Please help me, I feel so lost

[LP4H]

I’ve been debating whether to post about this or not for awhile, and I’ll be going to confession next chance I get. Bear with me, this will be a little long.

I’m haunted by blasphemous thoughts. Maybe it’s OCD, maybe it’s the devil whispering into my ear, I don’t know. I pray that my heart isn’t wicked. I hate this feeling of hopelessness. It seems I’ll be fine for a few days, and then all of a sudden I’ll be worse off again. I can’t even bear to type these thoughts out, and I certainly won’t speak them aloud. They’re bad, though. Definitely awful.

I know despair is a sin, and I know satan tries to knock those that love Christ down (and the fact that this started happening right when I was feeling great in faith supports this), but man, I just don’t know what to do. Yes, I pray. Constantly, almost. If this happens at work, I’ll go in the back room, and repent and pray. Sometimes, it just doesn’t seem enough. About two weeks ago, something so absolutely horrible about Christ entered my mind, I broke out in a sweat. It seems that when it comes to evil thoughts, it just doesn’t get any worse than this particular thought (I dare not speak or type it, it’s between Jesus and me, I pray he forgives me).

It’s not that I believe these thoughts, it’s not that I want these thoughts, they just pop up. I wouldn’t even call them thoughts so much as ‘statements’ in my mind. They go beyond blasphemy, sometimes it’s outright heresy, it’s like satan attacks my mind directly. Two nights ago, I had a nightmare about my salvation being irrevocably lost due to selling my soul, and now that’s been preying on my mind for two days. And then tonight, another stupid little statement. Now I’m worried my soul has been sold.

Let me make one thing clear: I love Jesus. More than anything. Just typing that makes me feel great. I know he knows I don’t want this, but I can’t shake the feeling my mind is hopelessly corrupt. My worries run from the unforgivable sin, all the way to the aforementioned selling of the soul. I try to be the best person I can be, to worship and thank Jesus for everything, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s not enough.

Then, on top of all of this, there’s the fear that I’ve gone beyond normal sin, I’m unsalvageable. Jesus died for the sins of the world, of course, but I’ve gone beyond that, it feels like. One of the scariest things is the thought that no matter what I’m told, no matter what I read, at the end of my life there will still be that little doubt. Or even worse, right before I die, my mind will blaspheme. Lord, please don’t let that happen.

Of course, then there’s the fear that Catholic interpretation of the Bible is wrong, other denominations are right, etc. etc. It’s gotten to the point where If I find out someone’s a Christian but not Catholic, I become uneasy, though I certainly don’t look down upon Protestants. I think it’s more due to the fact that I really hate conflict. In fact, there’s one Christian website that has been most helpful to me, even though it’s definitely not Catholic (I believe that even if a Christian group isn’t Catholic, that doesn’t automatically invalidate all of it’s teachings. Just wanted to clarify, I’m sure the CC doesn’t teach that).

Despite all I’ve said, I’m not a depressive person, I’m usually pretty happy. I do have a bit of a temper, though it doesn’t show up like it used to. I have Jesus to thank for that. Despite the evil that rages inside my head, I do try to follow Jesus. Some sins have been wiped out almost completely, others I’m still working with. I do have OCD. I haven’t been clinically diagnosed, but I have it. I’ve always obsessed about things, big or little, be it a scratch or germ. I’m constantly washing my hands, and you don’t want to know the process I go through just to open up something I’ve received in the mail (something I’ll be adding to one of my collections, not something like junk mail, mind you). Lately, suicide has popped into my mind, but I know that’s never the answer (persevering to the end, after all).

Thanks for hearing me out, I know I rambled. It actually feels better to get this out in the open, among people who will hopefully understand. No matter what happens, I’ll continue to follow Jesus. Perhaps he’ll have mercy on me. I really do feel like the greatest sinner. I really don’t know what kind of replies to expect, all I ask is that you please pray for me. I could really use it right now.

 

[dulcissima]

I’m not sure that I have any advice to offer you, other than to assure you that no sin is to great to be forgiven. I wouldn’t really worry that you are even close to being in danger that way since these thoughts are involuntary. In fact, I would bet that worrying about them so much only makes you think about them more.

I’m glad that you are going to confession. I am sure that your priest can help you. Don’t feel embarassed to discuss the particulars with him either. When he tells you that your sins are forgiven, have real confidence that they are.

I’m praying for you.

 

[uther]

Do you know anything about how the medical profession deals with OCD?
I don’t personally, but my first thought is to get a professional opinion on that aspect, hopefully from a Catholic psychological professional. Then, if there is any kind of treatment for it, that would be the first step.
After that, you could then re-evaluate your spiritual life and maybe have a little more success.
I’m just talking off the top of my head here but that is the order in which I would think most counselors would suggest to proceed.

And, in the meantime, as you pray to God for help, it couldn’t hurt to ask for some intercessory help as well, from our Lady of course, but I would also suggest St. Therese of Lisieux, of the Child Jesus, the little flower as she was known. She had severe internal struggles and could pray powerfully for you.

I will ask her to pray for you right now.

 

[mosher]

I pray that my heart isn’t wicked. I hate this feeling of hopelessness. It seems I’ll be fine for a few days, and then all of a sudden I’ll be worse off again.

Some of the best advice that I have heard for someone in your position is that you need to stop worrying about it. OCD is a control disorder and if you are able to let go of a little you will be able to unwind in many things. Trust in the Lord, remember that we are not created wicked but that the human person is a reflection of the Divine Person that that we tend toward the good and not the evil but when we do sin we must recall that God is ever ready to accept us with open arms and slaughter the fatty calf at our return. The work of continual conversion is a constant up and down - it is in that process of highs and lows that eventually order our passions and will in time make us holy.

I know despair is a sin, and I know satan tries to knock those that love Christ down (and the fact that this started happening right when I was feeling great in faith supports this), but man, I just don’t know what to do. Yes, I pray. Constantly, almost. If this happens at work, I’ll go in the back room, and repent and pray. Sometimes, it just doesn’t seem enough.

Learn to not tie your faith to your emotions. Remember, intellect always precedes the will and so that means in this case that our faith cannot be built on the shifting sands of our emotions but rather on the solid ground of truth which we gain through understanding of the knowledge of God and the things of God.

It’s not that I believe these thoughts, it’s not that I want these thoughts, they just pop up. I wouldn’t even call them thoughts so much as ‘statements’ in my mind. They go beyond blasphemy, sometimes it’s outright heresy, it’s like satan attacks my mind directly.

Uninitiated thoughts are not a sin - it only becomes a sin if we entertain the thoughts and dwell on the commission of the thought. So, when spurious thoughts come in just let them go out as you fight against them. But know that such actions of the mind are not a sin.

Two nights ago, I had a nightmare about my salvation being irrevocably lost due to selling my soul, and now that’s been preying on my mind for two days. And then tonight, another stupid little statement. Now I’m worried my soul has been sold.

Dreams have no moral quality and little thoughts as you described also have no moral character.

but I can’t shake the feeling my mind is hopelessly corrupt. My worries run from the unforgivable sin, all the way to the aforementioned selling of the soul.

Spurious thoughts do not a sin make.

Then, on top of all of this, there’s the fear that I’ve gone beyond normal sin, I’m unsalvageable. Jesus died for the sins of the world, of course, but I’ve gone beyond that, it feels like.

Do not think that you a bigger sinner than God is a Savior.

It sounds to me that you are struggling with serious scrupulosity. My recommendation is to make an appointment with a priest that you trust and speak to him in confidence about these issues in depth and I am sure he will be able to help you out of this problem. My prayers are with you.

 

[baltobetsy]

The unbidden thoughts that pop into your head are a manifestation of OCD. I know someone well who suffers from OCD and is under the care of a fine psychiatrist. Recently this person had an increase in the unwanted thoughts that interfered with job performance. The doctor indicated that a medication adjustment was needed, and since that was done, there has been a great improvement.

All this is to encourage you very strongly to seek medical help. I mean the help of an M.D., not a psychologist. I have seen up close the huge difference that a good medication regimen can make with OCD.

Please see your doctor ASAP!!

And, as long as you do not consent to the terrible thoughts, there is no sin. From what you have written about how grieved you are to even type what happened, I can tell you do not consent.

Betsy

 

[tm30]

This happened to me several years ago and it never happened again. I do remember it was the worst week of my life. Horrible thoughts that I could not stop. It essentially caused me to have a nervous breakdown, but I survived it. You are being put through the fire, so remain strong. Unite this immense suffering with Christ on the cross, because He is purifyng you!

You’re not going crazy. Throw yourself entirely at the mercy of Christ, because He is closer to you than ever. If you can go to Adoration or just spend time in front of the tabernacle, do it.

Obviously you should go to a doctor, as well, but the testing of your faith is a gift not a curse. Stay strong!

 

[Daniel_Marsh]

Hi LP4H, you are in good company and as long as having these thoudhts bothers you thats great.

Paul writes,

Romans 7

21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. **24What a wretched man I am! **Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

Gal 5
16So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 17For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. 18But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
19The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Romans 12

1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Ephesians 5:18-20 (New International Version)
18Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

In short, seek out fellowship with fellow believers, study the sciptures, pray and praise God, read stories about the lives of the saints for inspiration, go to confession to get clean, ask God to fill you with the Holy Spirit, choose to strarve you sin nature on a daily baisis.

 

[LP4H]

You guys are awesome. You really are. Just reading your responses has eased my mind greatly. This will take some time, I know, but I will persevere to the end. God bless you all!

 

[Image_of_God]

You guys are awesome. You really are. Just reading your responses has eased my mind greatly. This will take some time, I know, but I will persevere to the end. God bless you all!

I have the same problem, in the sense that I feel greatly discouraged when they happen. I feel like I want to cry because I can’t control my own heart. Every time I try to praise the Lord with my mind it gets twisted into an insult. I am tired of them and just want them to go away. I know longer want anything to do with Satan and his wicked schemes!

 

[Siena]

The unforgiveable sin is the sin of dispair. Not just any dispair, but the dispair that ones sin(s) are more than even God could forgive. This was the sin of Judas.

Do not imagine anything you could do (willingly or not) is bigger than the mercy of God.

Get yourself a miraculous medal, have it blessed by a priest, and do not take it off.

 

[Kay_Cee]

Many saints have described going through experiences similar to yours. So don’t despair!

The same thing happened to me. Horrible thoughts would just pop into my head, seemingly out of nowhere. My way of combating it was to pray, that is, to cast out one thought with another. I would think, as emphatically as I could, “NO!”, then add, “Jesus, I love you” over and over and over until it stopped.

Now, if this is coming from Satan, he’s eventually going to give up if he sees what he’s doing only makes you pray harder.

However, I do agree that you should be checked by a doctor just in case this is OCD.

 

[mosher]

Remember that each person struggles with sin. However which sin we struggle most with is unique. People who struggle with the Fourth commandment in the same way feel the same way and the fifth and sixth etc. Constantly make use of the Sacraments and stay in a state of grace and the work of the Lord in building up good habits and virtue will bring consolation.

 

[LP4H]

I could, should, and probably will go see a doctor, I know I have OCD, though. The main point would be to get some medication, which isn’t a bad thing, mind you.

Thanks to all of you, things are going a little better. Not basing faith on emotions has helped. I’ve been battered by the soul selling thoughts today, but prayer has helped greatly (just keep telling myself that I belong to Christ, no matter what pops into my mind). While on the subject, would something like that even be possible? Frankly, the fear that I may have accidentally done something like that is beyond scary, even if the thoughts are unwanted (to say the least)? Don’t all souls belong to God, and he judges them accordingly when we die? I mean, even if someone tried to do that, and somehow succeeded, wouldn’t Jesus ‘swoop in’ and save them, if and when they came to their senses?

Reason I’m asking is because that ‘little statement’ the other night involved a girl at work I really like, but this constant fear that there’s some strings I may have accidentally attached keeps me from doing anything about it (and of course, spiritually and intellectually I want my soul to belong to no one but Jesus). The majority of bad thoughts today were in that vein, though a few were just stupid, especially one Friday night.

 

[Image_of_God]

I could, should, and probably will go see a doctor, I know I have OCD, though. The main point would be to get some medication, which isn’t a bad thing, mind you.

Thanks to all of you, things are going a little better. Not basing faith on emotions has helped. I’ve been battered by the soul selling thoughts today, but prayer has helped greatly (just keep telling myself that I belong to Christ, no matter what pops into my mind). While on the subject, would something like that even be possible? Frankly, the fear that I may have accidentally done something like that is beyond scary, even if the thoughts are unwanted (to say the least)? Don’t all souls belong to God, and he judges them accordingly when we die? I mean, even if someone tried to do that, and somehow succeeded, wouldn’t Jesus ‘swoop in’ and save them, if and when they came to their senses?

Reason I’m asking is because that ‘little statement’ the other night involved a girl at work I really like, but this constant fear that there’s some strings I may have accidentally attached keeps me from doing anything about it (and of course, spiritually and intellectually I want my soul to belong to no one but Jesus). The majority of bad thoughts today were in that vein, though a few were just stupid, especially one Friday night.

Pray the Divine Mercy. Ask God to protect you, that is what I do. At church today, when we did the sign of the cross, a few bad thoughts came into my head. But I will not be discouraged by them. Just make sure you do not become to lax about them.

 

[LP4H]

Anyone? That question has really been bothering me.

 

[mosher]

Anyone? That question has really been bothering me.

If a person were to possibly be able to sell ones soul it would have to be done in complete freedom and with full knowledge of the consquences of the sin. From what I hear from you so far I do not think that you are in a position to do so - if it is possible at all.

 

[Image_of_God]

NO one can sell their soul. It is a gift from God. The soul is priceless and cannot be sold. It is supernatural and cannot be sold to the devil.

To say that anyone could sell their soul is to say that the soul has a price. However it is clearly stated that everyone has freewill. Therefore one could not sell their soul because after selling it they would not have freewill and this is contradictory to God’s gift of freewill.

People can allow the devil to use them, but never to have them. Remember, the soul is NOT Satan’s property… it cannot permanantly be sold. We can give our soul but never actually irrevocably sell it.

 

[Ridgerunner]

If you have OCD, then that is a medical matter, and you need to see a psychiatrist about it.

But that does not answer the moral dimension of this; not really. I recall reading that some saints have suffered from the very same thing you are talking about. The proper direction, as I understand it, is to find a good, competent spiritual director. Your parish priest could help you find one. Then, you do exactly what he or she says. To the letter. You confess what your director says. You do what your director says. You do not do what your director says not to do. You entertain the thoughts your director approves and fight those your director says to fight. You ignore the “sins” your director says are not sins. You put your trust in your director, absolutely. In doing so, you are abandoning your will to God. Ultimately, you will be freed of these things. I understand this practice has been a great aid to many.

 

[LP4H]

Definitely a good idea to find a spiritual advisor.

I can’t say enough how much of a help all of you have been. I mean it. For the first time in quite awhile, I feel like I’m really winning. That’s not to say the thoughts have stopped, they haven’t, at least not yet. There were some bad ones today, but I repented, prayed, and gave thanks to God. Then I moved on with my day. My trust is in Jesus, no matter what garbage pops into my head. Yeah, the thoughts may be spurious, but there can never be too much prayer!

Will I always feel as good as I do right now? Don’t know, I’d like to think so, but there’s been times when I’ve felt great, then I’ve been slammed again. But, I know, there’s never hopelessness with Jesus. There’s never no way out.

I’m not trying to end this thread or anything, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you. God bless each and every one of you.

 

[shirleytowers]

All this stuff popping into your head isn’t really you thinking things, it’s like mental Tourette’s syndrome. At least that is what is sounds like to me. Sort of like a spastic thing. So, don’t feel guilty about it, you can’t control it, you can just pray and try to act and live as normally as you can.

If you had a friend who had Tourette’s, would you get angry at them blurting such things? They might be shocking, but the person isn’t responsible for them, so you can’t get mad really. Not at all!

My dear, how you must suffer. I am sure the Lord feels deepest sympathy and love for you. You must get some professional help. You didn’t say (that I saw) whether you are getting some mental health care for this. Are you seeing someone to help you with this?