Please help me with an anullment issue!

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vish1990

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Hello friends!

I am a 22 year-old college student who was raised in what you might call a “seasonal” sort of Catholicism…not exactly “cafeteria,” but it certainly waxed and waned after my parents divorced (when I was five) and my mother left the faith…since I went back and forth a few times, I had a hard time finding my “faith footing,” especially since my father would go through these “seasons” of attending Mass regularly for a few months, and then not at all.

I’m currently attending RCIA at my campus parish, and I was troubled to learn that my father is no longer attending Mass. He seems devastated because he was pulled aside at church and told he cannot receive Holy Communion until he annuls his marriage to my mother. He is conflicted, because he truly loves Mass and transubstantiation, believes fervently in it, and feels pain from being separated; but he refuses to annul the marriage because (in his own words) he won’t “admit to anyone that the marriage shouldn’t have happened,” on the basis that he had four children and wouldn’t change a thing to lose them.

I hate to see my father spiritually suffer because of me. What canonical advice can I give him to convince him that I want him to start receiving Holy Communion again? Does he really have to admit that his marriage, and subsequent children, are mistakes in the eyes of God?
 
vish1990 said:
Hello friends!

I am a 22 year-old college student who was raised in what you might call a “seasonal” sort of Catholicism…not exactly “cafeteria,” but it certainly waxed and waned after my parents divorced (when I was five) and my mother left the faith…since I went back and forth a few times, I had a hard time finding my “faith footing,” especially since my father would go through these “seasons” of attending Mass regularly for a few months, and then not at all.

I’m currently attending RCIA at my campus parish, and I was troubled to learn that my father is no longer attending Mass. He seems devastated because he was pulled aside at church and told he cannot receive Holy Communion until he annuls his marriage to my mother. He is conflicted, because he truly loves Mass and transubstantiation, believes fervently in it, and feels pain from being separated; but he refuses to annul the marriage because (in his own words) he won’t “admit to anyone that the marriage shouldn’t have happened,” on the basis that he had four children and wouldn’t change a thing to lose them.

I hate to see my father spiritually suffer because of me. What canonical advice can I give him to convince him that I want him to start receiving Holy Communion again? Does he really have to admit that his marriage, and subsequent children, are mistakes in the eyes of God?
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Your father needs to talk to his priest. As I understand it, if he is living celibately, not involved with anyone he can still receive communion without having his marriage annulled.

Annulment does not have anything to do with the children of the marriage. Even if the marriage is found to be null, it does not make the children illegitimate.

ETA: My marriage has been declared null, it still was not a mistake. It had to ocur for my three children to exist- and they were not mistakes. My marriage was found to not have been sacramental in nature ‘ab initio’, but still not a mistake…
 
Something is not quite adding up here…

He can recieve no problem after a divorce without an anullment. Just not if he got re-married or if he’s shacking up with someone. If it is not either of those situations…whoever told him that was wrong.

Who told him that?

Also…the kids resulting from an anulled marriage are not ‘mistakes’ They are considered fully concieved in a valid marriage if one (or both) parties THOUGHT IT WAS VALID AT THE TIME. The tem ‘illegitimate’ is a legal term that has no meaning here.
 
Sorry, I should have mentioned that he is re-married to a non-catholic, and so in the eyes of the church he is committing adultery and cannot receive Holy Communion.

Thanks for the reply. I will pray and focus to resolve this issue…

EDIT: Armor of Light, I didn’t ask; I assume it was the parish priest, but it could have been a lay member
 
Ohh…

That sucks.

I’ll pray for him, too. I was in the same boat for a while, and the pain of separation from Jesus was so great…

That is what turned it around for me and opened my eyes.

Thank You Lord.
 
Please go talk to the priest at your current parish for advice and information about annulments.

That said, there are several points you could share with your father.
Annulment does not mean that any children born during the marriage are illegitimate or “mistakes”.

If your father is living a celibate life as a divorced person there is no reason he cannot receive the Eucharist. The priest may require he go to Confession, but then we should all be doing that anyway.

May I ask who told your father he could not receive? If it was another parishoner they eveidently don’t quite know what they are talking about.
 
vish1990 said:
Sorry, I should have mentioned that he is re-married to a non-catholic, and so in the eyes of the church he is committing adultery and cannot receive Holy Communion. Thanks for the reply. I will pray and focus to resolve this issue… EDIT: Armor of Light, I didn’t ask; I assume it was the parish priest, but it could have been a lay member
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Good luck!

Please yes…tell himk to go talk to someone to get this resolved! A good priest will work very hard to alleviate his fears and welcome him back home.
 
vish1990 said:
Sorry, I should have mentioned that he is re-married to a non-catholic, and so in the eyes of the church he is committing adultery and cannot receive Holy Communion.

Thanks for the reply. I will pray and focus to resolve this issue…

EDIT: Armor of Light, I didn’t ask; I assume it was the parish priest, but it could have been a lay member
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Well, this certainly changes things. Yes, he will need to seek an annulment should he wish to receive the Eucharist. If he is granted an annulment, he can seek to “normalize” his marriage by having it convalidated. This would not require his wife to join the Church (although it’s certainly a wonderful opportunity for evalgelization!) as long as she is willing to participate and understands what it means.

In the meantime there are other avenues he can explore such as he and his wife living as brother and sister. Again, talk to your priest for advice and have your father talk to a priest as well.
 
The main point for you to share with you father is encourage him to see his parish priest and discuss it

Was it the priest who pulled him aside at the mass or other church member? The priest will know how to help your father move forward. Either case he needs to speak with the priest to move forward on it.

In between time you can pray for him.
 
vish1990 said:
he refuses to annul the marriage because (in his own words) he won’t “admit to anyone that the marriage shouldn’t have happened,” on the basis that he had four children and wouldn’t change a thing to lose them.

Does he really have to admit that his marriage, and subsequent children, are mistakes in the eyes of God?
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Your dad misunderstands what an annulment is. It’s not “Catholic divorce”, it’s not a statement that his kids are illegitimate or “a mistake”, and it’s not a statement that the “marriage didn’t happen” (or even, that it “shouldn’t have happened”). It’s simply an attempt to determine whether the marriage was sacramental. If it was not sacramental, then your father is free to marry.

(Presuming he’s able to get married, of course, he’s then able to return to the reception of the sacraments…)
 
Definitely talk to a priest. A common misconception about annulments is that the kids automatically become illegitimate. That is not true.

Peace,
Ed
 
edwest2 said:
Definitely talk to a priest. A common misconception about annulments is that the kids automatically become illegitimate. That is not true.
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Ed,

I’m certain you didn’t mean it that way, but it’s not even a question of whether it’s ‘automatic’ or not: children of a marriage do not become illegitimate – ever! – because of an annulment…!
 
I suggest the book Annulment: The Wedding That Was by Michael Smith Foster.

AND he definitely needs to make an appointment to speak to the priest one on one.
 
Thank you all very much for your help. I’ll pray and reflect on this issue.

I understand he needs to see a priest. My dilemma is actually putting him in a state of mind where he’ll do it, and stick with it throughout the process.

Now, I know my father, and I can see him possibly saying that he knows he loves his current wife very much, and I’m willing to bet he resents being considered in an “adulterous” relationship when emotionally it clearly isn’t the case-it isn’t as if he’s “sneaking around” on my mother; they’ve been legally divorced for 15 years.

What I mean is that I feel very under-equipped to face this battle and come out victorious. That is, with my father proceeding with the annulment process and being able to receive Holy Communion again.

Does anyone have any advice on how to best approach him with this?
 
edwest2 said:
Definitely talk to a priest. A common misconception about annulments is that the kids automatically become illegitimate. That is not true.

Peace,
Ed
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Not to mention there is nolonger any Canonical penalty for illegitimacy. It has no meaning in today’s Catholic law. Even if a child is truly born out of wedlock, it has no impact on their membership in the Church.

God Bless
 
Gorgias said:
Ed,

I’m certain you didn’t mean it that way, but it’s not even a question of whether it’s ‘automatic’ or not: children of a marriage do not become illegitimate – ever! – because of an annulment…!
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To quote an old friend: “Why should I get an annulment? I don’t want my kids to be bastards.” And this was the mother speaking.

Peace,
Ed
 
Tell him this:

“Dad, Confession and then receipt of the Eucharist are a gift that will give you eternal life. You are going to throw that away because you are too proud to admit your marriage started on the wrong foot?”

Here is quote 612 (“The Way”) from Josemaria Escriva + : “Get rid of those proud thoughts: you are but the brush in the hand of the artist. And nothing more. Tell me: of what use is a brush, if it won’t let the painter do his work?”

Put this quote in front of him and meanwhile you contact the Diocesan Marriage Tribunal for your father’s area and ask for the paperwork to start an annulment. Get the docs and start going through them yourself.

He needs his son to help him through this.

Good luck and God Bless you. Now go make it happen.
 
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