Please help- marriage advice

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BlossomingFaith

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-married outside church, I want convalidation
-recent revert
-husband not fan of Church, will go for family events and Christmas/Easter.
-husband recently completed cancer treatment successfully

I know I havent been the best wife and I want to be better for him but it seems like my reversion keeps causing problems. He has mentioned divorce but still loves me.

We finally had our first good weekend in a long, long time- and just ruined it with a big fight. We sat down to plan our cruise and I brought up church because I didnt want to be at sea without a Mass Sat/ Sun.

Because I cant miss one Mass, I am selfish, extremist and not focused on him or our marriage (paraphrasing.) I am so frustrated and sad. Am I being selfish? Theres a small chance there could be Mass if a priest happens to be on board, but it us not guaranteed. I wanted to try to arrange to be in port but it doesnt seem to work out. And we really cant use another cruise line for several reasons (deposit, this is what husband wants, he just started side job as travel agent specializing in this line.)

I feel like I have to choose between him and Church and he doesnt understand why all the things we promised and planned when we first met are not happening. We dont have children, we never moved anywhere better than our town and I am ruining one of the few things he has left.

I am so devastated…
 
BlossomingFaith said:
Short background
-married outside church, I want convalidation
-recent revert
-husband not fan of Church, will go for family events and Christmas/Easter.
-husband recently completed cancer treatment successfully

I know I havent been the best wife and I want to be better for him but it seems like my reversion keeps causing problems. He has mentioned divorce but still loves me.

We finally had our first good weekend in a long, long time- and just ruined it with a big fight. We sat down to plan our cruise and I brought up church because I didnt want to be at sea without a Mass Sat/ Sun.

Because I cant miss one Mass, I am selfish, extremist and not focused on him or our marriage (paraphrasing.) I am so frustrated and sad. Am I being selfish? Theres a small chance there could be Mass if a priest happens to be on board, but it us not guaranteed. I wanted to try to arrange to be in port but it doesnt seem to work out. And we really cant use another cruise line for several reasons (deposit, this is what husband wants, he just started side job as travel agent specializing in this line.)

I feel like I have to choose between him and Church and he doesnt understand why all the things we promised and planned when we first met are not happening. We dont have children, we never moved anywhere better than our town and I am ruining one of the few things he has left.

I am so devastated…
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If your husband keeps talking about divorce, don’t do convalidation. Don’t do it until you are in a better place.

Talk to a priest about getting a dispensation for the cruise. It may still work out with a Saturday or Sunday stop in port or a priest on board.

Best wishes!
 
Xantippe said:
If your husband keeps talking about divorce, don’t do convalidation. Don’t do it until you are in a better place.

Talk to a priest about getting a dispensation for the cruise. It may still work out with a Saturday or Sunday stop in port or a priest on board.

Best wishes!
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Thank you. Is it possible to get a dispensation for travel?

I dont think hes serious about divorce, more using it as a sort of motivation for me to (in his view) compromise and care about things that are important to him, which he feels I dont? The cruise isnt until 2016, but we need to pick the date asap. Should I just go along with it?
 
I don’t think you’re selfish. As Xantippe said, talk to your priest about getting a dispensation for the cruise.
 
BlossomingFaith said:
Thank you. Is it possible to get a dispensation for travel?

I dont think hes serious about divorce, more using it as a sort of motivation for me to (in his view) compromise and care about things that are important to him, which he feels I dont? The cruise isnt until 2016, but we need to pick the date asap. Should I just go along with it?
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Talk to your pastor about a dispensation.

I also feel like “motivating” a spouse with threats of divorce is gross and way out of line, especially over minor stuff like vacations. It’s not the sort of thing that a person with a Catholic understanding of marriage does, so I don’t think it would even be valid to do a convalidation with a husband that doesn’t believe in the permanency of marriage.

Can you guys go into counseling together? Even secular counseling could be a big help.

Also even a secular marriage or relationship book could be very helpful–for instance a book by John Gottman or similar.

Good luck!
 
BlossomingFaith said:
Thank you. Is it possible to get a dispensation for travel?

I dont think hes serious about divorce, more using it as a sort of motivation for me to (in his view) compromise and care about things that are important to him, which he feels I dont? The cruise isnt until 2016, but we need to pick the date asap. Should I just go along with it?
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Another option is to do your cruise from Sunday to Saturday. You can go to Mass Saturday night before you leave on Sunday and then you can go to Mass on Sunday after you get back on Saturday.
 
Xantippe said:
Talk to your pastor about a dispensation.

I also feel like “motivating” a spouse with threats of divorce is gross and way out of line, especially over minor stuff like vacations. It’s not the sort of thing that a person with a Catholic understanding of marriage does, so I don’t think it would even be valid to do a convalidation with a husband that doesn’t believe in the permanency of marriage.

Can you guys go into counseling together? Even secular counseling could be a big help.

Also even a secular marriage or relationship book could be very helpful–for instance a book by John Gottman or similar.

Good luck!
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Yeah. I’ve heard that just mentioning the D-word is enough to wreck a marriage. No matter how mad you are, how much you’re struggling, or how bad of a fight you had, you should never threaten divorce…unless you are really going to do it. Divorce is a serious, life-altering, only-to-be-used-in-worst-case-scenario-after-exhausting-all-other-possible-solutions action, and you should never throw it around lightly or use it to “motivate.”

I’m not suggesting you do this, but I have to wonder what he’d do if, the next time he threatens divorce, you said, “Ok. I’ll call the lawyers tomorrow morning.” It’s highly possible that he would be the one to start getting “motivated.”
 
Thanks for the advice. I will have to ask a priest.

Unfortunately, my husband refuses counseling. It really upset me to think that I shoukdnt have a convalidation- that basically takes away my hope of being reconciled to God.

My husband has just made it through cancer treatments at 34 years old and even before tgat he struggled with suicidal thoughts. I love him with my whole heart and I need to help him through this. i pray for our marriage or for him daily. I am starting to think I need to focus on him.

I feel like theres no way to fix my life. I am seeing a Catholic therapist myself. After my conversion, My husband and even my mother said that I am becoming too religious. (And my mother has religious statues in her bedroom, very active in two religious societies, etc) I dont trust my own thoughts sometimes. But I wonder if contributing to my husband’s anger and hopelessness isnt the greater sin.

I know I would never be with anyone else. I pray that somehow I can have a happy husband and my faith. Please pray for my husband’s conversion and our marriage.
 
Xantippe said:
Talk to a priest about getting a dispensation for the cruise. It may still work out with a Saturday or Sunday stop in port or a priest on board.
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Yes, just talk to your pastor about a dispensation. I have a bit of sympathy for your husband here, because you seem to be a bit too rigid in this matter. Dispensations are certainly possible.
Xantippe said:
If your husband keeps talking about divorce, don’t do convalidation. Don’t do it until you are in a better place.
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Yes, it’s very concerning!
kptrs said:
I’m not suggesting you do this, but I have to wonder what he’d do if, the next time he threatens divorce, you said, “Ok. I’ll call the lawyers tomorrow morning.” It’s highly possible that he would be the one to start getting “motivated.”
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While I don’t think this approach should be taken (noting that kptrs hasn’t actually suggested it), I do think it’s time to consider challenging your husband on this issue.

You don’t want the threat of divorce hanging over your marriage, and you certainly don’t want to have a convalidation followed by a divorce. If he is likely to divorce you at some point, you’d be wise to force the issue now and deal with it, either way.
 
kptrs said:
Yeah. I’ve heard that just mentioning the D-word is enough to wreck a marriage. No matter how mad you are, how much you’re struggling, or how bad of a fight you had, you should never threaten divorce…unless you are really going to do it. Divorce is a serious, life-altering, only-to-be-used-in-worst-case-scenario-after-exhausting-all-other-possible-solutions action, and you should never throw it around lightly or use it to “motivate.”

I’m not suggesting you do this, but I have to wonder what he’d do if, the next time he threatens divorce, you said, “Ok. I’ll call the lawyers tomorrow morning.” It’s highly possible that he would be the one to start getting “motivated.”
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I cant speak to his intentions or if it just me trying to minimize his serious concerns. I never want to try to call his bluff, because he is struggling through so much and he is a very stubborn and indepedent person. Theres a chance he could do it and both of us end up miserable and alone. His parents divorced and he still bears the scars. I know he felt strongly that he didn want to end up like that. I cant imagine my life without him.
 
underacloud said:
Yes, just talk to your pastor about a dispensation. I have a bit of sympathy for your husband here, because you seem to be a bit too rigid in this matter. Dispensations are certainly possible.

Yes, it’s very concerning!

While I don’t think this approach should be taken (noting that kptrs hasn’t actually suggested it), I do think it’s time to consider challenging your husband on this issue.

You don’t want the threat of divorce hanging over your marriage, and you certainly don’t want to have a convalidation followed by a divorce. If he is likely to divorce you at some point, you’d be wise to force the issue now and deal with it, either way.
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Thank you. I feel like in understanding the gravity of my sins, I never want to sin again. I dont understand gray areas very well.

I dont believe he is likely to divorce me, I think he is lonely and crying out for help. I have always put career and my family before him and now I am putting church before him. He has no siblings, very few friends and he doesnt speak to his parents very often (they are divorced). I understand how he feels and that is why sometimes I wonder if I should “take” a sin if necessary to bring harmony to our life and preserve and improve our marriage.
 
There is a principle of cannon law that you cannot be required to do the impossible. If your boat is at sea and there is no Priest, your obligation is dispensed with out of impossibility. While you should not plan your travels to purposefully miss Mass, if you cannot fufill your obligation, you have not sinned. As others have said, you can also ask for a dispensation from your Priest.

JMR
 
My priest has been happy to give me dispensation for missing Mass when I’ve been on cruises. Once we were in port on a Saturday and so I found a vigil Mass in Paris.

I’m sorry for your troubles. It sounds like your husband has just been through a very hard time and it must have been difficult for both of you.
 
jmr_1985 said:
There is a principle of cannon law that you cannot be required to do the impossible. If your boat is at sea and there is no Priest, your obligation is dispensed with out of impossibility. While you should not plan your travels to purposefully miss Mass, if you cannot fufill your obligation, you have not sinned. As others have said, you can also ask for a dispensation from your Priest.

JMR
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This makes sense. My guess is that the priest would either give a dispensation or say that if try to find a Mass and cannot you have not sinned.

This would probably be on the condition that the original poster is obviously not looking for a lame excuse to miss Mass. 👍
 
One more thing-

85% of the fights in our relationship revolved around me not wanting to have sex. We couldnt at all during his treatment. Now, I am certain that avoiding sex completely for the next few months while waiting for our marriage to improve so we can go through a convakidation is impossible. I dont know what to do.
 
BlossomingFaith said:
One more thing-

85% of the fights in our relationship revolved around me not wanting to have sex. We couldnt at all during his treatment. Now, I am certain that avoiding sex completely for the next few months while waiting for our marriage to improve so we can go through a convakidation is impossible. I dont know what to do.
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:hug3:

What is his understanding of your beliefs? I mean, does he know why you have to wait for a convalidation to have sex?
 
kptrs said:
:hug3:

What is his understanding of your beliefs? I mean, does he know why you have to wait for a convalidation to have sex?
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Well, he doesnt want the convalidation, although he didnt say no to it. He just doesnt see the need.

I havent told him we should wait until after since we dont have that worked out yet. We just aren’t having sex because we haven’t in months- before I knew I needed a convalidation to confess.

Sometimes I just get so fed up with this and with myself I just think that there is literally no right thing to do.
 
He understands some Catholic things bc he went to CCD and was raised Catholic but as I said if the biggest problem from his viewpoint is lack of sex, how can I make the relationship better? The other things (my depression, messiness) I am trying to tackle slowly, but thats not the thing that made him feel unloved and suicidal.
 
I am sorry I keep adding, but I have nowhere else to turn. i want to save my marriage and I want to be a good Catholic but I need help. I would follow any plan if I knew it would work, but I seem to be spinning my wheels. I need to make him feel loved and respected and valued but he feels the opposite.
 
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