Please give me advice and help me understand my boyfriend

[Ineedadvice]

First off, I hope this is in the right category! My apologies if not; I’ve never posted before.

I am a 24-year-old female, and graduated college just after I turned 23. I am a cradle Catholic, but didn’t practice throughout my late teens and early twenties. When I was 22, I really begun to see the error of my thinking and became involved with the CCM at my college. There, I met my boyfriend of 2 years. He has become one of my best friends, and sort of educated me about what was appropriate for my current state in life. However, he has often tried to cross the “line” and I have often had to remind him that that was not for now. However, due to my previous years as a non-practicing Catholic I “know what it’s like” and sometimes falter when he propositions me, for lack of a better phrase.
Over the months, he has revealed to me that he has struggled with porn and masturbation. As of now, we are on a “break” and he has proposed “breaking up” due to his issues. He has recently revealed that those struggles are deeper than I realized. I, however, do not want to break up. He is always trying to do better. Even when he falls. It’s not a question of trying. But, at the same time, I have lurked on the Catholic Answers forums and seen the harm that this sort of thing can do to marriages. Dating either leads to marriage or breaking up… and I can already see the harm that it has done to our relationship. I want to respect myself, but I also want to be there for him. Also, I want to know him. We have so much in common. But, at the same time… I don’t think I can be “just friends” with him. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know if he will ever be “healed.” Sometimes I wonder if I’m wrong for “holding out,” especially when I’ve already done some of the sexual things he wants to do. I’ve tried praying for him.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

If he wants to go, let him go.

 

[Mary_Ellen]

First off, you are not wrong to “hold out” and should stop doing

some of the sexual things he wants to do

you’ve already done.

I want to respect myself,

You also want to get to heaven and falling into sexual sin is no way to do that.

but I also want to be there for him.

The best way to be there for him is not to continue to enable him or assist him in falling into sexual sin. Continue to pray for him, your prayer is not in vain!

I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know if he will ever be “healed.

You need healing, too. Go to confession for what you have done because those graces you will receive are quite powerful and will help strengthen your resolve.

I don’t mean to preach to you but you already seem to know what is right and this situation is all wrong. You cannot be just friends with him as things have already gone too far with him and he is, at this time, a sexual addict. He needs help that you can’t provide. If he continues to pressure you you do need to break things off as it is not fair, or safe, for you to continue on in this manner.

Please know that both of you will be in my prayers.

Be at peace.

 

[TechieGuy]

“It is better to marry than to burn”.

If you’ve been dating for two years, you’re done with college and he’s your best friend, then what’s keeping you two from marriage?

 

[AdamP88]

I would be hesitant to write anyone off, but I certainly think that this guy, while he may be trying his best, is not really ready to date or get married at this moment. He may be in a few years, but not right now. I think in the circumstances you describe, it would be best to break up.

 

[bmaj]

Sounds like he’s not ready to make a commitment to one person. Also sounds like you can do much better than a romantic relationship with someone who is struggling with porn. Be aware that he may try to coerce you into doing things you know you don’t really want to or shouldn’t do until marriage, and he may use the porn and masturbation issue as a way for you to feel sorry for him and “give in.” Many tactics and untruths are used by some people who view porn, and my advice after many years of marriage with one of them would be to run the opposite direction…and find someone who respects you and all women fully. May Our Lord be by your side always no matter what! Prayers for St. Monica’s intercession can also be of great value.

 

[Onestepahead]

A man with his faith and life in order will behave in a way that shows you that your ongoing purity is his top priority. Did you get that? A man with his faith and life in order will behave in a way that shows you that your ongoing purity is his top priority. He will PROTECT you, not use you and make up excuses for his behavior. If he has his faith and life in order, he will not use you because he wants to marry a woman who is strong enough to stay chaste during dating AND faithful to him after marriage and he knows that if the dating doesn’t work out and you have to break up, he hasn’t used you.

You’re asking for advice, so I’ll give some: I’m glad you’re on a break from this guy and strongly suggest that you make it a permanent break. You can’t “fix” him, and it doesn’t matter that you have a history with him or that you have a ton of things in common or that his parents really like you or that you adopted a dog together or that [fill in the blank]. Nothing you can come up with will be a good enough reason to stay with an addict. What I learned from my marriage to an addict is that a person isn’t just addicted to one thing or another; what they have is an addictive personality, and they will be driven to fill their addition in many many ways. You probably already know that porn users tend start out with the simpler pornography to get off, but as time goes by, they need stronger and stronger stuff to get the same physical reaction/release. Sadism? Child porn? What will be the point where you say enough is enough with this loser?

Dating this man has already made you unhappy, but you can’t let go because you think he’s the best thing you’ve got going right now. Don’t wait until you have a child together to realize what a boat anchor this guy is, do whatever you have to do to turn away from him NOW and get help so that you can learn how to “respect yourself” (your own words) enough to stay away from guys like him. God bless you.

 

[JetteZ]

It is overstepping to suggest this man is a sex addict. There is not near enough evidence in her post to jump to that conclusion.

Pornography is a problem, no doubt, and his behavior is inappropriate.

Taking a break so that he can reel in his desire is probably a good thing. When I’m not “available” to my husband he’ll go on long bike rides or work out. It would be foolish of him to hang out with his temptress as it would only increase a desire that can’t be honorably met and which will seek fulfillment in dishonorable ways.

I’d suggest taking this break to work on what you have control over - you. Commit to not “giving in,” focus on school or work or volunteering. Do something that gives you joy and will be an honorable way to have spent your time to any future husband.

 

[Walking_Home]

Pray for him — from afar.

 

[Onestepahead]

Jette, I’m not suggesting he’s a sex addict, only that he has an addictive personality. I’m basing this on the original poster’s statement that her boyfriend “recently revealed that those struggles [with masturbation and porn] are deeper than I realized.” That’s all.