smooth this over for the sake of that woman’s guilt or your husbands.
When people do stupid things, other people suffer.
They should have thought about their children before they had the affair.
Your son will make new friends but sadly him losing his friends are the consequence of other people’s selfish and stupid actions.
You should not have to endure this woman for anyone. Forgive her, yes, but not be in her presence.
God bless you.
 
To my second family,
I want to thank you for easing my mind. I have share this with my husband. He seems to understand and accepts how I feel.

I hope you keep us in your prayers, I will have you in mine.

thank you and God bless,
 
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