Please Help! I want a divorce!

[Used2beSherryG]

Please seek counseling for yourself, from a priest as you can trust them to keep everything under wraps. Then, focus on yourself instead of your spouse. If the children are almost grown as you said, you need to look outward to the world and find some way to give of yourself such as bringing meals to those who are shut-ins, attending Catholic womens’ groups such as Altar Society, attending Mass and receiving the sacrament of Penance and Holy Eucharist (if your situation allows it). Spend time working on yourself, an area that you really can make changes in, and let your husband be. If he follows you to church, he is not a lost cause, just maybe lost. Make yourself the best woman, the best Catholic Christian you can be and you will find great joy in that. I suspect that your expectations are what are making you so unhappy. Ask God to guide you and He will do it. Be the woman that God created you to be. Divorce doesn’t change you, your faith in God can do that. Uprooting your children at this stage of their lives would be a mistake.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

The other real problem that is perhaps the most depressing for me is that we don’t talk and I can’t share my dreams, hopes, or plans with him. I found that every time I would talk about doing something fun like going up to the mountains for a day trip, or going out to the movies when we have had money, or on a much needed date night, or planning for a vacation (we haven’t gone on a vacation in 4 years), or us someday having a house capable of a small hobby farm, no matter what the subject he will immediately start making negative comments about it. It robbed the moment of any fun or pleasure because of the constant negativity. So I just stopped talking to him about anything in my life. We maybe say 3 or 4 things to each other on a normal day. Yet he will talk to his dad for hours every night and talk to his friends too. So I know he knows how to talk. I have also given up on ever doing the things I enjoy.

OP:
The post was way too long. And there is no way anyone can address this all on this thread. You might try several threads breaking up the issues one by one. Not all at once mind you, but two or three at a time until they are resolved.

As an example I just picked this part out and wish to address it.

My wife is very similar to what you describe yourself as here. She is constantly dreaming and planning or wanting to do something and I am always the more “grounded” one. You might view it as negative but I say it is realistic. I love her dreaming personality and it benefits our marriage, our children and me. I have done things that I would have never done if not for her constant romanticizing of situations.

I will just speak from my own marriage but you might want to kind of think about things a little bit.
Camping: This is romanticized by my wife. We have attempted it several times but with 3 young girls and a wife who does not like animals or dirt, it almost always ends up with buying 200 dollars worth of camp food and then staying at a resort hotel. I grew up camping, not just “glamping” but we are talking horses, mountain lakes, and being gone for weeks. But my wife never did. So she has this kind of unrealistic view or the reality of it or of it’s enjoy-ability. Now, whenever she mentions it we just joke that we should book our 300 dollar a night rooms now and get the massage package.
Vacations: I do not travel well. I am a planner and most of the time vacations do not go as planned. We have been to Italy and Mexico and last fall, Disneyworld. We usually travel to a vacation 1 time a year. And only Italy and Disneyworld were times I liked it. Plus (and this goes for all the things you mentioned.) I do all the finances. So when my wife gets the urge to vacation or camp, or buy a tent, I am the one who knows what our bank account looks like that month or if I just spent 500 dollars on something we needed for the house or cars the day before. That is a stress and factor that she does not have that I do. When we are traveling in italy and we need to take a train or cab or buy dinner, She is not thinking about the debit card limit per day or how we will pay the power bill next month. But I am. So, when she comes to me (and I know this is comming soon) and says something like “hey, we need to take the kids on a cruise” I am the one who has to point out that we can’t pay for it with sparkles and rainbows. This makes me the “no” person.
Farms:

I literally laughed out loud at this.
It all started with my little dreamers idea that we start a Catholic book store. Then that we buy a ranch, then just a small “hobby” farm, now it is a christmas tree farm that does weddings in the summer. She always has these little gems. And I like it. I think it is cute. And some of them I can even get on board with. But mostly I blame pintrest, IG, and blogs. They present this perfect view of these little things that are not realistic. Recently I had a broken light bulb in the socket of a bathroom fixture and I needed to go get my neighbor to get it out. We are not "handy"people. We dont change tires or oil in our cars. But that does not stop her from having this idea of getting an old RV and traveling the nation seeing all 50 states and all national parks. She never did those things as a kid. I know 2 things. That it will not be fun, easy or clean. And that it will pass when the next dream comes across her phone as she is reading some photography blog.

And while I am the person who does not think these things are a good idea, I never would have done some of the best things in my life without her constantly urging. True, we might have more retirement, or the couch might have deeper imprints, but I am glad she is the dreamer and wants to do these things. BUT, honestly, if I were not the more grounded one we would be on some kind of rinky dink hobby farm, where our children would be eating dirt and have no teeth. So, one needs to balance the other. I give in when I can and she takes no for an answer when it really is a bad idea. We help each other out and neither of us resents the other for it. Certainly not so much that she would include it in some kind of internet rant about divorcing me…

I’m sure someday I will be swearing under my breath as we try to figure out why the Christmas Trees wont grow and some piece of equipment does not work as we watch some "Christmas tree/ wedding farm we bought be condemned for a toxic waste spill. But until then, I have learned that with most things, if I just smile and nod and let her go on, something shiny will come along and distract her from whatever really really bad idea is her “dream” of the day… And if I am lucky that something shiny will land me in Italy again…

 

[Irishmom2]

Oh, HoosierDad! If only you had looked on Pinterest! You would have tried stuffing a raw potato into the broken bulb and twisting it out!

The rest of your post was good though. Sometimes we are so overwhelmed by life and what it throws at us that we fail to see the good in what seems like a negative. Your post is a reminder of how people in a marriage balance each other out. We don’t all need to be exactly the same if one is there to ground the other or, to give them wings.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Oh, HoosierDad! If only you had looked on Pinterest! You would have tried stuffing a raw potato into the broken bulb and twisting it out!

LOL I tried that. My wife is a potato scientist after all! All I got was a messy light fixture and wet hands…

 

[Irishmom2]

LOL I tried that. My wife is a potato scientist after all! All I got was a messy light fixture and wet hands…

wait! So are you saying all that stuff on Pinterest might not actually work?

 

[Xantippe]

wait! So are you saying all that stuff on Pinterest might not actually work?

Noooooooo!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

wait! So are you saying all that stuff on Pinterest might not actually work?

No Way! All people who live on farms and support themselves with crafts have hair that is perfect and children that are clean and photogenic! It is just so easy! Why you too can take a broken down tractor and make some sort of cosmic ray gun that creates flowers out of dog doo…

 

[bmaj]

I’m sorry to hear all the difficulties of your marriage, homekeeper. As someone already mentioned previously, all of them have been felt in a similar way by so many wives the world over, unfortunately. So sad, but so true. We’re all imperfect humans - wives and husbands, everyone in this world. I highly recommend you discuss all of this with a trusted Priest for his advice and recommendations. If your husband is willing to go with you, all the better. If not, alone is good also.
I noticed you mentioned your husband’s viewing of porn and how it upsets and hurts you. That again is all too common in marriages, and your hurt is very normal and understandable. When he views porn and uses that instead of being intimate with you to fulfill his desires, he has no real “need” to be one with you on a sexual level. When that need is fulfilled by the porn use, it then directly carries over into lack of interest to try to do other things to please you or make you happy. It becomes a vicious cycle of leading separate and very sad lives. There’s a support group here at CAF called, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity,” for wives who have been emotionally hurt by their husband’s porn use. You or any other wives reading this may wish to join. You’re definitely not alone in this regard, but there are many other issues in your marriage that a Priest and/or Christian counselor could be very beneficial in advising you on as well.
Please know that you’re not alone. Also pray diligently for Our Dear Lord’s assistance - He knows exactly what you’re going through and wants to help you and your family, but you need to be open to His love and caring. You’d be amazed what prayer and speaking to a Priest can do.

 

[Xantippe]

OP:

Camping: This is romanticized by my wife. We have attempted it several times but with 3 young girls and a wife who does not like animals or dirt, it almost always ends up with buying 200 dollars worth of camp food and then staying at a resort hotel.

**That actually sounds awesome.

Keep the camp food for emergency situations. If you have some means of heating water, you’d be able to live through a long power outage in high style. (My family used to do real camping trips hiking into the high country in WA, and even back in the late 80s/very early 90s the camp food could be very good.)**

So when my wife gets the urge to vacation or camp, or buy a tent, I am the one who knows what our bank account looks like that month or if I just spent 500 dollars on something we needed for the house or cars the day before. That is a stress and factor that she does not have that I do. When we are traveling in italy and we need to take a train or cab or buy dinner, She is not thinking about the debit card limit per day or how we will pay the power bill next month. But I am. So, when she comes to me (and I know this is comming soon) and says something like “hey, we need to take the kids on a cruise” I am the one who has to point out that we can’t pay for it with sparkles and rainbows. This makes me the “no” person.

**I’m not sure it ought to be that way. Maybe you ought to be the, “How are we going to pay for this, sugar?” person instead.

And encourage SMALL projects and perhaps dude ranch visits.
**

I literally laughed out loud at this.
It all started with my little dreamers idea that we start a Catholic book store. Then that we buy a ranch, then just a small “hobby” farm, now it is a christmas tree farm that does weddings in the summer. She always has these little gems. And I like it. I think it is cute. And some of them I can even get on board with. But mostly I blame pintrest, IG, and blogs. They present this perfect view of these little things that are not realistic.

**Farms!

Oh, my goodness.

I was talking to my dad about this (my family is wheat farmers/cattle ranchers on one side and part-time cattle ranchers on the other, and we agreed that nobody should BUY a farm that has never farmed. You should either get one from your family or marry a farm. But don’t, for goodness sake, BUY a farm.

Related: We don’t PAY for doctorates.
**

And while I am the person who does not think these things are a good idea, I never would have done some of the best things in my life without her constantly urging. True, we might have more retirement, or the couch might have deeper imprints, but I am glad she is the dreamer and wants to do these things. BUT, honestly, if I were not the more grounded one we would be on some kind of rinky dink hobby farm, where our children would be eating dirt and have no teeth.

Funny! Sad!

I’m sure someday I will be swearing under my breath as we try to figure out why the Christmas Trees wont grow and some piece of equipment does not work as we watch some "Christmas tree/ wedding farm we bought be condemned for a toxic waste spill. But until then, I have learned that with most things, if I just smile and nod and let her go on, something shiny will come along and distract her from whatever really really bad idea is her “dream” of the day… And if I am lucky that something shiny will land me in Italy again…

I think I’m probably more the dreamer in my family while my husband is the “no” guy. I’m trying to edge him into being the “How are we going to pay for that, sugar?” guy (and with some success), because we can actually do some amazing things–we just can’t do all the amazing things, and we can’t do them all now. We have to be patient and we have to choose which amazing thing we’re going to do.

 

[homekeeper]

So you’ve made it clear how your husband has failed and that you have let him know his failures…

What have you done to love and support your husband. When he was facing the crisis with his ex and the adoption did you partner with him? Did you help him?

Excuse me but “let him know his failures?” How would you know what I did or how I did it. Yes I did bring up our lack of intimacy. Is that wrong? Should I have just been a doormat and never had any intimacy for months or even years. Is that normal? I have supported my husband through 15 years of marriage, trying to encourage him. But there does come a time of giving and giving and never getting anything back. You just get tired. Especially since he has made it clear he doesn’t want my counsel or help when it comes to the past.

But thank you for your encouragement.

 

[homekeeper]

You already know the answer to that. No one can force anyone to do anything really. However you can force yourself to take some time to be silent and try and quiet your mind for a while.

Ask Jesus to give you His eyes, ask Jesus to let you see your husband through His eyes for a little while. You see, your husband drives you crazy but try and let that go for just a few minutes for some perspective. Jesus is crazy about your husband. Jesus loves your husband, and not just a little bit…Jesus is so much filled with love for you husband he is just madly in love with him that He died for him!

Jesus created your husband every little bit of him. Jesus knows how many hairs he has on his head. Jesus wants to heal his heart, Jesus longs to be close to him and to hold him. Your husband belongs to Jesus, he is His little boy.

Your situation is layered with so much sadness I don’t know where exactly to start, but a good place would be when your husband gave his son up for adoption. It seems that everything started to unravel when that happened. Perhaps you should treat that incident almost like you would a death in the family. What if one of your children died, how would you grieve? How would you handle it? Would you visit the cemetery? Would you have a memorial prayer on the child’s birthday? Your husband seems almost to be grieving as if this were a death, and in many ways it really is. He lost everything, he lost a child and yet there were no sympathy cards, no comforting family members, nothing. I suppose he agreed to it which compounds the problem and so that is why he might have very deep regrets.

If you have any love left for him, tell your husband you love him. Tell him you want things to be better. Resist the urge to nag him into being a better man, instead tell him you trust him and know that God has plans for all of you. Ask him what he thinks of having a picture of the children he gave up for adoption in your home with (perhaps) a little memorial note? Maybe you could get some balloons and release them on a sunny day to remember what happened and say a prayer? Something like that to show you love him and acknowledge his grief might help build a bridge and bring you two closer together for now as you begin to repair your life together.

Please be assured of my prayers.

Thank you this was very helpful! I have been praying so much and God has been my strength through this, but I still have moments of discouragments

 

[homekeeper]

What I see from your story is this constant complaining and you wanting your husband to do what you want and to change. Can YOU change? As a result he’s shutting down. Maybe you should just let him be… stop wanting things from him. Also, from children. People still do whatever they want…

Whatever happened to his first children? From his first marriage? Meanwhile, yours are almost grown up. Almost. Don’t use them as an excuse for getting or not getting a divorce. From what I’ve seen some people feel good in such relationships and go on and on forever. Some others don’t feel good. And they live. “Simple” as that.

.

I do not “constantly complain”. This is an issue of 15 years not of 6 months. I will maybe try to have a conversation with him once a month. But now I don’t bother with that because it doesn’t resolve anything anyways. I do try and improve myself. I have been going to daily mass whenever I can because it helps me so much. I also am working on my health which is slow going because of recovering from my tumor surgery. I want to join some women’s groups during the day but I am really busy at home as I keep the house clean and do all the chores like laundry, dishes, cooking for six people. Plus I have a yard and garden to mow, weed, and plant.

 

[homekeeper]

I am so sorry homekeeper for your pain, a pain shared in one form or another by many women across the globe.
I have not read your post fully so I do not know if you married your husband in Church. If so, then he is yours for life.
All I ask for these days is a husband who does not beat me; a roof over my head; a job that earns me enough money to support myself and the children.( and him if it comes to that!). Expecting anything more, I have since learnt, is wrought with heartache :sad_yes:

I hope you are not being beaten! If so even the church says you should leave! My heart goes out to you and I will be praying for you.

 

[homekeeper]

Please seek counseling for yourself, from a priest as you can trust them to keep everything under wraps. Then, focus on yourself instead of your spouse. If the children are almost grown as you said, you need to look outward to the world and find some way to give of yourself such as bringing meals to those who are shut-ins, attending Catholic womens’ groups such as Altar Society, attending Mass and receiving the sacrament of Penance and Holy Eucharist (if your situation allows it). Spend time working on yourself, an area that you really can make changes in, and let your husband be. If he follows you to church, he is not a lost cause, just maybe lost. Make yourself the best woman, the best Catholic Christian you can be and you will find great joy in that. I suspect that your expectations are what are making you so unhappy. Ask God to guide you and He will do it. Be the woman that God created you to be. Divorce doesn’t change you, your faith in God can do that. Uprooting your children at this stage of their lives would be a mistake.

Thank you this was helpful, my councilor said much the same about expectations. I have purposely tried to have no expectations of him, but it is a hard way to live. My children are not grown. I have a 6 year old son, a 10 year old daughter, an 11 year old son, and a 17 year old daughter. So I am staying for them. I wonder if our unhappiness is effecting them. I did not come from a good family. My parents divorced when I was 2 and my stepfather was a very abusive alcoholic. My bio dad was also an alcoholic so I have no idea what its like to be raised in a safe happy home. That is what I am trying to provide for my children. I don’t drink and my husband rarely.

 

[homekeeper]

I noticed the same thing, dear one with all Christian charity your post was filled with many criticisms of your husband. While sometimes people need to vent, everyone knows that marriages are made up of two imperfect people. I didn’t seem to noticed many mentions of things in your marriage that are going wrong because of you. Perhaps you believe it, you just didn’t mention it?

Jesus is what can give this situation hope. Ask Him to help you open your heart, because right now your heart is filled with bitterness. Jesus does not want you to be an angry and bitter woman, you can be warm and loving to your husband and you can have an intimate life again. I believe that your husband may be living with a deep grief that no one ever acknowledged. He needs comfort, just as when one goes through the death of a child, he perhaps can’t express it since he feels responsible and maybe even shame.

Jesus has known from all eternity that this would be your life RIGHT NOW. When God created Adam and Eve, when Moses received the 10 commandments, when all of the events of history were happening God knew that this moment of your life would happen. This is not a mystery to God, He knows how to help you through it and God’s way is usually the loving way. **Turn to Him. **

I absolutely believe that I have problems. In the past I have been too critical of him, he is very sensitive so if I even mention something he would shut down. Now I pretty much leave him to his own choices. I do not want to be a bitter woman. I am pretty much alone, I feel like we are just roomates that never talk to eachother.

 

[homekeeper]

OP:

As an example I just picked this part out and wish to address it.

My wife is very similar to what you describe yourself as here.

Camping: This is romanticized by my wife. We have attempted it several times but with 3 young girls and a wife who does not like animals or dirt, it almost always ends up with buying 200 dollars worth of camp food and then staying at a resort hotel. I grew up camping, not just “glamping” but we are talking horses, mountain lakes, and being gone for weeks. But my wife never did. So she has this kind of unrealistic view or the reality of it or of it’s enjoy-ability. Now, whenever she mentions it we just joke that we should book our 300 dollar a night rooms now and get the massage package.

I am sorry you have these camping experiences with your wife. I was raised camping, river rafting, and backpacking. Camping, and I mean the real camping is fun for me. I love roughing it, fishing, yes I even gut my own fish, and camp cooking. I like taking our kids up and teaching them things about nature and how to live in the woods, and although I like making our camping site a fun place for the kids I wouldn’t call it “glamping”.

Vacations: I do not travel well. I am a planner and most of the time vacations do not go as planned. We have been to Italy and Mexico and last fall, Disneyworld. We usually travel to a vacation 1 time a year. And only Italy and Disneyworld were times I liked it. Plus (and this goes for all the things you mentioned.) I do all the finances. So when my wife gets the urge to vacation or camp, or buy a tent, I am the one who knows what our bank account looks like that month or if I just spent 500 dollars on something we needed for the house or cars the day before. That is a stress and factor that she does not have that I do. When we are traveling in italy and we need to take a train or cab or buy dinner, She is not thinking about the debit card limit per day or how we will pay the power bill next month. But I am. So, when she comes to me (and I know this is comming soon) and says something like “hey, we need to take the kids on a cruise” I am the one who has to point out that we can’t pay for it with sparkles and rainbows. This makes me the “no” person.
**
We have not been on a vacation in four years due to money. I am the “no” person because I am in charge of the finances. Our vacations are very cheap compared to yours. We usually go to the coast and spend a few days there. That is luxury to us.**
Farms:

I literally laughed out loud at this.

BUT, honestly, if I were not the more grounded one we would be on some kind of rinky dink hobby farm, where our children would be eating dirt and have no teeth. So, one needs to balance the other. I give in when I can and she takes no for an answer when it really is a bad idea. We help each other out and neither of us resents the other for it. * Certainly not so much that she would include it in some kind of internet rant about divorcing me*…

**Wow, I came here asking for advice and perhaps encouragement because I felt so down. Thanks for that! And by the way I HAVE had a small hobby farm of sorts and did almost all the work myself. I know exactly what kind of work it is. I have cleaned out chicken coops, butchered meat rabbits and chickens. Milked cows and goats and raised an acre of garden canning the food myself. Not because this was so much blessed fun, but because it was a way to save money. I was able to barter, trade or work off the cost of the animals and feed. So this was not some pie in the sky dream of mine. I’ve done the unpleasant work and don’t complain about it. Because it needs to be done and someone’s got to do it. Maybe you think all women are just dreamers but I am a planner and do’er. I’m not sure if the rinky dinky hobby farm with kids eating dirt was directed at me but if so that is really insulting not only to me but to all hardworking farmers. We live in a ranching community and they are not only wonderful people but also great parents.

**
I’m sure someday I will be swearing under my breath as we try to figure out why the Christmas Trees wont grow and some piece of equipment does not work as we watch some "Christmas tree/ wedding farm we bought be condemned for a toxic waste spill. But until then, I have learned that with most things, if I just smile and nod and let her go on, something shiny will come along and distract her from whatever really really bad idea is her “dream” of the day… And if I am lucky that something shiny will land me in Italy again…

That last bit is kinda disrespectful of your wife. But its nice that you all have lots of money.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Homekeeper,

I am sorry that you are going through this, I pray that God grants you strength and guides you. I know you post here looking for support – and you will always have it from most of the posters.

My view is this – if you can take a few hours a day if you can for yourself, pray for guidance. Do not dwell on the “what ifs”, in your heart God will guide you. It may not be an easy decision at first, but the course of action you choose will be the right one.

I know what you are going through and it can be difficult but trust in God.

I pray that God grants you guidance and peace.

Winter

 

[horselvr]

homekeeper: I have to tell you that I tip my hat to you! I read everything and I have to say that if I did one half of everything you do I would have died from exhaustion long ago.

I do not agree with a lot of the posts.
First of all a divorce actually saved me and my little boy so divorce is not always a dirty word.

Honestly, what you have there really isn’t a marriage. You are the only one working to keep this “marriage” together and getting zero assistant from your “husband”.

I would not worry at all about him wanting to take the kids if you divorced—he doesn’t sound like he really cares about taking care of kids----after all that would require him to get a full time steady job—he’s not into that.

You are the one pulling the weight for both you and he. Really you are doing it all and he is just in the way. I agree, after awhile you do get sick and tired of having to do it all by yourself. I guess if one has never been there or if one has a good supportive husband one can feel differently.

Again my hat’s off to you—you are able to do it all on your own.

 

[homekeeper]

Homekeeper,

I am sorry that you are going through this, I pray that God grants you strength and guides you. I know you post here looking for support – and you will always have it from most of the posters.

My view is this – if you can take a few hours a day if you can for yourself, pray for guidance. Do not dwell on the “what ifs”, in your heart God will guide you. It may not be an easy decision at first, but the course of action you choose will be the right one.

I know what you are going through and it can be difficult but trust in God.

I pray that God grants you guidance and peace.

Winter

Thank you so much! I have been trying to go to daily mass and pray. It is a good time for me because the kids are in school so it is perfect for me to be alone with God. When they are all home its like a whirlwind and I don’t have time to think of anything but what they are saying. Good advice!

 

[homekeeper]

homekeeper: I have to tell you that I tip my hat to you! I read everything and I have to say that if I did one half of everything you do I would have died from exhaustion long ago.

I do not agree with a lot of the posts.
First of all a divorce actually saved me and my little boy so divorce is not always a dirty word.

Honestly, what you have there really isn’t a marriage. You are the only one working to keep this “marriage” together and getting zero assistant from your “husband”.

I would not worry at all about him wanting to take the kids if you divorced—he doesn’t sound like he really cares about taking care of kids----after all that would require him to get a full time steady job—he’s not into that.

You are the one pulling the weight for both you and he. Really you are doing it all and he is just in the way. I agree, after awhile you do get sick and tired of having to do it all by yourself. I guess if one has never been there or if one has a good supportive husband one can feel differently.

Again my hat’s off to you—you are able to do it all on your own.

Thank you, although I hate that I have to do it all on my own. I wish I had a partner, someone supportive or at least engaged in my life. I don’t know yet about divorce. I want one except for my children. The reason is that if I leave I don’t think he will be involved in their lives and that would break their hearts and mine. I came from a divorced family and loved my bio dad so much. He never came to my events or anything and it always hurt a little. As a mom I never want to see my children hurt although I know they will from life.