Please give me some advice!

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Kelly64

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Hi!

I would REALLY appreciate some thoughts and, maybe, some advice here! As a committed Catholic that had an incredible upbringing that taught me to put others first, I am struggling with the relationship that I have. My partner of just over a year is a single mother who has an 18 year old son that’s addicted to drugs and a younger daughter that suffers from depression. I know that that’s a lot to deal with, but every couple of months it all seems to get too much for her to the point where she pushes me aside and doesn’t want to know me. Every time this has happened it’s been about a week before she’s made contact again and things have been fine, but we’re going through this again right now and I feel that once again she’s playing with my emotions. Do I just say “Goodbye” and walk away or do I do the decent thing and hang in there for her. I so desperately want to help her through all of the issues she’s faced with because I honestly don’t think she can cope with them on her own, but she doesn’t seem to want me to do that. I pray for her every day and I pray that our relationship will be good, but i’m not sure if it’s working! I have so much love to give somebody, but I just don’t know if this is the right person to give it to or in fact if she wants it. So do I walk away or stay? I’d really appreciate any thoughts and prayers that you can send my way. Thank you!
 
Kelly, if it’s like this before marriage it will only get worse afterwards, and then you’ll get to the point that you’ll want to escape yourself but feel you can’t. If this repeatedly happens, I see that she doesn’t really love you… that your feelings and needs are crushed repeatedly like this.

People are on their best behaviour during courting, but if their best behaviour is periodlcally so destructive, then you are not loved, but are only convenient at times to have around as company.
When people marry to rescue others, particularly those who don’t wish to be saved as you indicate is true of her, it usually ends in misery. You may feel responsible for her, but she is responsible for herself.

I pray you won’t keep getting drawn into this destructive relationship, where all members of the family are very damaged.

Please look after yourself. I pray that with your great potential for loving, you will find a person who will love you as deeply as you deserve…and where you will be treated with respect.

Warmly, Trishie
 
Thanks Trishie, I really appreciate your words of wisdom and your prayers for the two of us!
 
Oh boy. “Hang in there for her”? You sound like you are trying to rescue. You may need to examine yourself because, as I read, you were sounding like you were drawn to “fixing” her problems.

Here is a link you should check out.

drirene.com/codepend1.htm
 
It’s no relationship at all if you’re the one doing all the giving. It’s a noble motive but if she’s the one who is always needing and taking and your the one always giving the whole thing will absolutely suck you dry. Besides, “being their for her” does not fix a person or a family. You can’t love her or her kids enough to make them at peace with themselves, that’s something they need to, and only they can, obtain on their own.
 
I’d think about hanging in with her - maybe yes, maybe no depending on God’s will. Have you tried talking to her about the fact that she escapes for a week? She might not trust you enough to know that you actually want to see her when she is at her worst. If she is a single mother, maybe her ex-husband never wanted her around unless she was perfect and she is projecting her issues with men onto you or her family/friends never accepted her when she seemed less than good. Maybe both of you might benefit from reading the Holy Father’s book on Love and Responsibility (haven’t read it myself 😦 ) and talking about what a healthy couple looks like, as well as interacting with a devout holy couple at your Church. You are in my prayers. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ 🙂 😃 😃
 
Sounds like she has lots to deal with. Is a romantic relationship going to help her at this point?

Does she have professional help in dealing with her kids and their issues?
 
Thanks KCT, for your post. No, she refuses to go and have any professional help whatsoever! She has always said that she is a very private person, but I also think there’s a great deal of stubborness as well. I have this feeling that she wants to prove to her ex-husband that she can manage the home life/kids without him and so for her seeking any help is an admission that she just can’t do that. Also, you’re correct; maybe she just doesn’t want a romantic relationship right now, but if that’s the case then I assume she would have told me rather than pushing me aside for periods at a time and then coming back into my life when she’s ready to. I’m just very confused and wonder whether I should just move on, that’s all. Thanks anyway!!
 
Maybe you could have a friendship and you can still pray for her and her children, but I think there’s no point having a relationship or marriage with her. That kind of emotional unsteadiness that she is exhibiting indicates, in my mind, that she is not ready to have a relationship and a marriage (at least not at this time, and not with you). I’m afraid your efforts and sacrifices would be wasted and this would be a marriage doomed from the start. Or, more exactly, it wouldn’t be a true marriage since that requires that both parties are capable and willing of commitment to each other. Just my 2 cents.
 
Kelly64, some years ago I was a single mother with a daughter suffering from chronic depression (at times suicidal) and a younger daughter desperately needing guidance (but otherwise quite normal).

At that time I longed for a partner with whom to have some adult conversation and insight. I did not feel it would be appropriate for someone else to have to shulder the burden of my struggling family though. And at the same time, I recognised that I did not have the emotional energy for my needy daughter, my normal daughter, myself, my job and a partner. Had I been in a relationship at that stage, I would probably also have had to take some space for myself at the particularly bad times.

It seems to me this may be something your partner struggles with. I suggest you look carefully at your future. Depression is an illness - it can come back; it is a very exhausting condition to deal with. Exhausting for everybody concerned.

I only got through the whole emotional experience with the help of my daughter’s threapists, my priest and another Christian counsellor and years of prayer. This is a huge burden to bear without the assistance of a trained counsellor.

May you come to a decision that gives you peace, because at the end of the day we need to take care of ourselves as well as caring for others.
 
Here are some good sites where you may glean some more great wisdom:

familylifecenter.net/courtship.asp

reallove.net/index2.asp?CID=1

exceptionalmarriages.com/

daughtersofstpaul.com/growinginfaith/basicqas/sacraments/matrimony1_136.html#q15

catholictherapists.com/Find-A-Therapist.html

I think if you take the time to study these links you may see either more roadblocks or potential actions that could be taken toward a healing.

If it were me (which it isn’t) I would be asking myself what I can do to help if your friends do not want or recognize they need help. Ultimately its your decision on how far to give of yourself without being consumed and its everyones on where you want your relationships to go.
 
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