Please help me understand my husband

[barboza21]

I am going to ask a question, why are you separated in the first place? I tried searching, it is possible that you went to Texas to have your baby?

I believe that you belong with your husband. Unless he is abusive or on drugs of course. So far, you have described him as out of work and not eating. Well, go and help him! You are his wife, that is what you are supposed to do. You seem upset that he cannot provide for you so you are doing what, keeping his children from him because he can’t find a job? I don’t think that is the moral thing to do. I think he has a right to see his children and be a father, I don’t think it is fair for you to hold his children hostage until he finds a job. You need to find a way, SOME way to keep your family together, not just sit back and wait for him to “provide.”

Again, if he is using drugs or mixed up in something like that then I change my advice. However you have been together for six years and have no evidence that he is a drug user. Perhaps he is depressed, lost his business and his wife and children are living in another country, that would make a lot of people act different.

I actually did come to Texas to have my baby. I had a miscarriage scare early and wanted to have a vaginal birth after my first was delivered via emergency csection. Doctors in Mexico only wanted to do csection. I think I also on some level wanted to come because I felt we needed that. I was falling into a bad depression over there dealing with stress and my husband’s anger management problems… and bedrest due to miscarriage scare had a lot to do with me being depressed. and I think maybe I felt some distance between us could help us both think more clearly about our relationship problems. Mostly, for me to think about how to handle the way my husband acts or the bad decisions I feel he makes.

He is not abusive. I am unsure if he is doing drugs.

I am not holding his children hostage. I cry every day just thinking about how he hasnt met our baby boy. I cry because I long to be next to my husband but I fear that would be a bad decision for our kids and I. If I could, I would go down there without the kids to try to fix the situation. I dont have the money to do that.
His family lives in another state and my sister in law doesnt want me to tell his parents because she doesnt want them to worry or be stressed. I feel he needs an intervention. Maybe that would do something.

 

[barboza21]

Since you are living with your parents right now, do they offer any advise? If you tell them the severity of the situation they might be able to help you.
Like a previous poster said, if your husband is permitted to enter the country, I think being together is the best option. Doesn’t sound like there’s anything for you in Mexico. Also, you need a support system. You have to be near people who love and support you.

My parents know about the situation. My dad is angry at my husband. He has told me to count on him, so I do have support. IT breaks my heart to feel like I am letting my dad down because of how my husband has turned out.
My dad says its up to me what I want to do. He has suggested I not go back unless he absolutely changes but he says he doubts he will. He thinks my husband might ‘change’ for a little while and once we are back together he will fall right back into how he has been lately. He also said maybe if we are living very humbly (poor) where he wont have money to drink or smoke or have the ability to buy drugs, he might be okay. but he says maybe if we have a more comfortable lifestyle where he can afford that stuff he’ll be the same as now and continue with his bad decisions.
Does that make sense? Sorry so confusing.

 

[barboza21]

I am praying constantly because I feel I am close to breaking apart.

I just keep wondering what it is that God wants from me at this point.

I have thought maybe this is something that will help us in some way. Maybe all this suffering is meant to bring me closer to Him, and perhaps my husband might also hit his breaking point down there and take a turn in his life and start heading towards his conversion?

1 Cor. 7: 14 - For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
16 - How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

Am I dreaming?

 

[Xantippe]

The logistics sound very difficult. Maybe just keep in touch? Don’t send him money, obviously.

If things improve financially on your end, you could attempt a visit–if you thought it was wise.

I think his parents deserve to know the situation (if they are good, reasonable people), because he may be leaning on them for money if he has a drug problem and/or debt to scary people.

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

God bless you.

With all Christian Charity, you ARE holding his children “hostage.” You are refusing to let him see his children, and he has not met his newborn son. You have made criteria that he will not see them unless he finds a job with no time limit. I am sorry but that is the definition of holding children hostage, forgive me but in my opinion (and with all kindness) it is.

God bless you I do have sympathy for you, dear one if this man is a drug dealer and you need to get a divorce and seek annulment, then so-be-it! You should not have your children in a toxic and drug dealer or drug user environment. Unfortunately it seems you are guessing, and you can’t base an important life decision like that on a “guess.” You say he is depressed and not eating? In large part that could be because his wife and children have left him. I don’t know what the job market is where he lives either.

I think, bottom line you need to make a decision about your marriage and that important decision needs to be based on facts. You need to somehow find out if he is using drugs or if he is involved in anything illegal. You can’t have your children around him if he is, that is unfair to your children. Conversely, you can’t morally keep your children from him if he is doing nothing immoral, right how you are guessing which, isn’t entirely fair. You have left him and are now on this internet site asking us to “please help you understand my husband.” Someone we don’t know or probably ever will know.

It may be time to ask someone else to check in on him, or go and visit yourself. Somehow you **have **to find out and make a decision from there. You mentioned that you separated thinking it would be good for your marriage. In my experience, separation is never really good for a marriage, unless the spouse is abusive and you claim he is not.

Very confusing, but I am praying for you, I am so sorry you are going through this.

Monicad, the OP has said that she doesn’t have the money to travel back to Mexico even just by herself to figure out the situation. Going back with two tiny kids is obviously not an option if she can’t afford to go just by herself. Look at the map of Mexico–Durango is way, way, way far away from Texas.

The OP is a mom with two tiny kids living with her parents and her husband has no visible means of support–how is she supposed to come up with the money to go back to him without borrowing it? That’s an unreasonable expectation. She doesn’t have the money to go, so she should stay where she is. If the money appears for the trip (either through her resources or him earning some money), she can consider it, but at the moment, she’s not doing anything wrong by staying right where she is and taking care of their kids.

If he’s not eating, it could be very well because he’s got a serious drug habit and/or serious mental health problems and/or because he’s trying to get money out of the OP to spend on more drugs.

Also, if I’m understanding correctly, the OP had a high risk pregnancy with bedrest and returned to the US to deliver her baby because she wouldn’t be able to do a VBAC in Mexico. That sounds not at all unreasonable–she did not simply leave Mexico to leave him.

You’re normally a very compassionate person, but I think you’re being too hard on the OP, given the various difficulties of her situation (financial, bureaucratic, and geographic). It’s a genuinely difficult situation, given the OP’s current resources.

Come to think of it–much as I hate to say this to the mother of a toddler and an infant, I think that achieving financial independence should be one of the OP’s goals for the next 2-3 years. Once you have money of your own, you’ll have more options.

 

[Xantippe]

Let’s say the OP scrapes together just enough money to return to her husband in Mexico with the babies and the clothes on their backs.

Let’s say, furthermore, that the OP’s husband has a drug habit, owes bad people money, and has been telling them, I don’t have money now, but my wife is going to come back with money soon. What happens when she returns with not a dime and says she has nothing to pay them? Nothing good, that’s what.

 

[barboza21]

I think his parents deserve to know the situation (if they are good, reasonable people), because he may be leaning on them for money if he has a drug problem and/or debt to scary people.

Best wishes!

It may be time to ask someone else to check in on him, or go and visit yourself. Somehow you **have **to find out and make a decision from there. You mentioned that you separated thinking it would be good for your marriage. In my experience, separation is never really good for a marriage, unless the spouse is abusive and you claim he is not.

Very confusing, but I am praying for you, I am so sorry you are going through this.
thank you for your prayers. I will probably talk to his parents. They are much closer than I am right now. and since they are senior citizens, their bus tickets are almost half price. My husband will not like them knowing but I think it needs to be done.

If he’s not eating, it could be very well because he’s got a serious drug habit and/or serious mental health problems and/or because he’s trying to get money out of the OP to spend on more drugs.

Also, if I’m understanding correctly, the OP had a high risk pregnancy with bedrest and returned to the US to deliver her baby because she wouldn’t be able to do a VBAC in Mexico. That sounds not at all unreasonable–she did not simply leave Mexico to leave him.

You’re normally a very compassionate person, but I think you’re being too hard on the OP, given the various difficulties of her situation (financial, bureaucratic, and geographic). It’s a genuinely difficult situation, given the OP’s current resources.

Come to think of it–much as I hate to say this to the mother of a toddler and an infant, I think that achieving financial independence should be one of the OP’s goals for the next 2-3 years. Once you have money of your own, you’ll have more options.

The reason he’s not eating is because he doesnt have the money for it. He keeps trying to sell our TVs and stereos and such… I tell him just find a job and he says hes trying but he doesnt actually leave the house. He says he cant because he doesnt have gasoline money. I tell him to take the bicycle (like everyone else does there in Durango-and like I have done while down there) but he gets mad and says he doesnt like the bicycle… he seems to be too proud.

My dad even mentioned yesterday I could stay here and get a job and maybe even finish school… but of course that means me deciding to stay here and leaving my husband. I dont necessarily feel that is very wise. I feel I need to keep fighting for our marriage? Or what do I do?
I looked up bipolar disorder and he seems to have most of the symptoms. I am no doctor though.
If he is bipolar, I dont know how to help him. theres no help for that in Durango. and we have no money for doctors or whatever. Plus, my husband would never agree that he has some sort of problem.
Intervention sounds good but his family wouldnt go down there. only his mother maybe.

Let’s say the OP scrapes together just enough money to return to her husband in Mexico with the babies and the clothes on their backs.

Let’s say, furthermore, that the OP’s husband has a drug habit, owes bad people money, and has been telling them, I don’t have money now, but my wife is going to come back with money soon. What happens when she returns with not a dime and says she has nothing to pay them? Nothing good, that’s what.

The money he owes, as far as he has told me, is not much. 500 pesos here and 300 there. (close to 80 dollars total) BUT the economy is SOO bad down there especially these months and my husband is not good with expenses and handling money and with no job, he cant pay that small amount.

I’ve told him many times to try looking for a job at the farmers market. That to me seems to be the place where he could find something (especially because he knows people there from when we bought our produce for the store). BUT he wont. He tells me, ‘O ill see if I go… maybe’ It seems to me he doesn’t think that job is good enough for him. He wants a good paying job(who doesn’t) but i’ve told him just find anything for right now so you can feed yourself, and later on find something better. He barely agrees with me then I ask the next day if he went out to find something and he says no.
Do I keep patiently waiting?

 

[barboza21]

God bless you.

You know I really struggled with telling the original poster that it was wrong to keep her husband from her children. However I kept putting myself in the position of the father and wonder what the advice would be if he posted here. Especially because it seems this situation is not a temporary one but beginning to look permanent.

Keeping a father from his children is an extremely serious thing to do, I am sorry but that really hits a nerve with me. Especially without any evidence of abuse. The original poster says he is not abusive so I will take her at her word. Suggestions that he is involved with drugs are pure conjecture or because he lives in Mexico, drugs are prevalent there and he has used drugs a few times in the past.

If she cannot meet him now because of finances, understandable. However I believe morally she needs to either plan to save money for all of them to visit him, to borrow money to visit him or she can meet him somewhere or to plan and investigate SOMEHOW how things are going with him.

She is the one who decided to leave and to remain gone, so she does bear some responsibility to do all she can to get this family back together. I cringe to think that any parent could take children away and keep them away like that. He could very well be lazy or have problems but nothing so far indicates to me that he should have lost his children 100%. That should only happen to people who have their parental rights terminated by a court of law (just my two cents.)

I have much sympathy for the original poster and all involved here. I just cannot take her side only, perhaps the situation hit a nerve in me I hope I have conveyed my thoughts charitably. God bless.

My plan and my husband’s too was for me to come, have the baby, and leave as soon as I was able to. That’s what I wanted and still do. but my husband has proved to be irresponsible and has made bad choices and he is telling me its not his fault (about the store being gone) and he doesnt regret buying the truck… He says he doesnt see he is doing anything wrong.
My husband is more than capable of finding a job. That’s the kind of person he is. He was such a hardworking man here. He has changed in many ways. He seems to have become lazy. I just want him to have a job so we can eat. I dont mind being poor. I am afraid he is not caring.
While I was there I tried helping him, tried talking to him, advised him to speak to someone beacuse of his anger managemnet and constant drinking (though he wouldn’t get ‘drunk’). He always said no… and I was falling into depression.

 

[Xantippe]

God bless you.

You know I really struggled with telling the original poster that it was wrong to keep her husband from her children. However I kept putting myself in the position of the father and wonder what the advice would be if he posted here. Especially because it seems this situation is not a temporary one but beginning to look permanent.

Keeping a father from his children is an extremely serious thing to do, I am sorry but that really hits a nerve with me. Especially without any evidence of abuse. The original poster says he is not abusive so I will take her at her word. Suggestions that he is involved with drugs are pure conjecture or because he lives in Mexico, drugs are prevalent there and he has used drugs a few times in the past.

If she cannot meet him now because of finances, understandable. However I believe morally she needs to either plan to save money for all of them to visit him, to borrow money to visit him or she can meet him somewhere or to plan and investigate SOMEHOW how things are going with him.

She is the one who decided to leave and to remain gone, so she does bear some responsibility to do all she can to get this family back together. I cringe to think that any parent could take children away and keep them away like that. He could very well be lazy or have problems but nothing so far indicates to me that he should have lost his children 100%. That should only happen to people who have their parental rights terminated by a court of law (just my two cents.)

I have much sympathy for the original poster and all involved here. I just cannot take her side only, perhaps the situation hit a nerve in me I hope I have conveyed my thoughts charitably. God bless.

The problem is that 1) her parents are able to provide for her and the kids in the US but 2) her husband is not currently able to provide for her and the kids in Mexico and 3) he is not able to legally reside in the US. They need to work out a situation where 1) there is material support for the family and 2) they are all able to reside together. At the moment, neither Mexico nor the US meets both conditions.

If isn’t unreasonable for the OP to ask her husband to make some effort to seek some sort of employment in Mexico. Perhaps he should relocate to where his family lives in Mexico? It sounds like even more than a job, he needs some good male peer support and good male role models. If you look at the OP’s old postings, his behavior had been deteriorating for some time, with lots of erratic behavior.

Alternately, perhaps the OP can work on his immigration situation? If there is some sort of serious mental health issue, I think the US is their best bet for effective treatment. Come to think of it, could he get a temporary visa for medical care for say half a year, or is he barred from the US?

 

[Xantippe]

The money he owes, as far as he has told me, is not much. 500 pesos here and 300 there. (close to 80 dollars total) BUT the economy is SOO bad down there especially these months and my husband is not good with expenses and handling money and with no job, he cant pay that small amount.

I’ve told him many times to try looking for a job at the farmers market. That to me seems to be the place where he could find something (especially because he knows people there from when we bought our produce for the store). BUT he wont. He tells me, ‘O ill see if I go… maybe’ It seems to me he doesn’t think that job is good enough for him. He wants a good paying job(who doesn’t) but i’ve told him just find anything for right now so you can feed yourself, and later on find something better. He barely agrees with me then I ask the next day if he went out to find something and he says no.
Do I keep patiently waiting?

Your husband does not sound like good small business material, or if he does have a small business in the future, he would need to have somebody (like yourself) managing the financial side. If he does have bipolar (and the big truck was a typically bipolar move), he would have to learn to rely heavily on your judgment.

Unfortunately, I expect there’s probably a major conflict between his cultural programming and the stuff he needs to do to survive and care for your family (listen to your (name removed by moderator)ut, control his impulses, take jobs he regards as beneath him, etc.).

Not leaving the house sounds depressive.

I suspect that getting him out of his current environment is probably very important.

This also might be helpful:

daveramsey.com/store/financial-peace-university/spanish/cFPU-cSpanish-p1.html

amazon.com/transformaci%C3%B3n-total-dinero-bienestar-econ%C3%B3mico/dp/1602551111/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1403044755&sr=8-1&keywords=dave+ramsey+spanish

I don’t know how good the Spanish language materials are, but the Dave Ramsey English language materials are very good. Dave Ramsey’s story is that as a very young man, he borrowed a lot of money to build a little real estate empire, but then things went wrong, there was a series of foreclosures, lawsuits and bankruptcy and lots of humiliation, and he and his wife had to rebuild from nothing and completely rethink his attitude toward money. One of the things he learned was that he needed to start listening to his wife and consulting her on major financial decisions.

With the English version of the Financial Peace University class, there is an online version that military couples can do, even when they are living on different continents. I don’t know if that’s available for the Spanish FPU.

Best wishes!

 

[mommy_k]

I am very sorry you are going through this, as it is a very difficult situation.

In reply to the topic of the post, please imagine the following. It may be true or it may not be true, but please consider this also, and allow your heart to help you with your next steps.

In the US, businesses are started with a bank business loan to help a business thrive. Sometimes it takes a year or longer to be profitable, and there is the safety net built into this loan for this reason, as a lot of kinks can happen and the worker and owner needs a salary. This occurs even with the most astute business people. Also a business plan can show no-profit for a few years. So it not uncommon for people to owe money at the start of a business, but again they have the funding to ride out any problems.

It seems like your husbands business did not have the initial capitol to make it work. So he is depressed that he feels like a failure. The danger here is not that he is incompetent, but that he is thinking he is.

His business is gone, his wife left the country with the kids and he is alone, perhaps with the temptaions of relieving stress in negative ways. He needs you to offer some postive feedback now to get his life together. You are fortunate to have your family. If you are a citizen, can’t he become naturalized citizen through marriage and join you?

 

[Xantippe]

In the US, businesses are started with a bank business loan to help a business thrive. Sometimes it takes a year or longer to be profitable, and there is the safety net built into this loan for this reason, as a lot of kinks can happen and the worker and owner needs a salary. This occurs even with the most astute business people. Also a business plan can show no-profit for a few years. So it not uncommon for people to owe money at the start of a business, but again they have the funding to ride out any problems.

It seems like your husbands business did not have the initial capitol to make it work. So he is depressed that he feels like a failure. The danger here is not that he is incompetent, but that he is thinking he is.

His business is gone, his wife left the country with the kids and he is alone, perhaps with the temptaions of relieving stress in negative ways. He needs you to offer some postive feedback now to get his life together. You are fortunate to have your family. If you are a citizen, can’t he become naturalized citizen through marriage and join you?

That’s very good. (I’d modify that a bit to mention that the loans themselves are very dangerous for young businesses, but the basic point is correct that businesses need substantial cash as a safety net to get through the risky early years.)

Lots of new businesses fail or come very close to failure early on. My parents started a store 20+ years ago and it did better and better every year. We all thought we were marketing geniuses! My parents started taking out lines of credit (free money!), borrowed to do a building expansion, and borrowed to pay an employee through a downturn. That was the dot com bust. What we did not understand at the time was that in the early years, we’d been riding the euphoria of the dot com bubble, when everybody was spending money they didn’t have on stuff they didn’t need (at the peak, we used to see people set down a dozen or more t-shirts on the counter–it was insane). Well, that didn’t last forever. It was a hard lesson to learn that sometimes, the ebb or flow of income to your business is governed by currents completely out of your control, rather than being some sort of judgment on your business savvy or work ethic. In my parents’ case, they hung on and survived, but it was a very near thing, and there were some very rough years. My dad got into Dave Ramsey (and eventually turned me onto Dave Ramsey) and they stopped thinking of credit as somehow “free money.” When 2008 came, it was not enjoyable, but they rode it out just fine, because they weren’t borrowing big and they didn’t have a huge payroll.

Down the road from my parents, there’s a property with a small store. Over the last 20+ years, we’ve watched a succession of out-of-town owners with big dreams come and go. They come in, pay too much, try to fix it up a little, put in weird inventory, get bored, run out of money, don’t have enough inventory that anybody actually wants (for instance, not buying gas for the gas station), don’t keep it open during normal business hours, and then go into a sort of commercial death spiral. And then they sell it to the next out-of-town sucker. We’ve seen it happen over and over again–I’ve lost track of how many times this has happened. I expect something very similar happened to the OP, her husband and their store.

I expect it is very embarrassing for the OP, but they are neither the first nor the last people to have trouble running a store. It looks easy, but it’s not.

Another thing that comes to mind is that career counseling might be a very good idea for the OP’s husband. You say that he worked really hard in the US, I’m suspecting that he was doing different work and/or he had a boss. A lot of people want to be self-employed, but find that it’s much harder to keep yourself motivated when you work for yourself.

Best wishes!

 

[bitterhope]

I just wanted to touch on him being able to immigrate based on marriage. Each country has different rules when it comes to immigration. There are income requirements that must be met in order for a spouse from Mexico to even obtain a visa, and to gain residence it is even tougher. Being married to a US citizen or having children that are US citizens is not enough. Other requirements are made on a case by case basis must be met in order for a Mexican citizen to immigrate, obtain conditional residency, then permanent residency, and perhaps eventual citizenship. The process is long, complicated and expensive. Since he has resided illegally in the US before, other factors apply and those are determined by whether or not deportation happened or if he left on his own among other things. My husband is now a US citizen (helped in a big way by him joining the Army) so I’m not dealing with this stuff anymore thankfully, but no, it’s not as simple as just being married or having kids. I sure wish it had been.

 

[barboza21]

The problem is that 1) her parents are able to provide for her and the kids in the US but 2) her husband is not currently able to provide for her and the kids in Mexico and 3) he is not able to legally reside in the US. They need to work out a situation where 1) there is material support for the family and 2) they are all able to reside together. At the moment, neither Mexico nor the US meets both conditions.

If isn’t unreasonable for the OP to ask her husband to make some effort to seek some sort of employment in Mexico. Perhaps he should relocate to where his family lives in Mexico? It sounds like even more than a job, he needs some good male peer support and good male role models. If you look at the OP’s old postings, his behavior had been deteriorating for some time, with lots of erratic behavior.

Alternately, perhaps the OP can work on his immigration situation? If there is some sort of serious mental health issue, I think the US is their best bet for effective treatment. Come to think of it, could he get a temporary visa for medical care for say half a year, or is he barred from the US?

I agree with what you say. He needs good male role models. Here in the states, it was my dad. My husband loved spending time with him. But it seems he has forgotten everything my dad used to tell him while we were here. And now my dad isnt happy with him. My dad doesnt want to talk to him

Where we live in Mexico, my husband sees nothing but bad examples. I guess its a bad neighborhood. Guys there mistreat their ‘wives’. They lie to them and sneak behind their back. They go out with friends and drink and come home late at night. This is all my husband sees. Though I dont defend him and say well its not his fault. NO. He is a grown man, he shouldn’t use those people as his examples. BUT he does need good company.
Another thing is the whole anger management. I think he has a problem with his anger issues, and thats something he needs help with.

While we dont have money to fix his immigration situation, I think his behavior needs to be addressed whether here in the states or in Mexico.

I am uncomfortable with thinking we should just live in the US because he might act better here. The problem needs to be fixed so we can live happily in Mexico, the US, or Canada. Does that make sense? I want to be able to have a good marriage/happy life with him no matter where we are. Its just a matter of how. How can I help my husband?

 

[barboza21]

Your husband does not sound like good small business material, or if he does have a small business in the future, he would need to have somebody (like yourself) managing the financial side. If he does have bipolar (and the big truck was a typically bipolar move), he would have to learn to rely heavily on your judgment.

Unfortunately, I expect there’s probably a major conflict between his cultural programming and the stuff he needs to do to survive and care for your family (listen to your (name removed by moderator)ut, control his impulses, take jobs he regards as beneath him, etc.).

Not leaving the house sounds depressive.

I suspect that getting him out of his current environment is probably very important.

This also might be helpful:

daveramsey.com/store/financial-peace-university/spanish/cFPU-cSpanish-p1.html

amazon.com/transformaci%C3%B3n-total-dinero-bienestar-econ%C3%B3mico/dp/1602551111/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1403044755&sr=8-1&keywords=dave+ramsey+spanish

I don’t know how good the Spanish language materials are, but the Dave Ramsey English language materials are very good. Dave Ramsey’s story is that as a very young man, he borrowed a lot of money to build a little real estate empire, but then things went wrong, there was a series of foreclosures, lawsuits and bankruptcy and lots of humiliation, and he and his wife had to rebuild from nothing and completely rethink his attitude toward money. One of the things he learned was that he needed to start listening to his wife and consulting her on major financial decisions.

With the English version of the Financial Peace University class, there is an online version that military couples can do, even when they are living on different continents. I don’t know if that’s available for the Spanish FPU.

Best wishes!

When I was there, he worked the store and I handled the finances. But since I left the store went down. I knew he couldn’t handle it all on his own but never thought he would lose the business entirely. I just figured I could pick the business back up once I got back, but now there’s nothing to pick up.

I think my husband does have a problem with listening to me. He says I think I am always right, but I have noticed he hates hearing when he is wrong. To him, it is annoying for me to be right. ? That’s how it seems. So that is a problem. Especially because men there don’t listen to their wives and don’t take them into consideration.

Thank you for the links.

 

[barboza21]

God bless you, you have very wise and wonderful ideas!

To the original poster, I appreciate your dilemma and believe you want to do the morally right thing. Forgive me if I am coming across as if I lack compassion. I am extremely sensitive to the situation of children being taken away from a parent, especially when there is no legal order allowing them to do so. Perhaps because I have experienced in my life the severe damage that it can cause, so I believe your actions probably struck a nerve. I am aware that your finances are not in order, I was just concerned you were going to be separated permanently as there seemed no way out, and that had me very concerned. Your husband has not found a job and seems not to be able to: okay then, what is “plan B”

Xantippe had some wonderful ideas, I just think you probably need to be more active in trying to reunite with him, not just complain he has no job it isn’t working. If he really is a drug dealer, that is another matter! Hopefully he isn’t and you can work this out. God bless and please be assured of my prayers.

I see what you mean about keeping kids from the parent.
My husband has now agreed he thinks its in our best interest for us to go home once he has a job.
I dont think he is a drug dealer. I am unsure though if he is using drugs or not. I asked him a few days ago and he said of course not. he said he has no money for that.

Thank you thank you so much for your prayers.
Lately, I feel worn out. Too worn out to say a decent prayer. God help me.

 

[barboza21]

I am very sorry you are going through this, as it is a very difficult situation.

In reply to the topic of the post, please imagine the following. It may be true or it may not be true, but please consider this also, and allow your heart to help you with your next steps.

In the US, businesses are started with a bank business loan to help a business thrive. Sometimes it takes a year or longer to be profitable, and there is the safety net built into this loan for this reason, as a lot of kinks can happen and the worker and owner needs a salary. This occurs even with the most astute business people. Also a business plan can show no-profit for a few years. So it not uncommon for people to owe money at the start of a business, but again they have the funding to ride out any problems.

It seems like your husbands business did not have the initial capitol to make it work. So he is depressed that he feels like a failure. The danger here is not that he is incompetent, but that he is thinking he is.

His business is gone, his wife left the country with the kids and he is alone, perhaps with the temptaions of relieving stress in negative ways. He needs you to offer some postive feedback now to get his life together. You are fortunate to have your family. If you are a citizen, can’t he become naturalized citizen through marriage and join you?

This is true. My husband has told me he feels like a failure. I have told him how smart I know he is and how hardworking he is. But he doesnt remember I guess.
He has also told me he likes the fact that working at the store he can be home all day and see the kids and play with them at any point during the day. BUT he dislikes the actual work of the store. He gets bored of doing the exact same thing every day. So now I think we should just live from a regular job. Although jobs pay very little down there. Much less than the small profit of a little store.

Its not that easy. It is very expensive to fix his immigration status and even then it is not a sure thing. My mom has been here 20 years, my dad is now a citizen and he filed the application for her. It was denied. They are saying they can apply again and pay all the fees again and maybe… but who knows. Just money wasted.

 

[Xantippe]

I am uncomfortable with thinking we should just live in the US because he might act better here. The problem needs to be fixed so we can live happily in Mexico, the US, or Canada. Does that make sense? I want to be able to have a good marriage/happy life with him no matter where we are. Its just a matter of how. How can I help my husband?

It does sound, though, like he’s in a bad environment and you’d have a very hard time having a good marriage where he is now. If his family in Mexico is better, maybe he’d do better being around them.

It sounds like environment has a lot of effect on him (like your dad).

I think the US (and probably Canada, too) is probably a better place to work on mental health and relationship issues than pretty much all of Mexico. (Although, I have to say, even under the best of circumstances, dealing with bipolar is HARD–I don’t think that the psychiatric profession really has it licked yet. From my limited experience, “staying on your meds” isn’t quite good enough.) It’s not perfect, but in the US we have a culture where a big chunk of the population (including men) thinks that it’s OK to seek medical help for mental issues and counseling and is doing so. Given how crucial environment and example is for your husband, that could be really important.

 

[Xantippe]

I think my husband does have a problem with listening to me. He says I think I am always right, but I have noticed he hates hearing when he is wrong. To him, it is annoying for me to be right. ? That’s how it seems. So that is a problem. Especially because men there don’t listen to their wives and don’t take them into consideration.

Yeah–and you can see how well that works for them.

Going forward, it’s going to be very important to get your husband to listen to your concerns, without beating up on him to hard for his past mistakes.

One of the things about Dave Ramsey that’s really good (and I hope this is in the Spanish language materials) is that while he is a very traditional guy, he believes in the importance of making financial decisions TOGETHER. What he teaches is that couples will make better decisions if they plan their spending together. Two heads are better than one. It’s much more likely for one of you to be stupid than it is for both of you to be stupid about the same thing at the same time.

 

[Xantippe]

This is true. My husband has told me he feels like a failure. I have told him how smart I know he is and how hardworking he is. But he doesnt remember I guess.
He has also told me he likes the fact that working at the store he can be home all day and see the kids and play with them at any point during the day. BUT he dislikes the actual work of the store. He gets bored of doing the exact same thing every day. So now I think we should just live from a regular job. Although jobs pay very little down there. Much less than the small profit of a little store.

I’m not surprised. The store probably isn’t a good fit for him.