Please help-caught my husband 'relieving' himself

[backtothefaith]

I desperately need some advice. I am a returning Catholic, my husband (hallelujah!), after coming to church with me for only a few months, has decided he wants to become Catholic. Only thing, he doesn’t want to quit using birth control. The more I read about why Catholics don’t approve of it, the more it makes sense, and now I wholeheartedly am against it, in fact the last few times we used birth control, I was in tears afterward. Husband, however, fears that we would not be able to afford more children (we have 3). This has created a lot of tension. I told him that I thought it would be better for us to be celibate than use birth control. For the past month, my husband has shown no interest in me on a physical level even though I have tried to be affectionate and tried to pique his interest. This is unusual for him. For a while now, I have been suspicious of his long showers. Well, this morning, I peeked in on his shower and found him ‘relieving’ himself. My immediate reaction was a sick feeling, because I feel I am being denied something very important and vital to our marriage. I feel useless to my husband now, honestly, what does he need me for. I believe it might have been easier to have caught him with another woman. To feel like he would rather derive pleasure from his own hand rather than me is just too much. I understand now what is so horrible about birth control to have caused these problems with us. My question is, should we just start using birth control again? Which is the greater sin? Thank you, and sorry this is so long!

 

[Aleii]

have you looked into nfp?

 

[Black_Jaque]

You need to look into NFP.

Husband, however, fears that we would not be able to afford more children (we have 3).

Do you know anyone who has more than 3? Have them over for supper. Let your husband hang out with “her” husband. He’ll see that it can be done, and then it’s a whole lot less scary.

As for your hubby’s falling into mortal sin… You’d better get mad, I mean real mad. You’d better demonstrate that you’re not going to stand idly by while he goes to hell.

 

[exiled]

You need to look into NFP.

Do you know anyone who has more than 3? Have them over for supper. Let your husband hang out with “her” husband. He’ll see that it can be done, and then it’s a whole lot less scary.

As for your hubby’s falling into mortal sin… You’d better get mad, I mean real mad. You’d better demonstrate that you’re not going to stand idly by while he goes to hell.

Well, I may be wrong about this, so others can freely jump in, but…
if your husband is not Catholic, and he has not accepted the teachings, he lacks the knowledge of the gravity of his sin. So, he has sinned, yes, but I doubt his soul is in danger.
Also, we have to be careful about projecting our own journey onto others. While he cannot compel you to sin by forcing birth control on you, at the same time you cannot force your newfound faith and understanding on him.
That said, let me tell you how much I sympathize. My husband used to battle the same demon, and I’m sure he still falls in tough times, but we must forgive them. The magnitude of the impact this has on a marriage is indicative of emotional and spirital depth that the marriage act has.
My prayers are with you.

 

[carol_marie]

I desperately need some advice. I am a returning Catholic, my husband (hallelujah!), after coming to church with me for only a few months, has decided he wants to become Catholic.

That is wonderful! But if he has just decided that he wants to be Catholic, I think it’s unreasonable to expect that he will embrace every single teaching of the Church instantly. Only thing, he doesn’t want to quit using birth control. The more I read about why Catholics don’t approve of it, the more it makes sense, and now I wholeheartedly am against it, in fact the last few times we used birth control, I was in tears afterward. Husband, however, fears that we would not be able to afford more children (we have 3). This has created a lot of tension. I told him that I thought it would be better for us to be celibate than use birth control.

Yikes! Talk about drastic? It sounds to me like you are making alot of demands on him without letting him catch up in his faith.

For the past month, my husband has shown no interest in me on a physical level even though I have tried to be affectionate and tried to pique his interest. How does that fit with your suggestion of being celebate though?

This is unusual for him. For a while now, I have been suspicious of his long showers. Well, this morning, I peeked in on his shower and found him ‘relieving’ himself. My immediate reaction was a sick feeling, because I feel I am being denied something very important and vital to our marriage. I feel useless to my husband now, honestly, what does he need me for. I believe it might have been easier to have caught him with another woman. Do you really mean that? To feel like he would rather derive pleasure from his own hand rather than me is just too much. I understand now what is so horrible about birth control to have caused these problems with us. My question is, should we just start using birth control again? I think you should investigate NFP - learn together all you can about it - your husband will feel much better about the situation I am sure. Which is the greater sin? Thank you, and sorry this is so long!

I am so sorry this is so stressful for you. Don’t let Satan drive a wedge in your marriage! You don’t want your husband to resent the Church & the changes in your life that it will bring about. PLEASE - give him time and allow the Holy Spirit to work on him. I say this as one who came back to the Church before my husband. I followed the advice I am giving you and my husband has totally embraced all the teachings of the church - without all the tension that sudden changes bring.

God Bless,
CM

 

[hlmem]

I desperately need some advice. I am a returning Catholic, my husband (hallelujah!), after coming to church with me for only a few months, has decided he wants to become Catholic. Only thing, he doesn’t want to quit using birth control. The more I read about why Catholics don’t approve of it, the more it makes sense, and now I wholeheartedly am against it, in fact the last few times we used birth control, I was in tears afterward. Husband, however, fears that we would not be able to afford more children (we have 3). This has created a lot of tension. I told him that I thought it would be better for us to be celibate than use birth control. For the past month, my husband has shown no interest in me on a physical level even though I have tried to be affectionate and tried to pique his interest. This is unusual for him. For a while now, I have been suspicious of his long showers. Well, this morning, I peeked in on his shower and found him ‘relieving’ himself. My immediate reaction was a sick feeling, because I feel I am being denied something very important and vital to our marriage. I feel useless to my husband now, honestly, what does he need me for. I believe it might have been easier to have caught him with another woman. To feel like he would rather derive pleasure from his own hand rather than me is just too much. I understand now what is so horrible about birth control to have caused these problems with us. My question is, should we just start using birth control again? Which is the greater sin? Thank you, and sorry this is so long!

My opinion only…

I think what happened is a fundamental error a lot of loving couples make in marriage by mistake only.

You decided and read how birth control is wrong, but you are married, you two are really one person now.

One person in a marriage cant decide about a life changing thing like children and birth control and expect the other to just be convinced from a discussion.

You need to discover the pros and cons together. As you were reading your books did you read it with him so you discover this knowledge together… i doubt not.

But you are not to blame. No one is to blame.

Talk to each other and express your feelings, allow him to discuss as a man how he feels, and you show him all the knowledge you read and how you feel.

And just ask God to open up both of your hearts to discover truth together so you can live in happiness

 

[Keikiolu]

{snip}…

My question is, should we just start using birth control again? Which is the greater sin? Thank you, and sorry this is so long!

Since you’re commited to following “the rules”, it’s not even a question of which sin is “greater”,… you simply mustn’t do it (birth control).

He also has a comittment to keep in not doing the “relieving” thing, which is the perfect equivalent of “birth control”, and therefore also a sin to be avoided, period.

That settles that. So then you’ve got to deal with the consequences of that decision.

God will enfold the consequences of your being good to you and your husband.

As you mentioned, the effect of birth control is to mask the further and deeper discovery of your marital relationship, and that is the opportunity (and trial) of your present situation.

NFP…!!

E pili mau na pomaikai ia oe…!

 

[Em_in_FL]

[SIGN]NFP[/SIGN]
[SIGN]NFP[/SIGN]
[SIGN]Say it with me… NFP!![/SIGN]

 

[Black_Jaque]

if your husband is not Catholic, and he has not accepted the teachings, he lacks the knowledge of the gravity of his sin. So, he has sinned, yes, but I doubt his soul is in danger.

Not being Catholic doesn’t necessarily “free” you from all the Catholic moral teaching. It is a mortal sin, because that is the reality of it - not because some church teaches such.

He may be free from culpability of the mortal sin if he is truly ignorant. But if his wife sits idly by allowing him to remain ignorant, then SHE could be culpable for his ignorance! Either way, somebody could burn in Hell.

Don’t be duped by Pop-psychology, there are times when we ought to be furious. Just as when Jesus cleared the Temple.

 

[exiled]

I did NOT say her husband wasn’t sinning. I said exactly what you said, that his culpability was limited.
That said, yes, she has an obligation to teach him, but she is not going to score any points by screaming furiously.
It is stomach turning, from a woman’s perspective, to see this kind of behavior in her husband. But for now she has to understand that this conversion of his heart is going to take time, and that the time between her conversion and his is going to be hard. But, if she perseveres, and is an example of holiness, her husband will likely come around by the grace of God.
I like what I heard Rosalind Moss say once. (paraphrase) It is not so miraculous that they don’t see, the miracle is that we do. (I’m sure I butchered that, but you get the idea)

 

[Scottgun]

But she is not going to score any points by screaming furiously.

She might indeed. When my wife discovered one of my sins, she had a bad reaction (not screaming) that shamed me into quitting immediately. There are some sins that evaporate immediately when exposed and don’t require any time at all. Now it may be that this is not true in this particular case, but bottom line, while she needs to prudently decide and pray how to respond, she ought to let him know somehow that she knows what he is doing and that she disapproves. He may indeed scurry for darkness when the light of Truth is turned on, but that beats never turning in it on.

Scott

 

[Black_Jaque]

That said, yes, she has an obligation to teach him, but she is not going to score any points by screaming furiously.

I’m not so sure that’s really true. There are feminists who think that husbands ought not to pester their wives too much. Consequently there are wives who’ve told their husbands to go take care of themselves.

If Heaven and Hell aren’t worth getting emotional about then what is?

It’s not like she’s expecting too much of him. She’s willing to be there for him in his times of need. So, you bet she’s got every reason to be angry.

I think the big thing to focus on though is his bad experiences with previous child rearing. It’s left a bad taste in his mouth…

 

[hasikelee]

I’d run along the lines you mentioned in your post, OP. You say you feel useless, used, helpless and ignored by him. He doesn’t need you.

Is that how he wants you to feel? Does he know you feel this way?

If you think this is some secret he is keeping from you, then casually bringing up the subject could help you to tell him your deep felt feelings on the subject without blaming him or putting him on the defense.

 

[backtothefaith]

To all- thank you for taking time to offer your advice and encouragement. It is a blessing!

To CM- I understand that it may sound as if I’m making alot of demands on my husband, and if, indeed I am, it is certainly not my intention.
Back in Oct. when I started going to my church’s class for returning Catholics I specifically tried not to be pushy or preachy with him because I didn’t want to turn him off to the faith. I was aware that it was a huge step for him. I knew that if it was meant to be for him to convert, it would be in God’s time.
When it became apparent to me how aberrant the use of artificial birth control really was I knew that I didn’t want any part of it, so it may be that I appeared somewhat obstinate about not wanting to use it, I don’t know. I do know that I didn’t refuse to be intimate on those grounds.
The way I proceeded was to let him know the Church’s stance and the reasons for that stance and, also how I felt, and then I left it up to him whether or not to use a condom. Knowing my husband like I do (he tends to get upset if he thinks I’m trying to force his mind on an issue) I knew that I could not be confrontational on this issue because I would run the risk of chasing him away from the Church, but I also knew that I really did not want to keep sinning.
I completely, completely agree that he needs to come to full acceptance of the faith in his own time, and I’m all for that, I want him to do it for himself, not for me. My problem is that until he comes to the awareness that birth control is a sin, I don’t want to be guilty of something that I know is a sin. In God’s eyes, he might not be guilty, but I feel like I am. For all I know, it could take him another year or two before he comes to that realization.
As for the other woman thing, now that I’m thinking more clearly, of course I don’t think that would be preferable. When I posted my letter, I was speaking from a heart that felt rejected and I was pretty emotional.
About the idea of being celibate, for awhile I made a point not to encourage my husband and not to do anything remotely provocative in order that we might avoid the situation. But then, last month there were two or three times when he didn’t use a condom, I don’t know why, I didn’t question him, I just assumed he had reached that decision. Something must have changed in his mind though, maybe he got scared, because that was a month ago, and we’ve not been together since.

To Exiled- Again, I am not trying to force my newfound faith on anyone. It is such a blessing to watch my husband grow in the knowledge that he has found, and to know completely that it is due to the Holy Spirit working in him, and not because he feels pressure from his wife. On this one issue, I have just been confused as to how to go about extricating myself from a sinful situation, while at the same time not pressuring my husband.

To hlmem- I have actually shared with him much of what I’ve discovered, which amounts to basically a few articles off the internet. I’m afraid to push too much on him, in the way of written material, because for one- he doesn’t like reading, two-I have to be careful about not pushing him away. Again, I don’t want to pressure him. I just want to disengage myself from this sin until he comes to the realization himself that it is a sin.

I am definitely going to look into the NFP and talk to my husband about it. Thank you!

 

[carol_marie]

It’s not like she’s expecting too much of him. She’s willing to be there for him in his times of need. So, you bet she’s got every reason to be angry. She said they should live celbate or without birth control - which is drastically different from what they had been doing. One spouse cannot just up & change the rules overnight - it isn’t fair.

I think the big thing to focus on though is his bad experiences with previous child rearing. It’s left a bad taste in his mouth…

Did I miss something?  I thought he was afraid they couldn't afford more children which could very well be true.  Would God provide?  Of course, but you can't expect a person who is just recently interested in the Church to appreciate this.

If the goal is for him to be Catholic & faithful to the teachings of the Church - I think the wife needs to spend ALOT more time investigating NFP, more time in prayer & less time peeking at him in the shower.

 

[carol_marie]

Backtothefaith,
After reading your second post, it sounds like we’re on the same page. It is SOOOOO difficult, I know, when you feel a strong conviction about something & your husband doesn’t. I was in your shoes - totally. When I felt called to the Catholic Church, my husband (a former Catholic) thought I was nuts. He said it was if someone had taken his Protestant Wife & replaced her with ME - someone he no longer recognized. It was a very hard time.

But I waited on God. I decided that I would follow my heart & remain faithful to what I was called to do (no birth control) but as for my husband - I decided that was between him & God. My nagging or sadness (like crying afterwards - been there, done that) was NOT helping.

I soooooo want your husband to join you in your journey - and I believe he is much more likely to if you allow the Holy Spirit to work in His life - just as He has worked in yours.

I’m sorry if my other post came off harsh. You are in my prayers.

 

[Black_Jaque]

No, she said it would be better for them to remain celebate than to use birth control. Which is true.

She’s telling it like it is. She’s not insisting on celebacy, just insisting on no ABC. She’s not bound to use and ABC herself just because her hubby isn’t fully aboard the Catholic ship.

She may be bound to receive her husband even if he’s contracepting. I’m not certain though.

 

[Scottgun]

less time peeking at him in the shower.

She can’t unring that bell. He is doing something objectively and gravely wrong which demands it be pointed out, much in the same way we are obliged to warn someone who is about to walk over a cliff.

Scott

 

[WenckebachCath]

I read once in Readers Digest that over 90% of men masturbate at least occasionally after marriage. I think many women are fooling themselves that their husband doesn’t ever do it, such as in the 6 weeks after childbirth, or during periods of separation otherwise.

 

[hlmem]

OP

What did you mean in your response “I dont want to push him away”

I dont know you personally but that might be an issue if you do not feel your marriage is strong enough to handle such discussions