Please Help!!! I am absolutely misserable in my marriage.

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Convert_in_99

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My dream was always to find a good catholic husband and have lots of children.

Reality, catholic men would not stay with me because of my mental illnesses, so I found a nice protestant man who stayed with me despite the mental illness. First time that ever happened so I decided to marry this man cause I didn’t want to let go of this once in a lifetime (so I thought) chance of being loved by a guy.

We married in the catholic church and received dispensation to do so. After 7+ years we have STILL not been able to have children.

So it is bad enough that my deepest longing and dream was totally shattered. But, it gets worse.

My husband has really got a bad temper at times and used to yell at me for everything, call me names, threaten me, tell me what to do or not to do. No physical violence (wouldn’t stick around for that). But, through the years it got better…a lot better. Things were going very well, in spite of the other bad things like different faiths and infertility and limited intimacy (both physical and emotional). As long as I went with the flow things were really going well. My husband even went to church with me most every week and to other catholic meetings and retreats and everything. So I stuck with him.

Long story short, it came back, just recently, and this time I stood up to him. Threatened to leave him, and told him my spiritual director said to call the police if I couldn’t get him to stop with the verbal abuse and yelling. So, he stopped. But now, I am being given the silent treatment. He lets me do whatever I want and no longer tells me what to do, but he doesn’t talk to me and said he wasn’t going to share his thoughts or feelings with me anymore. And sex for him is a “have to” once a week or so just to get me to quit nagging him. I feel so totally lonely, abandoned, neglected. I feel like I am all alone.

Husband refuses counseling, at least “while money is tight” (money is ALWAYS tight!) and wont go on a spiritual marriage retreat with me. He won’t talk to my spiritual director anymore or even his minister. He seems done with all that religious stuff and doesn’t come to church with me anymore.

My spiritual director says my marriage is sacramental and blessed by the church so, even if I have to separate from husband for a time to get away from this unpleasant situation, that I must not divorce or seek an annulment. He really thinks that God is going to turn this situation around for us. :rolleyes: I have my doubts. Big time!

Let’s just say God and I aren’t on the best of terms right now. I know “I made this bed and now I must sleep in it” but I really didn’t feel like I had a choice. No one else was willing to marry a mentally ill person like me. 😦 Now I’m stuck in this horrible situation and I am on the verge of just wanting to end my life rather than endure this anymore. I can’t provide for myself fully due to mental illnesses and I don’t have much family alive. In fact, my mom is dead and if I went back to my father, he’d treat me as bad or worse than my husband. He has done so before when I’m under his roof. 😦

I feel so helpless, hopeless, lonely, abandoned. I have no one to go to that won’t treat me as bad or worse. What am I supposed to do? :crying:
 
I have no answers for you, but I have seen your posts on your marriage and I will put you in my prayers.

😦
 
I am so sorry you are in this situation. I cannot help but think that it is a blessing that there are no children in this marriage. What a nightmare it would be for them to witness this type of interaction between their mother and father!

I will keep you in prayer. I hope you remember that in God all things are possible.
 
My deepest sympathies for your situation. I pray that you can find a solution that will improve your life, and your husband’s, and restore your marriage.

Two thoughts. First, I question the advice of your spiritual director that you must not divorce or seek an annulment. Given what you have said, you should at least explore the possibility of an annulment.

Second, you need to get counseling for yourself. Check with your diocese; they likely have a social service component that includes counseling for individuals and couples with a Catholic therapist. If your husband won’t go with you, you should still seek marital counseling for yourself. That process may help you in determining your next steps, which could include seeking an annulment.
 
LSK said:
I cannot help but think that it is a blessing that there are no children in this marriage. What a nightmare it would be for them to witness this type of interaction between their mother and father!
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I can see your point, BUT this hurt me pretty bad. You have NO idea what infertility is like. NO idea. 😦
 
chaunceygardner said:
My deepest sympathies for your situation. I pray that you can find a solution that will improve your life, and your husband’s, and restore your marriage.

Two thoughts. First, I question the advice of your spiritual director that you must not divorce or seek an annulment. Given what you have said, you should at least explore the possibility of an annulment.

Second, you need to get counseling for yourself. Check with your diocese; they likely have a social service component that includes counseling for individuals and couples with a Catholic therapist. If your husband won’t go with you, you should still seek marital counseling for yourself. That process may help you in determining your next steps, which could include seeking an annulment.
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I am in counseling have been for many years. I’m also on several mental health medications.

There is more than just looking into annulment for me. First of all I couldn’t get the money required for a tribunal case. Second, who would I stay with? Most of my family is dead. And living with my father would be as bad or worse. (I found it much worse personally.) So…considering I can’t financially support myself? What the heck am I supposed to do? Being materially provided for is one of the things that has made me keep going this far. 🤷 Cause as bad as it is with my husband at times, it’s twice as bad with my father. 😦
 
I agree, it’s not prudent to think about remarriage or annulment at this time. If you are in a situation where your health or safety is at risk, you most definitely need to live in the present moment, not in what you should have done in the past or what some longed for fantasy future might hold.

You need to be safe. Call a domestic violence center or 211 and explain your situation. Find out what resources they have for you.

You are wise to not want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. Find out what your options are to get out.

Just because someone is disabled, does not mean they should have to live with abuse.
 
Find out what resources are available to help you get out. Visit your local Human Services Agency & speak with a social worker. You could qualify for assistance as long as you are a student full time or work at least part time. (in my state) Get your name on the waiting list for housing. Here we have an agency called Work Force One that has a Resource Room where you can look for jobs. They have counselors & classes that help with resumes, interviewing skills & such.

Step One- Build a support system (friends, family, church & counseling) and check out your Resources
Step Two-Have a plan

Thats all I have so far. I’m in Step One.

I’ve been married for 22 yrs. I have 3 teens: 19,17 &15. Over the years I have hit every Christian denomination church for help. I’ve been told to love him out of it, he’s not saved, stay for my kids, work on myself first, submit, you can only leave if he cheats or beats, and much more useless advice. All the Christian Pastors or counselors just wanted to take credit for ‘saving’ my marriage. No one validated my pain or wanted to help me leave.

I came across the wheel of power & control. (google it) He does everyone one of those things & some not even mentioned. (except violence)

My biggest fear in all of this is that the Catholic Church that I came to love will desert me if I follow through with divorce.

My husband is now using his tyrant control tactics on my teens. I’m working on my exit plan.

I’ve been isolated & have no friends. I haven’t worked for 17 years. I homeschooled my kids. They have dyslexia & 2 of them have rare pediatric diseases. I have been so occupied helping them.

Prayers for you! Just start at Step One, pray and see where it leads you.
 
Convert, you are disabled, so, I assume you receive some sort of disability payments. Google “my town/my state subsidized housing for the disabled” and you will find apartments that are available to you, start calling them.

To both you and Luv, I would recommend keeping a journal of what it is that your husbands are doing and saying to you. It will give you a better perspective once you see it all down there in black and white. I also recommend that you call a domestic violence center because they will help you to piece it together and get how it all fits together.

Luv, you might want to contact an attorney to know what your situation as a stay at home mom would mean in the event of a divorce. You both might want to do that, but I recommend a domestic violence center first just because they will refer you to where you need to go to find help.

Really though, worry about separating, not divorcing at this point. That direction will work itself out once you are somewhere safe.
 
I’m praying for you. I know it isn’t easy. But ask God to help you get through the rough times. Just say it out loud, “God, this hurts so much. I offer it all to you. Please help me get through this day. In Jesusl’ name I pray.”
He will help you get through the day. Say it every day and follow the advice of the other posters. May God bless you with strength, faith, peace, hope and love…
 
My heart hurts for you dear friend. The only small advice that I can give you is to begin to really focus on healing yourself an doing what you can to make yourself a better Catholic, wife and human being. Focus on the things that you can do to improve yourself and hopefully the changes in you will facilitate changes in your husband. Remember that the two of you are now joined as one and that you are interdependent on one another in your salvation. I will pray for you. Keep your head up and know that it will all be ok. God bless.
 
Convert_in_99 said:
I can see your point, BUT this hurt me pretty bad. You have NO idea what infertility is like. NO idea. 😦
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Yeah, I thought “ouch” when I read that post too. 😦 I’ll be praying for all your intentions. My Aunt had a child when she was older and she really struggled with infertility for years. I don’t know how old you are, but sometimes miracles do happen. I hope one happens for you.

I’ll pray for your husband to recognize that he needs to agree to counseling and that yelling and the silent treatment are not okay. Everything breaks down if communication breaks down. Wish I had helpful advice but I’ve never been married and I’m not any sort of counselor. I do know the pain of wanting children and not being able to have them, though. I’ve wanted children for years, but I haven’t found a husband yet (and there are not any guarantees in any case.) Don’t lose hope though! Keep praying and seeking help. You’ll be in my prayers. Let us know how things go. :hug1:
 
Thank you to all who posted. 🙂

I know leaving seems the best thing to do, and it might end up being so temporarily. But my spiritual director, counselor and family all really want me to work this out eventually. They believe in the permanency of marriage and so do I. But I really appreciate those who gave me links and advice as how I could leave temporarily or (God-forbid) permanently if those proved necessary.

That being said I am really trying my hardest to make this work. I know we don’t have kids and so there’s no real “family” to try to stick it out for, but all the more so because we don’t have kids I feel like I should try to make it work. I’m the only one who will get hurt, and if it leads to my husband’s conversion of heart and soul, then it would be all worth it in my eyes.

Thanks to all who are praying for us, please continue to do so! Bless you! 🙂
 
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Had I known ‘back then’ what I know ‘now’ through Jesus and our Holy Mother Mary; the first thing I would have done was to have ‘handed over all of my Marriage to Jesus and Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus’ through The Holy Rosaries prayed twice a day; as I have with the many things that Jesus and Mother Mary have done through my life and in particular over the past few years ‘since’ I have fully opened up my Heart to Jesus in which He and Mother Mary have answered everything prayed for, not only for myself, but my Children and many other causes too!

Leave all of your Marriage and situation to Jesus; fully!

The time has not been wasted; you have both learned from one another through God; however now God has you at the point where He has nudged you further to open up your Heart more fully to Him and our Holy Blessed Mother for His Divine Loving Intercession!

Love and Happiness to you my Sister in Christ
 
I see this post was written a while back but I wanted to go ahead and recommend talking to a lady named Patricia Evans. She has written five books on verbal abuse, and she will talk to you on the phone. She is very compassionate.

Here is her website:

verbalabuse.com/

If your husband can change, she will help him to do it.

If not, you are --not–required to stay in the marriage. It’s in the church documents.

Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.
 
I will be praying for you. My heart is torn just by reading your situation. I’m feel sorry that you’re being treated as such and I truly hope it turns out well.

I would say to not part away from God. He is your strengthener and ask him for his strength and guidance in these difficult times. I am not sure why something like this has happened, but I do think that through time and some real communication between you and God as well as in the marriage, you can get through this.
 
I am so sorry to hear this. I would like to encourage you to find a therapist who deal in domestic abuse/violence I know you are not being physically abused but it is easier to find. I would also look for someone who does not use “Christian counseling” because some will have you work it out no matter what, just to balance out what your spiritual director is telling you. I would also look into your options. What kind of assistance you are able to get, try and work to get out of the house, make new friends. Lastly, start looking for an attorney. I am not saying divorce is imminent, but I think knowing your options might make you feel better.
The problem with divorce statistics is that people are divorcing for the wrong reasons, and staying married for the wrong reasons. Abused people often stay, and many leave without trying to work it out.
 
In addition to dealing with your husband, you may also need to evaluate the effects on your fertility of any medication you are taking for your mental health issues.
best wishes
 
For you & Luv …

Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is
The fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of God,
Pray for us sinners now and at the
Hour of our death.
Amen.
 
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