Please help me...I am living in regret

[LittleDeb]

I really wonder what it is that makes women like us desperately want children, 4. 5, 6… more… and others who have two that are able to switch off that desire? The suffering you now feel can be offered up for all those little babies that are not wanted and aborted. Probably little comfort, I’m sorry… but God does use suffering for good.

I have often wondered about this too. I have some musings that might be helpful for the healing of some post-sterilization or post abortion sufferers. These thoughts have helped me heal deeply from both sexual assault and sexual impurity. Please note these are only my opinions. They are based on the study and meditation of Theology of the Body, (TOB). I am not presenting my musings as Church teaching.

I have found that this ‘switching off’ happens as a result of the assault on the Church at Her most basic level, the domestic Church. In other words–The family and all of its components. We are in an era (after the fall of Man) where women and men have either been viewed as “one is better than the other” or that “we are the same and thus interchangeable.” Both are really incompatible with God’s design. For brevity here, I will try to mainly address how this has applied to women. (Right, me be brief? Dream on. )

There are roles that are absolutely tied to our sex. Only women can be impregnated. Only men can impregnate. Both are, as Fr. Corapi would say, “equal in dignity, but not the same.” I see the rejection of our ability to procreate (for men and women) as a neutering of the sexes. In the name of ‘equality’ we have sought a ‘sameness.’ Women suffer this in a deeply personal way as we are the ones who carry that new life. I’m not saying that men don’t regret vasectomies, they regret it differently. (After all one of the euphemisms for it is, “we took the bullets out of the gun.” Now the gun goes rather than .) But they don’t mourn their own empty womb.

Tubal ligation has a neutering effect on women even though the ovaries are still present. It means that we have separated our womb from the very source of life. Those women who have switched off the desire for children seem deeply affected by this previous assault on their femininity. Please forgive the term, but a “tubal ligation of the mind,” so to speak, has already happened. When I was in my promiscuous years, that is precisely what I sought to separate. This sexual action that I was doing could not result in pregnancy! After all, men don’t get pregnant, why can’t I be like them? This sameness of sexuality is what I wanted. But why I wanted that, I had no idea.

I finally started to realize that I wanted this sameness with men because I was ashamed of my own femininity. I was frightened by it. I wanted to believe that just being a mother was not enough. I needed to somehow prove myself as being more than just a woman. So what is “more than a woman?” At the time I thought the answer was, “a man.” It took a long while to see that “more than a woman AND a man” is God. Then I started to see the profound beauty behind TOB. I got to see the absolute simple miracle of the domestic Church. Man + Woman = Baby. WOW! But that too has a season. We don’t make babies eternally. True glory is upon the marriage of Christ and His Church.

Sorry, my yap runneth over once again. I really need to get a blog.

 

[mommyof4]

Thank you, LittleDeb.

 

[RWMorris]

If I could possibly afford it I would try to have the reversal but have been told that my tubes are too destroyed to allow the surgery. I am not doubting the forgiveness God has given me at all. I know He has forgiven me. It’s more like the regret is something I go through every day. It’s worse now that one of my best friends is expecting her tenth child and I keep thinking, “That could have been me…”. My womb just aches for more children, I don’t understand how I could have made the choice I did. We did practice NFP but wanted so many children that we really only practiced it to HAVE children. The last birth was so hard I just felt I couldn’t go through it again. My DH feels the same way I do…that we should have had more children. It gets hard when people say “You should be glad you had four children,” we ARE glad; we’re just living with the consequences of cutting off our God-given fertility.

 

[debraran]

If it’s not too nosy, about how old are you? I wonder because sometimes women get it very young (my doctor wouldn’t do it before 35) and they had more childbearing years left.
My tubes were also cut and cauterized very well, and I suppose it’s good in a way, he did it in a way to help prevent pregnancy and tubal pregnancy which can be fatal.

I know when you can’t have something, the pangs can be worse, but you will find a way to move on. When you truely let go enough to feel his grace, it’s a great thing. I really cherish my 3 now even more if possible.

One thing about family size though, it is truely personal, not everyone is happy with a large family, even ones that had them. I learned never to assume or judge or say anything about a family of one or 10 after working in childcare and a hospital. Looks can be deceiving on both sides.

 

[kamz]

After the very difficult birth of my youngest child, I had a tubal ligation. I was not Catholic at the time and had no understanding of what I was doing. Now I can hardly live with my self, knowing of all the children I could have had. I am so sad. Are there any others like me who made this horrible choice? I need your prayers.

I know exactly what you are going through as I am dealing with it myself. I underwent a tubal over four years ago after the traumatic birth of my 4th child via c section. I didn’t have any idea of the church’s teachings on sterilization until almost a year after I had the tubal done. I have confessed and confessed to the point my wonderful priest has told me that I need to accept that I am forgiven and I must move forward and I don’t need to confess this over and over. It is so hard. I’m not saying we would have had more kids as we were told my life was in danger but I would have been willing to use NFP and abstinence under those conditions.

What has been helping me is to talk about my feelings openly and not be ashamed of my feelings of regret and ache.

Also, after prayerful discernment we have become foster parents, we both felt that God opened up a whole new window for our family and said “take care of my children” and believe me… so many children need good, caring, secure homes to stay in during times of crisis. It has really made me feel like a mom not only to my birth children but also a “mom to many”
maybe that is not for you, but God does have plans for you if you are open to them.

I don’t think I’ll ever really get over this but I know that if I am open to doing God’s will then I can be sure to be the best me that God wants me to be and doing his work is a huge blessing.

 

[RWMorris]

I am 42 and it is really too late for me to have anything reversed. Unfortunately.

 

[LittleDeb]

I have a question for all post tubal or post vasectomy folks. I hope it is not too personal.

Did the feelings of regret happen before, during, or after your journey back home to the Faith? I ask because I have heard from some people that the only reason they felt regret for something is because “Catholic guilt” made them feel that way.

My feelings on contraception started changing while I was a very nominal Catholic. It was in finding that I was wrong and the Church was right that started getting me really active again.

If the question is too personal please forgive me. I am just curious.

 

[Nicole]

Little Deb, I don’t think it is Catholic guilt at all. For me, it was always there, the regret, but more intense after I first listened to Christopher West really explain Catholic teaching. It wasn’t about having more kids per se, but the whole freely and fully part of the marital act. It seemed to tragic to lose that, by our own decision. Quite a bit after that I met a lot of families w/lots of kids who had always followed Church teachings. They were such an inspiration, but also really drove it home to me what we had lost. That was hard.

But we are a reversal couple too and thank God for his mercy, we are expecting our first reversal baby. Ten years after my last pregnancy, here we are again. I realize that sometimes God’s plans don’t line up with ours, but I am so thankful that this time for us they did.

 

[PAR]

The woman who said to me think about the children here on earth that you can help really helped me out and I am going to help those little ones if I can. Thank you.

 

[RWMorris]

I have a question for all post tubal or post vasectomy folks. I hope it is not too personal.

Did the feelings of regret happen before, during, or after your journey back home to the Faith? I ask because I have heard from some people that the only reason they felt regret for something is because “Catholic guilt” made them feel that way.

My feelings on contraception started changing while I was a very nominal Catholic. It was in finding that I was wrong and the Church was right that started getting me really active again.

If the question is too personal please forgive me. I am just curious.

My feelings of regret date from about a year after I had the procedure done. I was going to an Episcopal Church, which of course allows anything to go on. Since I turned thirty the feelings really got stronger that what I’d done was wrong. I’ve only been in the Church for a year and a half, but the ligation really had nothing to do with my return to the one true Church.
Another thing - I DO give my time to other children. I’m a music teacher. It doesn’t help that deep ache in my heart, although hopefully soon I’ll have more grandchildren living close to me and people say that really does help. I am not beating myself up for having the ligation; I’ve been to Confession and accept that my sterility is a cross I must bear because of the consequences of my actions. It is just a very hard cross to bear.

 

[aloejamb]

Little Deb,
What a great question! DH had it done 5 years ago… Then our reversion came and once we starting letting the Lord take over (it was not overnight), doors opened that we would not have dreamed of passing let alone walking through (hence our adoption journey). I know we didn’t adopt out of guilt. So, my answer would be no, it’s not catholic guilt.
Nicole really explained it so well when she described the gift of the marital act and we chose to cut that off. That’s where the remorse is. That we had a copy of the Catechism and never bothered to open it to find out what our Faith taught us, that is where remorse is. What overpowers me more though is the fact that our Heavenly Father is loving and merciful. I know we are forgiven. And even though we were stubborn in our ways, He lovingly led us down another path. It was such a wonderful experience, that I couldn’t imagine not having that journey. (and for clarification, Although I would encourage anyone who feels called, I know that adoption is not something that is for everyone. I can only share our experience). We fail Him every day in one way or another, yet He still continues to pull us to Him and shower us with His grace.
We have been praying alot lately as to what His next plan is for us in the children department. So far, we are still unsure. We have talked briefly about adoption again and have talked even more about reversal (right now we are researching because we know nothing much about it). With our first adoption it was a definite “pick up the phone He is calling”. When I saw this thread, I just couldn’t help but respond with our experience. It is so often a taboo subject.
So thank you RWMorris for starting it. I have found it healing and I think it safe to say, I am not the only one. I just hope you have found it as helpful.

 

[RWMorris]

God has blessed us with another child! No, I am not pregnant but my neice, who has been having problems at home with my sister, will be joining our family as number five child. I feel so blessed…as though I have been given another chance to mother a different child. Jaimie is 18 and an amazing person; kind, considerate, loving, gracious. We will be helping her through college as she lives with us. How we’re going to keep feeding all these teenagers and their friends remains a mystery, however. I guess God will provide!
Thank you all for your loving answers and most of all, thank God for His loving goodness in allowing me to express my maternal feelings on another child.

 

[PAR]

No in all honestly I thought if I couldn’t have my one child which I had aborted because my hair was falling out at the time. I couldn’t have another child ever again. I was wrong in my thoughts that was all.

 

[LittleDeb]

Thanks to all who were able to answer my question. Your answers made a lot of sense. I think most people who really fall on the idea of Catholic guilt are still fairly nominal Catholics. They feel guilty enough to feel bad, yet not guilty enough to seek real forgiveness.

Feeling like we did wrong and then finding out we were wrong is actually very freeing! Forgiveness in Confession has such a real healing effect. We are actually healed. Our struggles after that have to do with how we feel about our forgiveness. I know I have confessed things and been absolved, only to let bad thoughts of, “You don’t deserve forgiveness” creep back in.

For me it is good lesson on the Sacraments. Reconciliation is not a symbol of forgiveness. It is an actual forgiveness! How amazing is that?