Please help me understand my husband

[bitterhope]

You are right that you both need to find happiness wherever you are. Changing countries might fix it for a while but it will only be temporary.

I’m not sure how to help your husband without more specifics honestly. I hope others are able to give you the advice you need. But remember that he is an adult so he really is the only one that can fix himself. You are going to need to lay out your expectations for him and let him know the way you expect things to go. Have clear boundaries and let him know what will happen if he chooses to cross those boundaries. Be prepared to follow up with whatever you say your going to do if/when he crosses the line and do it. You’ll need to get a job and provide support until the time he is willing or able or whatever, and you might just need to do that permanently. I’ve never been to Durango, but in Veracruz where most of my in laws live, most of the men work in the fields and the women make queso fresco, chorizo, dulces, etc. or take in laundry as work. This is done from home so there is no child care needed. At night some if the men set up taco carts after they get home from the fields and clean up. Many times my father in law gets hired to make barbacoa for weddings or other parties, and my sister in law makes tamales and sacahuil. In the bigger towns there are ladies making tortillas and coffee all day, pan dulce in the mornings, lots of little things like that. Maybe Durango is similar? Don’t know if you all are in larger town/city or rural pueblo like my in laws so maybe this us helpful or not. But basically you are going to need to help out with the finances at least for a while. He is going to need to decide if he’s willing to live up to your expectations once you lay them out, and you are going to need to decide what you are willing to do if he chooses not to live up to them.

When we were in Cuernavaca, Morelos (beautiful city!) for a year, I set up a booth with crochet and sewing items to sell. Other ladies had candles or rebozos, one man sold shoe insoles (?) and laces. Some sold cotton candy or gum. Kids were with me the whole time. It is possible to make a living in Mexico but you need to stop thinking of it in terms of the US. It is different. In some ways it’s easier to make a living, but it’s going to be difficult to achieve the same standard of living, especially in the more rural areas. What type of work does your husband do? He may very well be unable to find the type of work he is accustomed to, but if you take the lead and start providing he may follow you. But in order for you to be together with him, you are going to need to be working for now it seems.

It’s also a big possibility that people know your husband has been in the US. I guess people know you are an American. It’s very likely that he wants people to think he made a big money and there is no need for him to work. I’ve seen that happen a lot! People are always surprised that my husband goes to the fields with his dad and sister when we visit or that the kids do their own laundry, or that I cook. They notice even the people that go to the cities to work come home and do nothing at all. They have money so they don’t need to work I guess? They will even complain about the dirt and rocks in the roads. I think it is a weird type of pride, but I’m not sure how to correct that. I guess he would need to just suck it up and get over it.

I’ll pray for your family. I miss Mexico and as soon as our 20 years is up in the Army we are heading back there for good.

 

[Xantippe]

One thing that comes to mind is that the OP could do English tutoring or just plain English teaching in Mexico. Tutoring can be done at home with kids around or napping. A city with a college or colleges or where a lot of people want to work in the tourist industry might be a good bet.

If you go back, you might want to do a little research beforehand on well-reviewed books and take a suitcase full of suitable materials. (Although these days, there are electronic versions of a lot of things.)

Best wishes!

 

[mommy_k]

One thing that comes to mind is that the OP could do English tutoring or just plain English teaching in Mexico. Tutoring can be done at home with kids around or napping. A city with a college or colleges or where a lot of people want to work in the tourist industry might be a good bet.

If you go back, you might want to do a little research beforehand on well-reviewed books and take a suitcase full of suitable materials. (Although these days, there are electronic versions of a lot of things.)

Best wishes!

This is a very good idea-also your husband may be more apt to find work in the tourist industry too, or a larger city. How to pay for this is something you need to discuss together. Perhaps you can ask your church for fundraising ideas.

The last thing I wanted to say, is that if your husband is depressed or using drugs- these things can be viewed as a sickness. Mental illness and addiction are no different than any other disease, and need medical treatment, prayer and understanding. You would not have the same thoughts about him if he had a physical disease, so take the same steps. It is difficult for you right now I empathise very much, but please put a more positive mindset to your husband, so you can grow in love and commitment to each other. This requires you to be strong in faith right now, for the future of your precious little ones and your family.

 

[barboza21]

It does sound, though, like he’s in a bad environment and you’d have a very hard time having a good marriage where he is now. If his family in Mexico is better, maybe he’d do better being around them.

It sounds like environment has a lot of effect on him (like your dad).

I think the US (and probably Canada, too) is probably a better place to work on mental health and relationship issues than pretty much all of Mexico. (Although, I have to say, even under the best of circumstances, dealing with bipolar is HARD–I don’t think that the psychiatric profession really has it licked yet. From my limited experience, “staying on your meds” isn’t quite good enough.) It’s not perfect, but in the US we have a culture where a big chunk of the population (including men) thinks that it’s OK to seek medical help for mental issues and counseling and is doing so. Given how crucial environment and example is for your husband, that could be really important.

I see what you mean, but hes not close to his family. So i think if i go with him over there the same could happen maybe. and if it did, i am all alone there. i have a couple uncles and grandparents in durango. though i am not close to them but at least theyre family of mine. another thing is in durango, we have a home… its my dads house. in san luis where his parents are, wewouldnt have a place to go.

I have been thinking that maybe hes not bipolar. I hope not… and that maybe his behavior is ue to the anger managemtn problems and the alcohol/drug use. Maybe that together caused his behavior to be so out of control. ?

Yeah–and you can see how well that works for them.

Going forward, it’s going to be very important to get your husband to listen to your concerns, without beating up on him to hard for his past mistakes.

One of the things about Dave Ramsey that’s really good (and I hope this is in the Spanish language materials) is that while he is a very traditional guy, he believes in the importance of making financial decisions TOGETHER. What he teaches is that couples will make better decisions if they plan their spending together. Two heads are better than one. It’s much more likely for one of you to be stupid than it is for both of you to be stupid about the same thing at the same time.

I really wish my husband would be open to listenign to him. I havent asked. but I am afraid to ask and be turned down. It hurts that he doesnt realize he needs help sometimes. I tell him he should talk to someone and he says no.

Alos, while we were here in Texas, he used to come home Thursday afternoon and give me his paycheck. Cashed. Sometimes 20 bucks was missing, but I see nothing wrong with that. He let me take care of the finances. and he still did in Mexico, except he wanted to take more and I guess he did when I wasnt looking because he always had money to go buy his beer when he felt like it.

I’m not surprised. The store probably isn’t a good fit for him.

I doubt we will put the store back up.

 

[barboza21]

You are right that you both need to find happiness wherever you are. Changing countries might fix it for a while but it will only be temporary.

I’m not sure how to help your husband without more specifics honestly. I hope others are able to give you the advice you need. But remember that he is an adult so he really is the only one that can fix himself. You are going to need to lay out your expectations for him and let him know the way you expect things to go. Have clear boundaries and let him know what will happen if he chooses to cross those boundaries. Be prepared to follow up with whatever you say your going to do if/when he crosses the line and do it. You’ll need to get a job and provide support until the time he is willing or able or whatever, and you might just need to do that permanently. I’ve never been to Durango, but in Veracruz where most of my in laws live, most of the men work in the fields and the women make queso fresco, chorizo, dulces, etc. or take in laundry as work. This is done from home so there is no child care needed. At night some if the men set up taco carts after they get home from the fields and clean up. Many times my father in law gets hired to make barbacoa for weddings or other parties, and my sister in law makes tamales and sacahuil. In the bigger towns there are ladies making tortillas and coffee all day, pan dulce in the mornings, lots of little things like that. Maybe Durango is similar? Don’t know if you all are in larger town/city or rural pueblo like my in laws so maybe this us helpful or not. But basically you are going to need to help out with the finances at least for a while. He is going to need to decide if he’s willing to live up to your expectations once you lay them out, and you are going to need to decide what you are willing to do if he chooses not to live up to them.

When we were in Cuernavaca, Morelos (beautiful city!) for a year, I set up a booth with crochet and sewing items to sell. Other ladies had candles or rebozos, one man sold shoe insoles (?) and laces. Some sold cotton candy or gum. Kids were with me the whole time. It is possible to make a living in Mexico but you need to stop thinking of it in terms of the US. It is different. In some ways it’s easier to make a living, but it’s going to be difficult to achieve the same standard of living, especially in the more rural areas. What type of work does your husband do? He may very well be unable to find the type of work he is accustomed to, but if you take the lead and start providing he may follow you. But in order for you to be together with him, you are going to need to be working for now it seems.

It’s also a big possibility that people know your husband has been in the US. I guess people know you are an American. It’s very likely that he wants people to think he made a big money and there is no need for him to work. I’ve seen that happen a lot! People are always surprised that my husband goes to the fields with his dad and sister when we visit or that the kids do their own laundry, or that I cook. They notice even the people that go to the cities to work come home and do nothing at all. They have money so they don’t need to work I guess? They will even complain about the dirt and rocks in the roads. I think it is a weird type of pride, but I’m not sure how to correct that. I guess he would need to just suck it up and get over it.

I’ll pray for your family. I miss Mexico and as soon as our 20 years is up in the Army we are heading back there for good.

You have good advice. I know I need to talk to him and let him know how things need to be. But he reacts so badly to when I tell him things like that. I guess its the manly pride (macho). Maybe him talking to his brothers will help. If his brothers tell him he is wrong or he has done wrong. because my husband usually says I always just think I am right.

We live in the capitol of the state so it is a city.

My husband worked in construction here. drove heavy machinery and cranes.

he does have pride.working at the farmers market is not good enough for him. i am sure if he had tried getting a job there he would have been working for 2 weeks now. he’d rather sell stuff for right now… because he wants a job at the airport or as a driver. But to work at the airport he needs high school diploma. Which he doesnt have. he wants the kinds of job that experienced people get. Which he obviously cant. but hes stubborn.

 

[barboza21]

One thing that comes to mind is that the OP could do English tutoring or just plain English teaching in Mexico. Tutoring can be done at home with kids around or napping. A city with a college or colleges or where a lot of people want to work in the tourist industry might be a good bet.

If you go back, you might want to do a little research beforehand on well-reviewed books and take a suitcase full of suitable materials. (Although these days, there are electronic versions of a lot of things.)

Best wishes!

This is a very good idea-also your husband may be more apt to find work in the tourist industry too, or a larger city. How to pay for this is something you need to discuss together. Perhaps you can ask your church for fundraising ideas.

The last thing I wanted to say, is that if your husband is depressed or using drugs- these things can be viewed as a sickness. Mental illness and addiction are no different than any other disease, and need medical treatment, prayer and understanding. You would not have the same thoughts about him if he had a physical disease, so take the same steps. It is difficult for you right now I empathise very much, but please put a more positive mindset to your husband, so you can grow in love and commitment to each other. This requires you to be strong in faith right now, for the future of your precious little ones and your family.

When we first arrived, a lot of people did tell me I should teach English. But we live in a very poor neighborhood. I guess you are right though. I could advertize through facebook… and maybe a few people would be interested in classes or something. Thank you for the idea.

I will take that into consideration… I have thought my husband needs help. and sometimes love is the best kind of help. I will talk to his brothers and also ask them to please try to call him every once in a while, to see how e is doing.

 

[barboza21]

Its hard not knowing when I’ll go back.
AND my dad is pretty upset so he wouldn’t like the idea of me leaving any time soon… so its hard knowing that. also, my mom told me yesterday if i did leave they would never be comfortable because they would always be worrying about me and the kids. the thought of my husband continuing to use drugs or alcohol and his anger problems would keep them up at night. and I understand them. Its just ANOTHER weight on my shoulders.
It’s hard not to shed a tear throughout the day every chance I get.

Thank you all for any prayers you send our way. May God almighty bless you.

 

[Xantippe]

Is there some sort of Mexican equivalent of the GED? In the US, the best place for your husband would be community college (not necessarily a degree but a course or two while working full-time), but I don’t know what’s available there.

barboza21 said:

“I have been thinking that maybe hes not bipolar. I hope not… and that maybe his behavior is ue to the anger managemtn problems and the alcohol/drug use. Maybe that together caused his behavior to be so out of control. ?”

That’s something for a specialist to figure out. The anger can be a bipolar thing. With a friend of ours who is bipolar, unreasonable anger was probably his first real symptom. In your husband’s case, if he’s bipolar, the alcohol and drugs could be his efforts at self-medication.

It’s a bad situation to go back into if there’s no commitment from him to seek help and move forward on improving his life. Actually, it’s a bad situation even if he were 100% committed to seeking help and moving forward.

“He let me take care of the finances. and he still did in Mexico, except he wanted to take more and I guess he did when I wasnt looking because he always had money to go buy his beer when he felt like it.”

I expect he was probably taking what he wanted from the till. That’s no way to run a business, of course.

If you are ever successful living together, he’ll have to be more involved in the budgeting process. Unfortunately, if he is an addict, that will be virtually impossible. But if he is an addict, you won’t be able to live with him long-term.

“also, my mom told me yesterday if i did leave they would never be comfortable because they would always be worrying about me and the kids. the thought of my husband continuing to use drugs or alcohol and his anger problems would keep them up at night.”

Anybody who cared about you would be worried about you going back into that situation with the kids.

Best wishes!

 

[barboza21]

Is there some sort of Mexican equivalent of the GED? In the US, the best place for your husband would be community college (not necessarily a degree but a course or two while working full-time), but I don’t know what’s available there.

barboza21 said:

“I have been thinking that maybe hes not bipolar. I hope not… and that maybe his behavior is ue to the anger managemtn problems and the alcohol/drug use. Maybe that together caused his behavior to be so out of control. ?”

That’s something for a specialist to figure out. The anger can be a bipolar thing. With a friend of ours who is bipolar, unreasonable anger was probably his first real symptom. In your husband’s case, if he’s bipolar, the alcohol and drugs could be his efforts at self-medication.

It’s a bad situation to go back into if there’s no commitment from him to seek help and move forward on improving his life. Actually, it’s a bad situation even if he were 100% committed to seeking help and moving forward.

“He let me take care of the finances. and he still did in Mexico, except he wanted to take more and I guess he did when I wasnt looking because he always had money to go buy his beer when he felt like it.”

I expect he was probably taking what he wanted from the till. That’s no way to run a business, of course.

If you are ever successful living together, he’ll have to be more involved in the budgeting process. Unfortunately, if he is an addict, that will be virtually impossible. But if he is an addict, you won’t be able to live with him long-term.

“also, my mom told me yesterday if i did leave they would never be comfortable because they would always be worrying about me and the kids. the thought of my husband continuing to use drugs or alcohol and his anger problems would keep them up at night.”

Anybody who cared about you would be worried about you going back into that situation with the kids.

Best wishes!

Yes there is a way to get his ‘GED’. My plans are to get him to do that later on, as soon as he can. Of course if you want to make God laugh, make plans right?

I agree, he could be using drugs/alcohol as a way to regulate whatever it is that he is feeling.

Going back would always present a fear that he could ‘act’ up again. I dont want to live in fear. He knows this, though I dont know if he really does comprehend it or not. He promised me things will be different when I go back but … I know hes not 100% committed yet. I can tell by the things he says to me.

In a perfect world, he would regret the things he’s done and would be committed to doing things differently. and I would go home and we would work on our marriage. I think about him joining maybe a basketball team (his favorite sport) to maintain as a hobby and help him stay away from temptations like alcohol and drugs… as well as seeking help for his anger and such. I am more than willing to try everything and work hard on our marriage and our individual conversion to Christ. Because I know we BOTH need to be closer to Him… But we cant begin on any of that if he doesnt want to. How can we?

I think I am going to look for a part time job to help me out while I am still here. It could be a couple weeks… or more? until my husband sees the gravity of the situation and decides to commit. ?

I long to be with my husband. :bighanky:
Please keep us in your prayers.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes there is a way to get his ‘GED’. My plans are to get him to do that later on, as soon as he can. Of course if you want to make God laugh, make plans right?

I agree, he could be using drugs/alcohol as a way to regulate whatever it is that he is feeling.

Going back would always present a fear that he could ‘act’ up again. I dont want to live in fear. He knows this, though I dont know if he really does comprehend it or not. He promised me things will be different when I go back but … I know hes not 100% committed yet. I can tell by the things he says to me.

In a perfect world, he would regret the things he’s done and would be committed to doing things differently. and I would go home and we would work on our marriage. I think about him joining maybe a basketball team (his favorite sport) to maintain as a hobby and help him stay away from temptations like alcohol and drugs… as well as seeking help for his anger and such. I am more than willing to try everything and work hard on our marriage and our individual conversion to Christ. Because I know we BOTH need to be closer to Him… But we cant begin on any of that if he doesnt want to. How can we?

I think I am going to look for a part time job to help me out while I am still here. It could be a couple weeks… or more? until my husband sees the gravity of the situation and decides to commit. ?

I long to be with my husband. :bighanky:
Please keep us in your prayers.

Basketball sounds great. I’ve heard before that the only way to deal permanently with a bad addiction is to replace it with a “good” addiction. For instance, a smoker might start chewing gum or running or something.

A part-time job sounds great. Whatever you don’t need to contribute to your own support, stash away in your Mexico fund and tell your husband of your progress. Be a good example to him and ask him what he is doing to make sure that you can all be together soon.

Best wishes!

 

[camillebru]

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[barboza21]

Basketball sounds great. I’ve heard before that the only way to deal permanently with a bad addiction is to replace it with a “good” addiction. For instance, a smoker might start chewing gum or running or something.

A part-time job sounds great. Whatever you don’t need to contribute to your own support, stash away in your Mexico fund and tell your husband of your progress. Be a good example to him and ask him what he is doing to make sure that you can all be together soon.

Best wishes!

thank you so much. I feel like I can breathe again. God gives me peace at times, makes all this tolerable.

My husband is still in denial. Tells me I have to go over there and then I’ll see changes in him.
But he tells me over the phone he doesnt regret buying the truck and things like that. so his thinking is still wrong. how can I help him see it actually was a bad idea??

 

[Xantippe]

thank you so much. I feel like I can breathe again. God gives me peace at times, makes all this tolerable.

My husband is still in denial. Tells me I have to go over there and then I’ll see changes in him.
But he tells me over the phone he doesnt regret buying the truck and things like that. so his thinking is still wrong. how can I help him see it actually was a bad idea??

I think I’d ask him, “Now that the store is gone, what do you need the truck for?”

I think selling the truck, buying a more modest vehicle, and getting a job of any kind at all would be important good faith efforts for him to do before you come back with the babies. (You could go back by yourself for a fact-finding visit without that.)

By the way, it just occurred to me that with modern technology, you would be able to Skype in a counselor from wherever you like, if you have good enough internet, for the two of you.

Actually, come to think of it, maybe he should be seeing a counselor by Skype or by phone (whichever is more feasible) as part of preparing for your return. A US one might not be affordable for you right now, but there must be at least a few US-style ones in a major city like Mexico City.

Best wishes!

 

[barboza21]

I think I’d ask him, “Now that the store is gone, what do you need the truck for?”

I think selling the truck, buying a more modest vehicle, and getting a job of any kind at all would be important good faith efforts for him to do before you come back with the babies. (You could go back by yourself for a fact-finding visit without that.)

By the way, it just occurred to me that with modern technology, you would be able to Skype in a counselor from wherever you like, if you have good enough internet, for the two of you.

Actually, come to think of it, maybe he should be seeing a counselor by Skype or by phone (whichever is more feasible) as part of preparing for your return. A US one might not be affordable for you right now, but there must be at least a few US-style ones in a major city like Mexico City.

Best wishes!

I have a bigger problem now.
I talked to a neighbor across the street from our house in mexico. She says hes been partying til early hours of the morning. and she says there have been women in the house… women and men but WOMEN.

I think this changes things really.

 

[Xantippe]

I have a bigger problem now.
I talked to a neighbor across the street from our house in mexico. She says hes been partying til early hours of the morning. and she says there have been women in the house… women and men but WOMEN.

I think this changes things really.

Huh.

Looking on the bright side, that means he’s eating, right?

 

[barboza21]

Huh.

Looking on the bright side, that means he’s eating, right?

Am I expected to still be the one fighting for this marriage?

 

[Xantippe]

Am I expected to still be the one fighting for this marriage?

Sure–fight for it by keeping in touch regularly, pursuing your education, working, and saving.

And encourage him to do likewise.

The more he works and saves, the faster you’ll be able to come back. I’d tell him that early and often with lots of “I love you so much!” and “I can’t wait to see you! And I’m studying hard and I’m working and I’m saving”

And see if you can do some sort of personal finance thing together long distance.

If he makes no progress in the next six months to a year, it will be time to revisit the question, but for the moment, do the best with your current resources (and don’t send him any money, of course).

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

 

[Xantippe]

Some sort of STD testing is probably in order if you guys ever get back together.

That’s sad to have to think about that, but it’s necessary.

 

[barboza21]

Sure–fight for it by keeping in touch regularly, pursuing your education, working, and saving.

And encourage him to do likewise.

The more he works and saves, the faster you’ll be able to come back. I’d tell him that early and often with lots of “I love you so much!” and “I can’t wait to see you! And I’m studying hard and I’m working and I’m saving”

And see if you can do some sort of personal finance thing together long distance.

If he makes no progress in the next six months to a year, it will be time to revisit the question, but for the moment, do the best with your current resources (and don’t send him any money, of course).

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Thank you for the advice.
I haven’t told him I know about the situation. I don’t want to speak to him. I’d rather months passed in the blink of an eye and hoped things were better.
If I do confront him, he will deny it. And never accept it. What do I do then?

I would for sure ask for an std test.

Thanks again.
God bless you

 

[barboza21]

I talked to my husband and I don’t believe he commited adultery but because of the trust issue I have due to everything else that has happened, I am not 100% sure.
I found out again he got drunk this weekend with some ‘buddies’ and came home at early hours of the morning. I couldn’t reach him all day Sunday. His cellphone was off. He finally answered Monday morning and the first thing he said was ‘whats up?’. He acted like nothing had happened as if what he did was completely okay. I told him I was giving up and didn’t think I was going home. At one point he said ‘when you come back…’ and I said ‘don’t be so sure!’ and he responded with ‘okay fine.’ I think he is testing me. I think he said that because he has so much pride and he doesn’t think I’ll ever leave him.

My dad has a permit for his truck to go travel into Mexico for June and July. He bought it (very expensive) before he knew of all the trouble going on with my husband. now I feel bad he made the purchase and would hate for it to go to waste. He has said he is willing to drive me down there and pay all the costs . although he has told me if I wasn’t married to him by the church he would just tell me to forget about it. He said he doesn’t think hes ever going to change. but since we are married, he isn’t advising me from going. he is telling me to be very wise about what I do. He is planning on maybe taking me in 3 weeks, before the permit expires. but he doesn’t know about my last conversation with my husband where he told me it would be okay/fine if I didn’t go back.

am I wrong to be so broken by all my husband has done to even tell him im considering not going back? I said that to him partly because I was so hurt and partly because I wanted him to react and … he is so proud and I feel he wants to have control over me leaving. and honestly I wish I could control him and make him fight for us, for his family.

am I only thinking with my heart?

I hate that he is doing all that stuff in my parents house. I think maybe I should tell him to get out. but I am afraid that will complicate things more. I just wish he could change the way he thinks and we could work this out and have a good marriage. but sometimes I think what if God doesn’t want this? am I wrong to think this?

my husband hasn’t tried to contact me since yesterday morning.