I had OCD as a child and as I got older i overcame it thank God. Up until 6 or more years ago I felt it starting to come back slowly, the washing of hands, repetitive thoughts, rituals before bed etc… I feel now I’m worse than ever with it because I also have scrupulosity and anxiety and when I pray (especially during the rosary) sometimes I get terrible thoughts and I get upset and worried God thinks I thought those things and then it causes me to start my rosary or decade again. Other times I think I don’t say my daily prayers properly and start them over again later. Another thing is I used to go to mass maybe twice a week and every Sunday but last year I started to feel paranoid at mass and I would get embarrassed for no reason and blush. I sometimes think people are looking at me or judging me and know I think the same with the priest when I go to mass, I am fearful the priest and others and mass think I’m weird for blushing for no reason I used to look forward to going to mass but now I worry every time before I go Incase I blush. This really upsets me more than anything as I feel it’s affecting me partaking at Mass, I hate feeling like this I have started including this favour in my rosary asking Our Lady to help me.
Don’t despair! Remember that God looks on your heart. The very fact that you are so concerned about righteousness shows that the desire of your heart is to be righteous. God is aware of the good desires of your heart and that’s what matters to Him.
As someone who has also suffered from OCD/scrupulosity, I have learned that a powerful antidote is faith and hope. These are Theological Virtues. God wants us to exercise them. Next time you have an unpleasant thought, say a prayer like, “God, I’m going to demonstrate my faith and hope in your ability to discern my true desires and attentions by letting go of this worry and not thinking any more about it.”
Remember, God does not send us a spirit of fear. Worry, fretting, fear, defeatist feelings and anxiety do not come from God. If anything, they come from the adversary. Do not let the adversary rob you of the peace and joy God wants to give you as His beloved child. Besides, God has important work to do. You are not being useful to Him, or fulfilling the grand plans He has for His life, when you are cowering in a corner in fear.
It takes faith to not be afraid. Choose faith over fear.
Go forth boldly in His grace! If you’re not sure if something is/was sinful, assume grace and move forward. Be decisive. God knows that you are trying to fight OCD/scrupulosity and He wants to help you change. But, as with all things in life, His grace is there, but we have to cooperate with it. You can cooperate with God’s help by choosing to let things go and use good common sense.
Instead of nitpicking, turn your attention to practicing the Theological Virtues: faith, hope, and charity. Perhaps you have been focusing too much on what you shouldn’t do, and not enough on what you should do. If you are properly practicing faith, hope, and charity, you will not be afraid of God, and you will be filled with a spirit of peace and well being.
An article that helped me was called “10 Commandments for the Scrupulous.”
mission.liguori.org/newsletters/scrupulosity.htm
One of the guidelines was to only confess clear and certain sins. In other words, if you have to wonder if you had full knowledge and consent or if something was grave matter etc., that answers the debate. Also, please let grave matter be just what it sounds like: grave matter. God is not interested in damning anyone on technicalities, details, and small stuff. If you are doing the best you can within reason to live Church teaching, it’s really not as easy as you think to go to Hell. Are you going to go fornicate, murder, steal a lot of money, etc.? I’m sure not. Don’t wake up in the morning thinking Hell is right under your toes and with a mere slip of your thoughts you can wind up there.
The grace of Christ is far more powerful than that!
Of course, we take seriously the Last Things, God’s judgements and commandments. However, we have to use our minds and be reasonable as we interpret Church doctrine. God created us to be sensible creatures have a good command of common sense. Is it sensible for you to be so afraid of your thoughts and of others seeing you blushing? Is it sensible for you to equate such things with grave matter and be paralyzed with fear and insecurity? Do you thinkGod wants your mind to use a tortured logic, which would cause you to confuse minor offenses with major ones? Of course not! In truth, you do dishonor to God and the intelligent mind He created for you when you do not use your common sense.
Remember that God is parenting you; rearing you into a holy human being. Always think big picture. Remember that God’s divine plan for you involves not only your eternal well being, but well being in this life as well. He wants you to live a balanced, well-ordered, and rational life. He wants you to have moments of play, work, socializing, service, rest, etc. He wants you to enjoy the good things in life, everything in balance. His purpose is to rear us into spiritually, physically, emotionally, and intellectually mature and healthy beings. He may also call us to take on challenges, in which case we have to be bold and unafraid. The daily act of getting up in the morning and staring down OCD/scrupulosity thoughts can be such a challenge. And He wants you to be happy! Don’t let a false interpretation of Church teaching steal your joy! Remember God loves you, will not lose you easily, and is calling you to live a healthy, wholesome, purposeful, and blessed life.
As someone who has been there and is there no longer, there
is a light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t give up, and choose faith and hope over fear. God bless!
