Please help me understand my husband

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barboza21

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My husband and I have been having lots of issues this past year.
We live in Mexico together but I am currently in Texas with my parents. We have a 2.5 year old son and a baby. We lived off of a small grocery store in Mexico. My husband told me he was having trouble with the store but he waited till last minute to let me know its not just trouble but the store is gone. he has nothing on the shelves but maybe a few bags of soap and some detergent and maybe 10 bags of chips. (Our store had everything. Drinks, chips, cookies, milk, cheese, produce, candy, canned goods, soaps, shampoos, everything.) We used to live completely off of this store. and he ran it down into the ground in the month and a half that I have been here. He claims he lost the money from a weekend’s sale. which would be roughly 500 dollars. but the store had maybe 2500 dollars in inventory. He also says the truck messed up quite a few times and he had to fix it. (which I told him if it messed up, dont fix it. the truck isnt important.) We used to hava a small 4 cyllinder pickup truck. Perfect for us. He decided one day that he needed a better truck. I fought with him and told him NO. He said YES. he borrowed abour 300 dollars from someone and traded our truck in for an 8 cyllinder big truck. He has never wanted to let me know who he borrowed money from and whether he still owes them or not.

It seems to me my husband makes bad decisions. We used to live in Texas too but ever since we got to Mexico, I feel he has changed. I tell him this and he says no. He says I always think I am in the right and that is our problem: me.
He is not Catholic, though he married me in the church and wants our children baptized and encourages me to go to mass but he wont go with me. (he started to go with me every now and then before we left the states but not anymore, since we got to mexico)

The reason why we moved was because he wanted a change of life. I agreed. We do like life in MExico but it seems it has changed him. (I wonder if I have changed… but I really dont think I have)

Now, there are days he tells me he hasnt eaten. He has no job, though has been looking. But I cant help but think he isnt trying hard enough. he was a very hardworking man here in the states, so I find it confusing that he cant find anything to at least feed himself.
How can I go home if he cant provide for us? I wish he would work and make sure things were stable for us to go back. But he doesnt seem to be too worried.

Sometimes I feel he doesnt care for us the way he should. But this isnt the way he was before. I know he does love us, but it feels different.

Maybe its sort of like a crisis or something weird???

I feel like I cant trust him to take care of us.

I appreciate any prayers or advice. Anything. I just dont know what to think sometimes. I want to go back to him and work on our marriage, but… he needs to work on it too by getting a job. Am i wrong??
 
It doesn’t sound like there’s anything to go back to.

If he has the correct paperwork to return to the US, I’d tell him to sell the truck and come back to the US.

I suspect that he’s having some sort of mental breakdown and that you’ll have much better resources available to deal with it if you can just get him back to the US and to see a psychiatrist. It sounds like he’s had a very sudden deterioration in his ability to function.

If he won’t come, I would suggest leaving your babies with your family and taking a relative that he gets on well with to retrieve him from Mexico. Obviously, you can’t force him to come with you, but I’d give yourself a week to persuade him. If that doesn’t work, return to the US. You’d know better than me, but it strikes me that Mexico with no money and a husband in some sort of mental health crisis is probably pretty rough–you do not want to move your babies into that situation.

Best wishes!
 
It sounds like you are where you need to be. I think your husband is “selling you” a bill of goods and is out for his own desires. When someone starts loosing jobs, money and property, as well as lying and doing things behind their spouses back, something is really wrong. As one poster suggested there may be nothing to go back too.

I would have to tell him to #1. get a job and keep it for at least a year before I would even think of having him come back to me. 2. When he did come back from Mexico he had better be able to rent an apartment or house for us to move into and if he could not do this he better expect me to file for a divorce or annulment.

From what you said here I actually think he has flown the coop and could care less about your future. Sorry, but that is what it sounds like. I have seen it happen too far to many women including my own sister.
 
In addition to the above, I wonder if he is suffering from depression also?
 
If the only issue is that he ls he lost the store and is bad with financial decisions, imho, I think this is fixable. He may have been embarrassed to let you know how serious it was.
People lose businesses everyday, everywhere. If he is having difficulty finding work-what about you?

He can stay with the baby until he finds something solid, and you can work in the meantime. You can make the financial decisions or make them jointly.

Marriage means you are to take care of eachother. Not exclusively his job to do this in tough times.
 
mommy_k said:
If the only issue is that he ls he lost the store and is bad with financial decisions, imho, I think this is fixable. He may have been embarrassed to let you know how serious it was.
People lose businesses everyday, everywhere. If he is having difficulty finding work-what about you?

He can stay with the baby until he finds something solid, and you can work in the meantime. You can make the financial decisions or make them jointly.

Marriage means you are to take care of eachother. Not exclusively his job to do this in tough times.
Click to expand...
To lose a business in the course of a month, though? And after having bought a truck against his wife’s wishes, borrowing who knows how much money from persons unknown? The OP’s husband sounds like he’s in some kind of freefall.

I would not leave him with the kids in his current state, until it’s very clear that his head is screwed on right.
 
I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. I am having some marriage problems of my own because my husband is bipolar. A lot of what you said about your husband sounds like he could also be bipolar. When a person is in a manic episode, they can make very risky decisions financially, morally, and generally speaking. Manic people frequently spend excess money, are impulsive and make life-changing decisions in what seems like the blink of an eye. Another poster said he could be depressed, and this would be the other side of bipolar disorder. I could be wrong, but that’s just what struck me.

My husband, currently manic and unmedicated, is like a completely different person. In February, we went to our daughter’s first Reconciliation, and we all went received Reconciliation. The next day, he was holding me and telling me what a wonderful wife and mother I am. In March, things were fine until the end of the month. By the beginning of April, he was irritable, agitated and very unhappy. On April 19 (Good Friday), he told me he was leaving me and wanted a divorce. He started having an affair (first emotional affair, then turned physical) with a woman at the same time he was getting manic and acting mean towards me. He quit his job, turned down the new job that he was offered and really wanted, and now got a job in a city 4 hours from our home, but close to where the other woman lives. He has completely emotionally detached from me, and is now doing this with our daughter. He is spending money we don’t have, got an apartment when we can barely pay our mortgage, is not helping me with the bills and has just completely “checked out” of his responsibilities and has abandoned the people who love him most, and whom he usually loves most. It is a nightmare.

I know that your situation is different, but mania can have triggers such as stress, different climates, different seasons and time zones. It’s something to consider. One thing that I have read a lot on bipolar forums is that when someone finally comes down from their mania, they usually have terrible guilt and regret over what they have done while manic. Mania, untreated, can last one week to years, with the average being around 3-4 months. I will be praying for you as I pray for my own husband and marriage.

Blessings.
 
LauraTeresa,

I hope you’re getting a legal separation soon, if just to limit the financial damage to you and and to ensure that he contributes financially to the care of your child.

It’s so sad.
 
Do you think your husband could be involved in drugs? If he is, you need to do whatever is necessary to protect your children and yourself.
 
bitterhope said:
Do you think your husband could be involved in drugs? If he is, you need to do whatever is necessary to protect your children and yourself.
Click to expand...
That is a good question. I was also thinking, maybe gambling addiction? Of course, a bipolar episode could lead to either of those things (or both) plus weird spending (the new truck), so it’s not really either/or.

Something definitely is going on that made the store stock disappear and him act weird.

I would not go back alone to figure out what’s going on, and I would definitely not take the kids. Even going back to figure out the situation with backup is definitely risky. With two tiny little kids who need their mom, there’s definitely a case to be made for just asking him if he wants a plane ticket to the US and not taking the risk of going back to Mexico.

Best wishes!
 
Yes, my husband is from Mexico and all my in laws live down there in various locations. It would not, unfortunately, be unheard of for drugs to be involved. The loan and the store stock disappearing point towards that for me, especially with it being in Mexico. Certain states make this more likely, but it is so widespread now that we are not able to visit his family currently (last time was 6+ years ago). And his parents live in a safe location, but getting there is not so safe. Not knowing exactly where her husband is or the reasons behind their move I can’t be certain, but I have seen first hand the way people that who get involved with drugs down there behave. It’s especially bad if he is in an area where the cartels are in control (like Michoacan) because they are the law in some places.

Please be extremely cautious if you think drugs could be a possibility. Families can suffer the consequences down there for the addicts stupid decisions.
 
Since you are living with your parents right now, do they offer any advise? If you tell them the severity of the situation they might be able to help you.
Like a previous poster said, if your husband is permitted to enter the country, I think being together is the best option. Doesn’t sound like there’s anything for you in Mexico. Also, you need a support system. You have to be near people who love and support you.
 
Xantippe said:
It doesn’t sound like there’s anything to go back to.

If he has the correct paperwork to return to the US, I’d tell him to sell the truck and come back to the US.

I suspect that he’s having some sort of mental breakdown and that you’ll have much better resources available to deal with it if you can just get him back to the US and to see a psychiatrist. It sounds like he’s had a very sudden deterioration in his ability to function.

If he won’t come, I would suggest leaving your babies with your family and taking a relative that he gets on well with to retrieve him from Mexico. Obviously, you can’t force him to come with you, but I’d give yourself a week to persuade him. If that doesn’t work, return to the US. You’d know better than me, but it strikes me that Mexico with no money and a husband in some sort of mental health crisis is probably pretty rough–you do not want to move your babies into that situation.

Best wishes!
Click to expand...
He can not come back into the states. He is not a resident or citizen.
 
Cricket2 said:
It sounds like you are where you need to be. I think your husband is “selling you” a bill of goods and is out for his own desires. When someone starts loosing jobs, money and property, as well as lying and doing things behind their spouses back, something is really wrong. As one poster suggested there may be nothing to go back too.

I would have to tell him to #1. get a job and keep it for at least a year before I would even think of having him come back to me. 2. When he did come back from Mexico he had better be able to rent an apartment or house for us to move into and if he could not do this he better expect me to file for a divorce or annulment.

From what you said here I actually think he has flown the coop and could care less about your future. Sorry, but that is what it sounds like. I have seen it happen too far to many women including my own sister.
Click to expand...
I understand. I just feel I can’t give up on my husband. Or my marriage. I don’t feel its right. I pray everyday for my husband and his conversion.
 
mommy_k said:
If the only issue is that he ls he lost the store and is bad with financial decisions, imho, I think this is fixable. He may have been embarrassed to let you know how serious it was.
People lose businesses everyday, everywhere. If he is having difficulty finding work-what about you?

He can stay with the baby until he finds something solid, and you can work in the meantime. You can make the financial decisions or make them jointly.

Marriage means you are to take care of eachother. Not exclusively his job to do this in tough times.
Click to expand...
I am afraid he would like that idea too much for our own good. I fear he would rather I work and him stay home. He wouldn’t cook… We have many neighbors in mexico whose husbands are home and wives work. But the husbands don’t even take care of the kids. The wife’s mother in laws are the ones taking care of the kids.
 
LauraTeresa said:
I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. I am having some marriage problems of my own because my husband is bipolar. A lot of what you said about your husband sounds like he could also be bipolar. When a person is in a manic episode, they can make very risky decisions financially, morally, and generally speaking. Manic people frequently spend excess money, are impulsive and make life-changing decisions in what seems like the blink of an eye. Another poster said he could be depressed, and this would be the other side of bipolar disorder. I could be wrong, but that’s just what struck me.

My husband, currently manic and unmedicated, is like a completely different person. In February, we went to our daughter’s first Reconciliation, and we all went received Reconciliation. The next day, he was holding me and telling me what a wonderful wife and mother I am. In March, things were fine until the end of the month. By the beginning of April, he was irritable, agitated and very unhappy. On April 19 (Good Friday), he told me he was leaving me and wanted a divorce. He started having an affair (first emotional affair, then turned physical) with a woman at the same time he was getting manic and acting mean towards me. He quit his job, turned down the new job that he was offered and really wanted, and now got a job in a city 4 hours from our home, but close to where the other woman lives. He has completely emotionally detached from me, and is now doing this with our daughter. He is spending money we don’t have, got an apartment when we can barely pay our mortgage, is not helping me with the bills and has just completely “checked out” of his responsibilities and has abandoned the people who love him most, and whom he usually loves most. It is a nightmare.

I know that your situation is different, but mania can have triggers such as stress, different climates, different seasons and time zones. It’s something to consider. One thing that I have read a lot on bipolar forums is that when someone finally comes down from their mania, they usually have terrible guilt and regret over what they have done while manic. Mania, untreated, can last one week to years, with the average being around 3-4 months. I will be praying for you as I pray for my own husband and marriage.

Blessings.
Click to expand...
My husband does seem to be bipolar at times. He also has anger management problems. He is easy to get angry after being completely happy. I will look into this. Thank you.
And I am so so sorry you are having problems with your husband . I will pray for you .
 
bitterhope said:
Do you think your husband could be involved in drugs? If he is, you need to do whatever is necessary to protect your children and yourself.
Click to expand...
I caught him before once doing drugs and he confessed to have done it a few times. Since, I hadnt suspected any more. But since I am not with him right now, I guess he could. 😦
 
Xantippe said:
That is a good question. I was also thinking, maybe gambling addiction? Of course, a bipolar episode could lead to either of those things (or both) plus weird spending (the new truck), so it’s not really either/or.

Something definitely is going on that made the store stock disappear and him act weird.

I would not go back alone to figure out what’s going on, and I would definitely not take the kids. Even going back to figure out the situation with backup is definitely risky. With two tiny little kids who need their mom, there’s definitely a case to be made for just asking him if he wants a plane ticket to the US and not taking the risk of going back to Mexico.

Best wishes!
Click to expand...
I know he has anger management problems, could be from the times he used drugs or from drinking. He did drink a lot while I was thre. He would never get drunk, but he would drink a lot.

He cant come back to the states, he was here illegally before.
 
bitterhope said:
Yes, my husband is from Mexico and all my in laws live down there in various locations. It would not, unfortunately, be unheard of for drugs to be involved. The loan and the store stock disappearing point towards that for me, especially with it being in Mexico. Certain states make this more likely, but it is so widespread now that we are not able to visit his family currently (last time was 6+ years ago). And his parents live in a safe location, but getting there is not so safe. Not knowing exactly where her husband is or the reasons behind their move I can’t be certain, but I have seen first hand the way people that who get involved with drugs down there behave. It’s especially bad if he is in an area where the cartels are in control (like Michoacan) because they are the law in some places.

Please be extremely cautious if you think drugs could be a possibility. Families can suffer the consequences down there for the addicts stupid decisions.
Click to expand...
He is in Durango.
 
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