Please help-caught my husband 'relieving' himself

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I just read the recent posts (thank you guys!) and, now realize that I need to bring this up with him somehow. To be honest, it will be extremely embarrassing (for him too, I’m sure). I can’t imagine how ashamed he would feel if he thought I knew. I want to spare him embarrassment, but what’s worse, a little embarrassment or the fires of hell, right? I just want to proceed lightly so as not to cause the wedge between us to grow.
Like I mentioned, my husband’s radar really goes off when it detects anything coming from me perceived as criticism or trying to change his opinions, beliefs, etc… He’s always known I would love to have more children (as many as God would send me!) and after one of the times (mentioned in my last post) last month when we didn’t use condoms he made some comment about how he guessed that made me happy (don’t remember his exact words), but his attitude seemed to suggest he sees it as a power struggle between us (what he wants vs. what I want).
I certainly don’t want him to have a grudge against the Catholic Church just because it’s views on sex happen to coincide with mine. I don’t want him to think that I am trying to manipulate him into having more kids, if that makes any sense. Hopefully when I tell him about NFP he might be more reassured about that.
But, back to the issue at hand, any ideas about how to bring the whole ‘shower’ episode to light? If he feels like I’ve got him backed into a corner, it could set off fireworks. But, I don’t think I can go on without telling him, because it does hurt like crazy to not feel wanted in that way. Any suggestions are appreciated. Thanks a bushel!
 
WenckebachCath said:
I read once in Readers Digest that over 90% of men masturbate at least occasionally after marriage. I think many women are fooling themselves that their husband doesn’t ever do it, such as in the 6 weeks after childbirth, or during periods of separation otherwise.
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Even if we grant the stat, 90% of men masturbating doesn’t make it right.

Scott
 
Here is an interesting commentary from a non-Catholic Christian point of view regarding masturbation within marriage. While it may differ with the strict Catholic teaching, it does offer some good insights…

Masturbation in Marriage
 
WenckebachCath said:
Here is an interesting commentary from a non-Catholic Christian point of view regarding masturbation within marriage. While it may differ with the strict Catholic teaching, it does offer some good insights…

Masturbation in Marriage
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In other parts of this section, we have stated that we do not see masturbation as inherently sinful for singles.
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One need read no further to recognize that not only does it differ from Chruch teaching, it flat out rejects it. Masturbation is always and everywhere gravely and objectively wrong. Whatever truth is in that site, it is obliterated by the giant lie that there is nothing objectively wrong with it and as such cannot be said to have good insights.

Scott
 
www.marriagebuilders.com

This site has books on it that include reproducible charts. That way you can both go through a list and write things out openly, then share the lists with each other. It can be a good, non-confrontational way for you to both talk about this issue.

Also, PAIRS is an amazing group. They have workshops you can attend, or books you can study in home. The practice of PAIRS is a step by step rejuvenation of the couple interaction so that you can both communicate effectively and lovingly. PAIRS also promotes a “temperature reading” daily, with each person given 100% time and attention to talk about everything from " I felt…" to “I want” to “I don’t like”
 
hlmem,
Oh, I didn’t mean pushing him away from me, I meant pushing him away from the church. What I’ve seen in him so far is just astounding, and I don’t want to mess with a good thing. At one time he didn’t even go to church, he started going with me and my oldest daughter when she was a baby. He was raised a Baptist, and, around here anyway (in the Bible Belt), most Protestants seem to have a lot of issues with the Catholics. So you can imagine my surprise when he just up and decided when I came back to the Church, that he would come as well. And, after attending only one Remember class for returning Catholics on my own, would you believe he started going? And now, just 4 months later, he is saying he wants to become Catholic! My husband is not someone to just jump into something like that. Proof that God works wonders. To think that once upon a time I even despaired of ever getting him in church.
As for reconciling his views on ABC with the Catholic view, I guess he’ll have to work that out somehow since he does want to join the Church. Unfortunately, he has talked to people who are on his side as far as ABC (apparently most of society is!) is concerned and how hard it is financially raising kids in this day and age, and hasn’t talked to anyone on the other side of the coin. One of those people is a Catholic who apparently endorsed birth control to my husband, which is giving him the wrong idea.
Whoever mentioned that I ought to introduce him to someone with a big family to show him it was possible was right on the money. That’s a good idea! Personally, I truly believe if we are doing God’s will, and his will is certainly for us to be open to procreation, then he is going to provide for us.
Unfortunately, we live in a culture that is so engrained in the artificial birth control mindset, that people have such a hard time opening their eyes to the other viewpoint. It’s a shame that women who want babies have to face being looked at like they’re crazy and unreasonable. Oops, another long one, I’m going to have to quit this!
 
As to a spouse using ABC I found the following helpful, it is from the Vademecum for Confessors:
Special difficulties are presented by cases of cooperation in the sin of a spouse who voluntarily renders the unitive act infecund. In the first place, it is necessary to distinguish cooperation in the proper sense, from violence or unjust imposition on the part of one of the spouses, which the other spouse in fact cannot resist.46, 561).] This cooperation can be licit when the three following conditions are jointly met:
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  1. when the action of the cooperating spouse is not already illicit in itself;47
  2. when proportionally grave reasons exist for cooperating in the sin of the other spouse;
  3. when one is seeking to help the other spouse to desist from such conduct (patiently, with prayer, charity and dialogue; although not necessarily in that moment, nor on every single occasion).
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The whole document can be found here:

benedettoxvi.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/family/documents/rc_pc_family_doc_12021997_vademecum_en.html
 
Hi,

Back to the OP, can you rule out any medical problems your husband might have? Fluctuations in testosterone caused by any abnormalities in the endocrine system can cause extremely high levels of testosterone. You may, for the sake of his health have him visit a urologist or endocrinologist to test various hormone levels in his body. Good luck with it all, I wish I could be of more help, but I am not a Priest.

Peace,
Lee44
 
he made some comment about how he guessed that made me happy (don’t remember his exact words), but his attitude seemed to suggest he sees it as a power struggle between us (what he wants vs. what I want).
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To which the best response would have been, “Oh YES! That made me VERY happy!!! Do you have any more of that???”
 
To Black Jaque,
Loved that response! Why couldn't I have thought of it then?
 
WenckebachCath said:
I read once in Readers Digest that over 90% of men masturbate at least occasionally after marriage. I think many women are fooling themselves that their husband doesn’t ever do it, such as in the 6 weeks after childbirth, or during periods of separation otherwise.
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I can always count on Wenckeback to provide a dose of “reality”. Thanks…😃
 
Sophocles referred to his impotence as an “escape from a mad and savage master." It’s an old problem.
 
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