Please help me I am perturbed

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popinjay3

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For the past year and a half , I have been terribly perturbed, tormented even, by the thought that God could want be to be a nun or live in a cloister. This fear of being called to be a nun has gotten so terrible that I can’t sleep at night, and I fear going to Mass or praying too much or getting closer to God. I think about this possibility that I might or could be called to be a nun every single day at almost every single hour. It’s horrible and messing with my life.

It all started last year, when a priest who helped me with some issues, said “it was coming strongly off me”- the aura that I might be called to be a religious. At first, I didn’t think too much of it- it was just a what the heck moment. But somehow, I started thinking more and more about it until it terrified me. Now, I have to add that this priest, while very good and faithful, wants everybody to be a nun. He even suggested that that my mother could do so too.Then as I started thinking about the possibility that I could be called, I started seeing nuns in pictures, in books, magazines. I’ve heard that God sends us signs, but it just seemed as the more scared I started to get at the thought of having a vocation to religious life, the more I saw these little “signs”. Whenever I see something even remotely related to being a nun, I get terrified and nervous and want to scream.

Besides that I have no attraction to being a nun or consecrated life. I do not picture myself being a nun. In fact, I very much want to live and see and explore the world. I struggled with an eating disorder and mental issues for many years. It was horrible and isolated myself from anyone and never wanted to go out with any friends because I thought I was fat and hideous.It was total misery. So, throughout all these years I’ve been covering myself, wearing dark clothes, and only dresses because I think I look horrible in everything else. I was hiding myself in large clothes, so nobody could see my ugliness. I also had a terrible time at my extremely small catholic school, I only had like two friends and felt miserable being in such a small space with the same people for years. Ultimately, I realized that I don’t want to be alone- that isolation is misery.

It has only been in the past few months that I have begun to enjoy life and myself again. I now wear things that show off my shape ; and think that I am not ugly but actually pretty. I have a little more confidence; and it is great. I hang out with my friends a little more and have told them about my mental issues. I don’t think God would honestly want me to go to a convent or cloister. I don’t think he would want me to be isolated again or wear dark baggy clothes. I have only started to enjoy life a little bit and get past all these troubles and mental issues. I also don’t think that God would want to crush my dreams of being a lawyer and traveling around the world with my family. I don’t want to be separated from this world which is good; and I really believe that my dreams aren’t selfish. I am not seeking riches, just a life filled with friends and family.

Not too long ago, I used to say I never wanted to get married because I was selfish and thought that kids could ruin your physique and that a husband would make you stay at home. But secretly, I think I’ve always wished to be married and fall in love and have kids. I’ve finally seen the good in family life only after discovering I don’t want to be alone and that perhaps my repelling to marriage was caused by the fact that my parents were divorced. There was this boy who liked me back in high school, and I liked the feeling of being valued and told you’re pretty. I had never thought of myself as pretty or likable until then. For someone who struggled so much with body image that’s a big step. I was surprised that someone could like me even if I wasn’t skinny or had a perfect nose. However, because I have always lied and said that I don’t want to get married, one person has suggested I should be a nun instead.

So now, I struggle with this superhuman fear that I will be forced to be nun and join a cloister . It gets in the way of my life . Whenever I hang out with this boy I like or talk about how I want to travel and be a lawyer or anything in the future, I feel like its all futile- that in the end, I will be forced to become a nun and never know the love that a man can give you and t freedom. Yes, I know that God’s love is a million times better than the love any human can give you and that nuns are also happy people and love what they do, but can’t humans have their own desires? I’ll admit, I don’t even know God that well and lately because of this predicament I’ve grown farther apart. I sometimes think that God is just a tyrant and will force me into things. I think he’ll just take away more and more from me every time; I was miserable enough already in high school. Sometimes, I think it’s the devil wanting to separate me from god and peace and making me doubt in God by making me think I could be called to be a nun. About two years ago, I had troubles with demonic obsession and this is worse. So as you can see, I am terribly confused and lost.
 
The only clear indication I believe, clear sign I’ve ever received from God, came one night after I hung out with the boy I like. That day I was feeling so perturbed by this fear of being a nun that I was shaking and crying.So I asked him of we could hang out because I felt paranoid and lonely being alone at home. We did, and it helped a bit, but as usual I doubted and began thinking it was futile to even like someone because I would end up being forced to be nun. So when I came home, I cried because I didn’t want to be a nun and leave this life behind. I screamed to God and told him I really didn’t want him to call me.So I tried to distract myself and keep my sanity by going on the computer and looking at random stuff. But it came up again - the word nun and sister. At that point I lost it and told God to tell me something- anything. I went to bed and woke up again at 11 pm and knew what I had to do. I checked my email, where I get these daily opus dei messages, and I was a little nervous but more calm than anything. So I opened the message and my heart nearly dropped when I saw the part of the heading: “God wants you to serve…” I clicked on it, kind of scared, and read the rest of it. The message read " God wants you to serve in the ordinary, material, and secular world." It said that you would never find God if you didn’t find him in the world and that God made the world good for us to enjoy. At that moment I felt real peace, and could finally rest. When I woke up I was really happy and optimistic because I felt that God had listened to me. That is the only incident where I have actually trusted in God a bit and had peace. All the other instances of seeing pictures of nuns, or the word nun or sister, and thinking God could call me or is calling me have left in me a deep feeling of despair, sadness and unease. It even makes me physically agitated: my chest hurts and constricts like I’m in danger; it is a horrible fear.

I am sorry for this super long post, but I need to get everything out. I am too scared to go to a priest because I think that he too will tell me I should be a nun. But I honestly don’t believe that a vocation is this horrifying and perturbing and that I should think about it every second of the day.
 
Please be at peace! If you are truly called to religious life, God will NOT cause you stress or anxiety! You will be be at peace, content and full of joy. What is giving you sleepless nights is that you are anxious about ignoring any calling, not the possible calling itself. Just be open as Mary was open to Gods call to be the Mother of our Lord. You dont have to enter a convent tomorrow, but dont reject the idea either. You said you are struggling with mental issues. That could be part of your anxiety, and if you have severe enough symptoms, you may not be invited into religious life anyway.

So be at peace. See your doctor first , then you priest. Dont be fearful, but dont try to reject the idea either. You never know what God can do in our lives.

God bless! I pray for you mental health and vocation, whether religious, married or single!
 
i agree with Robert above, slow down and take it one day at a time. perhaps you will change your mind about it later or perhaps you will get married or stay single. just always be open to God’s call but you don’t have to run off and make rash decisions either. God is the one who places desires in our hearts ultimately. just like how your feelings slowly changed about marriage. and just for the record, not every single suggestion from a priest is an infallible calling; there are just giving opinions. like you said yourself, he seems to want everyone to become a nun. perhaps he’s anxious about the decline in religious vocations
 
At this point in time, I would say that the terror and anxiety you feel would indicate that you are not suited for a vocation as a nun as I think this disposition would likely hinder you in this possible vocation. Moreover, be at peace knowing that God can just as pleased with those called to the single or married vocations, as well as the religious.

I feel perhaps this issue reflects an overall fearful mindset? I pray that you find comfort and peace in your life
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
It all started last year, when a priest who helped me with some issues, said “it was coming strongly off me”- the aura that I might be called to be a religious

as a baptist – i have seen many people who would get a “prophetic word” that made them un-easy–

As Saint Paul said-- (1 cor14)a prophetic word – is supposed to edify- comfort - and confirm what God has for you–

1 Corinthians 14:3 But the one who prophesies speaks to people for …

But he that prophesieth speaketh unto men to edification, and exhortation, and comfort.

but you are experiencing what Saint paul refers to a thought stronghold
as in 2 cor 10:5
2 Corinthians 10:4-5 - .‎
For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)

Casting down imaginations, and every. etc…
 
Please be at peace. I will not speak about what you are called to do in life. That is something you should talk about with a priest and close friends, not a random person with a keyboard. I myself have feared in the past couple years that I may be called to the priesthood despite asking for it up to that point. Now I actually want to be a priest again. However, you don’t seem to simply fear being a nun, you fear being lonely and unhappy. Remember, no matter what Our Lord calls you too, you will realize that it is what is best for you. And if you are to have a family, praise God! If you are to be a nun, praise Him still! He knows better than us. Discern! If you want to talk more, you can send me a message.
 
I don’t want to say one way or another what your vocation is, but I do *not *think the anxiety you feel is any sort of sign of anything like that. First, a vocation is more than a priest saying you have some sort of aura, so don’t pay attention to that. Second, you said, “Sometimes, I think it’s the devil wanting to separate me from God and peace and making me doubt in God by making me think I could be called to be a nun.”<<<< the anxiety you are feeling seems (to this random person on the internet) to be more likely to be this or possibly a left-over bit from your previous emotional problems, or maybe something else.

You also wrote, “About two years ago, I had troubles with demonic obsession and this is worse.”

I think maybe the best thing for you to do would be to find a good priest to discuss everything you have told us. I don’t think any of it is related to a call from God, bit a priest may be able to help you sort out what is going on. And that would be a much better solution than info from people on the internet 🙂 If you can find a priest who is knowledgeable about spiritual combat on the level you were experiencing before–or if a priest helped you with that, go back to him–that would probably be best. You just need to find out which way to go to get some easing of your distress.
 
I don’t think God ever forces anybody to be a nun or anything else in particular.

I do think, at a point, people simply know what their vocations are, and they come as gentle things for the most part. I knew since I was maybe four years old that I would never be a priest, that I would be married and have children. Not for a minute did I doubt that or have the slightest qualm about it, and so it turned out.

Some, on the other hand, feel called to the priesthood or religious life at some point in life, and it’s not an angry or grim decision. They embrace it because they know it’s what their fulfillment as a person requires, not what some angry God is forcing them to do.

Having said that, it is plain to me that you are inclined to excessive rumination, and not only about being a nun. You might want to talk to a qualified professional about that before deciding to be a lawyer, a world traveler, or anything else.
 
Hi, I have been through similar things as you. I spent over twenty years
(from ages 20-40) obsessing about being a nun. It started when a priest who
did not know me asked if I ever thought of being a nun. The idea absolutely
terrified me. It was the very last thing I wanted to do.
Then the Pope came to Boston and made a speech about vocations.
I felt very guilty because I had no desire to be a nun. I thought I had to
do it or God would be extremely angry with me. Also, I had to leave everything
and join Mother Theresa in India. Extreme thinking. I felt very selfish for
wanting to marry and have a family. Thoughts of Mother Theresa
dominated my mind. She had just become famous at the time.

Anyway, because of this obsession I gained a hundred lbs. and nearly
flunked out of college . I put off dating for years because I thought I
had to be a nun. I never had children because I thought I had to. be a nun.
I never became a teacher because I thought it was not good
enough.
 
To make a long story short, it turned out that I have Obsessive Compulsive
Disorder and major depression. I lost the best years of my life obsessing.
I have a good life now. I married my husband six years ago at the age of
48. He is a wonderful, Catholic man.

Nowadays they have more and better treatments for OCD then they did
when I was in college. I wish I had been diagnosed and treated sooner.
I suffered greatly from thinking that everything I did was a sin and that
I was going straight to hell. I suffered thinking I was letting God down in
a big way by not being a nun. I was scrupolous on top of having OCD

If God wants you to be a nun, he will give you the desire for it. His call
Is very gentle and loving. He wants you to be happy and there are many
ways to serve. Many wives and mothers became saints by following
God’s will for them
 
Anyway, I will pray for you.

I am not a doctor so I cannot say if you have OCD or not. I truly do not
believe your thoughts are coming from God. They sound intrusive, maybe
destructive and very bothersome. God doesn’t work that way.

You need a good priest/spiritual director and probably a Christian or
Roman Catholic therapist and psychiatrist. There are plenty good medications
out there that can help.

You very likely have some kind of anxiety order. The good news is
there are lots of great treatments out there.
This is not your fault, it is a biological/medical problem.
Seek treatment so you can live a happier life. Be at peace. God loves
You.
 
Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make my heart like unto thine…

Praying for you that God grants you faith, peace, strength, hope and love.

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.
 
Thank you very much for all your responses.I am very, very grateful. And yes, I do have at least some tendency toward OCD; that’s one of the reasons why I got an eating disorder in the first place. I’m a very high achieving student and individual so when I think that none of the things I have worked for and desired all my life will come true, I despair. Now, I have to concentrate on getting into college. I especially thank jaimeleglise. It’s assuring to hear from someone with similar problems. Again, thank you all, may God bless you.
 
God does not desire us to be miserable or unhappy. He didn’t give us a vocation only to have us hate it. God loves you and would not want you to feel terror over your path in life.
 
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