Please Help! I want a divorce!

[Mayita30]

One of the wisest posts of the thread.

Right.As you say there are 2 sides to every story but you DO NOT SAY that to someone who is looking for help and someone who is in a lot of hurt.

 

[pianistclare]

Thank you this was helpful, my councilor said much the same about expectations. I have purposely tried to have no expectations of him, but it is a hard way to live. My children are not grown. I have a 6 year old son, a 10 year old daughter, an 11 year old son, and a 17 year old daughter. So I am staying for them. I wonder if our unhappiness is effecting them. I did not come from a good family. My parents divorced when I was 2 and my stepfather was a very abusive alcoholic. My bio dad was also an alcoholic so I have no idea what its like to be raised in a safe happy home. That is what I am trying to provide for my children. I don’t drink and my husband rarely.

Despite what everyone says, staying for the children doesn’t fool them. Children are not stupid. If you and he are as miserable as you say, all they will learn is how miserable marriage can be.
I’ve been there. I always thought my late husband would change, that he would be nicer, that he would get a job, and I wouldn’t have to work 3 of them. I waited too long. By the time I left, he was out of control.
I know it’s bad form to recommend a separation, but if you did separate, he would have to make a decision: change or call it quits. You may also find that YOU might have to change, If he’s mentally unstable or emotionally damaged (which it sounds like he is).
See a priest. Don’t leave anything out and follow his advice to the letter. We’ve only heard one side of the story. But if you’re staying for the kids…do them a favor. Show them strength. Either stay and persevere, or leave and get a job to support them.

 

[Xantippe]

I know it’s bad form to recommend a separation, but if you did separate, he would have to make a decision: change or call it quits…Show them strength. Either stay and persevere, or leave and get a job to support them.

Woow, I finally read all of the intro posts!

1. A separation might prove inspiring to him. It sounds like he also might benefit from some mental health help, so that might be a good condition for reconciliation.
2. A personal finance class (like Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University) is another good condition. I would also insist on a monthly family budget meeting every single month and no more debt (unless you both agree to it in advance).
3. Maybe just don’t move the next time he loses a job and decides to move?
4. As people have probably mentioned, if he was divorced when you got married, you were 19, and he was from an abusive home, there’s probably material for an annulment case. It’s quite likely that he was not free to marry you. Talk to a priest about your options.
5. If you divorce, your children will probably wind up spending at least some time alone with him. Is that a good idea?
6. You sound like you’re smart, have a good work ethic, and very good at making the best of available resources. However, it sounds like you’ve been terribly underemployed, given your particular talents. I think it’s time for you to think about how to make more money, especially now that all of your kids are school age. In fact, that might be the answer to a lot of your problems–find some sort of employment that you’re good at, will pay reasonable money, and will provide you opportunities to get out of your house and talk to people. I think the sky is the limit, but for the moment, I think you might do very well just with housecleaning or maybe pet care for vacationers.
7. Your kids are getting closer and closer to adulthood and independence. It’s time to start thinking about launching them and what sort of life you are preparing them for. What are you going to do to keep them from going down the path you and your husband have gone down?

Best wishes!

 

[pianistclare]

Right.As you say there are 2 sides to every story but you DO NOT SAY that to someone who is looking for help and someone who is in a lot of hurt.

Why not? Sometimes the best advice is the obvious.