P
peacefuldaisy
Guest
I am a 37 year old woman who recovered 2 yrs ago from breast cancer and I have struggled with anxiety and depression all of my life. In the last 10-15 years, this has led to numbness in my life and in my relationship with God. I also have dating/intimacy anxiety and only one short serious relationship in my life.
Last summer, I began noticing a man at work, we flirted a little which was really unusual for me and went out but after one date the anxiety overwhelmed me. One morning, at the end of November, I prayed that God would soften my heart towards Him. Within an hour of my prayer, this man, who is also Catholic, was at my desk inviting me to a Catholic faith renewal event in January. I realized that not only did I want to go but I wanted to get to know him. We started dating and quickly got very emotionally close. We seemed compatible in every way and had lots of chemistry. It seemed like all the pieces were in place for a serious relationship and possibly marriage. For the first time in my life, I was developing real feelings for someone. The day before our fifth date, I had my annual ob/gyn appt. I happened to ask about a small spot I had noticed that came and went earlier in the year. The doctor said he could not confirm it without a biopsy but he was suspicious that it is herpes. I was devastated. In my previous relationship, I made a mistake because I was at the beginning of my current problems/numbness with God. After our fifth date that night, I sent him an email. I was worried because I had noticed that he is a germaphobe with possibly OCD. I still hoped that it would be okay because I apparently have a very mild case with symptoms only once every few years. However, he responded that he could not continue dating me. I was so devastated and angry at God but I got this idea, I believed from God that maybe this was God’s way of slowing down our relationship. I had been planning on sleeping with him as soon as our relationship became serious. I promised God that if we ever got back together, I would not have premarital sex with him. I hoped that this was what God wanted- for us to be together but in a more holy way. Again, within the hour of my talk with God, I got an email from this man wanting to get together and talk. He said he could not bear not having me in his life but that STDs is one of his phobias. He said he was going to try to ride out his problem on his mountain bike because he did want to be with me. The rest of December and throughout January, I prayed nightly to God and novenas to St. Mary and St. Joseph, St. Jude and Blessed Anna Maria Taigi. He would go through long periods of time where it seemed like he was avoiding me but when we did see each other at work what I saw in his words and in his face, it seemed like he was in love with me. I continued to pray and often experienced encouraging signs when I despaired. One night I felt that God was telling me that my vocation was to be a wife and mother- things that I had never wanted before but now craved. The Catholic Renewal event was at the end of January and it turned out to be short and kind of standard. Nothing really stood out to me other than we sat close together and it felt intimate and loving. I thought maybe this was why God wanted me to come- maybe He wanted to use love to melt the numbness out of my life. However, this last week I was depressed, anxious, I was having terrible back and side pain. All along, I had been neglecting the rest of my life, I hadn’t been able to sleep, concentrate or think about anything else for weeks and I felt like I was coming apart mentally and physically so maybe it was impatient of me, maybe not God’s will but after another day of loving words & looks, I asked him if he wanted to hang out. He avoided my suggestion and later I also sent him an email telling him I’d developed serious feelings for him. The next day he completely ignored me. I sent him another emotional email with questions about his intentions to which his response was vague and dismissive. I suggested we stop flirting and his response was so enthusiastic that I finally couldn’t take it anymore and today I sent him an email asking for space and time off from our friendship. It feels final.
So here are my questions, why would God answer my original prayer through this man? Could it have been the devil? Would the devil be allowed to misguide, when God knows I’m lacking faith, that is the very thing I’m praying for?
Why do I feel like a life following Him is constant character-building tests of faith but no joy, no successes, nothing to balance them?
Because of my social anxiety, I rarely thought about dating and love. Why show me what I’ve been missing only to take it away?
God knew that I have herpes and that this man has a phobia towards it. Why would He bring us together and make us seem so perfect for each other only to have this happen?
What about all the encouraging signs? Were they referring to a future love? But then why, knowing I’m already fragile when it comes to dating and intimacy, why would He put me in a situation to completely destroy that part of me? How will I ever be able to open myself up again to date knowing all the marks against me? Was it me and not God putting ideas of holy marriage and parenthood in my heart?
What does it mean that God and this man are so intertwined in my heart? I so want to love both but it seems like neither wants me. They are both uncommunicative and they have both let me down. Both promised me a lot but seemingly didn’t follow through.
I prayed so much and put in dozens of prayer requests all over the internet to not be misguided or misled in this situation. Why would He finally split us only after I feel I’ve fallen in love with him?
Am I supposed to continue praying for us to be together? Because I don’t feel like praying at all anymore. I tried so hard to be faithful and to trust Him but now I feel more numb than before any of this happened.
Last summer, I began noticing a man at work, we flirted a little which was really unusual for me and went out but after one date the anxiety overwhelmed me. One morning, at the end of November, I prayed that God would soften my heart towards Him. Within an hour of my prayer, this man, who is also Catholic, was at my desk inviting me to a Catholic faith renewal event in January. I realized that not only did I want to go but I wanted to get to know him. We started dating and quickly got very emotionally close. We seemed compatible in every way and had lots of chemistry. It seemed like all the pieces were in place for a serious relationship and possibly marriage. For the first time in my life, I was developing real feelings for someone. The day before our fifth date, I had my annual ob/gyn appt. I happened to ask about a small spot I had noticed that came and went earlier in the year. The doctor said he could not confirm it without a biopsy but he was suspicious that it is herpes. I was devastated. In my previous relationship, I made a mistake because I was at the beginning of my current problems/numbness with God. After our fifth date that night, I sent him an email. I was worried because I had noticed that he is a germaphobe with possibly OCD. I still hoped that it would be okay because I apparently have a very mild case with symptoms only once every few years. However, he responded that he could not continue dating me. I was so devastated and angry at God but I got this idea, I believed from God that maybe this was God’s way of slowing down our relationship. I had been planning on sleeping with him as soon as our relationship became serious. I promised God that if we ever got back together, I would not have premarital sex with him. I hoped that this was what God wanted- for us to be together but in a more holy way. Again, within the hour of my talk with God, I got an email from this man wanting to get together and talk. He said he could not bear not having me in his life but that STDs is one of his phobias. He said he was going to try to ride out his problem on his mountain bike because he did want to be with me. The rest of December and throughout January, I prayed nightly to God and novenas to St. Mary and St. Joseph, St. Jude and Blessed Anna Maria Taigi. He would go through long periods of time where it seemed like he was avoiding me but when we did see each other at work what I saw in his words and in his face, it seemed like he was in love with me. I continued to pray and often experienced encouraging signs when I despaired. One night I felt that God was telling me that my vocation was to be a wife and mother- things that I had never wanted before but now craved. The Catholic Renewal event was at the end of January and it turned out to be short and kind of standard. Nothing really stood out to me other than we sat close together and it felt intimate and loving. I thought maybe this was why God wanted me to come- maybe He wanted to use love to melt the numbness out of my life. However, this last week I was depressed, anxious, I was having terrible back and side pain. All along, I had been neglecting the rest of my life, I hadn’t been able to sleep, concentrate or think about anything else for weeks and I felt like I was coming apart mentally and physically so maybe it was impatient of me, maybe not God’s will but after another day of loving words & looks, I asked him if he wanted to hang out. He avoided my suggestion and later I also sent him an email telling him I’d developed serious feelings for him. The next day he completely ignored me. I sent him another emotional email with questions about his intentions to which his response was vague and dismissive. I suggested we stop flirting and his response was so enthusiastic that I finally couldn’t take it anymore and today I sent him an email asking for space and time off from our friendship. It feels final.
So here are my questions, why would God answer my original prayer through this man? Could it have been the devil? Would the devil be allowed to misguide, when God knows I’m lacking faith, that is the very thing I’m praying for?
Why do I feel like a life following Him is constant character-building tests of faith but no joy, no successes, nothing to balance them?
Because of my social anxiety, I rarely thought about dating and love. Why show me what I’ve been missing only to take it away?
God knew that I have herpes and that this man has a phobia towards it. Why would He bring us together and make us seem so perfect for each other only to have this happen?
What about all the encouraging signs? Were they referring to a future love? But then why, knowing I’m already fragile when it comes to dating and intimacy, why would He put me in a situation to completely destroy that part of me? How will I ever be able to open myself up again to date knowing all the marks against me? Was it me and not God putting ideas of holy marriage and parenthood in my heart?
What does it mean that God and this man are so intertwined in my heart? I so want to love both but it seems like neither wants me. They are both uncommunicative and they have both let me down. Both promised me a lot but seemingly didn’t follow through.
I prayed so much and put in dozens of prayer requests all over the internet to not be misguided or misled in this situation. Why would He finally split us only after I feel I’ve fallen in love with him?
Am I supposed to continue praying for us to be together? Because I don’t feel like praying at all anymore. I tried so hard to be faithful and to trust Him but now I feel more numb than before any of this happened.
