Please help! I need advice.

[LoveGod102]

I can’t seem to stop being anxious and stressed out and focused on every sin that I commit frequently even when I’m not doing anything wrong. I can’t seem to just LOVE. I just realized that (unintentionally) it seems that I have been trying to work my way into heaven, the way that Protestants sometimes accuse Catholics of. I know that, we are not supposed to do that, but I don’t know how to NOT do that. I didn’t even mean to start doing it. I have been scrupulous lately, and I think that’s part of it. When I try to do the right thing, it’s usually because I don’t want to feel guilty and anxious about not doing it, and sometimes because I don’t want to wound Jesus’ heart, but usually my feelings take precedence. I don’t want it to be this way, and I don’t consciously choose those reasons, in fact I often don’t realize until later when I think about it, that that’s why I did the right thing. And if I do realize, I TRY to change my reasons, but usually can’t. Also, yesterday I read here (americaneedsfatima.org/Voice-of-Jesus/voj-8-on-the-brink-of-the-precipice.html?utm_campaign=E.qpa06291&utm_content=E.qpa06291&utm_medium=email&utm_source=E.qpa06291) that Jesus said “Unless thou avoidest every voluntary sin,
thou shalt labor in vain, whatever
efforts thou mayst make.” I don’t understand what that means. We are all sinners, and we all choose sin sometimes, but surely Jesus still wants us to try our hardest to not sin, and say “yes” to Him. How could our efforts be in vain? Did he not really say that? If He did, then what does it mean?
Also, at a retreat I went on earlier this month, I was prayed over by one of the Lifeteen core members, who told me that God wanted me to know that He judges us by how hard we try, not by how many times we fail, and that God was pleased with me, for caring (presumable about right and wrong), when so many other people don’t care. This was something that been really bothering me lately, and I hadn’t told her about it, only God. So when I heard that, I cried in tears of relief. How do I reconcile these seemingly contradictory statements?
Another thing is that I whenever I have ANY physical contact (except if it causes pain, or if it’s just rapping my knuckles), I feel like or think, that I am sexually stimulating myself and that it’s sinful unless it’s definitely an unintended side effect of something else. In some cases, I can recognize this as scrupulosity and mostly ignore it, but other times I am seriously unsure, and it drives my INSANE until I go to confession, and am sorry for it, even when it’s probably not a sin. The times that it really bothers me, is putting a sheet over myself when I’m laying in bed, sometimes because I’m cold, but more often simply because I feel more comfortable that way, even if I’m not cold because I like how it feels in some ways. Is this OK to do and should I just stop worrying about it? Also, I can’t really sleep without a sheet or blanket, because I’m so use to using one even when it’s warm or hot. I’ve tried to sleep without it, but I always end up putting it on, with the fans on so I’m not too warm, because otherwise I can’t get comfortable to sleep. I always feel guilty about this though, but I think I’m trying to use the end to justify the means ( by using what I perceive as a sexual feeling to make me comfortable to sleep). I let myself do it, because I figured that I was probably being scrupulous, and I didn’t what else to do, short of staying up all night.
What should I do? I really just need someone to tell whether this is scrupulosity or valid worries. I’m afraid to mention this any trusted adult in person (especially my parents, and there is no one else that I will get an opportunity to talk about it for a while), but I keep intending to tell them anyway, but then forgetting about it, or changing my mind.

Also, if anyone knows of any free confidential Catholic (or Protestant, if there aren’t any Catholic ones) telephone counseling lines, could you give their number?

 

[crystal_waters]

You,d be better off asking your priest these things,he could give you guidance, advice and confession if needed

 

[St_Francis]

I would say that things like the sheets are definitely not sinful, and you really need to speak with a priest. It either is or will be Saturday–try to get to Confession and describe your problems very briefly and ask if you can make an appointment with your pastor or another priest.

 

[St_Francis]

Oh, and in the meantime, do not worry!

As to the two different statements, they are talking about different things, so do not worry about them either.

I can’t explain further as it is very late here, I am sorry. Hopefully someone else will be able to.

 

[Iron_Donkey]

You sound scrupulous. I would suggest calling you parish priest, or if you would find that embarrassing, calling a priest of a nearby parish and making an appointment. A regular confessor would probably also be helpful. You may also try contacting some of the priests on this site.

To try to address some of what you’ve said though (and as always take internet advice with a grain of salt, as I do not know you):

God does expect us to sin. That is why He died for us, and that is why He instituted confession. But we can reject Him through our actions, even a single one. The issue here is balance - both what your friend told you and what you read are true, and though they may seem at odds, they are instead complimentary.

What your friend says amounts to saying that God loves you no matter how often you fall, that He appreciates your efforts to stand, and that He will always help you to your feet again.

What you read essentially says that if we lay down in the mud and refuse to stand up - if we totally reject God through mortal sin and refuse to repent - then we will remain in the mud.

As to the motivation for doing what is right, I would suggest that you pretty much just not worry about that. Love of God is the purest motivation, of course, and hopefully we’ll all get there eventually, but other motivations for doing good suffice. You’re already struggling with scrupulosity, which is likely to make your motivations seem worse to you than they are. Because of this, trying to straighten out motivations at this time, when it is not necessary, is likely to just cause you pain to no effect. Better to just focus on doing what’s right and not give your mind one more thing to torment you with.

And finally, the physical contact thing sounds like pure scrupulosity. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t be able to sleep with a sheet. Any mental thing that tries to convince you otherwise is wrong and should be resisted. If for some reason such contact actually does seem sexual to you, as opposed to you just being worried that it might be and so telling yourself that it is, then you may wish to seek counseling. Further, as a scrupulous person, try not to play the “I don’t think I’m sinning, but I might just be telling myself that to excuse my sin” game. You sin when you deliberately choose to do so. You cannot sin by accident. Unless you are willing to swear before God Himself, who is Truth, that you decided to sleep with a sheet for evil reasons, don’t worry about it.

I highly suggest you Google the ten commandments for the scrupulous. There’s two different lists, and it is worth trying to follow them.

 

[JRKH]

First of all - as others have already said…you NEED to speak with a priest about these things. He will be able to guide you the best.

I can’t seem to stop being anxious and stressed out and focused on every sin that I commit frequently even when I’m not doing anything wrong. I can’t seem to just LOVE. I just realized that (unintentionally) it seems that I have been trying to work my way into heaven, the way that Protestants sometimes accuse Catholics of. I know that, we are not supposed to do that, but I don’t know how to NOT do that. I didn’t even mean to start doing it.

I’m sorry that you are going through this. I must say though that the realization of trying to “work your way into heaven” is a good one. The Holy Spirit has given you this for your benefit. I would suggest praying and pondering on this a bit and asking the HS to elaborate and instruct you on how you can refocus your efforts towards love and away from fear.

I have been scrupulous lately, and I think that’s part of it.

Undoubtedly. And the evil one loves this sort of “negative” focus since, as you already recognize, he can use it to try to get you to despair. He does this by trying to pull you away from the Mercy of God…So you need to keep your focus on God’s mercy. This too is a matter for prayer and contemplation.

When I try to do the right thing, it’s usually because I don’t want to feel guilty and anxious about not doing it, and sometimes because I don’t want to wound Jesus’ heart, but usually my feelings take precedence. I don’t want it to be this way, and I don’t consciously choose those reasons, in fact I often don’t realize until later when I think about it, that that’s why I did the right thing. And if I do realize, I TRY to change my reasons, but usually can’t.

This is not a problem. Seriously. We ALL start our journeys toward God from just such a place. The old proverb that says “Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” is absolutely true. Fear and acting out of selfish motives (to avoid hell) are the beginnings of the journey.
You are wise to recognize that it is necessary to move past such motives.
Now you need the patience to allow yourself to grow in this journey from fear to love.

Also, yesterday I read here (americaneedsfatima.org/Voice-of-Jesus/voj-8-on-the-brink-of-the-precipice.html?utm_campaign=E.qpa06291&utm_content=E.qpa06291&utm_medium=email&utm_source=E.qpa06291) that Jesus said “Unless thou avoidest every voluntary sin,
thou shalt labor in vain, whatever
efforts thou mayst make.” I don’t understand what that means. We are all sinners, and we all choose sin sometimes, but surely Jesus still wants us to try our hardest to not sin, and say “yes” to Him. How could our efforts be in vain? Did he not really say that? If He did, then what does it mean?

I cannot speak directly to this quote…but since it is not found in Scripture, we must assume it comes from some private revelation. We are not bound by such private revelations.
I suggest that you read the passage about the rich young man in Mt 19 and focus on the ending…After Jesus says that how hard it is for a rich man to enter heaven, Peter asks what hope there is for anyone…Jesus reply is, “But Jesus looked at them and said to them, "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” - (Matthew 19:26)

So again…Focus on God’s Mercy and Love. Seek to embrace that Love…even though we do it imperfectly.

As a second thought on this…as it relates to the matter of fear and reasons for doing things.
Doing things in order to avoid punishment is a form of self love. This is not a bad thing since we are told that we are to love others as we love ourselves. (Mt 22:36-40) We are to “do unto others as we would have them do unto us”.
So this idea of loving ourselves enough to wish to avoid hell is actually a good thing and a necessary prerequisite to understanding how to love and to treat others.

Also, at a retreat I went on earlier this month, I was prayed over by one of the Lifeteen core members, who told me that God wanted me to know that He judges us by how hard we try, not by how many times we fail, and that God was pleased with me, for caring (presumable about right and wrong), when so many other people don’t care. This was something that been really bothering me lately, and I hadn’t told her about it, only God. So when I heard that, I cried in tears of relief. How do I reconcile these seemingly contradictory statements?

To be honest, I would not try to reconcile these statements. As I already said, the thing from the Fatima site can only be a private revelation and you are not bound by it. Jesus Gave us a new commandment - To Love one another as He has loved us. This is where we should place our effort - our focus.
If I were to give any weight to the Fatima comment - I would place it in the same category as I do Mt 5:48 (which calls for us to be perfect). Such statements are goals - they are ideals to which we aspire - they are not requirements in order to get into heaven.

(Cont)

 

[JRKH]

(Cont)

Another thing is that I whenever I have ANY physical contact (except if it causes pain, or if it’s just rapping my knuckles), I feel like or think, that I am sexually stimulating myself and that it’s sinful unless it’s definitely an unintended side effect of something else. In some cases, I can recognize this as scrupulosity and mostly ignore it, but other times I am seriously unsure, and it drives my INSANE until I go to confession, and am sorry for it, even when it’s probably not a sin. The times that it really bothers me, is putting a sheet over myself when I’m laying in bed, sometimes because I’m cold, but more often simply because I feel more comfortable that way, even if I’m not cold because I like how it feels in some ways. Is this OK to do and should I just stop worrying about it? Also, I can’t really sleep without a sheet or blanket, because I’m so use to using one even when it’s warm or hot. I’ve tried to sleep without it, but I always end up putting it on, with the fans on so I’m not too warm, because otherwise I can’t get comfortable to sleep. I always feel guilty about this though, but I think I’m trying to use the end to justify the means ( by using what I perceive as a sexual feeling to make me comfortable to sleep). I let myself do it, because I figured that I was probably being scrupulous, and I didn’t what else to do, short of staying up all night.

This is definitely Scrupulous. You really need to take this to your priest in counseling

What should I do? I really just need someone to tell whether this is scrupulosity or valid worries. I’m afraid to mention this any trusted adult in person (especially my parents, and there is no one else that I will get an opportunity to talk about it for a while), but I keep intending to tell them anyway, but then forgetting about it, or changing my mind.

Also, if anyone knows of any free confidential Catholic (or Protestant, if there aren’t any Catholic ones) telephone counseling lines, could you give their number?

I suggest that you need to make an appointment with your priest. Print off your OP and give it to him to read. Talk with him about these matters and be guided by his advice.
As for your parents…Yes it is good that you talk to them about this. Perhaps it would be easiest to talk to just one parent…Whichever one you are more comfortable with or you think would listen better. That way, they won’t worry about your feeling the need to speak with your priest.

Bottom line though is this…
Satan is using a very common ploy on you. He is trying to convince you that God is not merciful. He is trying to tempt you to despair.
Laugh at him…Yes I mean that…Laugh at such nonsense.
You know that Gos is merciful. We see it in so many ways.
Jesus forgave Peter, He raised Lazarus, healed so many, gave us hope in a hopeless world.
God has patience with you and Loves you.
You simply need to learn to be patient with yourself and to grow into the great love you already possess toward yourself, toward God and toward your fellow man.

Peace
James

 

[LoveGod102]

Thank you everyone. I will be meeting with a priest who’s a family friend next Saturday for counseling. I was supposed to meet with him last weekend, but he had to postpone, because he had a funeral to do. I’ve met with him before, and he helped me a lot, but I just needed some help NOW, rather than waiting a week. I will bring these issues up with him, next Saturday.
I’m also wondering if this is partly due to the fact, that my doctor recently switched my anti-depressant. The new one is helpful with the depression and suicidal thoughts and desires (those are virtually gone now), and it decreased my anxiety, but the Scrupulosity got a lot worse soon after switching. So next appointment, (which I need to remind my father to make), I will mention those concerns.
Also, what has me confused, is that about two weeks after I started the new medication (Zoloft), it kicked in, and all the anxiety was just GONE, along with the depression and despair and suicidal thoughts and desires (which I now realize, were a result of the despair). But then last month, the anxiety and scrupulosity started anew (I haven’t been this scrupulous in years), and the anxiety is just different now. Before I was on the pills, I would have these irrational bursts of tears and desire to scream to release the anxiety, along the previously mentioned depression at the same time. These happened several times a day. When I wasn’t feeling that way, I felt fine or even happy. Now those anxiety attacks stopped, but instead I feel anxiety in the back of my head all the time, and despair, which i think is a result of everything I mentioned above, along with a struggle to have faith and trust in myself.
Can this really be Satan though? Because all the time I say aloud “In Jesus’ name, I cast away any and all demons here bothering me”. My youth ministers said that if we even say Jesus’ name aloud, then demons leave, because they can’t stand his name.

 

[JRKH]

Thank you everyone. I will be meeting with a priest who’s a family friend next Saturday for counseling. I was supposed to meet with him last weekend, but he had to postpone, because he had a funeral to do. I’ve met with him before, and he helped me a lot, but I just needed some help NOW, rather than waiting a week. I will bring these issues up with him, next Saturday.
I’m also wondering if this is partly due to the fact, that my doctor recently switched my anti-depressant. The new one is helpful with the depression and suicidal thoughts and desires (those are virtually gone now), and it decreased my anxiety, but the Scrupulosity got a lot worse soon after switching. So next appointment, (which I need to remind my father to make), I will mention those concerns.
Also, what has me confused, is that about two weeks after I started the new medication (Zoloft), it kicked in, and all the anxiety was just GONE, along with the depression and despair and suicidal thoughts and desires (which I now realize, were a result of the despair). But then last month, the anxiety and scrupulosity started anew (I haven’t been this scrupulous in years), and the anxiety is just different now. Before I was on the pills, I would have these irrational bursts of tears and desire to scream to release the anxiety, along the previously mentioned depression at the same time. These happened several times a day. When I wasn’t feeling that way, I felt fine or even happy. Now those anxiety attacks stopped, but instead I feel anxiety in the back of my head all the time, and despair, which i think is a result of everything I mentioned above, along with a struggle to have faith and trust in myself.
Can this really be Satan though? Because all the time I say aloud “In Jesus’ name, I cast away any and all demons here bothering me”. My youth ministers said that if we even say Jesus’ name aloud, then demons leave, because they can’t stand his name.

We are into an area now that we cannot really comment on. Hang in there until you can talk to your priest counselor and also with your doctor/therapist.

Peace
James

 

[ready]

When you avoid venial sin you are trying to do the right thing; when you do not avoid venial sin, you are not trying to do the right thing. Just try your hardest to please God and to do the right thing, and love Him unto folly while letting Him love you unto folly. God bless you.

 

[JohnJFarren]

Dear Person in Jesus Christ, LoveGod201 – 7 July 2013
I have read carefully your lengthy posting of 24 June. Your love for Jesus and your sincerity shine all through it. I want to share with a number of things.

First, do not accept a very harmful statement told you. It is positively false and harmful to think that “God wanted you to know that He judges you by how hard you try” … FALSE.

Let’s throw the word “judges” out of there. LoveGod201, God is too busy LOVING you to waste time judging you. People who guide others ought not to be so lacking in the fundamentals of our Catholic Faith, our Christian Faith, as to make such statements. It is true that God does judge us, especially hardened sinners (-- or actually such hardened sinners judge themselves!). But that’s not you, LoveGod. What God sees when He looks at you is your LOVE for Him, even in the midst of your confusions and pains. And God values your LOVE for Him very, very much.

It is not our sufferings that give us our value. It is our LOVE for God, for Jesus, that shines out of us, even in our mistakes. The LOVE we have for God is, of course, a gift from God.

You say that even when you do something good, you question your own motives. Don’t do that. Every good thing you and I do – by God’s grace – is a mixture, and will continue to be a mixture, of God’s Love, God’s grace, and our own self-centeredness – until we enjoy the Beatific Vision in Heaven. It was so even in the great saints. It’s one of the ways God keeps us humble. SO – when you do a good thing, like recite part of the Rosary, recite the “Mercy Prayers,” or offer Mass, tell Jesus that even though you hope your doing this will make you feel better, you ALSO mean it from your heart to be Loving Jesus. And then be strong and proceed forward.

Scrupulosity is very painful and is not something that God wants. Someone came to St Francis de Sales in confession one time (if I have the story correct) and asked his help. “I can’t seem to know that I’m loving God. I want to. But every time I say that or pray it I doubt myself. Maybe I don’t really love God. How do I know if I really love God.” St Francis said something like this to her > The very fact that you truly want to love God is your proof, in yourself, that you do actually love God. If you are not certainly conscious of any serious sin you must repent of, then believe the Holy Spirit in you that you do love God.

I believe in Fatima. But I certainly do not believe everything that this person or that person says is what Fatima means. I will pay attention to the words that Mary herself is supposed to have given us, but I am very skeptical of other third party people explaining their version of Fatima. And I strongly reject as false and harmful these words, “Unless thou avoidest every voluntary sin, thou shalt labor in vain, whatever efforts thou mayest make.” Every voluntary VENIAL sin? No way! Jesus would never place such a burden on us. And just suppose > I’ve committed a voluntary MORTAL sin > Am I not, by God’s grace, to want to repent? to pray for my own repentance? Such a want … such a prayer for repentance … is a grace from God and is pleasing to God. It would be the beginning I would need to repent and have God restore me to being His son.

It is a shame among us Catholics today that very many of us know very little correct knowledge about our Catholic Faith. We give a bad name to our Catholic Faith and open the Faith to rejection and ridicule from others. LoveGod, I am eighty-two years old and I was blessed with a good mother and father, and even as a child I had a far better understanding of my faith that so many adults I see around me. I do not take any credit for this to myself. God Blessed me from the beginning because He IS LOVE … and not for any good in me.

You are very sensitive to touching things. Touch is a beautiful and wonderful gift that God has given us. Because some sexual arousing might occur in you when you touch this or that is not wrong in itself. You must avoid deliberately taking pleasure from the arousing and you must not deliberately touch with the intention of arousing. There is nothing wrong here. Don’t fret about it. If you need a blanket or covering so you can sleep, by all means make use of such a covering. Say to Jesus something like, “Please bless my sleep, Jesus, and I do not mean to experience any sexual feelings. I don’t invite them and I don’t choose them. Thanks, Jesus, and I Love you. Goodnight, Jesus.”

I share with you, LoveGod, two areas that are treasures to me. The first are chapters 13-17 of John’s Gospel. For many years I have read and meditated on and prayed about these most precious words of Jesus himself, True God and true man. Over the years I have found depth below depth in these words of God. // Also I share with you the writings of St Paul of the Cross, founder of the Passionists. I have experienced only a small part of St Paul’s writings but everything I have encountered so far seems to speak directly to me.

In closing, I think it would not be the best thing to pour out all these things to your parents. And also put some limits to what you post publicly. Some things are very intimate and to be shared only with Jesus and with someone special given you by God.

You will continue, LoveGod, to be in my daily prayers. You are very precious to God and he wants only good things, the best, for you. John Trinity5635@aol.com