Please Help. Another Family Issue

[foreverisever]

Hi and God Bless who ever is out there and able to provide me with help on a issue that is driving me into confusing with a never ending LOOP. This is my first post and I have the sudden urge to reach out and really appreciate everyone’s suggestions.
First off my family is of Catholic faith. Although we may all be at different places in our life there’s a major issue going on with my Father and Mother and my 2 sisters and our family. My father left my mother…or claims he really didn’t leave etc…(finger pointing) whatever the case may be he is currently living on his own for the last 2 months or so. The main reason he left is because he doesn’t see things eye to eye with whether it be with my mother or 2 sisters because deep down he feels alienated from the relationship. Now my father is frustrated because his daughters are not close to God…he claims they don’t need God and says my mom is (easy) and doesn’t want to stand up for something sacred on issues with Christ. He also claims and won’t hold down (ever) to me and everyone else that he’s done so much for them and no one appreciates him. This seems to be the issues with some of his work from the past with him saying this. I’m not going to lie about this. Now I know that’s not true deep down in my heart because I asked my sisters/family about this. They really don’t want to see his misfortune but he’s leading us all into an endless LOOP! Now this is a catholic marriage of 30 years so any bailing out easy is going to be hard, I know this. So to sum this up. Here’s what kinda happened…
He got his good job back…shortly after left making these claims on why leaving.
2 months after he lost his job being laid off. Funds are running low…I guess. I’ve been trying so so hard to be in between everyone to get everyone to talk and its not easy…I have many headaches and its stressing me out on a daily basis. When my parents finally talked my mother said…well…we are here and want to work it out, but you left and didn’t even tell us where you where going…but every very claim whatever the case my be he’s saying he didn’t do anything wrong. Kinda remembers me of people who won’t admit they are wrong or whatever. I just feel bad. In one sense he wants to work it out he says, but he don’t want to call his 2 daughters and make peace. And to be honest they don’t really want to call him either because they feel they didn’t do anything wrong. Which I’m still trying to figure out myself what it could be that is hurting him. I understand that they might not be…you know Holy or feel away from the faith… but does that mean you can just walk away? I’m not going to say we haven’t all feel away at some points and I know now what the church is saying about going to church on Sundays and holy days since all this has happened. He loves to preach the Gospel and we’ve talked plenty of time on interpretation of the bible…but he never stressed to me the catechism or go to church for answers and I know this. Since then I see more and more I need the church and authoritative leading. He made claims that Jesus said “Wipe you feet and walk away.” “Brother against brother, family against family” and I’ve talk to many priest about this. We really know that …It can be said in the Bible…Love your brother …but hate your brother. I don’t really know what to think. I’m confused still and my family is all confused and lost and we seriously are trying to do the best we all can to go to church and pray for this. I don’t know everyone conscience but i know mine. I go by what the church says. I need to. I feel upset because I know he means very well…but he’s not a scholar in authoritative teaching. But I have a sick feeling in myself that every time we talk about the Bible…on anything that I don’t really know if he could stomach coming to the church asking if thats what it truly means. Because I’ve been so disturbed by this, I’ve been taking my learning to the church. Got some catholic books, catechism, catholic study bibles, watching ewtn, Father John Corapi, all very good stuff. I’ve been attending programs at the church they offer so I hope I’m doing the right thing here. I don’t want to be a hermit who lays in bed every night reading the bible quoting scriptures and messing around with the doctrine of the church. I know I could quote anything out the bible to justify my case, but that’s arrogance. I’m not worthy to ever do that. This hits home because we all look up to our parents and never want to disagree. I gotta follow the commandment to honor my parents. I love them both. But just feel confused. Now the situation stands…
My mother wants to work it out, it’s a sacred marriage. My father wants to work it out too(he says)…but there’s always conditions to working this out. He don’t want to call his daughters, he feels they should call him. Same thing happened with my mother and father talking…it took me hrs upon hrs of praying to get this to happen. Even though she had to end up calling him…after I told him to just pick up the phone and call…he text her and said call me if you want…she did. (GOOD). Now all that really happened was him justifying his case claiming alienation etc etc etc. Since he has no job and is following in the steps of his (*own dad) he claiming to move out of state down to Florida with his brother who also is single now and doesn’t talk to his family or his daughter. Now he does have 5 other brothers/sisters that he could go to locally but won’t. (He’s done this before about 4 other times with leaving my mom) I don’t blame him for not wanting to be a burden and ask his brothers(again) to take him in. Oh I seriously just feel awful.
It’s as if he’s doing exactly what his father did.
Leaving the family to prove a point and let the kids come to him if they love him.

 

[dulcissima]

It sounds like your dad has a lot of issues and really needs validation from other people. Healthy people don’t move out just because they don’t get a constant stream of praise and love. Chances are he has issues that go all the way back to when his own dad left. I think the best thing that your family can do is to not beg him to come back. If he chooses to live on his own, then he can experience the consequences of that decision. If he wants to live with his family, then nothing is standing in his way. It sounds like he wants lots of drama and wants everyone to feel bad though. My advice is to not get sucked into all that. He has issues that he is going to need to deal with, most likely through therapy. There is absolutely no way for any member of your family to apologize enough to help him get his sense of self-worth back. I know it is a hard thing to do, but sometimes you just need to pray for someone and keep your emotional distance.

 

[foreverisever]

Thanks that made me feel really good inside. Sometimes I know I can only do so much before all I can do is pray.

It’s so hard to talk to him sometimes, he talks a lot and doesn’t really let anyone else talk about how they feel…and then it seems as if your opinion doesn’t matter much.
He keeps saying things as if “well you know jesus did this…and jesus left the town when they didn’t agree with him” Of course everyone has enough knowledge to be a saint, but no saint became one by what they knew…but by what they did.

He recently explained to me his revelation on Judgment day.
He said…its will be a very sad, sad day and many people will cry and be hurt in their hearts because the loved ones didn’t want to listen.
I understand his point…put why so zealous?..sometimes we have to say that we don’t really know things…and pray that.

So then, I guess we can all be sad happy?

I know there’s a time for everything. Joy, Sorrow etc. But I see that he really really uses scripture for every detail in his life even if it literal and will keep talking and talking and talking for hours on ends about life and the bible…
I recently asked him why he doesn’t go to the church to teach or “listen” and I didn’t get a response back.
Now I know he has done physical work for a catholic church…but I also know that I heard him complain about the sisters there too…saying they demanded too much and here he was doing good deeds. I really feel bad, even if he had a bad experience trying to help out at the church. He was like this on many jobs that I worked with in construction, which is probably why it failed and it is no more…

The fact remains, don’t have a family and don’t not to have any problems…It will be tough and you will not agree. I just don’t want to be stuck in the middle of it, even though I feel that I am. I got to have faith and just pray I guess that’s all I can do. I do love him and I can do nothing more but pray…thank you so so much.
Things aren’t easy…

 

[Trishie]

Hi I’m just about to read your post which is long but on the face of it, seems a bit sad, so first…:grouphug:

 

[Trishie]

Your Dad does sound unhappy and as if he sees himself as a victim.
It does sound as if your Dad uses Scripture to justify anything he thinks or feels but it is probably so engrained that he can’t really help himself, so you need to be you, coming closer to God as you are seeking to do, in a way that is authentic rather than as a justification for your own feelings or actions.

It sounds like a difficult situation for you all. I hope you can phone, and talk, to your Dad without getting sucked into the morass of self-pity the poor man feels. One sad thing a young person find out about a parent is that in some way he or she might be damaged and he or she might not ever have achieved an emotional maturity. It’s disappointing and a shock…but we are all only human beings. His upbringing may have damaged his ability to go beyond this emotional paralysis he is suffering.

You can only acccept him as he is and give him little kindnesses where you can, with love but also with detachment as much involvement in his issues harms you and your family. But certainly he needs regular little gestures of love from you all, or from you if the others can’t manage it.

I need to get ready for Mass now as it’s after 8.30 am (Wednesday) here in Australia, and Mass is at 9 am, but I’ll be thinking and praying for you, your parents and your sister while at Mass.

With love, Trishie

 

[foreverisever]

Thanks for helping.
Yes, I recently reached out last Saturday and met up with him and been talking to him on Sunday for Mass. It’s hard when you talk and talk and talk putting faith into issues that mean so much only to either have a headache and be let down.

There’s so much finger pointing going around and yes it’s consuming me. Maybe not as much as my sister’s etc. But either way, a lot of time. I do think this is a major issue with a lot of people and their abilities to lose the faith in Jesus Christ because of their own fathers ways. My sister’s claim they are not going to change and feel that he attacks them too much on their ways. Now for granted he doesn’t support perhaps the way they are living so instead of talking it out with them (by the way, they are 26 and 30) he would just be silent about things and not really have much a relationship. Now he kinda blew up and put them out to be “outcasts” Silence works sometimes, I believe…but other times it can work against you.

It’s sad because this has happened like 4 other times throughout their marriage as we were growing up as kids. I see my sister’s point of view that they feel bad for my mom. We are all just so confused because this all happened out the the blue. Nothing specific happened…

I will pray.

 

[Trishie]

Would it help to recognise that your Dad really does have need of healing. If he had cancer you’d know he’s ill. It’s more difficult to deal with psychological problems, and more misleading. But from all you’ve said, your Dad is ill in his own way.

Can you do little kindnesss but limit them to brief periods of time, and not stay around long enough to become engaged with his issues? They seem only destructive and unhealthy for his family, and for you.

You can’t be co-dependent with him,what I mean is that he seems to need to draw you all into his own unhealthy ways of conducting and viewing relationship with each other and even with God. Perhaps if you learn about co-dependency in relationships through books or some research you may be able to love your Dad, give to him, without becoming distressed and injured by the encounters.

Dear Lord who love us so much, please help the members of this family, and keep them close to You in healthy faith.