Please help,I am frightened

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Kate_Elasmar

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Please help if you can, I think I need some other perspectives and I can’t do this by myself right now.

I have never written on a site like this and I am a bit nervous about it. I am 30, British, married with no children yet, a teacher and until a year ago I thought I was doing ok. I would consider myself to be a usually average Catholic, church, prayer- having faith was as natural and as unremarkable as breathing.

Last year on 27th October my younger brother, Tom was killed in Iraq. He was a British Officer. He was only 27. He was 2 weeks away from returning. I keep having nightmares- 3-4 times a week that I am trying to stop him getting in that jeep or I am trying to pull him out.

Tom and I were very close- our parents did their best but my mum told both of us very young that her love was not unconditional. Whatever we did was not good enough- my being a teacher was seen as a failure that I could not succeed in the real world. They dislike my husband and constantly belittled me and Tom. The only thing they were proud of was his being in the army. Tom and I had each other through bad times and good- we knew that we would be there for each other. A month before he was killed, Tom had lost 3 men in another attack. He was able to ring me and talk through how devastated he was. I will always be grateful for that.

The first few months were terrible. Temporarily my parents and I seemed to be getting on better. I wanted to be with them and they seemed to need me. (4 years ago they moved to France.) My husband, friends and work were incredibly supportive.

Now the 1st anniversary is on Saturday and my parents are no longer speaking to me again. I am going to see a counseller to help me come to terms with my grief and my dad thinks that is weak and self indulgent. My mother has called me a ***** and said that I am irrelevant. They have both said that Tom didn’t really love me and that any feelings I have are ridiculous and cannot compare to the loss of their son. They have said that I have made the last ten years of their life a misery. They intentionally hid the date of Tom’s inquest from me so I couldn’t go and many more things that I am too upset to mention. (including a letter to all our relatives and my friends saying how they’ve had to cope with this loss alone and how horrible I am)

If they had been loving parents before I would think this is their grief talking, but it isn’t. I am so ashamed- I keep asking myself what have I done to cause such dislike from them. I truly truly cannot think of anything, please believe me, I am aware that you may be thinking she must be an awful daughter if her parents behave like this but please believe me I am just a regular person.

Tom is buried in France, in the village where my parents live. They don’t want me to go there for his anniversary, but my husband and I are flying over anyway- just for the day, not for a conflict- I hope not to see them, all I want is to put some flowers on his grave and be with him, my parents have removed the everlasting flowers that I had put there before.

I’ve gone on and on, I’m sorry. I’m frightened that I’m losing my faith. I don’t want to, I keep trying to pray, but I find myself feeling angry that Tom has gone like this. I don’t see the point of going on- everything seems futile at the moment. People say it takes time, but I don’t want time. The idea of spending another possible 50 years without my brother is agony. This is not to dismiss my husband or my love for him. He is wonderful- but he can’t see how I can still love my parents when they behave this way and for him, the concept of faith is not so strong. He is a Catholic, but frankly admits he doesn’t know if God is really there. I’ve tried talking to my parish priest and one of the sisters. They were kind and let me cry and brought me tissues, but could not provide any actual advice.

I don’t know that you can either, I’m just sending this out into the ether because I don’t know what else to do, Suppose we are just railing against the darkness, supposing it is all an illusion? or a way of trying to stave off hopelessness? I don’t want to not believe, I want to know there is a spirituality to life and a purpose but I can’t find it right now and I’m scared, I feel like I am falling through darkness of shrieking into the abyss. Maybe you think that is melodramatic- I’m sorry, I can’t help it.

I would welcome your thoughts and views, truly I don’t know what to do.

Thank you
 
Kate_Elasmar said:
I would welcome your thoughts and views, truly I don’t know what to do.
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I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I do not know whether the help you are seeking can be found via the internet or not. I suspect that you should again speak to a Priest (perhaps one other than the one you spoke with earlier).

I have to say this, and I hope that you will forgive me but your parents need some help too.:mad: Either that or you need to separate yourself from them while you deal with the loss of your brother. They are causing too much stress and you need to avoid their cruel words/actions.

I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you.
 
Dear Kate…Barb here…

What an overwhelming sad story and my very real condolences to you at the loss of a beloved brother.
I think you are doing the very best thing you can in seeing a counsellor. It is not unusual in the journey of Faith for some major crisis to throw one into conflicts and doubts. You are in a dark and anxiety filled, frightening and entirely depressing ‘place’ - it is a time to lean on Faith if you are at all able. God is The Always Faithful, the Forever There …why has He allowed you to be in this dreadful ‘place’ in your life - like many things it is mystery. His own Son went to Calvary and crucifixion. So many have horrific sufferings in this life. You may not be able to actually feel God there and Caring with Great Love and Concern…but He is - He surely is…but are you able to rest with some Peace anyway in it by simply making an act of Faith in your mind? This would be the greatest prayer of all perhaps - to make an Act of Faith when one cannot feel Faith at all - in fact when Faith seems to be under threat and attack.
Life can be like that: questions that we cannot find answer to and may not be able to ever find answers to e.g. “Why did Tom have to die when many soldiers return home safe?” I lost my beloved brother when he was 29 years old and so I know something anyway of what you are enduring. Why am I suffering the way I am? Many why’s perhaps, but just no answers.
I cannot say anything to the quite cruel attitudes of your parents to perhaps help you with any sort of answer. I hope that your counsellor might be able to do so. The resolution and Peace that can come with counselling at times is not usually achieved quickly but over time I hope that you will find Peace. I hope that your counsellor will be able to facilitate your separation emotionally from your parents in that you are able to let them think whatever they may, and have the attitudes that they may…while you are able to have your own shared with your husband and thus disempower them from such influence over you emotionally and mentally.
I hope you are able to lean on your husband and also your counsellor and the priest and nun who are supporting you…there may be only tears, many tears and going over and over the story and the suffering again and again and all these tears and fears need to come out and be expressed and probably before all starts to improve for you and you begin to heal emotionally and mentally. Perhaps Father and Sister are not offering advice at this point, perhaps it is not the time, rather just to be there for you and let everything come out. And perhpas the tears and the fears have been building up since before your brother died but you kept them in…now there is a great explosion of grief - and entirely understandable.

I doubt very much that the bitter attitude and the incorrect one that you parents have and attempt to spread is not being seen through by the rest of your family. They may not be saying anything not wanting such venom to come their way. Usually we do see through such people, even if we dont say anything. I hope this is so in your family!
Also, it is not unusual for families at loggerheads to resolve or seem to resolve their differences at a family funeral…nor is it unusual that when grief is not as acute as it is at the funeral, for the some old and at times, ugly differences to surface again and be active. This is terribly sad,but as I say it is not unusal.

I hope that here in the CAF Forums we can be of support to you as you go into the couselling situation further. I know the panic that can threaten to drown one completely as one seems to be facing an abyss of despair and blackness. You are suffering terribly and I wish I could reach across the miles (I’m in Sth. Austrarlia) and heal you.

God Bless you and I will keep you in prayer and be hoping prayerfully to that I and other CAF posters may be able to offer you some comfort and support at this overwhelmingly distressing and grief filled time of very real loss in your life…Barb:)
There is always the Private Messaging system it just occured to me too.
 
My condolences on the loss of both your brother (physically) and your parents (emotionally.) I agree with previous responses that you should seek some close by that can help you, a good holy priest would be highly desirable. Something that I would add is to pray for your parents. This act of love can only spread and increase love in your life. Do not let your parents come between you and your husband, Jesus says, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder (Matthew 19:6).” If your husband can not understand, tell him don’t try to understand, just support me in this. Your act of love could bring him to a deeper faith. Please find someone very holy to talk to about this. Remember when all seems dark, God’s hand is near.
Psalm 22:

[1] My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?
Why art thou so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning?
[2] O my God, I cry by day, but thou dost not answer;
and by night, but find no rest.
[3] Yet thou art holy,
enthroned on the praises of Israel.
[4] In thee our fathers trusted;
they trusted, and thou didst deliver them.
[5] To thee they cried, and were saved;
in thee they trusted, and were not disappointed.
[6] But I am a worm, and no man;
scorned by men, and despised by the people.
[7] All who see me mock at me,
they make mouths at me, they wag their heads;
[8] “He committed his cause to the LORD; let him deliver him,
let him rescue him, for he delights in him!”
[9] Yet thou art he who took me from the womb;
thou didst keep me safe upon my mother’s breasts.
[10] Upon thee was I cast from my birth,
and since my mother bore me thou hast been my God.
[11] Be not far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is none to help.
[12] Many bulls encompass me,
strong bulls of Bashan surround me;
[13] they open wide their mouths at me,
like a ravening and roaring lion.
[14] I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint;
my heart is like wax,
it is melted within my breast;
[15] my strength is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue cleaves to my jaws;
thou dost lay me in the dust of death.
[16] Yea, dogs are round about me;
a company of evildoers encircle me;
they have pierced my hands and feet –
[17] I can count all my bones –
they stare and gloat over me;
[18] they divide my garments among them,
and for my raiment they cast lots.
[19] But thou, O LORD, be not far off!
O thou my help, hasten to my aid!
[20] Deliver my soul from the sword,
my life from the power of the dog!
[21] Save me from the mouth of the lion,
my afflicted soul from the horns of the wild oxen!
[22] I will tell of thy name to my brethren;
in the midst of the congregation I will praise thee:
[23] You who fear the LORD, praise him!
all you sons of Jacob, glorify him,
and stand in awe of him, all you sons of Israel!
[24] For he has not despised or abhorred
the affliction of the afflicted;
and he has not hid his face from him,
but has heard, when he cried to him.
[25] From thee comes my praise in the great congregation;
my vows I will pay before those who fear him.
[26] The afflicted shall eat and be satisfied;
those who seek him shall praise the LORD!
May your hearts live for ever!
[27] All the ends of the earth shall remember
and turn to the LORD;
and all the families of the nations
shall worship before him.
[28] For dominion belongs to the LORD,
and he rules over the nations.
[29] Yea, to him shall all the proud of the earth bow down;
before him shall bow all who go down to the dust,
and he who cannot keep himself alive.
[30] Posterity shall serve him;
men shall tell of the Lord to the coming generation,
[31] and proclaim his deliverance to a people yet unborn,
that he has wrought it.
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Kate,

First, go to the prayer request thread and post some or all of your original post there. The prayer warriors on this forum are exceptional.

God has truly entrusted some challenging crosses to you. He will not leave you. Your brother’s death, though tragic for you and your parents, is truly his glorious birth into heaven.

I read somewhere, “Death is God’s way of saying your table is ready.”

In your sadness, try to rejoice that your brother has eternally arrived. Time heals by allowing you to grow into your life without him. The true healing comes from true acceptance of God’s will and submission to His plan and trust in His love and providence. Seeing your brother’s death through the lens of eternity is very healing.

Here are a couple of threads. The first I posted on just this morning. forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=193547

This one I posted when I was in need of prayers. It is an old thread so I don’t recommend adding to it.
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=103882&highlight=struggling+nightmare

Sadly, I have no advice to give regarding your relationship with your parents or with their strange behavior other than to pray for them.

You also expressed a concern about loss of faith. We have both Christian and non-Christian writings affirming the existence, crucifixion, and death of a man named Jesus. We have writings detailing His apostles defending the accounts of His teachings and resurrection to the death. Finally, we have many miracles through the years. EVERY major religion believes in a afterlife reward/heaven.

Don’t we often yearn for something that we can’t quite put our finger on? We are like the “fish out of water”. We are aliens. We were created for heaven and deep down in our souls we know there is more, so much more, than this earthly life.

Jennifer
 
Jesus loves you.

This is hard to believe when your parents have lacked so much love towards you, but that is their lacking and not yours.

I am very sorry for the loss of your brother who clearly loved you and you loved him. A person does not open up to someone like your brother did to you unless you deeply love them and trust them. You treasure that phone call, it is a clear sign of the deep love your brother had for you in his heart.

When you were born God gave your parents a high and serious vocation to love you as He loves you. They have thus far failed to do this. Just because someone gives birth to a child and bears the name mother and the name father does not mean they are fulfilling that name.

I am a mother and I cannot imagine treating my child this way, I would be proud of her if her living was emptying the bins. As long as she is happy, that would please me greatly. If my daughter did wrong things in life I would always love her the same and she would always have a home in my home. Your parents are treating you appallingly, love overcomes all things, love is indistructable no matter what happens in life. I find it abominable to hear that you are suffering so much at the hands of your parents.

It is true that children blame themselves for their parents faults. As your are an adult now, I think it is time you put the blame where the blame lies. As your parents persist in treatng you badly even at a time where families should draw together and support each other regardless of past events, I would now keep my distance from them.

You go and place your flowers with your husband who loves you very much too. It doesn’t matter if your parents remove them, place them and make your visit, this is what is important. Your brother is always with you in spirit and he is with Jesus. Your brother knows you love him and knows you are placing the flowers, so you go and do it.

In the certitude of my faith I can say to you, Jesus is real. Jesus does not want you to suffer and is sorry you are suffering, Jesus loves you and He is always with you even in the darkest times of your life, Jesus enters the dark times with you and will never leave you. Your faith is fine, there is nothing wrong with your faith, it’s hard to see someone in the ‘dark’, but Jesus is with you in the ‘dark’. Clinging to faith by the skin of your teeth in dark times does not mean loss of faith, it means a great faith under duress. Your faith is great.

Take comfort in the love of your husband and spend quality time together and make sure there are plenty of hugs between you.🙂

I would say stop trying to please someone who through their own inadequacy isn’t even pleased with themselves, hard task masters like these lack so much in themself, especially they lack love and mercy. You cannot fix them and you can’t keep destroying yourself by placing yourself in harms way.

I assure you Jesus is very pleased with you because you have loved where you have received no love. Pray for your mother and father and place them in the Merciful Heart of Jesus.

The love, kindness and peace of Jesus to you and your husband. The healing and consolation of the Holy Spirit to you both. The Love and Will of the Father to you both. The protection of the Blessed Virgin Mother Mary for you both and my sincere condolences and much love and prayers.

In the Living Prayer of my life
 
Kate_Elasmar said:
Please help if you can, I think I need some other perspectives and I can’t do this by myself right now.

…
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Dear Kate,
Your post has touched my heart. Grieving is so hard on us especially the first year. It’s the year of firsts (first time without that person for every special occassion). Seeing a counciler is a very good idea, I would also suggest that you join a local group for coping with the loss of a loved one. Your local funeral home will probably will have one so contact them for more information. I have never lost a child but I do know someone who lost her only 22 year daughter to a horrific car crash. It’s been over 20 years and she is still grieving and there are still fights over who loved her the most at almost every family get together. The loss of a child is different that the loss of a parent or sibling. The women I am speaking of did benefit from attending those meetings because she could see how she was not alone. As for the dreams that you are having it’s probably from trama. I had reocurring nightmares after my home was broken into. I would suggest that you go for confession and add a prayer routine before you go to sleep. Don’t be afraid. I will say a special prayer for you.
 
Kate -
I know how you feel.

I lost my brother last year at 27 to a drug overdose.
My dad was non-existant mentally when we were children due to drugs. My mom was terribly abusive physically and mentally. Although I think the mental abuse is worse. For example the first time a boy called my house I was like 13 and my mom looked at me and called me a slut. I started crying and asked her why she would call me that and she said “because why else would a boy call me?”

I also have been having recurring dreams since he died. I keep having dreams where he doesn’t know he is dead and I have to keep trying to explain it to him. Then he tells me to come with him and I tell him that I can’t because he’s dead and I am not and I can’t go where he is yet. When I wake up my pillow is soaked from the tears. I have this like 3-4 times a week.

I only share that with you so that you know I do know how you feel.

My parents weren’t as blatent about my grief compared to theirs but when I’ve needed time to myself I was essentially called selfish.

The funeral director told me something that has stuck with me through it all. It goes something like this.
" When you loose a parent you loose your past. When you loose a child you loose your future. When you loose your sibling you loose your past, present and future. They are the only ones who knew what it was like to grow up where you grew up. They are the ones who know who you REALLY are inside."

I also know that when you grow up in an abusive situation you and your siblings take on certain roles or traits that normally manifest themselves in one person. One of you might be the joker, one the serious person, one the trouble maker. When one of you then dies you feel unbalanced and afraid to go on because there is literally part of YOU missing. It is really hard.

I don’t want to say to much more because there are some things about me I don’t want to publisize plus I don’t want to make this about me. This is about you. I just want you to know that I know what it feels like, you are not alone and I do care.

I am available via private email if you wish to talk to me more, but meanwhile I will pray for you.

You should know that the only thing that got me through the death was finding my faith. I think you’ve done a good thing by coming to this site.
God bless…~Sarah
 
One important thing I forgot to mention. Offer up a mass for your brother! This may be another reason why you have seen him in your dreams.
 
Oh dear Kate-

I can honestly feel for you, and empathize to some extent. You are certainly doing the right thing by going to a counselor, as another poster mentioned, for the loss of both your brother and your parents. I have lost my parents this way, emotionally.

From a purely American perspective-

Your parents do not own France. They do not own the graveyard where your brother’s body lies.

You go there, and take along your husband for support; after all, France is only a day trip for somebody who lives in the UK, the way we here can go from Chicago to DC in nothing flat. You get your brother flowers, and you leave them on his grave, and you say your heartfelt things to him!!!

Because I am an evil old troll, I’d leave the flowers without a card, and make sure they were quite magnificient. Leave your parents guessing from where the flowers came! But that’s me.

And have a good lunch in France someplace nice. Your hubby deserves it for making the trip, as do you.

Have a lovely memorial Mass celebrated for him back in your home parish sometime soon- and invite extended family.

And as somebody who had her parents write the extended family letters about her, even go to individuals and try to convince them I was nuts or evil or both- Don’t think all of your extended family has abadoned you. Don’t think they all believe your parents. Don’t think they don’t know your parents are well, odd to say the least. You’ll be surprised to know that at least one of them has wondered how you survived all these years.

Much peace to you from across the pond!
 
Kate Elasmar

I’m sorry to read about your pain and suffering.
Not being wise enough to give you any words that
could be of any good, all I can say is, I’ll pray for you!

God Bless
Jim
 
Kate,

My heart is sorrowful after reading your post.

Keep on seeking counseling.
If there is any priest doing the prayer of inner healing, seek that.
You have been deeply wounded; you need inner healing from our Lord Jesus.

I know you forgive your parents. Pray for them. They need God’s help.
At the same time, I agree with what other posters suggested - to keep distance from them.

Offer a few Mass for your brother. That helps a deceased soul the most.

I have prayed for you and will continue to do so.
God bless!
 
Words are pretty meaninless to someone who is going through what you are, but realize that your post will bring many of us here to prayer for your situation.

I would suggest that you take a break, so to speak, from your parents. If all they wish to do is to tear you down, leave them alone for a while, and try to put them outside your mind. Concentrate on the good in your life–your family, for instance. What would your brother tell you right now? He wouldn’t want you to be in such sadness, would he? He would want you to be happy. Remember, by God’s grace, your brother is more alive now in heaven than we are here. He is alive, and that should be some comfort.

When C.S. Lewis lost his wife, Joy Grisham, I understand that he wrote *Grief Observed. *It’s one of his books I haven’t read, but perhaps it would offer some insights that might be of some use to you. The *Problem of Pain *is also very good, but I don’t know how comforting it would be at this point.

At any rate, our prayers are with you. God bless.
 
Kate…
I cannot fathom the pain you have suffered in your life. I am so very sorry.
I agree with others who have advised taking time away from your parents. You can honor them and love them, but you do not deserve to be treated this way and you can’t live a fruitful life in their degrading shadow.
Lean on your faith, your parish and priest, and especially your husband during this difficult time.
Your brother will always be with you. Pray FOR him and pray TO him that he will interceed for you to our Lord to help you endure.

You will be in my prayers.
 
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’ll pray for you and your family. I would encourage you to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet for your brother and your family.

We are called to suffer as Jesus did, and though it seems unbearable, He will help you. Unite your suffering to Jesus’ on the cross, and perhaps ask Mary to help you too, since she had to watch His agony.

The following is from thedivinemercy.org/news/story.php?NID=2851:
At one point in her Diary, St. Faustina records Jesus’ words to a suffering soul:
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… there is no way to heaven except the way of the cross. I followed it first. You must learn that it is the shortest way. … I am giving you a share in those sufferings because of My special love for you and in view of the high degree of holiness I am intending for you in Heaven. A suffering soul is closer to My heart. (1487)
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At another point in her Diary, St. Faustina records our Lord’s words, “My daughter, do not be afraid of what will happen to you. I will give you nothing beyond your strength. You know the power of My grace; let that be enough.”(1491)
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That Diary entry was soon followed with this one: "Today, during Mass, I saw the Lord Jesus in the midst of His sufferings, as though dying on the cross. He said to me, My daughter, meditate frequently on the sufferings which I have undergone for your sake, and then nothing of what you suffer for Me will seem great to you. You please Me most when you meditate on My Sorrowful Passion. Join your little sufferings to My Sorrowful Passion, so that they may have infinite value before My majesty (1512).
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Suffering is actually a way of growing closer to our Lord, if we choose to see it that way. I can only imagine how sad you are, and how difficult things are for you right now, but just pray, pray, pray. Go to adoration if you can, where Jesus is always there waiting for you. He is with you always. ❤️

God bless you. :hug1:
 
You have been given some excellent advice and I have nothing to offer except my prayers. I will be praying for you, your brother and your parents. Remember the communion of the saints; you have not lost your brother. He is can hear your prayers and pray for you. God bless.
 
Kate,

We’re here for you - and you have numerous prayers going up to Him for you, too. I echo all the previous posters have said - and just want to add to be good to yourself (and your husband). Let us know how you are doing, since we’d like to be thought of as another family for you. Jesus will bring you to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Blessings!

:grouphug:
 
Kate,
I am so sorry for your loss and will pray for your brother Tom’s repose. I will pray for you too, in your terrible grief.

I think the idea of having a Mass said for him is a good one.

I don’t know what to say about your parents, perhaps I should pray for them too.

Don’t forget that you can come to this forum any time you need to and there will always be someone here who will pray with you.
God bless,
Pat
 
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

“LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you’d walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me.”

The LORD replied:

“My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you.”

God Loves you.🙂 He doesn’t make mistakes.
 
Kate_Elasmar said:
Please help if you can, I think I need some other perspectives and I can’t do this by myself right now.

I have never written on a site like this and I am a bit nervous about it. I am 30, British, married with no children yet, a teacher and until a year ago I thought I was doing ok. I would consider myself to be a usually average Catholic, church, prayer- having faith was as natural and as unremarkable as breathing.

Last year on 27th October my younger brother, Tom was killed in Iraq. He was a British Officer. He was only 27. He was 2 weeks away from returning. I keep having nightmares- 3-4 times a week that I am trying to stop him getting in that jeep or I am trying to pull him out.

Tom and I were very close- our parents did their best but my mum told both of us very young that her love was not unconditional. Whatever we did was not good enough- my being a teacher was seen as a failure that I could not succeed in the real world. They dislike my husband and constantly belittled me and Tom. The only thing they were proud of was his being in the army. Tom and I had each other through bad times and good- we knew that we would be there for each other. A month before he was killed, Tom had lost 3 men in another attack. He was able to ring me and talk through how devastated he was. I will always be grateful for that.

The first few months were terrible. Temporarily my parents and I seemed to be getting on better. I wanted to be with them and they seemed to need me. (4 years ago they moved to France.) My husband, friends and work were incredibly supportive.

Now the 1st anniversary is on Saturday and my parents are no longer speaking to me again. I am going to see a counseller to help me come to terms with my grief and my dad thinks that is weak and self indulgent. My mother has called me a ***** and said that I am irrelevant. They have both said that Tom didn’t really love me and that any feelings I have are ridiculous and cannot compare to the loss of their son. They have said that I have made the last ten years of their life a misery. They intentionally hid the date of Tom’s inquest from me so I couldn’t go and many more things that I am too upset to mention. (including a letter to all our relatives and my friends saying how they’ve had to cope with this loss alone and how horrible I am)

If they had been loving parents before I would think this is their grief talking, but it isn’t. I am so ashamed- I keep asking myself what have I done to cause such dislike from them. I truly truly cannot think of anything, please believe me, I am aware that you may be thinking she must be an awful daughter if her parents behave like this but please believe me I am just a regular person.

Tom is buried in France, in the village where my parents live. They don’t want me to go there for his anniversary, but my husband and I are flying over anyway- just for the day, not for a conflict- I hope not to see them, all I want is to put some flowers on his grave and be with him, my parents have removed the everlasting flowers that I had put there before.

I’ve gone on and on, I’m sorry. I’m frightened that I’m losing my faith. I don’t want to, I keep trying to pray, but I find myself feeling angry that Tom has gone like this. I don’t see the point of going on- everything seems futile at the moment. People say it takes time, but I don’t want time. The idea of spending another possible 50 years without my brother is agony. This is not to dismiss my husband or my love for him. He is wonderful- but he can’t see how I can still love my parents when they behave this way and for him, the concept of faith is not so strong. He is a Catholic, but frankly admits he doesn’t know if God is really there. I’ve tried talking to my parish priest and one of the sisters. They were kind and let me cry and brought me tissues, but could not provide any actual advice.

I don’t know that you can either, I’m just sending this out into the ether because I don’t know what else to do, Suppose we are just railing against the darkness, supposing it is all an illusion? or a way of trying to stave off hopelessness? I don’t want to not believe, I want to know there is a spirituality to life and a purpose but I can’t find it right now and I’m scared, I feel like I am falling through darkness of shrieking into the abyss. Maybe you think that is melodramatic- I’m sorry, I can’t help it.

I would welcome your thoughts and views, truly I don’t know what to do.

Thank you
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I had an Aunt Kate and lost her years ago but I still have her memories.My friend told me she is probably praying for me now.

I pray for you and will pray for you during my rosary tomorrow, even though we are miles apart God is there always.
D.
 
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