Please help me in this situation

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Holly3278

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Hi everyone. I was talking to my boyfriend yesterday and he told me that the only thing he objects to about my Catholicism is that whenever I get home from Confession, he thinks I act all scared to say or do anything for fear that I am going to commit a mortal sin. He told me that sometimes after Confession, I just seem to be so up tight where I don’t laugh at his jokes (even the non-offensive ones) and such. And yes, I agree with him. After I go to Confession, I often am afraid of committing another mortal sin and so I am really careful about what I say and do.

This is a problem for me because it sometimes leads to my scrupulosity getting worse and also because it just totally turns Darrell off to Catholicism. How can I fix this problem?
 
Hello. It seems like you’re always going to confession.
I once experienced almost the same problem before.🙂
Perhaps, what you can do about your problem is to examine your conscience not only about what are the sins that you committed, but also how do you hear your conscience speaks. That could be your starting point in diagnosing and curing your spiritual problem. I’ll pray for you.
 
Semandreu said:
Hello. It seems like you’re always going to confession.
I once experienced almost the same problem before.🙂
Perhaps, what you can do about your problem is to examine your conscience not only about what are the sins that you committed, but also how do you hear your conscience speaks. That could be your starting point in diagnosing and curing your spiritual problem. I’ll pray for you.
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Thanks Semandreu. But I honestly don’t understand how that would be a starting point in curing my spiritual problem. Could you please explain?
 
It seems like God is alerting you in your conscience with respect perhaps to this boyfriend, who is the source of your becoming disquieted and anxious. We truly rely on God to “deliver us from evil” and trust the Holy Spirit to sensitize us when we are in an “occasion of sin” that may cause us to fall. Isn’t that what we pray in the confessional Act of Contrition? Resolving to avoid the occasions that trip us up? How resolute are you, when your boyfriend challenges you with his uncatholic thinking?

Maybe you could spend time with Our Lord asking him whether this gentleman is God’s highest and best for you, or whether your attraction has some unwillingness to let go of this relationship. We get emotionally attached fast, and convince ourselves with false hopes, such as …

  1. *]But he will some day change and become Catholic for me if I pray long and hard enough. (Ask the spouse of an addict whether wishing becomes reality.)
    *]If I ask my boyfriend to cherish me as St. Joseph did Mary, he will respect it.
    *]After we get married, he will change. (Usually things get worse, not better, when day-to-day living brings out our true character after familiarity sets in and the initial blush of romantic love wears thin.)
    *]He will support me in my faith. and be a good faith witness to our children.
    *]I believe he is the one God sent me to be a special partner to my eternal salvation.

    Serious stuff. You don’t mention it, but I have the feeling some of your boyfriend’s urgings regarding your scrupulosity are his discontent with your stand on chastity, as evidenced by his off-color jokes. You are right to be offended by them.

    Here’s a good meditation for you from St. Francis de Sales on friendship. Click the “next section” button at the bottom for the next two pages, for a thorough explanation.
 
Sirach2 said:
It seems like God is alerting you in your conscience with respect perhaps to this boyfriend, who is the source of your becoming disquieted and anxious. We truly rely on God to “deliver us from evil” and trust the Holy Spirit to sensitize us when we are in an “occasion of sin” that may cause us to fall. Isn’t that what we pray in the confessional Act of Contrition? Resolving to avoid the occasions that trip us up? How resolute are you, when your boyfriend challenges you with his uncatholic thinking?

Maybe you could spend time with Our Lord asking him whether this gentleman is God’s highest and best for you, or whether your attraction has some unwillingness to let go of this relationship. We get emotionally attached fast, and convince ourselves with false hopes, such as …

  1. *]But he will some day change and become Catholic for me if I pray long and hard enough. (Ask the spouse of an addict whether wishing becomes reality.)
    *]If I ask my boyfriend to cherish me as St. Joseph did Mary, he will respect it.
    *]After we get married, he will change. (Usually things get worse, not better, when day-to-day living brings out our true character after familiarity sets in and the initial blush of romantic love wears thin.)
    *]He will support me in my faith. and be a good faith witness to our children.
    *]I believe he is the one God sent me to be a special partner to my eternal salvation.

    Serious stuff. You don’t mention it, but I have the feeling some of your boyfriend’s urgings regarding your scrupulosity are his discontent with your stand on chastity, as evidenced by his off-color jokes. You are right to be offended by them.

    Here’s a good meditation for you from St. Francis de Sales on friendship. Click the “next section” button at the bottom for the next two pages, for a thorough explanation.
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  1. Well, to be honest, I have in the past (as recently as last night) tried to tell him that we need to go our separate ways but he refuses to do that. I don’t really want to separate paths with him but I do want to be able to continue to go to Confession and still hang out with him and stuff without him getting angry with me for “acting all scared” after having gone to Confession. Isn’t there a way to resolve this without me compromising my faith?

    Also, he refuses to quit being friends with me and go our separate paths for reasons that I am not 100% sure of. However, I think part of that reason is because he feels like I need him (and I do need his friendship as he is the only real friend I have and I really don’t want to quit being friends with him) and that he needs me. And in a way, this is true. We are both very supportive of each other and are always there for each other. He just simply has a problem with the way I act after I go to Confession. He seems to think that I act all different and stuff after I go to Confession and I do to a certain extent but I am not a completely different person when I go to Confession. I am just afraid of offending God more then. He seems to think that I go overboard on this fear of offending God and that it impacts our relationship in some way.

    I really don’t know what to do or think. I am definitely going to bring this up with a priest that I know sometime soon though and see what he thinks. Hopefully there is a way that I can resolve this issue without compromising my faith in any way.
 
Holly3278 said:
Hi everyone. I was talking to my boyfriend yesterday and he told me that the only thing he objects to about my Catholicism is that whenever I get home from Confession, he thinks I act all scared to say or do anything for fear that I am going to commit a mortal sin. He told me that sometimes after Confession, I just seem to be so up tight where I don’t laugh at his jokes (even the non-offensive ones) and such. And yes, I agree with him. After I go to Confession, I often am afraid of committing another mortal sin and so I am really careful about what I say and do.

This is a problem for me because it sometimes leads to my scrupulosity getting worse and also because it just totally turns Darrell off to Catholicism. How can I fix this problem?
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I believe Holly that you should pray very earnestly about this relationship.
From the above your boyfriend is apparently not a catholic and you say that at times he is turned off catholicism.Is that not already a danger sign for your faith?
I will pray for you.
 
odhiambo said:
I believe Holly that you should pray very earnestly about this relationship.
From the above your boyfriend is apparently not a catholic and you say that at times he is turned off catholicism.Is that not already a danger sign for your faith?
I will pray for you.
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Yes, I agree. My boyfriend is not Catholic and he is at times turned off by Catholicism. However, I don’t really see him as a danger to my faith. I mean, I can practice my faith well and still be with him. He actually tells me to stay Catholic all of the time. He just doesn’t like the way that I act after I go to Confession. I am wanting to find a solution to this without compromising my faith.
 
My first recommendation is always to talk to your priest about it. He would be in a better position to give you better advice than I can give.

I can offer a few general comments and you can decide whether or not they might apply to your situation and/or be helpful.

God can use all things to draw us closer to Him. Perhaps this observation of your boyfriend’s is indicative of a call for you to be more joyful after receiving the sacraments. Rather than commenting on your fear, your boyfriend should see a glow of complete joy and utter happiness after you receive Reconciliation. You have been freed from your sins! It is an awesome thing!

From his non-Catholic perspective, I can understand being a bit put-off when a Catholic does that “weird Catholic thing” by going to Confession and then seems to come out of it in worse shape than she went in.

Avail yourself of God’s mercy. He is not looking over your shoulder with pen in hand ready to write you up should you say or do something the least bit off. Be a woman of joy!

Of course, that’s easy to say, but much harder to do. This is where a good priest who knows you and your situation is invaluable, He can give you specific advice that will really help you to reach this goal.
 
However, I don’t really see him as a danger to my faith.
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You should. And he is.
I mean, I can practice my faith well and still be with him.
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No, you cannot. He is impeding your spiritual growth.
He just doesn’t like the way that I act after I go to Confession.
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A major flashing red warning sign. Loud sirens blaring.
I am wanting to find a solution to this without compromising my faith.
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Exit the relationship in its entirety.
Also, he refuses to quit being friends with me and go our separate paths for reasons that I am not 100% sure of.
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Possessive, and manipulative.
He seems to think that I go overboard on this fear of offending God and that it impacts our relationship in some way.
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Run away. And fast. He’s bad news.
 
He just doesn’t like the way that I act after I go to Confession. I am wanting to find a solution to this without compromising my faith.
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Perhaps the issue is sex, then? If he will not respect your desire to avoid sexual sin, and neither of you thinks marriage is on the plate, perhaps it is time to cut the strings? If you have to move in order to do this, then maybe you ought. If you have other friends, you need to seek their support.

I think you deserve a better man than him, a good Catholic man.
 
Joe_5859 said:
My first recommendation is always to talk to your priest about it. He would be in a better position to give you better advice than I can give.

I can offer a few general comments and you can decide whether or not they might apply to your situation and/or be helpful.

God can use all things to draw us closer to Him. Perhaps this observation of your boyfriend’s is indicative of a call for you to be more joyful after receiving the sacraments. Rather than commenting on your fear, your boyfriend should see a glow of complete joy and utter happiness after you receive Reconciliation. You have been freed from your sins! It is an awesome thing!

From his non-Catholic perspective, I can understand being a bit put-off when a Catholic does that “weird Catholic thing” by going to Confession and then seems to come out of it in worse shape than she went in.

Avail yourself of God’s mercy. He is not looking over your shoulder with pen in hand ready to write you up should you say or do something the least bit off. Be a woman of joy!

Of course, that’s easy to say, but much harder to do. This is where a good priest who knows you and your situation is invaluable, He can give you specific advice that will really help you to reach this goal.
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You know, I think you are right. I need to be more joyous after having gone to Confession. I am joyous after having gone to Confession but it doesn’t usually last very long before I begin feeling the urge to avoid anything and everything that might be even a venial sin and maybe not a sin at all. I tend to go from one extreme to the next and I think that perhaps that is what is bothering him but he just doesn’t really know how to tell me that in those words.
GerardMajella said:
You should. And he is.

No, you cannot. He is impeding your spiritual growth.

A major flashing red warning sign. Loud sirens blaring.

Exit the relationship in its entirety.

Possessive, and manipulative.

Run away. And fast. He’s bad news.
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You know, I totally understand what you are saying. But I think I already said that he refuses to end the friendship with me. I have tried to do so as recently as last night. So yeah, I am pretty much stuck with him. And honestly, I don’t mind him coming over and being my friend. I want his friendship most of the time. It is just that when he starts getting annoyed at me being devout that I sometimes want to make him just leave me alone and for us to go our separate ways.

I totally understand that some of you on here think I should just abandon my friendship with him but I can’t do that. So please, if all you have to suggest is for me to quit being his friend then don’t post because that is not a good solution to my problem.
LongJourney said:
Perhaps the issue is sex, then? If he will not respect your desire to avoid sexual sin, and neither of you thinks marriage is on the plate, perhaps it is time to cut the strings? If you have to move in order to do this, then maybe you ought. If you have other friends, you need to seek their support.

I think you deserve a better man than him, a good Catholic man.
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Well, I don’t think the issue is sex. I think his issue is that I always act very devout after I go to Confession and for some reason, that tends to get on his nerves. I don’t know if he thinks I am being “holier than thou” or what but I sure do wish I could end this problem without ending my friendship with him. Ending my friendship with him is simply not an option.
 
Is your boyfriend a committed Christian, fully devoted to keeping God’s word, loving His will, and encouraging you in your faith?

Only you can answer this, and as some suggested, it is really THAT important. We ought never to be unequally yoked, especially not in a man/woman close friendship. Trying to break up and not being allowed to do so? What? :eek:
 
Sirach2 said:
Is your boyfriend a committed Christian, fully devoted to keeping God’s word, loving His will, and encouraging you in your faith?

Only you can answer this, and as some suggested, it is really THAT important. We ought never to be unequally yoked, especially not in a man/woman close friendship. Trying to break up and not being allowed to do so? What? :eek:
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Well, he is a liberal Christian (not baptized though) but he has a lot of unorthodox beliefs. Like he thinks that God is fine with homosexual “marriage” and abortion.

And yes, I tried telling him that we should go our separate paths but he refuses to do that.
 
But I think I already said that he refuses to end the friendship with me. I have tried to do so as recently as last night.
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Manipulative. He needs to respect your wishes. No means no.
Holly, this indicates just how unhealthy your friendship with him is he refuses to respect your wishes to distance yourself from him and you allow him this refusal.
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Sound analysis.
Like he thinks that God is fine with homosexual “marriage” and abortion.
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Not compatible. Time to move on.
I totally understand that some of you on here think I should just abandon my friendship with him but I can’t do that.
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You’re enabling him to continue his negative behavior. Ball is in your court.
 
Holly, my heart bleeds for you because I know what it is like to not have any friends so to avoid loneliness the only method is too keep an unhealthy boyfriend around.

And yes, if you do cut the strings, it will be painful for months. But trust me, after you wheather the storm, the loneliness will not be half as bad as having a boyfriend tear you away from your faith.

The main reason my heart bleeds for you is the underlying tone in your voice. You are always asking what YOU can do. You are implying it is 100% up to you to fix this. Nothing is further from the truth. The only way to fix a relationship is for BOTH parties to do 50% and it sounds like your boyfriend isn’t will to do anything. For example, if he really doesn’t like how you act after confession, why didn’t he say 'I find it hard to be around you after confession. Perhaps you can tell me in advance when you plan on going and we can plan to spend time apart for the next 2 days after that. This way you get to be yourself and he doesn’t have to be annoyed. Instead he wants it on his schedule and you to give up confession.

The other reason my heart bleeds for you is he obviously has you brainwashed into thinking you must 100% of the time listend to him. When a girl says ‘I want to go my seperate way’ NO man can order her to stay in the friendship. YOU ARE FREE TO LEAVE

Please Holly, see yourself for the wonderful child of God that you are and believe you deserve respect

CM
 
cmscms said:
Holly, my heart bleeds for you because I know what it is like to not have any friends so to avoid loneliness the only method is too keep an unhealthy boyfriend around.

And yes, if you do cut the strings, it will be painful for months. But trust me, after you wheather the storm, the loneliness will not be half as bad as having a boyfriend tear you away from your faith.

The main reason my heart bleeds for you is the underlying tone in your voice. You are always asking what YOU can do. You are implying it is 100% up to you to fix this. Nothing is further from the truth. The only way to fix a relationship is for BOTH parties to do 50% and it sounds like your boyfriend isn’t will to do anything. For example, if he really doesn’t like how you act after confession, why didn’t he say 'I find it hard to be around you after confession. Perhaps you can tell me in advance when you plan on going and we can plan to spend time apart for the next 2 days after that. This way you get to be yourself and he doesn’t have to be annoyed. Instead he wants it on his schedule and you to give up confession.

The other reason my heart bleeds for you is he obviously has you brainwashed into thinking you must 100% of the time listend to him. When a girl says ‘I want to go my seperate way’ NO man can order her to stay in the friendship. YOU ARE FREE TO LEAVE

Please Holly, see yourself for the wonderful child of God that you are and believe you deserve respect

CM
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Well, in all honesty, he has made an effort to remedy this problem as well. Like the other day he told me to let him know when I am going to Confession and then he’ll just wait a day or so before coming over again so that I have calmed down and relaxed some.

See, I get really scrupulous after having gone to Confession. I actually feel after I go to Confession that I must try very hard to avoid every single sin there is, even if it is a venial sin and sometimes it is not a sin at all. So yeah, I go from one phase to another where I am just super hardcore Catholic. That is what he doesn’t like.
 
FCEGM said:
Holly, this indicates just how unhealthy your friendship with him is he refuses to respect your wishes to distance yourself from him and you allow him this refusal.
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Well, I think he refuses to do it because he knows that I’d end up regretting it in a few days and I know I would end up regretting it too. So he is basically just trying to get me to avoid causing us both unwanted hurt.

As I said before, he is fine with me being Catholic. It’s just that I change so dramatically after having gone to Confession that he has a hard time adjusting to the new me.
 
Holly3278 said:
Well, I think he refuses to do it because he knows that I’d end up regretting it in a few days and I know I would end up regretting it too. So he is basically just trying to get me to avoid causing us both unwanted hurt.

As I said before, he is fine with me being Catholic. It’s just that I change so dramatically after having gone to Confession that he has a hard time adjusting to the new me.
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Well…I know I’m always very contimplative after confession…and I don’t feel at laughing at my husbands jokes. My husband gives me my space and time afterwards. Someday maybe he will understand…when he goes to confession.

Honestly…what would happened if you were married? Why should you change how you feel after confession…it’s a very solumn occasion…we met Christ in the confessional. If he can’t understand that…move on…it might be hard but you don’t need someone who is jealous of your relationship with Christ.
 
The Lord is all we have.
In Him we trust.
In Him we hope.
Amen.
 
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